Tonight I learned that a friend had been arrested

[GoddessOfGuinness]

for "inappropriately touching a student" at the high school where he taught, several months ago. He was suspended from teaching, without pay, until the resolution of the charges. He now has a job in a bank; and seems resigned to the ruin of his teaching career.

I've known this guy and his wife for years, and I strongly believe the allegations are NOT true. He said that fortunately, their two young children seem to be oblivious to what occurred. I didn't want to pry too deeply, so I'm not sure if the charges have been resolved or not.

I'm not as close to them as I once was, and I was never all that close; but I feel terrible for what they must be going through.

Any thoughts as to how I can be supportive of them without focusing on the situation uncomfortably?

[anti-everything]

1. You just have to be his friend.

You don't have to do anything special...unless you want to testify as a character witness.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

7. I'd be willing to do testify,

but I'm not sure my testimony would be worth anything. I've worked fairly closely with him at times, and I'm certain he would never risk his family to do something like this. He just loves them too much.

[noamnety]

19. It doesn't seem to me there'd be any point to testifying

Since you weren't there, the best you could do is be a character witness.

And the problem with that, philosophically, is that it implies that you can tell from looking at a person, or even from being friends with them, whether they would molest a girl. It implies that men who think of underage girls as sex objects, or who touch them inappropriately fall into the few bad apples psychopath category, instead of being the regular people we see in every day life who are a normal part of our culture and act like regular men.

A little of that comes through in your own wording, though that was probably unintentional, and more a sign of our culture than of him personally, I'm sure. You didn't say: He'd never be attracted to an underage girl. You said he'd never risk his family to act on it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. I was trying to say that

if I testified it would be as a character witness...sorry I didn't make that clear.

I don't know whether he could be attracted to a 16 year old girl or any other woman for that matter; but I do know that he loves his family deeply, and would not do anything to risk losing them.

[Suich]

2. That's a tough one.

I had a neighbor who was accused of the same thing by a 39 yr. old niece...it supposedly happened when she was 3, and it was devastating. This was a large extended family, 40+ people , who used to get together for holidays, weddings, etc. Then everything changed; the niece had been a train wreck for all of her adult life but everyone sided with her.

My advice would be, keep being his friend. If he wants to talk about it, he'll bring it up.

I've known 3 male teachers and they are all wary of high school girls. My nephew says he always keeps some distance when talking to the girls and the classroom door is always wide open.

I hope things work out for your friend.



:hi:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. I'm sure he had high expectations of his students...

and I'd not be surprised if it ticked some of them off. I found an old news article about the incident. There was only one accuser, and only at one school, though he's taught at several during his career. Sadly, I'll bet the news won't carry reports of his being exonerated of the accusations. :-(

[barb162]

3. Be his friend

ask if he wants to talk about it and if he doesn't, don't ask again. Tell him to bring it up if he does want to talk later

[GoddessOfGuinness]

17. Thanks for your thoughts...

He told me he's been getting counseling, so I'm glad there's a professional to help them get through...

[marzipanni]

4. It sounds like he told you about the situation.

If so, he may have wanted to see if you would react with shock, and shut down the conversation, or seemed open to hear his side of the story.
It seems there are fairly frequent reports in the news about girls who make up stories about molestation, abduction, etc., then a few days later after all the police work and fretting of all involved, they announce that it was all a figment of her imagination. A weird way to get attention, kind of like Munchausen's Syndrome-
http://depression.about.com/cs/psychotherapy/g/munchausens.htm

[GoddessOfGuinness]

9. I just let him talk as much as he wanted...

He didn't go into much detail, maybe because there were other people around. At any rate, he was devoted to teaching, and genuinely cares about kids. I'm sure this is devastating for him.

[grasswire]

5. a friend of mine who was an Ivy League professor...

....lost his job over a simple misunderstanding with a coed. She misconstrued some remarks and freaked; he was forced to resign. It was supremely humiliating for him after thirty years at the college. So it's good to hold in the mind the real possibility that your friend did nothing really wrong.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. I'm certain he didn't...

I think some kid was pissed that he was so demanding and decided to make up a story to get even. Or maybe she had a crush on him and wanted attention. She claimed that there were two incidents which took place in the parking lot of the school.

[izzybeans]

6. My wife refuses to even pat her students on the back because of allegations like this.

Her first year of teaching she saw a teacher break up a fight and one kid's parents tried to press charges against the teacher because the kid wound up falling down when she pulled them apart. The parents called the news and they ran with it as if the teachers routinely beat the students. I can't remember if they ever reported that the charges were never pressed and the kid was suspended from school.

When she tutors students after school she leaves the door open and sits a good distance from the student. She believes about half of such charges against teachers are bull shit. most of the time its a kid going home and either lying to the parents or exaggerating whatever went on at school. She's had enough students go home and lie about being disciplined in her class to know it could easily turn into a situation like that.

As Branford Marsalis said, "One thing I've learned from my students? It's that they are full of shit. All they care about is how talented you think they are." When you criticize and discipline poor performance, as a teacher must do, they complain. My college students are the absolute worst. In every class I have no more than three students willing to do the things necessary to actually learn the material. The rest complain about their already inflated grade. For my part students do not come into my office and close the door. The door remains open.

[trof]

10. I know times have changed, but jeez...

In grammar school my teachers were exclusively female and most much older than my mom. We would routinely get pats on the shoulder for doing something well, or get our hair ruffled when we were being silly or something. This was in the 40s and 50s.

I didn't have a male teacher until high school and they were coaches who taught something fairly uncomplicated like civics or American history.

My basketball coach used to swat me and others on the ass once in a while. And it could either be for doing something dumb or for some good move. I was actually kinda pleased to be singled out for attention and I sure don't think he was coming on to me.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. When you're teaching beginning instrumental music,

physical contact is unavoidable. With little imagination, a student could misinterpret a teacher's touch.

The worst thing about these kinds of accusations is that they cast a shadow of doubt over the real incidents of abuse that occur.

[Kajsa]

12. Be his friend, GofG.

I too doubt that the allegations are true.
Many students make up that crap to " get back" at a teacher
for not giving them an undeserved higher grade.

As a substitute teacher,grades 9-12, I know all too well how
students make up stories regarding a teacher's behavior.

He is going through hell right now.
When your first love is teaching, it's hard to be away from it.

He really needs your support.
You are a good and kind person, GofG.

That's what he needs.

:pals:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. I have a feeling he's not going back...

A knife would not have cut him more deeply.

He's talking about his job at a bank, and how it offers potential for advancement and such. The guy got his doctorate in music for this... :-(

[BlueIris]

13. Oh, man.

Welp, if you believe him, you believe him. And you can choose to be supportive of him no matter how this all works out. But if actual police actually arrested him, you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may find out some things you don't like about him eventually. As for now, though, I agree with others who say that all you can do is be a friend--be around if they want to talk, be a good listener when they do.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. There have been a number of newsworthy cases around here

where kids have lied about abuse by teachers. But the news reports more cases of actual abuse.
It makes me wonder how often people are falsely accused.

My knee-jerk reaction has always been to initially believe the accuser until now.

[philosophie_en_rose]

18. Maybe that's because there are less false accusations than actual child abuse.

Child abuse is not prosecuted nearly enough, but that doesn't mean that your friend is necessarily guilty of anything or intended to do anything.

Maybe the kid lied or didn't understant what happened. Maybe someone misinterpreted something the kid said. Maybe it's a big misunderstanding. Or maybe your friend is guilty and is preying on your friendship.

All you can do is be the best friend that you can. He knows what he did or did not do.

[Evergreen Emerald]

20. My friend vouched for someone that she said was falsly accused

He was a great family friend. She wrote a letter of support about how he would never do anything like that and that he is alone with her children often and would never hurt children. Those charges were eventually dropped (I doubt that her letter was the only reason for the dismissal of the charges), but may have made some impact.

A few years later, her two daughters came forward to say that he molested them. It was very devasting for her, as you can imagine.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

22. It must have been...

I have to admit that while I do not believe the allegations against my friend are true, I can't honestly say I'd trust him alone with my children. However, this is only because of the accusations that have been made.