Somebody was a real asshole to me today!

[Writer]

So I was speeding on an offramp, in the right lane in my slick-ass Bimmer (I'm the BEST!), when some woman thought she could get ahead of me! Those 2.2 seconds are precious to me, because I'm a particularly special American and I deserve to be in the FRONT. So there I was, listening to Depeche Mode, taking the space that was rightfully mine, when this person CUTS ME OFF! The farkin' nerve of this woman! I gripped the steering wheel and gritted my teeth. On top of that, she slows and lets three more cars in front of her! :mad: I dropped from First to Fifth! :banghead:

Oh if I had a Hummer. I would have proven my manhood ten-fold. Because my BMW only extends so much. :mad:



(I really, REALLY hope that everyone can tell this is a spoof of another thread. :))

[Onceuponalife]

1. Your thread was great until

you ruined it by stating the obvious at the end. Don't you know yet there are literally thousands of us who have nothing better to do than read evry thread at DUlounge?:P

[Writer]

4. Given my history here, mate, I didn't want to take any chances.

One never knows. :P

[KitchenWitch]

2. You are going to laugh!

The person I cut off was driving a rusted out late 1970s Chevy Caprice!

[Writer]

5. (Snort!)

Then this pays homage to a great song by Denis Leary

I'M AN ASSHOLE

I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I'm your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep
a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying "how about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in the handicap spaces
While handicapped people make handicap faces

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
Nah

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And make brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah!)
And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those greeseball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because we've got the bombs, that's why
2 words, nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?!
Russia, Germany, Romania
they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tianamen Square
and it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, OK?!
John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen,
and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the Duke
and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be!
I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckenthorp, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas...

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. Hey! do you know what you are?

You're an asshole! An aaaaaasshoooooole!

Some of you might not agree
'cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see...
Broken hearts are for assholes
Broken hearts are for assholes
(Are you an asshole?)
Broken hearts are for assholes
(Are you an asshole too?)
What'cha gonna do?
'Cause you're an asshole!

Maybe you think you're a lonely guy
'N' maybe you think you're too tough to cry
So you went to the Grape just to give it a try
And Dagmar
(Without a doubt, the ugliest sonofabitch I'd ever seen in my life)
was his nay-ay-ame
(ONE TWO THREE FOUR)
The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his pancake make-up
(And yet, he was a beautiful lady)
nearly drove you insay-ay-ane
(Let's talk about leather. LEATHERRRRRR)
And so you kissed a little sailor
(Tex Abel, starring in the latest Shepperton production,)
who had just blew in from Spay-ay-ain
("Sir Richard Pump-a-Loaf")
You sniffed the reeking buns of Angel
(The story of a demented bread-boffer)
and acted like it was cocay-ay-aine
(Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf)
You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of KoKo
(Then, on Tuesday night, Ceasar's back in town)
in a way you can't explay-ay-ain
(Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match with Kona)
And so you worked the wall with Michael
(379 pounds of Samoan dynamite!)
Which gave your back an awful stray-ay-ain
(Volcanic hell!)
But you came back on Sunday for the Gong Show
(Next Thursday, teen town's finest...)
But you forgot what I was say-ay-ayng
'Cause youre an asshole, you're an asshole
That's right!
You're an asshole, you're an asshole
Yes, yes!
You're an asshole, you're an asshole
That's right!
You're an asshole, you're an asshole

Now you been to the Grape 'n' you been to the Chest
'n' now I think you know what you are
You're an aaaaaaaasshoooole!

You say you can't live with what you been through
Well, ladies, you can be an asshole too...

_____________________


There's more, but I think we'll skip it. It's pretty rude. :scared:



(Oh... that was Frank Zappa, btw.)

[Writer]

7. LOL

I've been feeling like an asshole lately, so it's okay. ;)

[Oeditpus Rex]

8. Um, no

The rest of it's really sexist, and I want the post to stay. :)

[Writer]

9. All right. I'll take your word for it.

;)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. LOL!

Oh, perfect!

:rofl: