Gentlemen...when is a date really a date?

[Shananigans]

Help me on this one! So I met this guy a few months ago at this restaurant I work in. The next day I met him again on the computer and we started talking like every day since August. Just recently we met for the first time and ended up staying up all night until 6 am talking about everything under the sun. It wasn't really a "date" but I'd say I am attracted to him.

So ever since then we have talked on the phone almost every day (we used to just talk on the computer) and I asked him to go to a movie last night. So last night we went to the movie Cold Mountain. It was cool and afterwards he came in and we stayed up talking until 2 am.

The problem? I'm not even sure if it was a date. I mean it felt like a date...he picked me up, I paid for both of us (Hey, I asked him) we watched the movie and then he came in for a nightcap. But does he consider this a date?

The other thing is that he didn't even try to hold my hand or anything. No kiss goodnight, nothing...he was just going to leave but I gave him a hug. Is that odd? I mean, we were both sitting on total opposite ends of the couch at my house, so I don't know how we would have approached the kissing thing, but maybe he's just not interested like that.

So basically, at what point can you tell if a guy is interested? I mean, does he just want to be friends? Did he even look at this as a date?

I am just frustrated over it and as cool as this guy is, I don't want to waste my time on something that won't ever happen. I'd rather know from the start that we are going to be just friends.

Any suggestions? I'm gettin' desperate here! :)

[WillParkinson]

1. You asked him out...

It's up to YOU to make the next move. Hold HIS hand if you've got the urge.

[Loonman]

2. Sounds like a date

Sounds like a date.

As for the affection thing, a lot of guys these days are terrified of being accused of sexual harassement, so it's easier to not get physical.

[private_ryan]

8. that's a great point

not just harassment, but assault and rape. Spending life in jail is as a rapist is not fun.

We'd have people here on DU asking for his crucifixion if he had put his hand on your thigh, or worst kissed you in the cheek. If you had called the cops later for one reason or another of course.

[Loonman]

10. Ex-actly

I don't touch anybody, ever, unless I've known them for more than two years.

Nor do I date, I'm not going to have my rep or life ruined on something that can't be proven.


Seen it happen......

[Caution]

3. definitely a date

Next time if he wusses out on the kiss, lean in and kiss him yourself.

[bearfan454]

4. Cuddle up to him and see how he acts.

If he likes you he will get turned on.

[Robb]

51. Oh, that's just sneaky!

The old hug-him-- hey-is-that-a-flashlight-in-your-pocket trick.

Has snared better men than me. ;)

[private_ryan]

5. this was way past a date

you knew each other for months, hanged out together. Even if you had sex last night, it would've been understandable.

I replied to you other thread: Why don't you make the first move? Maybe you didn't seem interested in him (in a boy-girl situtation), or, maybe he didn't pick up the clues.

[mac56]

6. Yes, they were dates.

Yes, he's interested. He wouldn't have sat up and talked with you till the wee hours - TWICE - if he weren't.

This sounds like fun. New relationships are always such a rush. You decide if you're interested, and proceed accordingly. Holding his hand shouldn't be too threatening to him. Or even moving closer to him on the couch. I suspect he'll respond.

Good luck! Have fun!

[liberalhistorian]

25. Yeah, but when you get to be

my age (I just turned 39), it gets to be more and more of a hassle, more and more like work, especially if you've never been married, and ESPECIALLY if you have a kid!

You get the "resume" dates, then: "So why haven't you ever been married, that's unusual for your age?" "So why has it been so long since your last relationship?" "So what do you think you might be doing wrong in relationships?" "Do you think you'll ever get a better job?" etc., etc., ad nauseum. It's fun when you're younger, but a royal pain in the ass when you're older, it just gets harder and harder.

[NightTrain]

43. Tell you what, LH....

When we finally meet, you don't ask me those kinds of questions, and I won't ask them of you! Sound cool? :hi:

[bearfan454]

7. Some times some guys are dumb asses

I remember when I was single this one female friend of mine came over after being at the bar with her friends and kept telling me I had really sexy eyes. After the third time I thought, Hey I bet she wants to do it. She did. We did it.

[GOPisEvil]

9. Yep...some guys suck at getting signals, and are real dumbasses.

I'm one. I know all about being a dumbass. :-(

[KG]

11. amen, brother

:(

[slackmaster]

12. Some guys are shy as well

I misinterpret signals both directions all the time.

However, last night I met someone new through a trusted intermediary. She assured each of us individually that the other party was interested. I think I'm in for a fun time!

[bearfan454]

13. go for it

[slackmaster]

30. I'm getting so damn horny I have little choice but to go for it

Almost nine months now. Plus this woman has a lot of positive traits I have been missing: Employed, financially solvent, no kids, attractive, humble, cheerful, intelligent... I can't lose!

[bearfan454]

14. You live in Austin GopisEvil

I bet you can hold your own in the dating scene.

[GOPisEvil]

15. I am the king of the first date.

Rarely are there second dates. :-(

It's me. :-(

[Brewman_Jax]

16. I know the feeling

Trivia games--good at it.

Reading/giving signals--not so good at it.

[GOPisEvil]

17. Are you living my life?

I'm in a trivia game every Tuesday. I have embraced my inner geek.

[Brewman_Jax]

20. I've played for many years

I have regular games on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I don't play every week. We win prizes more often than not.

If I don't want to play team trivia, I know where the NTN game sites are.

[GOPisEvil]

22. Cool!

I play here: www.motheregansirishpub.com It's loads of fun!

[Brewman_Jax]

23. Thanks

but Austin is a BIT of a commute from Atlanta. If I'm there, at least I know where a game is. :thumbsup:

[radwriter0555]

28. And we love you oh SOOO much more for it baby... we truly do...

((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

(and a tweek)

rad

[GOPisEvil]

36. Awwww...thanks!

How's the knee doing? Today was a doctor visit, right?

:hug:

[NightTrain]

44. That'd be me, pretty much

When I think back on all the opportunities I unknowingly passed up.... :eyes:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

50. That's great...at least you didn't let the opportunity pass you by.

LOL
Duckie

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. He sounds like me - just nudge him

Probably terrified to touch you first or make any move at all - could be shyness (that was my problem) or, as alas many men are feeling today, fear of doing something you don't want and instead of you saying "no" calling the cops or something.

Probably he's shy.

Make the move. As a guy, I can tell you, there are many times I really, really wish the woman had made the move. And talking with guys who aren't shy and tend to be more secure in their dating, they tell me also that they would find it much easier if the women would make the first move for holding hands and/or kissing.

If you're sitting on opposite sides of the couch, go move next to him.

[SOteric]

19. If you're enjoying the time together, why look for a label?

Some guys take longer than others to clue in about whatever romantic vibe you're putting out.

Some guys are shy, and agonise over making a move for fear of rejection.

Everyone's different and you can't always tell what's on someone's mind.

If there's something there, you'll both figure it out sooner or later. Meanwhile enjoy the time together. Build a friendship.

[private_ryan]

24. because she wants a commitment

not just haging and having fun.

[prolesunited]

34. A date is "commitment"?

:shrug:

BTW, not all women hate men and are out to get them. Making a move, if it is not welcome, and rape or groping are on far different planes and I am positive you would be hard-pressed to find women here wanting to "crucify" a man for getting his signals crossed. If you're not sure, just ask, "May I kiss you?"

I would hate to live in the world as you view it in which women are out to victimize every man that they meet.

Just curious. How many of your friends are women?

[bigwillq]

21. I say it was a date

that was normal date behavior, I mean them movie, going back to your place, the talking. Intimate behavior doesn't always happen on a date. I say next time, try and make a move. Maybe try to hold his hand or get a little closer on that couch.

[Ready4Change]

26. Small steps

I recommend avoiding (or expecting) bold steps towards intimacy. I far prefered little steps. Things like shifting to sit an inch closer on a couch, making frequent eye contact, open body language, putting a hand out where, if the other person would like, they can give it a quick touch.

Heartbreak is hard. It's worse when it's combined with big embarassment.
Small steps give you a chance to find out if the other person is interested while risking less problems should the feeling not be reciprocated. It's also possible the other person just wants to take things at a slower pace. Small steps can facilitate discovering that.

Big steps terrified me. Sure it was great when a girl I was interested in leapt at me. But I had girls I WASN'T interested in take very agressive steps as well, and that was really uncomfortable. That discomfort convinced me to never put someone else in that situation if I could help it.

And while small steps may serve to slow things down, they can also speed things up. One time a series of small steps made it quickly obvious that both I and a lady were interesting in each other. It was so quick that we both cracked up about it, started making really silly "subtle hints" and just had a great time.

So I highly recommend small, gentle steps.

[Ready4Change]

33. Oh! forgot this part

If things need labels I'd say the movie night was a date, and the other times were "hanging out." However, it's totally possible he isn't aware of that.

If you're not sure about somethings dateness, ask, or make it clear. If you think asking is potentially embarassing, just imagine finding out in the middle of things that you think it's a date and the other person doesn't, or vice versa. (Been there myself, on both sides of the coin.)

Though it's a bit late to ask about the last movie evening, be sure to check things out for the next. (BTW, if he's the one who asks you, it's a pretty sure thing, but maybe check anyway for your peace of mind.)

[radwriter0555]

27. Uh why don't you ASK him? COMMUNICATE. Talk to him.

What's the big deal?

Think about how simple it is to just ASK if you guys are on a date.

Could be he's confused too and doesn't know if you guys are dating either.

Dang, TALK to the man. You've BEEN talking to him for HOURS. Talk about yourselves as you are together too.

This really isn't that hard.

[jpgray]

29. Physical contact--wait for it next date.

If he's shy you're in eternal date purgatory, because he'll think he's a friend and is too terrified to make a move. :crazy: Everytime I've made a move, ultimately I applaud the decision later. :)

[SoCalDem]

31. Sounds like a date

How about a date that takes you to a place where touching is almost required..?? Like an amusement park..Those rides are "cozy"..

[Lydia Leftcoast]

32. Try touching him in a non-sexual way and see how he reacts

Next time you say goodbye, give him a quick kiss on the lips. If he likes the idea (and is just shy) you've broken the ice.

If he wants to stay just friends, this is the point where he will tell you.

[laura888]

39. this is a good idea

maybe not the lips, tho. perhaps a kiss on the cheek along with a hand-squeeze?

[bigwillq]

35. I like Shanneee's posts

They're very interesting and I like giving advice. I like threads like this

[bearfan454]

37. When I used to be single

sometimes when a girl would come over she would go to the restroom and then come out naked. I had no doubt at that point. You are probably shyer than that though, huh ?

[Kenneth ken]

38. I like radwriets advice - talk to him

Clearly, you haven't talked "...about everything under the sun."

Call him up. "So, I think I am really attracted to you. Do you think what we're doing will turn inot a sexual relationship, or do you see us as remaining good friends?"


I knew a woman once, I wish she would have asked me something like that. Hey, she was older and wiser than me. I was young, dumb and clueless.

[HEyHEY]

40. YOU make the move

I bet this guy likes you, he just isn't sure if you like him. He's probably been dink around before.

[kodi]

41. do something incredibly bold, ask him

you conjure up an image of a honey bee fliting from flower to flower in a contortionist's dance when all you have to do is make a bee line to asking him if he likes you.

on the other hand, the next time you meet him you could simply disrobe and lay on your back. if he runs away, he doesn't like you, unless he was heading the drug store for a condom, so give the scene a few minutes to be sure.

[camero]

42. He probably thinks it's a date, but he's pessimistic

Pessimism keeps you from doing alot of things you want to do. He probably wanted to do all the things you wanted him to do. But he probably was pessimistic about what your reaction would be.

You should tell him.

[TrogL]

45. What are his socialization skills like

Does he go on and on about a single topic?

Does he screw up conversations?

Does he not 'get it' at restaurants?

Does he have "space" issues?

Does he seem inordinantly shy?

Is he just plain wierd?

If so, you may need to make the first step (and possibly all the steps after that).

[IronLionZion]

46. Instead of playing mind games with the poor guy...

why don't you just ask him to go out on a romantic date? If I were him I'd be wondering what you were thinking about the situation and probably ask you. If you like him, go for it!


on edit: spelling

[Shananigans]

47. Thanks so much, everyone!

You guys have given me some awesome advice!

An update for those of you who may possibly be interested, but I finally did SOMETHING. It wasn't much, but the other day we were talking on MSN and I kept throwing STRONG hints out...like pretty much everything BUT asking him.

His reply was pretty much that he's not sure what he wants in life right now, but that he really isn't sure he wants to get emotionally involved right now. He "really values" our friendship, yadda, yadda, yadda.

At first I was kind of depressed. It was a semi-rejection... but after a weekend of hanging out, him meeting my friends, my meeting his, etc... I'm not so bummed. Although I will admit that I wouldn't be disappointed if something DID happen in the future, I am not going to count on it. I am just going to enjoy the friendship that we have.

At the present time I am still getting some conflicting signals from him, but I am just going to try to ignore them and see where it goes. I put myself on the line and he was pretty honest with me so I have to respect that.

In the meantime, I'll just have to keep on looking!

Thanks again for all of your help, everyone! You guys are a great bunch!

[Rabrrrrrr]

48. Glad we could help!

But more importantly, I'm glad you stood up for your own needs and did what YOU needed to do.

Woo hoooooooo!!

(sorry to hear he's not so keen on a relationship, though - sounds like you really like the guy).

[Odessey]

49. Take your time

Wow! Can it be that you have actually found yourself a real GENTLEMAN! Take your time, enjoy his company and let him enjoy your company. Nothing ruins a budding relationship faster than when one of the two parties makes the other feel pressured. What's the rush anyway?

[Shananigans]

52. I just may have...

found me a gentleman...

I don't know...there really *is* no rush, but I guess that feeling of uncertainty drives me crazy. I should just sit back and enjoy the moment.

At this moment I am waiting for him to call me back because we are supposed to do something... I will get mightily irritated if he doesnt! Haha...