Dealing with an alcoholic loved one

[hyphenate]

How do others handle it? I'm trying to help my mom deal with my sister. After my adopted brother died last year, my sister moved in with my mom and brother to help take care of them both. She was doing pretty good--she had gotten out of a rough relationship and wasn't drinking much, but always had a little trouble getting around because she didn't have a car.

Well, in February, my mom got her tax refund and gave my sister enough to buy a used car, and since then, things have been like hell. She is spending my mom's checks irresponsibly, drinking heavily, possibly taking drugs again and spending time with the fucker who she had (hopefully) left behind.

My mom is terrified of upsetting her and making her leave, because then she and my brother won't have anyone to take care of the two of them. (My brother is mentally handicapped, in a wheelchair and is 47. As the result of a car accident 30 years ago, he will remain like a 10 year old for the rest of his life) There is no one else close to them to help take care of them, and my mom's health is not good. I told her that she needs to say something to my sister, regardless! She's spending my mom's little bit of money like it's water, and my nieces believe she is using drugs again. She hasn't paid the telephone bill for two months, and they turned off the phone on Thursday, but my niece turned it on again. She hasn't paid some of the other bills, either, evidently.

I can't do a whole helluva lot--they're in California, and I'm in Massachusetts. I told my mom that she and my brother are welcome to come up here, but for them, she said, that is not an option.

I've tried suggesting different things to my mom, but she keeps up with the fretting that there is nothing that can be done--that my sister essentially has got them over a barrel, with no real way out.

Any thoughts? I've talked 'til I'm blue in the face, and I'm not helping.

[Omphaloskepsis]

1. I will say this as an alcoholic. I know I am one.

Your sister won't change. Giving your sister shit about it will only make her drink more. It justifies the drinking when you get shit from your family. You need to escape from the criticism and it makes it easy to pass the blame onto someone else.

If you are willing to take them in I would pay them a visit. Assuming you have the resources to do so. A face to face might help. You could also try contacting these people... http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/cdssweb/FindServic_2312.htm#residential


Overall a shitty situation.. Good luck.

[Beaverhausen]

2. You must feel so frustrated

I really don't know what to say, but there must be tons of resources like Al-Anon on the net who can help those dealing with an alcoholic in the family.

I think there is also an addiction/recovery group here at DU- you might want to go there and ask them for advice.

Good luck.:hug:

[mitchum]

3. Your sister will never hit bottom if others continue to pick her up...

I know that sounds cold, but for many alcoholics that must happen before they can ever begin recovery
Your sister is manipulating your mother, niece, yourself and others because booze is the most important thing in her life. The most important.

[boilerbabe]

4. Maybe the CA gov has some programs to help?

I haven't lived in CA for a long time, but I think they might have some social programs that might help alleviate this. You won't have much luck changing your sister, she is going to do what she is going to do...that's sad but true. Maybe there is some home nursing program you could look into? I know it's hard trying to do this from Mass..but as I remember, CA is probably one of the better places for programs (aside from MA). I lived in CA for 14yrs and found that though things were always tough during the '80s and '90s that if you looked hard enough, you could always find some help somewhere..

I will try to find some things to help you out and get back to you anyway..there should be some state-sponsored health-care things we can find!

In the meantime, hopefully your mom will not give your sister too much money to "enable" her lifestyle...

XXXOOO

[boilerbabe]

5. Just went on the CA website:

http://www.oshpd.ca.gov/nid/ and healthe & human services: http://www.chhs.ca.gov/
Can't read my own writing so I hope these are legitimate websites!

Best of luck to you...my bet was that my parents outlive me and will take in my cats!!

Life is too complicated.

[TrogL]

6. PM we and we'll take this offline