A classic - The 5 States Of Drunkeness

[Loonman]

Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right, and of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously will win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

1. I know a lot of Stage #1 folks

Who don't need alcohol to achieve the mindset. :-)

Thanks for the laugh!

[trof]

2. Dan Jenkins?

Semi Tough?
on edit:
I spent a few years bulletproof and damn near achieved invisibleness once.

[baldguy]

3. I like Laryy Miller's better

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"

[11 Bravo]

4. Stage 6:

OK, so she's got an Adam's Apple, I'd still do Ann Coulter. (I personally have never been this drunk. My own personal stage 6, which would precede this option, is death.)

[DS1]

5. stages huh?

Stage 1 - The Happy Drinker
Not particularly talkative around people you don't know, but will converse with anyone who makes a passing comment. Most conversations at this point are pleasant, you might even try a scratch off lottery ticket.

Stage 2 - A little tipsy
You try another scratch off, maybe a couple rounds of Keno. You joke with the bartender during the process, he wants a cut if you win big. Others offer you a cigarette or a drink, you're a good conversationalist. Life is good.

Stage 3 - A lottery winner
The guy next to you wins a scratch off card, your scratch off ticket. You're the one that's been playing all night, that was ~your~ card, not his. That's ~your~ money in his hand, going towards his snotty wife and probably another gaudy used-car salesman ring.

Stage 4 - The Punishment Due
You slam another Mai Tai, bark at the bartender to order you up another, no, two more, you're going be thirsty after this. You grab the "winner" by his tie and wrap it around his pudgy neck, twisting it tighter and tighter with the knife that was previously enjoying life stuck in a crab rangoon. His wife objects, you kick her in the stomach and she goes down like the little tramp she is. People are starting to get up, not exactly sure of what to do. You're in control now, the man is sputtering about giving you the money back, but it's not about the money any more Mr. Used Car Salesman, it's about principle. He took your ticket, didn't even ask, it was ~your~ card, you earned it, not him.

Stage 5 - Redemption
Screaming a bit less after each consecutive beating against the brass bar, the salesman finally collapses, blood dripping off the glistening metal, they probably taste the same. Blood pressure is an amazing thing you realize when you look up, people are filing out of the bar as fast as they can, they don't want a piece of you, no no. Mary, one of the regulars takes a wide circle around you, she's covered in blood, fitting. One of the bartenders reaches for a large knife, foolish bartender, thinks he can defend himself with a knife. You'll show him what for!

Stage 6 - Judgement
It's bright, as you start to focus you recognize the slender forms of fluorescent lighting above you. To the left is a window, inside are your parents, they are crying and you don't know why. Looking down you see the white sheet, a shitty one, probably 100 ply. You must be in some sort of government institution. Noticing the needle in your arm clinches it, they got to you somehow, those bastards.

[SOteric]

6. Oh.