My sister was raped!

[PartyPooper]

I just learned today!

It was 41 years ago. Now what to do? My parents were divorced in 1960. My sister was sent to live with my father in the fall of 1962. At the time he was preparing to re-marry. Unfortunately, my sister was placed with "friends" during the nuptials. But, one of these "friends" repeatedly raped her during the honeymoon of my father and step-mother. At the time, my sister was 17.

My father died 3 years ago. He would be 'ballistic' over this. And, another sister informed me and the other siblings and our step-mother of this 'revelation' today!

I am still in shock.

What should I do now?

:-(

[Stephanie]

1. She's 58 now? It was 41 years ago?

Why do you feel the need to do something?

[PartyPooper]

6. Because she hid this for so many years.

And, we come from a 'dysfunctional' family. Obviously, she had no one to turn to. And, we're currently fighting our step-mother's relatives over the estate. I believe my sister is trying to explain why she felt alienation for so long.

:-(

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

13. Well that would certainly explain it

And in this instance I DO suggest getting confronting the perp if your sister is willing.....bring it into the light since this experience DID estrange her from the rest.

[frustrated_lefty]

2. Love her, you idiot!

You smother her with love and sympathy. It wasn't her fault, so care for her. Love her, and show it. Everything else is secondary.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. Edited

Sorry..it appears another family member told you about this. I would ask that family member to tell your sister that you were told, or you will always be thinking about it around her.

It isn't a good idea to bring it up since your sister wasn't the one to tell you and may have told the other family member in confidence.

[PartyPooper]

10. Yes, another sister told me about this...this morning with permission.

She just found out. And, She also told another sister, too.

It wasn't in "confidence". She got permission to reveal this information to all of the siblings and our step-mother.

We even remember the perpetrator. :grr: If he is still alive, he'd be about 80 or so. But, I believe I can locate him!

It's like going after a Nazi!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

12. Ah so it was with permission

It wasn't clear from your post. I don't know what good it would do except that possibly he might express remorse. I would ask your sister what she thinks it would take. Given his age and hers, confronting him may do her some good...

It's hard to say...either way..I would just allow her to communicate and make requests of you.

[Military Brat]

4. What do you do? Encourage her to talk about it, and listen to her

For some reason she's kept it to herself. Now she wants you to know. So, there's a message in the secrecy that is just as important as the fact that she was violated.

41 years means nothing when someone has been violated. The grief is still very real.

Comfort her, comfort her, comfort her.

[FDRrocks]

5. Give her consolation

thats all you can do. I would think the statute of limitations is up. Love her and console her.

[TrogL]

7. In some states there's no statute of limitations on sexual stuff

[frustrated_lefty]

8. PP, the fact she told you now

suggests she needs your support. Forty+ years is a long time to hold that in.

Guy to guy, any pain you feel is nothing. Suck it up and be there for your sister

She is the one hurting. Be there for her. That is all.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. Mother of God! I can see why you are shocked!

How is your sister, anyway? I realize that this happened a long time ago, but you must have noticed some fallout from it. I cannot believe that you never knew until now and it is very sad that your Dad never knew. He may have been able to help. The thing to do, IMHO, is to be there for your sister, and make sure that she gets the help she needs to deal with this. This is surely a horrific experience that will last a lifetime. Let us know what happens.:grouphug:

[Solly Mack]

11. Love her. Let her determine the tone

She has dealt with this for years...your anger is new. It's no less real but it is new. Accept how your sister has dealt with it and help her .....just don't let your outrage become selfish. Your need to express your hurt and anger is second to her needs and her feelings.

Please don't take offense to what I have said....it's a been there , dealing with that kind of thing. Other people's hurt and anger sometimes only adds to the pain the victim already feels.
Often a victim will feel responsible for upsetting the family..so the pain and anger the family feels is just one more added source of guilt (no matter how misplaced) and pain for the victim.

Just talk to her...listen to what she says. Hug her and love her. Express your pain but don't let it be the focus.

Sorry for my candor and less than poetic way of expressing myself. Tact's not my strongpoint.

[underseasurveyor]

15. What you said right there was perfect

and right on the money.

[PartyPooper]

16. Thank you, Solly Mack!

I have always loved my sister. Often, I was the only one there who really cared. I have ALWAYS supported her. I believe she knows this, already!

And, I am the most concerned with her life-long adjustmenet to this assault. I want her to survive!

:kick:

[Solly Mack]

17. ((((((((((((((PartyPooper))))))))))))) We'll be here for you

All my heart to you, your sister and your family.

[Rhiannon12866]

18. She is so lucky to have you in her corner

I would give anything to have any sort of sibling. Just knowing that you are there for her is bound to help. Has she had any sort of counseling to deal with this? It's never too late.

[underseasurveyor]

14. (((HUGS))) for you all.

She's lucky to have a strong, wonderful base of people who love her. Her Sisters :-)
I've been on your sisters side of the fence. Goddess, my heart goes out to her :hug:

And to you too Partypooper. I see how frustrated, angry and helpless you feel :grouphug:

[PartyPooper]

19. Should we tell our natural mother?

Remember, she's the one who sent my sister into harm's way!

She's still alive..and, I believe this story would send her over the edge. But, still, shouldn't she know?

I spoke with another sister this evening. I implored her to educate my niece (her daughter) about rape! (Please see what happened to your aunt!) She said she would.

What do you think?

[Rhiannon12866]

21. I think that's up to your sister

But if she couldn't confide in your Mom, after all this time, than she probably just can't. Also, if it would send your Mom over the edge, especially if she's elderly, then there is just no point to it. I think it is up to your victimized sister to call the shots and for you to just be there for her. I wish I had a brother like you.:-)

[underseasurveyor]

22. I would suggest leaving any kind of emotional questions

like that alone for a day or two. You need some time to process this emotional bombshell.

These things don't all have to be figured out or decided in a day. Remember your sister has been living with this for a very long time. You just learned about it and so need some time to process. Remember to be gentle with yourself too.

I'm more concerned with how you are feeling at the moment..........?

[JackDragna]

20. It's a sad thing, but..

..there are many women who are raped, never tell anyone for one of many reasons, then go on and live their lives. The experience scars all women, but they find a way to press on. The best thing you can do is not make a huge deal out of it: just be a good brother. I've been in the position of being a cofidant for more than a few women who were raped and never told anyone. In every case, they just wanted someone they trusted to know. Love your sister, get her through the (hopefully) brief stress she'll have over admitting this and she should be fine.

[Rhiannon12866]

23. I agree with RFK. Let us know how you are doing, as well.

This is obviously a trauma for you and you need to work through it too.:hug: