This Thread Is UNCONDITIONALLY GUARANTEED

[arwalden]

Your satisfaction is guaranteed! If you are not absolutely thrilled with this thread, I will replace this thread with one that DOES please you or I will cheerfully refund your money.

[GregorStocks]

1. I'm not satisfied.

replace it with one saying that you support kucinich.

[arwalden]

3. "I Support Kucinich"

[GregorStocks]

8. Now I'm satisfied.

Thank you.

[arwalden]

9. I Aim To Please

(Don't go there!)

-- Allen

[felonious thunk]

2. But can I set it and forget it?

This thread, I mean?

[arwalden]

5. Yes... And It's Easy To Clean

[felonious thunk]

7. Hmm. I'm still not sure

Can we consult the studio audience. I'll need to hear them chanting your catch phrases in unison, and look like they are enjoying it before I'll submit to absolute satisfaction.

[arwalden]

10. Will Free Shipping Do Instead? How about if I cut one of the payments?

-- Allen

[felonious thunk]

12. Instead of 3 easy payments, I just have 2 easy payments???

Sold! I'm now unconditionally satisfied!

[arwalden]

20. But Wait! That's Not All...

I'll also include a free bottle of Orange-Magic cleaner and the faux-chamois. All for the same low low price.

-- Allen

[Dookus]

4. hrmm....

I'm still feeling a vague sense of dissatisfaction. The thread doesn't discuss yaks, sex or yak-sex.

I'd like my money back, please. I paid $1,000,000. I'd like it back in small, unmarked nonconsecutive bills left in a briefcase in the Media forum (nobody goes there, so it'll be safe).

[arwalden]

6. I'm Sorry Sir Because Our Prices Fluctuate Daily We'll Need A Receipt

otherwise we can only give you forum credit for the lowest price this season.

[Dookus]

17. I'd like to speak to the manager please

I'm a regular customer here at Arwalden's, and I think I deserve a little extra consideration.

If not, I'll take my business over to MagicRat's.

[arwalden]

19. Indeed you do. I have contacted or DISTRICT MANAGER

in the HOME OFFICE and I've been instructed to get your name and address so that we can mail a check to you right away.

In the mean time, I've also been instructed to let you know that you can enjoy THIS THREAD and any other Arwalden threads for FREE for the next 30 days.

-- Allen

[Dookus]

23. hrmm....

I guess that seems fair.

I will continue to be a loyal Arwalden customer.

[mmm]

11. I love the product but can I get it wholesale?

he he he

[arwalden]

14. Each thread is custom crafted by hand. Sorry, we can't handle bulk orders

or wholesale orders. Perhaps this will be something that we can offer in the future.

Thanks for your interest.

-- Allen

[terrya]

13. I'm always pleased with your product. I don't need a money back guarantee.

Thanks, Allen.

Terry

[arwalden]

16. Another Satisfied Customer. Word Of Mouth Is Our Best Advertising

If you like our threads, tell a friend.
If you don't like our threads, tell me.

-- Allen

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. I can't read the #*($&% instruction manual!

What, is this thing written in Chinese?

[arwalden]

18. I'm Sorry, that appears to be the shredded paper filler.

The instructionmanual is included in the box as a PDF file on CD ROM. You may order a complete set of manuals for only $59.00 plus $10.00 shipping. By providing the manual to you in electronic form we are able to offer our thread readers the best possible value and flexibility.

-- Allen

[SOteric]

21. At last! A satisfying thread!

[arwalden]

22. I'm Glad You Enjoyed It. Come Again Soon!

Please tell your friends.

-- Allen

[Dookus]

24. You're out of soap

in the men's room.

[arwalden]

25. That's NOT The Men's Room!