Retired Bush valet: W has never wiped own ass

[yurbud]

EXCERPT:

(AP) Thrallport, Maine--Alan Puckerthorn, recently retired lifelong valet of President George W. Bush is surprised that the public thinks of his former master as a "regular guy."

"I served Master Junior from the time he was out of his nappies until my arthritis made it difficult for me to dress and wipe him everyday," Puckerthorn said. "I doubt that he could survive more than a few hours or even minutes without servants to attend to his needs."

Remarkably, he claims the president has never even wiped himself after defecating. "Never. A gentleman does not touch feces even with toilet paper." In fact, toilet paper has never touched Bush's posterior. "His mother insisted we cleanse his anus with natural sponges soaked in mineral water, and then blow on it until it dried."

Puckerthorn didn't consider this duty a hardship until he had to accompany Bush to his one year of public education in fourth grade. "The other children would mock the master viciously when they saw me servicing his rectal hygiene needs. Being a child of privilege this did't hurt his pride any, but it did annoy him." He went on to say that Bush had him beat several of the boys that mocked him. "One must learn to respect their social superiors, and a good drubbing did the trick for most." One boy persisted in teasing Bush though, so Puckerthorn was forced to take the matter to the elder Bush, who used his CIA connection to have the child sold into slavery....

FULL TEXT:
http://professorsmartass.blogspot.com/2005/04/retired-bush-valet-w-has-never-wiped.html

[Lars39]

1. LOL

:D

[Book Lover]

2. Ha!

I just love April Fool's Day!

[JohnyCanuck]

3. Now we know why Rove is known as "Turdblossom."

Seems like it would be an apt name for Master George's resident ass-wiper.

When asked how the president will survive without him, Puckerthorn demured. "I've signed a confidentiality agreement that forbids me to give the details, but I believe the duty has fallen to a pasty, pudgy senior staffer. He looks like that unfortunate fat fellow in Deliverance, only not so manly. I knew that it was time to retire when I came in one morning and found him helping the master with his pants."

:rofl:

[ComerPerro]

4. We should send this link out to people in email spam, like RWers do

doesn't matter if its true or not! And who cares if its a prank. Point is, it makes Bush look bad, the guy used to work for him so HE KNOWS, and we have A LINK!!!!!

LOL.

I get those all the time from my RW family, quotes supposedly from Hillary becasue a "former staffer" heard her say it.

Then, in the same email, they have lists and lists of "former staffers" praising the Bushes.

[Richard Steele]

8. The same thought crossed my mind.

Even though it's fiction, it manages to touch upon
some important truths. More TRUTH than the average RW
rumor-mails that get spammed around by the millions.

[yurbud]

14. as the author, I strongly approve

[onehandle]

5. I thought this was common knowledge.

This blue blood, silver spoon, Connecticut yankee prat is no Texas everyman.

[whistle]

6. Excellent, Dubya is the real live version of Arthur

Remarkably, he claims the president has never even wiped himself after defecating. "Never. A gentleman does not touch feces even with toilet paper." In fact, toilet paper has never touched Bush's posterior. "His mother insisted we cleanse his anus with natural sponges soaked in mineral water, and then blow on it until it dried."

Why mineral water? Is that to get a ring of calcification around the sphincter muscle?

[av8rdave]

16. don't insult Arthur like that...

at least he was funny

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

7. Thrallport, ME.. another fictional Maine town

That was the first thing I noticed in this article. I've never heard of it before.

[Richard Steele]

9. Psst- check your calendar!

[rasputin1952]

10. ROFLMAOPIP...

"buggered in a coffin"....

[cloudbase]

11. I must have been absent

from class back in officer and gentleman school when they covered the part about wiping your own butt. I was there on the day they taught us that the job wasn't finished until the "paperwork" was completed, though.

[Turbineguy]

13. It must be true though

it is not debunked by snopes.com

[cloudbase]

17. Hey, Turbineguy!

Do you think that RD has Billie do the same for him?

[Ilsa]

12. "...buggered in a coffin by someone else's gentleman's gentleman,..."

College posed a different set of challenges for the future president's valet. When Bush wished to join Skull & Bones, it was Puckerthorn who had to endure the initiation. "Although I'm British, I didn't enjoyed being buggered in a coffin by someone else's gentleman's gentleman, I can assure you."

[mnhtnbb]

15. Hilarious. I can donate a roll of TP with Bush's face on each square.