Newbie hoaxes

[trof]

Not newbies to DU.
Newbies in a job.
Have you ever been sent on a wild goose chase?
A meaningless mission?

1. My aunt was a brand new secretary, in her first job. She needed some typing paper. (This was a long time ago.)
She was told to use the "paper slicer". That paper came in big blocks, and you just slice off as many pages as you need.

2. The new guy working on the flightline is sent for a bucket of propwash. Now updated to jetwash.

3. "Bring me a left-handed monkey wrench."

Know any of these?

[KG]

1. newbie carpenters are sent for a 5'x5' piece of plywood

sometime told to get the board stretcher while they're at it.

[trof]

2. There have been times I would have given

my left wing-nut for a board stretcher.
Then I finally learned "measure twice, cut once".

[jmowreader]

7. How to really screw with the guy who sent you for that

Baltic birch plywood comes in 5' x 5' sheets.

[Tripper11]

3. When I worked concrete....

we would be just finishing a job, and we knew a truck was on the way with a new load to wrap it up, but would not tell the newbie. We would then have them go back to the shop for the "concrete stretcher".

Invariably they would call on the radio all panicked that they couldn't find it, and we would be yelling at them that if we didn't get it in time we would have to redo the job.

Great fun!

[electricmonk]

4. We used to send the new guys

looking for the broom cleaner and the box stretcher (same people make those as the board stretcher I imagine) until one humor impaired guy went to the front office and filed a complaint.

[arwalden]

5. New Employees At The "Giant Open-Air Market"...

were informed that the salad dressings would not sell if the oil and vinegar were allowed to separate and that it was their duty to check it every 10 minutes and to keep shaking the ones on the front row.

-- Allen

[arwalden]

6. My Brother's Volunteer Fire Department Crew

would tell newbies that it was their turn to change the spark plugs on one of the diesel fire engines.

-- Allen

[Bertha Venation]

21. I don't get it.

Do diesel engines not have spark plugs? <blank stare>

I once asked a guy at Kinko's how to get to DOS. On a Mac. :eyes:

[arwalden]

24. Diesel Engines Do Not Use Spark Plugs

Come on now... this is on page 15 in the Official Lesbian Handbook. Did you not study?

-- Allen

[Bertha Venation]

29. Then how do they run?

Signed,

Can't Do Butch

[GOPisEvil]

30. Pressure, which causes heat, which explodes diesel fuel...

...some diesel engines have "glow plugs" for use when the engine is cold, but after start-up, the engine runs on its own.

[Bertha Venation]

34. Thank you!

I feel so pretty
oh so pretty
I feel pretty, and witty, and gay! ;)

[kmla]

33. The compression of the diesel fuel in the piston is great enough

to cause combustion due to the great level of pressure. I'm sure there is a thermodynamic reason and calculatioin for this, but just take my word for it.

Ever had an old car that would continue to run (roughly) even after you turn of the engine? That is called dieseling. The gas keeps entering the cylinder, and it continues to fire due to the pressure. It is the exact same principle as in a diesel engine, just refined a little bit to make it run smoother. And on purpose. And with better mileage.

[Bertha Venation]

35. old car -- dieseling -- yes!

I had a '72 Toyota Corona Mark II that did this. Now I get it!

Thanks!

[jmowreader]

45. The thermodynamic reason...

is that when you compress air, it gets hot. If you compress it enough, it gets hot enough to ignite aerosolized diesel fuel.

How the diesel works: There are four "strokes" to the diesel engine cycle.

The intake stroke: As the piston moves down in the cylinder, air is drawn in. The intake valve is open, the exhaust is closed.

The compression stroke: The intake valve closes and the piston moves up. This compresses the air to several hundred PSI, which heats it.

Please note: at this point there is no fuel in the cylinder. This is where the diesel differs from the gasoline engine, which draws fuel during the intake stroke.

The power stroke: Fuel is injected into the cylinder. It ignites upon entry. The expanding flame front forces the piston back down. Both valves remain closed.

The exhaust stroke. The exhaust valve opens and the piston moves up, forcing the burnt gases out of the cylinder.

[jmowreader]

8. We used to send guys on EMHO counts

where EMHO means early-morning hardon.

They used to send guys for skyhooks at Fort Bragg until Fat Jack McMull caught some kid looking for one and got him one, a CH-47 helicopter.

Sending guys for a box of grid squares was fun until the MPs made one out of an old map and a check box.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

9. The Navy was filled with them

Go to the Corpsman and get some Fallopian Tubes

Stand on the foredeck wrapped in Aluminum foil for radar calibration

Send them to a nearby sub and ask them for a "poopie suit"

Oh, and there were worse ones too.

On edit.... how could I forget this one....

Send them out on mail bouy watch, or go get me some more Longitude or Latitude.... we are running out.

[scottcsmith]

11. And this Navy classic

"Go get some Bulkhead Remover." Someone tried that on me when I went to my first ship but I knew it was bullshit.

I did buy into the stories told at boot camp about how aircraft carriers had bowling alleys, on-board McDonald's, and other such nonsense.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

13. Prop wash.

which, by the way, really exists...

[scottcsmith]

15. Maybe I'm telling it wrong?

Maybe it wasn't bulkhead remover. Is there something involving Damage Control Central and some sort of wrench?

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

22. No, I remember bulkhead remover... yeah there was some

kind of DC thing... what the hell was it? something about trim or balance... ballast maybe... damn, been a long time.

[CanuckAmok]

28. "Go adjust the damage controller"--we had that one, too.

n/t

[jmowreader]

47. But it doesn't come in a bucket!

..

[thom1102]

37. More Navy ones:

I need a spool of Gigline,

Find me some Dehydrated H2O,

Go prime the torpedo tubes (it was awfully fun watching cranks running through the passageways with a pitcher of water to throw into the empty torpedo tubes),

Go get some shrimp from the seawater strainers, so we can have it for dinner,

btw, the coveralls we used to wear on the sub were actually called poopie suits.

[XNASA]

41. Remember "Sea Bats"?

If it was your first time at sea, the salts (old salts) would have a shoe box with a hole cut in the side. They'd place it at about waist level and tell you to come have a peek at the sea bats that they trapped.

Then when you'd bend over to look in the box, they'd either kick you in the ass or smack you in the ass with a broom.

I saw it work a couple of times. Funny.

[jmowreader]

46. My drill sergeant was well aware of Fort Devens

He called all of us who were bound for Devens together and said "look, this is the kind of shit they pull there, don't fall for it or you'll look really stupid."

One of the things he warned us against was weird details. Don't go on any weird details the night you arrive. (We used to send guys to the middle of the quad on helicopter watch. The theory was that high-ranking officers came only by helicopter, and there had to be someone there to salute the officer when he arrived. We left out the part about Fort Devens having an airfield until later.)

So I get there, and I go to the barracks, and the sergeant on duty said "oh good! You can shovel snow! Go put on your BDUs and field jacket, and don't forget your pile cap and gloves." Yeah, right. About fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Same sergeant. "Sergeant Cloud was your drill sergeant, right?" "Uhh...yeah...why?" "Well, usually you can believe what he said about nug jokes, but in this case everyone in the barracks is shoveling snow so we're not fuckin' with ya or anything."

[jmowreader]

49. Submarine watch

Field Station Sinop, Turkey, was near the beach, and the joke there was Submarine Watch. You had to stand on the roof of the field station watching the ocean for submarines.

Which was funny as hell until some kid saw one.

In Berlin we used to do helicopter watch--Field Station Berlin was a declared no-fly zone, and you were supposed to watch for helicopters. We'd do this on swing shift at sundown, and tell them the helicopters always came in from the west. What the newbies didn't realize--they figured out that we were fuckin' with 'em bad--until it happened was that the view off the western wall of Field Station Berlin was one of the nicest sunsets in the entire world. (Go to http://www.usafsb.org to see what this place looks like.)

[camero]

10. A guy on a masonry job

was asked to fetch a brick bender.

[RandomKoolzip]

12. In the kitchen where I work....

The two things we always ask newbies to get are:

1. A bowl of steam

2. The "pot-stretcher."

[Mikimouse]

14. We used to send the newbie student nurses to the pharmacy to

pick up a box of fallopian tubes.

[wroberts189]

16. I know number 2 in a different way..

They were sent to the crew chiefs to get several feet of "flightline"..

haha

[never cry wolf]

17. My first boy scout camp

I was sent out for a smoke bender.

And at a dude ranch as a kid they had all the kids out on the first night on a snipe hunt.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

23. tent stretchers too

in Boy Scouts

[GOPisEvil]

31. We sent the newbie Boy Scouts looking for left-handed wind shifters.

Keeps the smoke outta your eyes, ya know...

[bhunt70]

18. funny thread, a lot of benders and stretchers.

I have nothing else to add.

[WillParkinson]

19. My first job was at IHOP...

I was told to go to the basement for necessary items.

Couldn't find the basement in a one-story building.

[Nikia]

20. Our temps are scared enough by the truth

Overheard, supervisor to new temp who eventually did get hired:
"It is very important as a temp that you do not miss work. If you miss any work, we will not call you back. Even if your mother dies, you better show up at work if you value this job."

[Bertha Venation]

36. Oh, man. That is evil. n/t

[Shananigans]

25. The best was working at McDonalds in High School...

We used to tell all the newbies that when they did their final mop they needed to mop the freezer really good. Most people don't think enough to realize that if you mop a freezer floor your mop is going to stick! Hahah!

[chrisesq]

26. Ones that we used in the Army were:

When using a radio, tell the newbie to go get some "frequency grease". Another one was a newbie we gave a hammer and told him to hit an M-1 tank all over to find the soft spots. Funny thing was that he said he found some and circled the areas with chalk.

[Twillig]

44. did you ever send a newb

to go get a can of squelch?

That one worked sometimes. :)

[CanuckAmok]

27. We had a supply clerk...

...and his first day on the job, his NCO berated him for stocking "hoizontally-oriented" legal fax paper. The NCO said that the Clerk had better "...find a crate of f***ing vertically-oriented legal paper, or a f***ing horizontally-oriented fax machine, on the f***ing double!"

It took about three hours of phonecalls before trhe Clerk summoned the courage to say, meekly, "Can't we just turn the horizontally-oriented paper on it's end?" To wild laughter from the rest of the office.

[Loonman]

32. Pizza Joint

"go get the dough repair kit"

"get me the keys for the parking lot"

"change the air canisters in the hand dryers"

"get me a bucket of steam"

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

38. Computer technicians: repair hard disks with "bit leakage"

We would point them to a (failed) HD and tell them to take it back to the store because bits were falling out.

[beyurslf]

39. When I was a teenager I worked at McDonalds...

we steamed the grills, which consisted of pouring hot water on the grills and rubbing a cloth over them to clean them in the middle of the day... but I didn't know that.

They had me in the freezer for half an hour looking for cans of "steam" to clean the grill with.

I also spent an hour looking for a 6 hole funnel to refill salt and pepper shakers.

Ah, the good old days.

[banana republican]

40. Am looking for a muffler bearing for my Mack

[geniph]

42. I've never engaged in this at work, but

in high school, we did convince all the freshmen that there was a swimming pool on the roof of the building that only upperclassmen were allowed to use. (This is a brick building built in about 1918 - yeah, they often put pools on the roofs. :eyes:)

There WAS a catchment basin for the air-conditioning up there, but unless you were a mosquito, you weren't going to be swimming many laps in it.

[Philostopher]

43. Had a science teacher in high school

Who, every year on April Fool's Day, used to send gullible students (mostly girls) looking for the school's sky hook. He also sent them after paper stretchers.

I used to work for a network cabling company -- I was sort of the catch-all office employee, I did all the admin and clerical work and also functioned as a sort of dispatcher/inventory person/central communication hub. They used to pull a 'bit catcher' joke on both gullible non-techie employees of the companies where they were installing cable and newbies on the crew. They came in laughing, one night -- they'd gotten an employee at one company to hold her finger over the outlet behind her desk for nearly five minutes while they looked for a patch cable; they'd told her it was 'to prevent data loss.'

Then there was the guy who was so paranoid about being 'played' that he refused to call back to the office and see if there was any pulling lube. He thought it was a joke, but it wasn't -- there is a commercial silicon-based lube that's used to prevent overstrain on cable. He thought it sounded stupid, thought they were trying to trick him and wouldn't call me to ask if there was any.

[ironflange]

48. New York Stock Exchange

I think it's the NYSE, or a brokerage firm or something. Anyway, I once heard they get newbies to drink a gallon of water all at once. The thing is, it's impossible to drink a gallon of water without immediately barfing it back up.

[Lizz612]

50. Not a newbie but a gullible daughter

My Parents once told me I would never be able to cook anything 'cause I didn't even know how to burn water. Oh man, they had me scratching my head over that one for hours!

[DrZhivago]

51. In the Army

we had "go to the motorpool and get some A Double S grease"

"You gotta take the winter air out of those tires and put summer air in"

"You gotta replace the muffler bearings"

or "get some chemlight batteries"

Where I bartend now we make newbies drain the hot water from the coffeemaker. I seen a girl do it for about fifteen minutes