When you have a relationship with another person...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

Where sex could be a factor.....

Which aspect is more important to you?

The sexual?

Or the emotional connection?

I'm wondering...

[KitchenWitch]

1. All things being equal - the emotional wins for me!

Not that sex is not important, sex is just more ephemeral.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I hear that, my dear KW...

Also, you need someone around to have an emotional connection with...

You would be less lonely then, I think.....

Thanks....:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

6. exactly.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

2. The emotional connection is the most important, but I have to say

that for me, the sexual connection is also very, very important to me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear SeattleGirl........

I know whereof you speak....

They both are important...

Just ask anyone who has to live without either......:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

5. Believe me, Peggy, I do know....

:hug:

[Left Is Write]

7. The emotional connection is crucial for me...

in order to make the sexual connection!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. My dear Left Is Write..........

Oh yes!

Without that critical emotional connection, sex is just an animal act...

And there is little joy in that......

A most valuable and valid point indeed.......

Thank you for it! :hug:

[SPKrazy]

9. No One Will Believe Me...

but the emotional connection is what I crave most...

:)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear Southpawkicker.......

You know that I believe you...

For you are a good and thoughtful man....

And you understand how these things work!

Without the emotional connection, sex is just an act...

And with that connection, sex is one of the highest joys possible...

And do you realize that you are the first man in my thread?

Good for you! :hug:

[SPKrazy]

12. No i didn't realize i was the first man in your thread...

that sounds kind of... well... kinky? :rofl:

I'm in your thread... only on the internets now, imagine 20 years ago if you said "you're the first man in my thread" what would people have derived from that?

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. 20 years ago?

I have an idea that they would be completely puzzled by the whole thing!

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

19. yup...

i'm thinking they would have said "thread" what?

:rofl:


:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

22. ...

[SPKrazy]

24. that's a sleepy looking kitty!

:rofl:

[Wapsie B]

11. Depends on what kind of relationship you're talking about.

If it's a friends with benefits relationship it'd be the sexual connection for me. But a more romantic relationship both the strong emotional connection and sexual connection would have to be there. In fact, if there is a strong emotional connection in place the sex should be an expression of those deep personal bonds, thus making the sex even better.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. My dear bushwentawol....

I wasn't thinking as much about friends with benefits...

But more along the lines of folks who wanted to see if they could make a go of it along more permanent lines...

And I agree......if there is a strong emotional connection in place the sex should be an expression of those deep personal bonds, thus making the sex even better.

That is right on! :hug:

[Wapsie B]

21. I didn't think you were

talking about fwb......That's what we all live for, to find that person you can truly feel at one with, body and soul.


:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

25. Yes, we are all looking for the one we feel completed by...

And if you ever find that person, hold on with all your heart.......

:hug:

[Wapsie B]

27. I certainly will Peggy.

You too........

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

28. I am most fortunate.....for I have found him...

It is a wonderful thing, when your soul is joined by another......

I wish it for you with all my heart......:hug:

[Wapsie B]

32. I am so happy for you.

I think I will find it too.
:hug:

[WCGreen]

13. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. Hmmm....Ha!

Thought you might pick up the vibrations from this one!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[KitchenWitch]

16. Men!

:eyes:





:rofl:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. Figures, huh?

:eyes:





:rofl:

[WCGreen]

20. No....Women.......

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. Emotional connection

Sex isn't fun for me without it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

26. My dear GoddessOfGuiness...

I think you're onto something here...

The emotional connection makes sex a living, breathing entity ...

Otherwise, it can still be fun, but ultimately it's hollow, IMHO...

:hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. I'd rather not use somebody for self-gratification.

Nor would I want to be similarly used.

But I don't hold it against anybody who's into that sort of thing. As long as there's a mutual understanding, I don't see why people couldn't enjoy something shallow. It's just not my cup of tea. :-)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

30. Your points are well taken!

If two people want to be shallow with each other......

Then there's no reason for anyone to object...

But I'm with you.....this is not for me!

:hug:

[Maineiac]

31. You got to have that spark that can only come from

a great emotional connection. From that, everything else will follow.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

33. My dear Maineiac...

That's it...the spark that will ignite the emotional connection...

I feel for anyone who hasn't had that happen.......

Not many things compare with it......

:hug:

[fizzgig]

34. i have had relationships

with one or the other and others with both. for me, each is gratifying in its own way but the best relationships are those that mingle both. they feed each other and make each connection all the stronger and they become intertwined.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

35. My dear kagehime......

Oh, thank you for contributing your voice here tonight!

I was hoping that someone would come along who had been in both...

So we could shed some light on the subjects...

I think when you say the best relationships are those that mingle both.

That seems to be the majority view here tonight......

But I'm glad you had fun with all those types........for what is life without fun?

:hug:

[fizzgig]

38. life is not much without fun

but i suppose the type of relationship you want all depends on where you are in your life. and sometimes one connection spawns the other. human emotions can be strange sometimes.

:hug:

[hfojvt]

36. I called this woman up to ask for a date

she said "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." and I instantly thought "Okay, then we can just have sex. I am cool with that."

However, I actually said something else. Maybe I shouldn't have.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

39. Depending on how well you know her, my dear hfojvt...

I think you did well not to say that particular phrase....

I would not have reacted well to hearing that! Unless you were hot and I thought so! :blush:

[NMDemDist2]

37. friendship will get you through times of no sex

better than sex will get you through times of no friendship

this I know......

[CaliforniaPeggy]

40. My dear AZDemDist6....

Now here's a useful phrase!

I so completely agree......

For we can have emotional connections, deep ones even, with our friends...

But if you don't have anyone you're connected to when there is no sex in your life....

Then you are truly alone...

And true isolation is awful... :hug:

[noshenanigans]

41. I miss sex in general..

but then again, I got married 7 months ago. I know it sounds weird, but my husband isn't "dirty" enough. God, that's what being raised Southern Baptist will do to ya.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

43. My dear noshenanigans......

Now this is a problem I have heard plenty about....

Depending on how old he is.....perhaps it's a medical issue.....

Hormones ebb and flow in men, much as they do in women...

I'll PM you with greater detail.......

:hi:

[gravity]

42. Sex for starting the relationship

Emotional connection makes it last.

Really both are important to me, and I really can't stay into a relationship unless there is both. Emotion connection is essential for the long term, while lack of sex will create problems in other areas of the relationship.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

44. My dear gravity......

Well, whatever works for you and your partner......

When I was looking for a husband, admittedly a long time ago, I didn't want to keep having to fend him off...

And I was nowhere near ready for a sexual relationship at the start...

He was patient, and now we've been married for nearly 42 years....

Just sayin'....

:hi:

[gravity]

45. I'm still young

I'm not worried about getting married for a while

[NashVegas]

90. I Agree With Gravity

I'm not necessarily saying one should have sex before there is an emotional connection, but sexual desire itself is a better reason to develop an emotional connection than vice verse, IMO.

[Canuckistanian]

151. Hard to argue with gravity

Oh.. never mind.

[SeattleGirl]

46. You said it, gravity!

That's exactly how I feel.

[ForrestGump]

47. Emotional

If all else follows suit, the other stuff will be great, anyway.

Sex itself is primarily mental/emotional, anyway.

I wouldn't have sex without an emotional connection. I could have been and could be now a real sex machine here in my current job, with a succession of one-night stands, but continued celibacy appeals (well, most of the time, when it really comes down to it) more than that does. There're other factors -- trepidation, etc -- but the biggie is that it has to mean something, and mean something to both of us. Even if it is not the Big One: True Love.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

48. My dear Forrest!

Ah, how lovely to see you tonight!

And I certainly agree with you.......emotional connection is vital.

Sex without meaning is so damn empty. It can satisfy for the moment...

But I think it's ultimately empty.

There's nothing quite so lonely as intimate contact with someone when there is no emotional component, IMHO...

Thank you for your thoughts......

[Random_Australian]

49. Find me a girlfriend, and I'll try it out.

I seem to be embarrassingly bad at getting girlfriends.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

71. My dear Randon_Australian........

It'll happen....trust me on this...

Usually when you stop looking, too...:hug:

[leftofthedial]

50. depends on who she is

and what the basis of our relationship is

:shrug:

more than likely the emotional, but I keep looking . . .

[CaliforniaPeggy]

72. My dear leftofthedial!

This does seem to be the consensus here......

For genuine connections, you generally do better with the emotional first...

But as you say, it does depend on the person.....:pals:

[Omphaloskepsis]

51. I prefer the emotional conection.

I am male.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

74. Smart man, my dear Omphaloskepsis!

[Ariana Celeste]

52. the emotion

i just can't have a relationship based on sex.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

81. My dear Ariana Celeste.....

Ah, the same goes for me.........And for lots of folks here today!

:hi:

[Evoman]

53. I don't think either is MORE important.

Without an emotional connection, I'm outtie.

Without a sexual connection, I'm outtie.

I need both. And if I can't get both, I would be miserable. And I refuse to be miserable for anybody. I have one life, I'm not going to ruin it with resentment.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

82. My dear Evoman.......

Ah, I hear you!

They do rather intertwine, don't they?

:hug:

[Callalily]

54. If I'd have to

choose, it would be emotional hands down. But selfishly I want both.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

83. My dear Simply Fugue......

I don't think it's selfish of you to want both.......

I think it's healthy......:hug:

[bigwillq]

55. Both

They need to be equal part for me.

The emotional may be great but the sex could suck and then the sex could be great and the emotional could suck.

It needs to be both ways for me in a serious relationship.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

84. My dear bigwillq........

I agree......in a serious relationship that's going to last, you really do need both, IMHO......

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

56. both are. i dont think you should be in a relationship with someone who you dont find attractive.

just because you love them for other reasons.

eventually, if they are the only person you are having sex with it will be a problem.

plus everyone has the right to be loved for both the physical and the emotional. you are denying this other person their full rights of finding someone who loves all aspects of them.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

85. My dear lioness!

I agree about your point of denying the other person their full rights of finding someone who loves all aspects of them...

This is very important!

:hug:

[querelle]

57. Both

I like the emotional connection, but the sex and intimacy is also very important for me. But then again.......I'm a guy. Isn't it always that way for men?

Q

[La Lioness Priyanka]

59. i think its that way for most women too. especially since women have been financially independent.

on edit: i am probably not the best example of female since my ex used to call me a frat boy, and my sex and language professor used to address me as "the boy".

[MissMillie]

73. now see... I would think that intimacy were defined closer to emotional connection

as opposed to intimacy being defined closer to sex.

[kath]

80. I think there are many more men out there with low sex drives than most people realize.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

86. My dear querelle......

I'm not at all sure that the way you feel is the way most men feel...

I had thought that men would find sex the more compelling need....

But, judging from the responses in my thread, I was wrong!

And I am glad to be wrong.......

I have learned something about the male mind.....And learning how men think, and what they think.......is always a good thing.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

58. Their Checking Account Balance

:sarcasm:

:hi:

RL

[racaulk]

62. .

:spray:

I was going to say "their wallet," but you beat me to it! :rofl:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

87. My dear Retro!

I know you better than that, sweetie!

Waaaaaaaaaay better than that!

:rofl: :rofl:

[MissMillie]

60. my first instinct was to say "I can't remember"

but... I think that's telling.

I haven't had sex in a very long time. I mean a VERY long time.

And to be truthful, I can see myself going a lot longer.

I think I'm going to need to feel loved, and safe w/i the relationship before I indulge in that particular pleasure again.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

89. My dear MissMillie....

You will need the emotional component first then.....

I hope you find someone who can love you completely, as you deserve...

:hug:

[scarlet_owl]

61. It is a rare occasion when my husband and I have sex.

So I would have to say the emotional aspect is more important. At least it is in my case.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

92. My dear scarlet_owl........

Well then, I'm glad you have that emotional connection in your marriage!

And I do hope that you're happy........:hug:

[dropkickpa]

63. Sexual, definitely

I'm a slut, what can I say? If I ain't feelin' it that way, it's not gonna work, plain and simple.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

93. My dear dropkickpa!

Hey, we're not all wired the same way!

Whatever works for you, baby!

:bounce: :bounce:

[BarenakedLady]

64. I've found both are important

One without the other is either just lust or basically a friendship. I'm yearning for both honestly.

[SacredCow]

65. I agree....

While you certainly should be best (or at least very good) friends with your significant other, I've always thought of sex with your honey as an expression of the things you simply don't have words for.

Maybe that's why I've never had more than a passing interest in casual sex, which as a gay man sometimes makes me feel like an absolute outcast....

[La Lioness Priyanka]

67. damn if we lived in the same town. i would introduce you to my friend V

who is another gay man i know who hates casual sex.

[SacredCow]

68. The worst part of it is...

Sitting at the bar, coffee shop, etc. with someone that interests you, and they launch into the "I've slept with that guy, that guy, that guy, that guy, that guy and his brother, that guy and his boyfriend (but he doesn't know)...." Yeah, right- Like I want to be included in that speech someday....

When I first came out, I saw a therapist to get some guidance and she observed that I don't think the way gay men (in general) do, which was going to make for a hard adjustment, initially.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

70. i dont think this is strictly a gay man phenomenon, i think its a man phenonomennon

gay men just luck out more in this regard.

[SacredCow]

76. To some extent, that's probably true.....

But having lived on both sides of the fence, so to speak, it's regarded entirely differently.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

94. My dear BarenakedLady.......

Most folks seem to yearn for both......

You are not alone, sweetie......:hug:

[crim son]

66. The emotional connection.

Sometimes the two are tied together in such a way that if one of them is missing, the other disappears too. I've wrestled with this same question.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

95. My dear crim son...

Indeed, if one disappears, then I believe the other one will go, too...

Eventually....

And then you have a tragedy......:hug:

[crim son]

97. Or a less-than-ideal situation.

Many, many people hang on anyway.

[philosophie_en_rose]

69. Emotional Connection, because that's sexy.

:P

If I had to choose between the two, I'd say emotional connection.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

99. My dear philosophie_en_rose.......

Hmmm....the emotional connection is sexy?

I can see that.......

Anyhow, you're in good company!

:hug:

[Redbear]

75. I think intimacy exceeds both sex and a basic emotional connection

When you are totally okay with baring to that person who you really are beneath all the masks and peripheral issues.

When you can connect on that level we reach a higher level of humanity and usually feel closer to God or the universe or whatever reason we are here.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

101. My dear Redbear...

Now that's something I hadn't thought about....

True intimacy is something I think most people rarely achieve...

I know I have not done it.......

It takes real courage and a willingness to bare your entire soul to your loved one.......

Most people have secrets from themselves, never mind from the people they love...

I applaud anyone who can achieve that level of intimacy....

Thank you for your wisdom...:hug:

[av8rdave]

77. Sounds silly, but I think both. The difference is in the point of view...

For the male, it usually starts sexually, and develops into the emotional. I (think) for the female, the sexual isn't really possible without the emotional first. Just my humble opinion based on my limited life experience.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

103. My dear av8rdave!

I think this is largely true....

All of what you say here, that is!

Also based on my rather limited life experience...:hug:

[BuelahWitch]

78. Both an emotional and intellectual connection for me

First my head is interested, then my heart, then I think about stuff below the waist...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

104. My dear classicfilmfan...

You're in the mainstream, I think, here!

:hug:

[Kajsa]

79. Hi Peggy,

I believe it was Raquel Welch who said

" with women ,sexual attraction is 90% up here,"

as she pointed to her brain.
So there's a very strong connection
between the two.

Smart woman, that Raquel.

She certainly speaks for me.

:hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

106. My dear Kajsa!

I'm told the most important sex organ is the brain.......

And judging from my own experiences, I'd have to agree!

Raquel Welch was no dummy, indeed!

Nice to see you today, sweetie! :hug:

[Madspirit]

88. The Emotional!

Sex is great but if you have no emotional connection...it's kind of empty feeling. The emotional connection has to be there.
Lee

[CaliforniaPeggy]

107. My dear Madspirit!

Indeed, I keep hearing this...and I agree!

Sex is or can be an empty act if there's no emotional connection between the lovers....

And what a tragedy that is......to waste such a precious moment without love...

[photogirl12]

91. For me

It is definitely the emotional connection.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

108. My dear photogirl12....

For so many of us, it seems, as well..... :hug:

[photogirl12]

109. Thanks for the

:hug:

[Deja Q]

96. My dear CaliforniaPeggy, the answer is simple: The emotional connection.

Anyone can screw.

Not anyone gives a damn about others.

Those who screw are wholly out for themselves. It's also little coincidence those people are far more likely to spread disease and disdain.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

110. My dear Hypno........

Indeed....anyone can screw......

Those who use others will do this.....

No emotional connection for them, none at all...

And it is a shame, a waste......

For we all have love to give someone!

The lucky people find their someone......I always hope that for you...:hug:

[NashVegas]

98. When You Say 'sex could be a factor' What Do You Mean?

Are you saying that *having* sex could be a factor, or that sexual desire *could* be a factor?

If it's the former, then the emotional connection is more important to me.

If you are saying it's the latter, expression of that desire is more important to me. I accept that men are basically horntoads and, in my experience, those who try to deny it (whether to me, or to themselves) or suppress it aren't being honest with someone.

[Deja Q]

100. Ah, but this horntoad says there's a differnce between "denying" and

"not indulging at every opportunity".

I've always felt that way, and the few times I caved in didn't change my mind.

I no longer cave. I don't need petty games or fear of some damned disease because of stupid nonchalant attitudes.

And knowing how I am different from the "socially acclimated neurotypicals", I also know I won't ever have sex again. Now, do I go insane because of this or do I cope? I'll cope.


Edit: Subject line content; one word may have been misconstrued and I have pictures to prove the contrary. :evilgrin:

[NashVegas]

105. Expressing Is Not Necessarily Indulging

There are appropriate expressions and inappropriate. Sitting with your legs splayed open and cupping yourself = inappropriate.

Smiling at the site of me in a low-cut sweater = appropriate. Trying to hide that you've even noticed my cleavage = denial.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

112. My dear Crisco........

I meant being in a relationship where sex could happen...

Emotional connection would be very important to me as well...

And it would come first for me, too...

I hadn't thought about sexual desire, and what that could mean in a relationship...

Good points, all of them!

Thank you...:hug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

102. I wouldn't know.

I'm all brain. Mind first. Intellectual connection? :P

[CaliforniaPeggy]

113. My dear WIMR...

Well, since you haven't had your first kiss yet, never mind anything more...

I would expect your intellectual connection to be paramount for you...

Better to let your mind have the greater input, than your body...

Lust is easily come by....and hard to get rid of.

Just my 2 cents......

:hug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

115. I don't really think lust is all so easy, though.

Unless you have to be broken into it first? :D

[CaliforniaPeggy]

119. Ah, trust me on this.....

Lust is probably the easiest of emotions to come by...

I know I had lust before I ever had sex.......

No breaking in required!

:hi:

[Karenca]

111. This depends entirely upon the individual relationship.

I've had a few realtionships which involved great sex, but I really didn't want to get all involved emotionally with that person.

But as far as your question goes, (whih is more important?), the emotional connection is always much more important to me. Sex is very easy to come by, but to click with someone on a deep emotional level is rare and should always be cherished.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

114. My dear Karenca.......

Oh, you've put your finger on something very important!

...to click with someone on a deep emotional level is rare and should always be cherished.

Wow, this should be shouted from the rooftops!

It is so damn true......

Thank you........:pals:

[Karenca]

116. You're welcome, CalPeg.

Y'know, not ALL relationships must encompass the whole:

spiritual,
mental
emotional,
physical

thingy.

Some relationships serve different purposes, and it doesn't mean that
they can't be fulfilling in their own rite.

The older I get, the more I believe this to be true. :pals:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

117. I've heard this too....

That it is really unfair to ask your partner to be all those things to you...

And that was a point of view that I hadn't considered before, either...

But if you're going outside your marriage for intimate things...

Well, then....that can be a problem...

But that is another thread, on another day........:pals:

[Karenca]

121. No, CalPeg -- It's not that I think that it's unfair

It's just that I believe that sometimes, in some stages of one's life,
we may find that we encounter different people that express different sides of ourselves.

But, I'm not putting down the whole emotional/sexual thing at all.

In fact, the whole idea of finding your "soulmate" is beautiful to me. :-)

[Madspirit]

118. I'm not saying...

I'm not saying you have to be madly in love to enjoy sex with someone but I think it's more fun if you at least like them and that's an emotional connection.
The best sex though, imo, is when there are deep feelings. That sex can be incredible.
Lee

[CaliforniaPeggy]

120. Absolutely right!

Deep feelings do indeed lead to incredible sex......

It makes for incredibly strong bonds......*sigh*

[jpgray]

122. For something lasting you clearly need both

Although it's perfectly possible for one or the other to override one's concerns, creating a self-perpetuating hellscape of near compatibility.

:P

[CaliforniaPeggy]

123. My dear jpgray!

Indeed, you do need both.....

And the rest of what you said is also perfectly true too, damn it!

:crazy:

[TOhioLiberal]

124. My dear CaliforniaPeggy...

...you ask the most interesting questions!
I feel that both emotional and sexual are of equal importance. Would you be surprised to find I have neither? :cry:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

128. My dear TOhioLiberal........

I'm glad you like my questions!

And, no, it wouldn't surprise me at all to know you have neither...

I've read your threads, and I see what your life is like...

And it breaks my heart....... :hug:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

125. The emotional...

Because, honey, the sex isn't going to last forever.
Duckie

[CaliforniaPeggy]

129. My dear Duckie.......

That is true....but there's no reason to give up on the sexual when there are things that can be done ....

Just sayin'....

:hi:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

137. I know....

But sex is not as important as the love and friendship. I can do without sex, I just couldn't live without my Skippy.
Duckie

[windy252]

126. To me,

those seem kind of connected to each other sometimes.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

130. Indeed they are, my dear windy252...

Indeed they are, in the best situations.......

:hi:

[u4ic]

127. I honestly can't separate one from the other, Peggy

Emotional, sexual, mental, spiritual...I will feel them all, and very strongly. They all feed off the other.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

131. My dear u4ic!

That is the happiest situation!

When you do have all of them....

There would be a lot more joy in the world if we could have them all...:hug:

[treestar]

132. Emotional

the sexual is just a game

[CaliforniaPeggy]

142. Well, my dear treestar.........

I wouldn't say the sexual is just a game......

But I do agree that the emotional is really necessary!

:hi:

[xchrom]

133. if i've been with you for a while -- and we're not lightin any fires --

and when i look at your backside when you walk away and i don't get a thrill -- we've hit bottom.

i gotta want you -- or getting emotional or sharing emotional stuff with becomes a chore, a burden -- that' i'm uncomfortable with.

it's easy to distinguish between FWBS and partners -- but that zoom zoom thing is what gets the party started.

[dropkickpa]

136. So true

I am sick of being the emotional dumptruck who just exists to haul away the garbage. If I'm not feeling it at leat physically, I'm not going to waste my time. Been there done that.

I am way too buzzed to explain deeper, takes way too long to type (payday happy hour)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

143. My dear xchrom...

Sounds to me as though you know just what you want...

And I hope you always find it, and keep it... :hug:

[achtung_circus]

134. It's a decision box.

which I can't format here, but:

- emotion, - sex = nothing

- emotion + sex = masturbation

+ emotion, - sex = friends

+ emotion, + sex =O8)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

144. My dear achtung_circus...

I like your decision boxes!

They make a lot of sense to me...

:hi:

[Generic Brad]

135. Emotional

Without that connection, sex is just meaningless and less intense. Also, if the bloom ever fades off the rose of a physical malady makes sex a moot point (heaven forbid), you still have a strong base to continue the relationship on.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

146. My dear Generic Brad!

Yeah, I think so too.....your points are well taken!

:hi:

[Joe Fields]

138. It's hard to seperate the two at first. You want to really get to know them,

but at the same time you really really want to jump their bones.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

147. My dear Joe Fields...

It can indeed be difficult.....

But the smart person will try to resist the physical until the emotional bonds are in play...

:hi:

[Kat45]

139. They both are VERY important to me.

Of course you need the emotional connection in a serious relationship, but without the sex, it becomes more of a friendship, as the very special thing that distinguishes a relationship has disappeared. Ideally, it is all present in the relationship, but some needs can be met in other relationships (friends, siblings), while the one thing that cannot (should not) be met outside the relationship is sexual.

I had a LTR with a man who I was quite compatible with in almost every way except sexually. I started to feel like he was just a buddy, not my boyfriend, and I was miserable. I know he loved me (though he couldn't express it) because he'd do almost anything for me. Sadly, he's incapable of intimacy on any level. But when I realized he lacked libido, (ie it wasn't the drinking or other possibilities causig the problem), I had to end the relationship. We were so compatible that we are still very good friends today, and I find it sad that what seemed like it could have been will never be.

I just hope and pray that I experience a full, complete relationship while I'm here on this earth. And since I'm not getting any younger, I hope it starts soon. :-)

[Lost-in-FL]

140. You are so right

:applause:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

148. My dear notmyprez...

Ah, your story touched me deeply...

I am sorry that it didn't work out for you both...

And I hope that you will find someone who meets your needs, all of them, very soon...

:hug:

[Lost-in-FL]

141. Depends of the kind of relationship you are looking for

You can be the "best of friends" where the sex is ok and there is good emotional connection.

You might have the great sex but not have the same emotional connections (different interests, way of thinking, nothing in common but sex, etc).

And then you might have both, the sexual and the emotional connection. Which relationship of the three would you like for yourself??

To me great emotional connection is exponentially improved through great sexual compatibility. To me sexual compatibility is the fuel that starts long lasting fire and intimacy. Without sex compatibility (see I am saying sexual compatibility and not great sex, you can have great sex but not share intimacy.) you cannot have a long lasting relationship, that one that last the test of time.

Don't we all want that relationship were you grow old together and you know you had such happy life that sex doesn't matter anymore because you are both part of each other? In this relationship both the sexual and emotional aspects were perfect for each other not just ok but sex was the spark that started all.

My $0.002

[CaliforniaPeggy]

149. My dear Lost-in-Fl...

My question was hypothetical....I'm not looking for answers here!

However, I must say that for me, in spite of my age, I still want and need sexual contact...

Even though my husband and I have been married a long time, sex is still very important to us both...

It keeps the marital bond alive and well.......

You have presented some complex thoughts here...

Thank you for them!



:hug:

[Lost-in-FL]

152. ...

I answered assuming that the question were hypothetical. I am not very good at expressing myself sometimes and come across kinda weird. :hi: :hug:

[Shell Beau]

145. I think it is all about the emotional connection because the only

person I sexually connect with is my husband, but I find so many others out there that I bond with emotionally!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

150. My dear Shell Beau!

I've had the same experience that you have...

Connecting emotionally with people that you will never know sexually can be very rewarding!

These connections can enrich our lives immeasureably...

:hug:

[anti-everything]

153. It was always sex until...

I met Ms anti-everything. We waited. When it finally happened, it was still awkward, but it meant a whole lot more. We built a relationship first. It's the best thing I ever did.

[REP]

154. It's Not an Either/Or Proposition

At least, it's never worked that way for me; then again I've been with the guy for nearly 15 years now. If both weren't present, I doubt we'd've lasted 15 days.

[Orsino]

155. Emotional.

Something's gotta fill the other twenty-three hours and fifty-eight minutes of the day.

But for those two minutes, man! The electrical connection may also be important.

[VelmaD]

156. depends on the person and the relationship

One of the nice things about being poly...is I can have various relationships that fill either and/or both of those requirements to varying degrees. There are some people I just connect with on a physical level and sometimes it's ok if that's all there is. Some people I connect with more on an emotional level and if sex never happens then that's ok too. And there are a lot of people in between. Finding people you connect with in both ways is harder...but worth it too. You just have to take every relationship as it is. Misery happens when you try to make it more than it is meant to be.