Reconnecting with an old flame

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

Do you think it's possible to have another go at it? Say, for instance, you met someone in your 20s and, for whatever reason, things didn't work out (say, for instance, s/he was immature, didn't know any better, etc.). Yet, you reconnect with this person a few years later and find out that neither of you is able to forget about the other. The only problem is that you are married. Then, a few years later you reconnect again. You are still married and s/he married as well, but both are not fully happy, aware that they miss something that they can only find in each other...

Have you been in a situation like this? How did it work out? Curious, because it seems that some people do find happiness with an old flame after many years and marriage to other people (see, for instance, Donna Hanover, Giuliani's ex wife, who married a school sweetheart after reconnecting with him).

[Bunny]

1. I have no direct experience with this, but I can say that decisions

like these are best made after an unhappy marriage has ended, not during.

[Serendipitous]

2. I have that book by Donna Hanover

AND I recently reconnected with my HS sweetheart after over 15 years. I loved the book, it had me in tears!

My experience started out wonderful, but has deteriorated horribly. If you're interested in more detail, please PM me. There were very specific and hopefully not very "common" reasons for this turn for worse.

[catmandu57]

3. What Bunny said

Don't let an old flame ruin your marriage, if it's already ruined and collapsing let it do it of it's own accord. Then seek out the old one, I ran into a woman I had a very serious thing with back in the eighties, but, I had already moved on, she wanted to reignite, it just wasn't right so I let it go.

[skygazer]

4. I have no experience with it myself

Honestly, I've never had any desire to reconnect with anyone I once saw. But in the situation you describe, it sounds shaky.

Meeting anyone interesting when you're unhappy in a marriage can inflate the intensity of the feelings you get with them - it's such a contrast from what you feel at home. But I think quite often, a lot of that comes from wishful thinking and not true emotion. I've had that happen, not with an old flame but just with someone exciting when my marriage was on the rocks. And it wasn't real - which I luckily realized and backed away from.

I think most of the time relationships end because they have a fundamental flaw in them and it's usually one that's not going to go away with time. If this is actually something you're going through and not a rhetorical question, I'd be very careful. It's no fun to rebound into another bad relationship. JMO

[Deja Q]

5. I wanted to, but by the time I made my decision,

there was an electrical outage and I lost the recorded electronic voicemails.

Karma.

It's nice to know one of my exes wanted to give things another go, and I knew the original circumstances, but I couldn't do it.

That and maybe I actually do prefer being alone...

[GalleryGod]

6. Yes. I Have Experience. I Married Her 14 years ago.

O8) :loveya: :evilgrin:

[ForrestGump]

7. I sorta have. My mother definitely did.

With me it was more a matter of months than years, and I have two friends because of it.

My mother, in 2004, was contacted by her ex-fiancé from circa 1958 (via the Internet...they'd each wondered where the other had ended up) and they met when he traveled to the UK (where she was then living). Hit it off. In the important ways, it was like nothing had changed between them over the intervening 40 years or more. He'd done very well for himself in the meantime and now they're living together (not married...not sure she would want to marry again, anyway) back in their/my natal country in a nice house on the beach, very happy in what many of us might consider a kind of paradise. I'm very happy for her.

It gives me some hope -- let's hear it for true love.

[Bridget Burke]

8. Deal with your marriage first. And suggest she do the same.

Don't use "love" as an excuse to duck your responsibility.

What if you decide to stay married after she/he has burned her bridges? What if you burn your bridges--& are left out in the cold? (Mixed metaphor warning!)

[ScreamingMeemie]

9. I married him.

We dated for a year, broke up. I met someone else. So did he. I had a child. We ran into each other a few years after we broke up, dated for four years and now have been married for 11 years. Most of them really happy. Yes, I think it can, and does, happen. My only caveat is that I was not attached when we ran into each other and neither was he. Please, deal with what you have going on in your life now before moving on.

[ceile]

10. Yep. And we're engaged.

We dated in 1996. I got engaged and unengaged and we got back together in 2004. I think I always knew that we'd end up together, but we certainly needed some time to grow and find ourselves.

My mom's boss ended up marrying his high school sweatheart a couple of years ago. He's in his mid sixties.

[Blue_In_AK]

11. This is exactly what happened to me.

In 2000 for some reason I started thinking about my highschool sweetheart who I hadn't seen since 1967 (we dated in 1963, my parents thought we were too serious to be so young, I broke it off). After a little searching, I tracked him down. We talked on the phone and wrote to each other for six months, then I had to go see him in Texas. We were both married, in abusive relationships, but had no intentions of leaving. However, after our time together, which was wonderful beyond belief, he immediately left his wife and started divorce proceedings. It took me a little longer to get out of my situation, but after ups and downs for three years, he finally moved up here in 2003, we married and are extremely happy. We never, ever fight, seldom even disagree. It's amazing to both of us how our respective former spouses could have thought we were so exasperating. (My ex used to tell me that I could piss off the pope; his ex used to tell him he was the "worst person in the world.")

This story at least had a happy ending, but it can be a very traumatic situation if either of you is in a good marriage. Check out this website for more http://www.lostlovers.com/ . I made some good friends there while going through this process.

[lizziegrace]

12. tread carefully

end one relationship without even thinking about the next. Too many innocent victims if you mix the two up.

Also, most people may grow up some, but if there were problems the first time around, those issues will very likely surface again. (I'm speaking in very general terms here.)

My ex had a woman who was crazy about him in HS track him down when our marriage was on it's last leg. She was bi-polar and the same personality traits were there, only magnified. Now she was an adult with money and a car and, and... It wasn't long before a restraining order had to be obtained to keep her off my property.

While I have no idea about the particulars of your situation, be cautious. If you should find the time is really right, don't be afraid to give it a chance.

[Blue_In_AK]

14. I agree with that 100 percent...

It can be a very traumatic situation even if your marriage is terrible, as mine was. The two years between the time that HullBoss and I reconnected and the time that I finally got my ex out of the house were sheer hell, even though I had very rare contact with HullBoss down in Texas during that time. I was trying to make another go of my almost 20-year relationship with the ex, so I discontinued all contact with HullBoss, but ex never believed it and grilled me almost daily on my feelings, whether I had talked to HB, written him, etc. etc. etc. I had cut off contact with HB so that I wouldn't have to lie to my ex, but he never believed me. It was truly awful.

The ironic thing is that the ex finally moved out after accidentally running into one of HIS old flames and experiencing the same thing that I had. We had a big laugh together, spilled all the beans and pent-up feelings, and had probably the most amicable divorce in history. I don't see him anymore, but I have no hard feelings over our stormy marriage, and I doubt that he does either. I guess karmically we just had something to work out in this life.

(Ex lasted with his old girlfriend for a couple of years, but they ultimately split. He really is a very difficult person.)

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. I contacted my ex-boyfriend about four years ago.

I had no intention of starting anything up again. I just wanted to see how he was doing after all these years. I didn't want to go the rest of my life without speaking at least once to someone who had at one time been the most important person in my life. I found out he felt the same way. We talk to each other on a semi-regular basis now.

There isn't a chance in hell that I'd ever get back together with him, and I knew that going into the decision to say hello to him. He also knew that when I contacted him. We're compatible in a lot of ways but incompatible in others. It's really nice to count him among my friends now, though. :)

[Lil Missy]

15. Personally, I would end one relationship before I entered into another one.