A hippie walks into a bar...

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

A hippie walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, ’Hey, that’s very colorful! Where’d you get him?’ and the parrot says ‘Berkeley! The place is full of them!

[PVnRT]

1. A hippie walks into a bar

and says "Ouch! That hurt."

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

11. A Freeper is walking along the river

A Freeper is walking along the river, and sees another Freeper walking along the opposite bank.

He calls across, "Hey, how can I get to the other side?"

The other freeper replies, "You ARE on the other side..."

[BigDaddyLove]

14. Good one........

:+

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

24. A drunk walks OUT of a bar into two priests...

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it."

He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

28. A man walked into a bar holding an alligator

He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. ROTFL!!

That's excellent!!

[MissMarple]

2. I like it. It is short enough even I can remember it.

Apologies to all hippies. :evilgrin:

[Loonman]

3. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his

crotch.

The bartender says, "hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel attached to you?"

The pirate says, "yar, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

[regnaD kciN]

42. That's a classic...!

The first time I heard it was from the lead actress in the film I directed last year. We were right in the middle of her most dramatic scene, and she gave a quick version of that joke between takes. (Yes, I was keeping the camera running, and, yes, I am planning on including it in the deleted scenes section of the DVD...)

[IronLionZion]

65. ROTFLMAO!

awesome!

[PVnRT]

4. A horse walks into a bar

and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

[CanuckAmok]

49. I heard that one with Sarah Jessica Parker instead of the horse... n/t

[mac56]

50. I heard it with Celine Dion.

nm

[Loonman]

5. A skeleton walks into a bar

Says, "can I have a beer and a mop?"

[twistedliberal]

6. A termite walks into a bar

and says "Is the bar tender here?"

[BigDaddyLove]

7. A Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead walk into a bar........

followed by a Priest and a Rabbi; the bartender looks up and says "What's this some kind of joke?"

[CO Liberal]

8. A Mushroom Walks Into a Bar

The batender tells him "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

To which the mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fungi!" (Fun guy)

:-)

[dolo amber]

9. A woman walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "Give me an entendre, and make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her. :evilgrin:

[Terran]

64. Oooo...

I love that one! English major humor! :D

[brainshrub]

71. I'm afraid I must hunt you down and kill you now.

No offense.

[mac56]

10. A grasshopper walks into a bar...

and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Fred?"

[mac56]

12. A kangaroo walks into a bar...

The bartender thinks, "Kangaroos can't know too much about money." So when the kangaroo orders a beer, the bartender serves it up and says, "Fifteen dollars, please."

The kangaroo looks surprised, but digs into his pouch and comes up with the money.

Looking to make small talk, the bartender says, "You know, we don't get many kangaroos in here."

The kangaroo replies, "Fifteen bucks for a beer? I'm not surprised."

[MadAsHell]

13. a dog walks into a bar asks the bartender for a beer and ...

Bartender says "Holy shit, a talking dog!!!"

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

15. Two fonts walk into a bar...

The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

16. A dyslexic...

...walks into a bra.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

57. lol

good one, I like it

[oldleftguy]

17. After reading this thread...

...I'm worried Bush will win by default! :spank:

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

18. A Jew walks into a bar...

[mopinko]

33. hey, i've had that beer

i have the t-shirt- hebrew-the chosen beer. it's pretty good beer.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

37. so have I

it's tasty :)

[11 Bravo]

19. A (insert hair color here) walks into a bar

orders 5 martinis and has sex with 5 guys. The next day she returns, orders 10 martinis and has sex with 10 guys. She returns again the following day and orders 5 margueritas. The bartender says, "I thought you only drank martinis." She replies, "Not any more, they make my (insert word for female genetalia here) sore."

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

20. A banana and an orange walk into a bar

The banana says to the orange, "Your round!"

[mac56]

21. A guy walks into a bar

and the bartender demands he wear a tie. The guy goes to his car and finds the jumper cables in the trunk. He wraps them around his neck, sort of like a bolo tie, and returns to the bar.

The bartender looks him over and says, "Okay, you can come in - but just don't start anything."

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

22. A man walks into a bar with his dog

He puts the dog on the bar stool next to him. The bartender wanders over and the man says: "I'll have a pot thanks, mate." The dog says: "I'll have the same."

The bartender does a double- take and looks over to the dog and asks: "Did you just talk?"

"Yep," says the dog. "My God! That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog."

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner.

"Yeah, you could say it's been a journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq - can't tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that."

The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. "We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?"

"About $10," the man replies.

"Why only $10 - that's madness," exclaims the bartender.

The man answers: "He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things."

[mac56]

23. A guy walks into a bar...

and orders ten double martinis. The bartender mixes the drinks and lines them up on the bar. The guy proceeds to chug all ten, one after another, without stopping.

"Say, buddy," asks the bartender, "how come you're drinking so fast?"

"If you had what I have," the guy says, "you'd be drinking fast too."

"Why?" asks the bartender. "What do you have?"

The guy replies, "Thirty-five cents."

[mac56]

25. A guy walks into a bar...

and says, "Drinks for everyone, and bartender, pour one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and drinks up.

Not long after that, he orders another round for everyone including the bartender. They all drink up.

A few minutes later, he orders a third round. The bartender says, "Sir, you need to pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."

The guy says, "Pay? I don't have any money." Whereupon the bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.

A few minutes later, the guy comes back in and says, "Bartender, drinks for everyone. But not for you. You get nasty when you have a couple of drinks."

[Loonman]

26. A guy walks into a bar

Says "when I drink, everybody drinks", and the bartender gives everyone in the bar a new drink.

The bar crowd cheers and they all drink up.

The guy then says, "when I pay, everybody pays", and slaps a $5 down and beats it out of the bar.

[Zero Gravitas]

27. A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar

He says to the bartender "I lost an electron"
The bartender says "are youe sure?"
--"yes I'm positive"

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

29. A guy walks into a bar with a dog

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The owner then asks, "what's the opposite of smooth?"
The dog answers "ROUGH."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

30. A man walks into a pub with an octopus

he puts in on the counter and bets anyone in the pub that they can't find an instrument too hard for the octupus to play. The bet stands at £50.

The first drinker to have a go brings the octopus a trumpet. The octupus takes it and without hesitation plays a tune Louis Armstrong would have been proud of.

Secondly a man comes up and hands the octopus an electric quitar. Again the pub is amazed by the skill as the octupus plays a perfect rendition of Hendrix's along the watchtower.

The octupus' owner pockets the money and is about to leave when a scotsman comes in and puts a set of bagpipes on the bar. The octopus picks them up. Looking very puzzled he fumbles with it for a bit. With delight the scotsman says! "Aha, ya canne play it can ye?!" The octopus looks at him and says

"Play it? I'll fuck it when I work out how to get its pajamas off!"

[dudeness]

44. LMFAO..

..

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

31. A drunken idiot is mouthing off

at a bar claiming "Anything anyone here can do, I can do better. I bet anyone here a hundred bucks that i can beat them at anything they do." Suddenly, a man speaks up and says, "I'll bet you I can fly better than you." The drunk thinks for a moment and says "you're on." The two men and many others rush to the roof. The unknown man steps to the ledge of the roof, flies out over the street and comes back, landing safely. The crowd and the drunk look on stunned, but the drunk decides to live up to his bet. He steps to the ledge, jumps off and falls down to the ground, breaking his neck on impact. The bartender turns to the unknown man and says "you know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk superman."

[catmandu57]

32. Guy walks into a bar

"Gimme a straight shot"
The bartender say "what're you celabrating or something"?
Guy says "Yeah, my first blowjob".
The bartender says "Well, here you must have another".
Guy says " No Thanks, if this doesn't get the taste out nothing will".

[dudeness]

45. Ah yuck..

lol..

[mac56]

34. An LP record album walks into a bar...

The bartender yells, "Hey! Get outta here! This is a singles bar!"

[mac56]

35. A baby harp seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

Seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

[BiggJawn]

36. Guy walks into a bar and sees this huge jar of cash...

"What's the deal?" he asks.

"That cash belongs to who ever can make the mule out back laugh" says the barkeep.

"OK, I'll try" They go out back, the guy whispers something in the mule's ear, mule busts out laughing. Guy collects the money and leaves.

'Bout a year later, same thing happens, only this time the deal is to make the mule cry. Guy goes out back, comes in leading the mule, who's bawling his eyes out. the guy reaches for the jar and the barkeep says
"Not so fast! I remember you! you're the guy who made that mule laugh about a year ago. I wanna know how you did it.."

The guy says "Simple, I told him I was hung bigger than him"

"OK, I see how that'd make him laugh, but how'd you make him cry?"

"I PROVED it!"

[mac56]

38. A golf club walks into a bar...

and orders a drink. The bartender, however, refuses to serve him.

"Why can't I have a drink?" asks the golf club.

The bartender replies, "You'll be driving later."

[TOhioLiberal]

39. A string walks into a bar....

bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here.' String walks out, ties a knot in himself and tears the ends up. He walks back into the bar, the bartender says, 'Ain't you one of them strings?'

String looks at him and says, 'I'm a frayed knot!'
:crazy:

[mykpart]

41. Guy walks into a bar with a cane and an alligator.

He sets the alligator on the stool next to him and orders a beer. Then he unzips his pants and taps the alligator on the head with the cane, and the gator proceeds to give him a blow job. When he's done, the guy looks around the bar and asks, "Would anybody else like to try that?" From the back of the room, and guy speaks up. "I would, if you won't hit me with that cane!"

[Rabrrrrrr]

43. ROTFL!!!

Thats too much! I can hardly type, I'm laughing so much!! (had to use the delete key a lot on this one)

Excellent!

[Mr. McD]

46. Did you hear the one

about the Magician who walked down the street and turned into a bar?

[dudeness]

47. an irishman walks into a bar

and proceeds to order a pint of the best house ale..as he pulls up a chair he removes his top hat..to the surprise of the bartender the irishman has a green frog on top of his head..the bartender exclaims "what in the name of the holy father is that ??"..to which the frog replies.."I don't fucken know..it started off as a wart on me bum"..

[no name no slogan]

48. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar

All three men order pints. After the barman sets the pints down, three flies come into the room, and one fly lands in each pint.

The Irishman looks at the fly, picks it out of his beer, and drinks the pint down.

The Englishman calls the barman over, and demands that he get him a fresh pint, as he certainly can't drink a beer with a fly in it.

The Scotsman picks up his fly by both wings and squeezes it, all the while yelling "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

blah :P

[CanuckAmok]

51. So this guy walks into a bar...

...OUCH!

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

52. A guy walks into a bar toting a large knapsack.

He sets the knapsack down on the stool next to him, and the bartender notices it's moving.

"Hey buddy, we don't allow pets in here."

"Oh, this isn't a pet. Here, let me show you."

The guy reaches into the knapsack, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and sets them down on the bar. He reaches in again and pulls out a little foot-tall man. He puts the little man on the piano stool and says "Play".

The foot-tall man starts playing skillfully, and pretty soon everyone in the bar is singing along. The act is a huge success, and by closing time, the bartender's sold a week's worth of drinks and the customer and his pint-sized sidekick have raked in over three hundred dollars in tips.

As the last person leaves the bar, the bartender turns to the customer and says, "Where did you find that little guy?"

The customer reaches into his knapsack again and pulls out an old oil lamp.

"Inside this lamp is a genie who grants the bearer a single wish. Care to give it a try?"

So the bartender rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

"What do you desire, O Master?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "I'd like a million bucks."

The genie claps his hands twice and disappears in a puff of smoke. Nothing happens for a few minutes, but suddenly the door opens and a duck flies in and sits on the bar. It's followed shortly by another one, then two more, than a dozen more.

Soon the entire bar is crammed full of ducks. They're eating all the peanuts, making a horrible noise, and getting feathers and droppings everywhere. The bartender turns to his mysterious customer in the midst of all this chaos, and says:

"I think that genie of yours is hard of hearing."

"Tell me about it! You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

[ironflange]

53. A panda walks into a bar

He sits down at a table in the corner, and orders a cheeseburger when the waiter visits him. He eats it, and when the waiter comes with the check the panda whips out a pistol and shoots the waiter dead. He gets up and leaves the bar. The bartender, who saw the whole thing, runs out and accosts the panda on the street. He says, "Hey, what's the big idea, shooting my waiter?" The panda says, "I'm a PANDA, dumbass. Look in the dictionary." The bartender, puzzled at this comment, wanders back into the bar and digs up a dictionary. He sees:

PANDA: Eats shoots and leaves.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

54. That's not quite the way I heard it.

Does anyone else remember a similar joke that involved a koala and a hooker?

[CanuckAmok]

56. This gorilla...

...walks into a bar, and orders a gin and tonic, neat.

The bartender is somewhat taken aback, but decides it's in his best interest to serve the gorilla, which he does.

The gorilla says. "run a tab", which the bartender does.

The gorilla dows his drink in one gulp, and orders another round.

The bartender ours a second g&t for the gorilla, and places it on the bar.

The gorilla downs it, and says "what's the damage--I gotta go".

The bartender, still unsettled by the gorilla, says "eighteen bucks".

The gorilla angrily slaps a twenty dollar bill on the bar, and walks toward the front door.

"Hey, wait", the bartender says, "I don't mean to be rude, but...well... we don't get many talking gorillas in here..."



The gorilla stops in the doorway and replies, "with the prices you charge, I'm not surprised!"

[ironflange]

55. A Polar Bear walks into a bar

Sits down at the bar. He says "I'll have. . . . . . . . . . a beer." Bartender says, "Say, what's with the big pause?"

[randr]

58. A duck walks into a bar

and hops up on a stool and asks for a beer.
"We don't serve your kind here" the bartender declares as he shows the duck the door.
Next day same duck same order. This time the bartender tells the duck if he comes back he will nail his webbed foot to the floor and let his patrons kick the * out of him.
Next day same duck except the duck asks if he can have a hammer and nail. The bartender tells him he doesn't have a hammer or nail. Then the duck says "in that case I'll just have a beer".

[slackmaster]

59. An Irish guy goes to his pub and orders three beers at once every day

Drinks all three, pays, and goes home without saying a word to anyone.

He does the same thing for several years. One day the bartender asks him why he orders all three at once rather than getting fresh ones for each drink.

The man says "My two brothers are living overseas in America. When they left I promised them I'd carry on our tradition of each having a beer in this pub every day as long as all three of us are alive."

The bartender replied "That's a beautiful thought! How nice of you to think of them."

This went on a few more years. Then one day the man ordered only two beers.

"My friend," said the bartender, "I'm sorry to see that one of your brothers must have died."

"Oh, no, they're both fine!" the man quickly replied. "I've quit drinking!"

[mac56]

60. Rene Descartes walks into a bar....

The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and POOF! He vanishes.

[Ganja Ninja]

61. What’s the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?

Proctologists only have to deal with one asshole at a time.

[dontomas]

62. A guy walks into a bar...

and orders a steak dinner and a beer. Bartenter says, "That'll be 35 cents." Guy says, "Who's the financial wizard who came up with that plan?" Barternder says, "He's upstairs doin' to my wife what I'm doin' to his business."

[Jeff in Cincinnati]

63. Apologies in advance to southern DU'ers

...but this one is too funny

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals."....The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

66. 22 acrobats, forming an inverted human pyramid, walk into a bar...

...and ask for beer. The bartender gives a beer to each acrobat in the pyramid except the one at the bottom. He says, "hey, where's my beer?" The bartender explains, "sorry, pal, you can't drink if you're under 21."

(I invented that one at this very moment. Feel free to whack me over my head if it's too lame.)

[mac56]

68. LOL!

Snorted coffee through my nose!

How about:

A guy walks into a bar. He's wearing dusty overalls and a hard-hat with a floodlight, and carrying a pickaxe.

Bartender says, "Sorry, pal. You can't drink if you're a miner!"

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

69. ROFL!!!! Invernted now too? (nt)

[mac56]

70. yup

You inspired me!

[IronLionZion]

67. This guy walks into a zoo...

and goes to the Gorilla cage. The sign says do not touch, so he reaches in and pokes the Gorilla anyway. Then the Gorilla smashes through the cage and chases the guy all around the zoo. The man sees his life flash before his eyes as the gorilla finally catches him. THe gorilla pokes him in the forehead and says "tag, you're it".