Need some feedback: Family Arguments

[Darth_Kitten]

Do you ever get into bad family arguments over things? Say bad things that you don't really mean? Find it doesn't take much to start such a fight?
How do you resolve things, do people just eventually calm down and start treating each other normally again?

Just curious. I hate arguing with anybody but this fight I had with my dad over Xmas is still on my mind. It's not the first time but hopefully it won't be a regular occurance. :( I always think I'm the "only" person going through things like this (know I'm not, but if you are in a low frame of mind, you probably believe things are much worse than they are)

Thanks. :)

[TrogL]

1. We fight like cats and dogs

Well, my partner and I, anyway. It all blows over in an hour.

The rest of the family believes in British "stiff upper lip" and nothing ever gets resolved.

[Bunny]

2. I don't get into too many fights with my family.

We're pretty non-confrontational. But as for your father: My dad died almost one year ago. I'd give anything to have him back. If you've had a falling out with your dad, and you want to keep a relationship with him, reach out and make amends, regardless of who is right or wrong. The day will come when he won't be around, and you may very well regret the harsh words. Fix it up while you still can.

Sorry, that's the end of my lecture. :)

[Darth_Kitten]

4. Well, he's not much of a phone talker.

and he was in bed sick the last time I spoke to my Mom. I told Mom to pass on my message that I wish him luck with quitting smoking.
We'll talk again, I'm sure. ;)

[Mikimouse]

3. Depends on the nature of the argument...

I say this because I have, in the recent past, had what I consider the final argument with my father. After 50 years of putting up with his abuse (physical, mental, and emotional), I walked away at Thanksgiving, and returned only for a few minutes on December 26th to drop off a gift (with my wife), since she had already gotten it prior to the final explosion. I am almost sorry to say that I do not regret the final breakup between me and father, as it brought to a close a seemingly unending cycle of violence and humiliation. I don't know what was the nature of the argument you had with your dad, and hope that it was not of the same type as mine, but I would say this to you: you are your own person, and as such you have a right to follow your own path, without your family taking cheap shots at you for doing so. This has been my experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Darth_Kitten]

8. I think we were both on edge...

and bad things were said on both sides, as we both have tempers. Xmas is not my best time, and I know my grandma's recent death was on my dad's mind. I haven't been in the best frame of mind as well.
I just made some cheap shots about some family dynamics and perceived favourtism, etc. (long story) and he responded in kind. It wasn't a nice argument, not that ANY argument is.

I just take a while to get over things....I feel bad it happened, and I feel bad for some of the things I said. Mom said there were no winners in the fight, it was 50/50. Yes, I'm sure things will get better, but I just feel bad about the whole thing.

[truthspeaker]

12. both mikimouse and bunnyi are right

The trick is figuring out which advice applies to you.

[mopinko]

5. ugh, yes

i'm actually not even talking to my family, or my in-laws right now. having lots of nuclear family problems, and just don't feel like the rest of these guys would be anything but critical and back-biting. so, f**& them. i actually love my family, mostly, there are just a couple of them that just make me crazy, and i can only handle them when i am on a steady keel myself.
but in my experience, the more dysfunctional people are, the more you can get away with denial. you can just act like nothing happened, and they are just as happy to go along with that. don't know if this applies in your case.
but my advice is, save yourself. we all want a family that is warm and fuzzy, and always there for us. but i think they are only on tv. you can grow some armor, or stay away, whatever you have to do. you have my permission.

[xray s]

6. If its still on your mind you need to resolve it

Don't let it eat at you.

Try sending one of those "thinking of you" cards to your dad (no doubt you are), tell him you are sorry you exchanged harsh words at Christmas, and that you love him.

Just the fact that you care means things will turn out ok.

[FunBobbyMucha]

7. Growing up, my mom would knit afghans for the elephants in the room.

Confrontation, even honest communication happened rarely. I was left at 19 with no sense of who my mother was, and characterizing my father as Homer Simpson (spot on, as time has revealed).

My wife and I were made for each other. We entered our marriage 20 years ago determined to never go to bed angry at each other. We have some terrible fights, but at the end of the day we know where we stand, and more importantly, how the other regards us. As a happy result, the only time I sleep on the sofa is when I fall asleep watching HBO.

My point, if I even had one, was fuck Rush Limbaugh. No, wait, that's not it. My point is, try to look at your family dynamics and don't carry them into your future family.

And fuck Rush Limbaugh. right in the ear.

[SOteric]

9. My family is actually pretty close and fairly reasonable, but once

I had a falling out with my eldest brother.

He'd taken on the role of my protector and confidante when we were young, but as an adult, he took to meddling in my personal life. He meddled to the point of causing great harm, and I was in a swirling sea of anger and betrayal over his actions.

It affected everything in my life.

A friend I respect greatly advised me to let that sense of betrayal channel itself through art, poetry, essays and journaling. Anger and pain need to come out, but there are constructive and destructive ways to do it. Letting it drive a wedge between myself and the rest of my family was a destructive way. Writing my pain all the way down to the bone was a constructive way.

As for making amends, some things are things about which people are inconsolable. No apologies were given, and none would have been acceptable. That same friend advised me to 'fake it until I felt it.' It's been a long time coming, but each year brings us closer to normalisation.

We're doing okay.

My mother is gone from us now. It broke her heart that she couldn't see us reconciled. I like to hope she's somehow aware of the progress.

[ZenLefty]

10. We just backstab one another

We're nice and civil when we're together. But when one of us leaves the room... sheesh! :o

[Raven]

11. My rule is ...walk away.

I don't think anyone wins family arguments so I don't get into them. My mother is going on 90 and it never pays to argue with someone that age. My brother would love a fight so I don't give him the pleasure. I try to mind my own business and I have made it clear that I expect to be left alone. It works.