Just found some of my old letters to the editor.

[NightTrain]

I started writing them when I was 18, in 1984, and have had dozens published since then. The batch I uncovered today features some of what I wrote in the 1990s, when I was experimenting with satire. The following letter, from December 1994, was a reply to another letter writer's facetious proposal that the government make masturbation a federal crime:



As an onward Christian soldier, I do agree with Richard Greeman that masturbation is a sin against our lord Jesus Christ. However, I do not agree that masturbators should be placed in prison! Onanists are not criminals; they are disturbed people who need our help, compassion and love.

For those who insist that masturbation is harmless, I would offer the following facts: Every year in America, over 200,000 people are admitted to the hospital with masturbation-related afflictions, such as physical exhaustion and sore wrists; masturbation is the number one preventable cause of blindness in our country today.

I am a former masturbator who, with the help of God, overcame the semen habit. Now that I have beaten off that satanic affliction, I am assured a place in heaven. I also have a lot more money in my savings account now that I've stopped spending it on men's magazines, Kleenex, ostrich plumes, and laundering for my sheets.

To those who wish to give up masturbation, I would offer the benefit of my experience:

1. When the urge to masturbate hits you, read the Bible (just not the "Song of Solomon");

2. Try the New PeterPatch. Manufactured by Killpecker Pharmaceuticals of Intercourse, Pennsylvania, the PeterPatch is affixed to the abdomen, just above the genitals, and periodically shoots (pardon the expression) salt peter into your system, thus negating the sex urge;

3. Contact MING (Masturbation Is Not Good), a nationwide support network for recovering Onanists. Just call 1-800-785-5783.

Masturbation can be eradicated in our lifetime, but only if we do it together!

[KG]

1. ostrich plumes?

ok, do i really wanna know what they are for?

[NightTrain]

2. self-serving kick

:kick: