Giving advice about ... porn?

[Chilly_Willy]

Ok here it goes I gave advice to one of my close girlfriends about porn and well it didn't go too well,(guy won't budge) so I was wondering what you all thought....(ekk I don't really speak about this subject to others, but just thinking fresh advice for my friend so she stops bringing it up around me!)

Girl scenerio:
She new her guy likes watching porn, no biggie they are both together in a 1 on 1 relationship, but she wants to be involved somehow. She feels that maybe if she's there when her man is watching then maybe they will be able to explore more and he won't be so distant. Of course the guy denies going on naughty websites and watching porn, so she doesn't know how to get around this. She doesn't want to stop him, she wants her guy to be more attracted to her than a picture.

My advice:
Talk to him again about it or do something sneaky to lead to watching a porn and BTW thumbs up to a girl that wants to be part of her man's fantasy. I just don't like hearing about it.

Has this happened to someone you know, the man distances himself from girlfriend b/c he's looking at porn more?

[wyldwolf]

1. Here is my honest reply...

...flame me if you want.

A man's fascination with porn has NOTHING to do with his relationship with a flesh and blood female. Women mistakenly believe it does and thus, will either try to compete with it our over-react to him watching it.

My advice: She should either join him and share it with him and OR set an example and discontinue one of her activities - like romance novels, soaps, chick flicks, etc.

[Sven77]

2. soft core porn

maybe explore vanila porn with her, something not as degrading or violent.

[Chilly_Willy]

4. I'd talked to her about this

How can she join in if he won't let her? Are there any other sneaky ways other than what I told her?

Like I said I really don't talk about this subject much so it's like the blind leading the blind on this one when I give advice.

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

12. Here's what I would do if I were her

I discovered this site a while back called libida.com and it is the sort of site where they sell porn, toys and other things to women, with the philosophy that women are entitled to enjoy these things as much as men are. They are very informative and it's like you feel shy at first and then you start realizing there's a lot of fun to be had!

So maybe she could say to him, "OK , you have your space and I will start to do some fun exploring on my own as well," but invite him to join in if he wants. He will most surely join in with her and if he does not, it might mean he has some other issues about it, like difficulty communicating his desires or wants her to be "too pure" for that sort of thing. Which she would then have to deal with.

It sounds trite, but communicating about sex with your mate is like a dance, you have to go forward and also back up some of the time, so that it doesn't feel like one person is the one always controlling things. And it sounds like she has a sense of adventure about it, which is great. So I would tell her, take initative on your own wth a sense of fun and being light-hearted, and see if he will follow.

And not even so much like, "Oh I have to do this and that to seduce him," but more like "I'm going to watch a movie or do xxxxxx in the shower, would you like to join me?"

Because she doesn't want him to feel like she is pressuring him. For example, I always think that one thing that I really like about my husband is if I put on a little weight and start a diet, he always lies and says, "Oh you look great, you don't need to!" And then I feel better about myself and have a lot easier time losing the weight than if he had made told me if I was chubby or something, the way some men do to their wives.

[BigMcLargehuge]

7. In my experience

they don't compete hard enough... LOL.

You are absolutely right though. No flames here (unless the friction ignites my Fruit of the Looms)

[Loonman]

3. Before Penthouse Forum got all bizarre and freaky

Usually reading that together is much more effective than watching porn.

Guys are more visually turned on, I haven't met many females at all that would even understand a guy's motivation for viewing porn or their penchant for viewing it even while in a relationship. It's part of our lifestyle, that's all.

We gotta have a few things.

[commander bunnypants]

6. Susie and the Banshees

are they still around. I kinda remember seeing them back in the eighties. WOW


DEMMAN

[VelmaD]

9. Back up the truck Dude...

I know plenty of girls who dig porn. I myself am one of them. I totally understand why guys like it and don't have a problem with the guy I'm doing right now being all but addicted to it. :-) I just finished having a porn-themed baby shower for a friend over the weekend.

Although I do have to say that women would probably be more "visually turned on" by porn if the directors/photographers didn't do stupid shit like forget to have the actors/models take off their watches and socks. Sheesh.

I suppose having said all that I should say this - that I also know lots of girls who at least claim not to like porn. But I figure that's either a) a lie, b) societal conditioning, or c) both. Girls (and some guys) claim not to like porn because they've been told all their lives that it's dirty. When the truth is they really dig it - why? because it's dirty. People are screwy. :-)

Just my 2 cents.

Darth Velma

[TEXASYANKEE]

11. I'm with ya, VelmaD!

I'm a gal who thoroughly enjoys watching tasteful porn. (Tasteful meaning that the people treat each other with respect.) I find it visually stimulating and a real turnon.

[VelmaD]

14. respect is ok...

but sometimes I can do without it. I'm not into snuff or really demeaning stuff but I have been known to let go of my own need for "respect" and have watched and engaged in some pretty wild shit. (Granted, the guy had to let go of his own need for "respect" too. Did things to him straight boys aren't supposed to know about much less enjoy.)

What drives me nuts in porn is when people look bored. I want everyone to be having fun. I'm way into willing consent and looking like you're having fun is a big part of that for me where porn is concerned. You know, yeah he's got me tied up and he's smacking me around with a ping-pong paddle and later I'm gonna hang him from a hook in the ceiling and cut him but it's cool 'cause we're both into it. If the person on the receiving end doesn't want to be there then I get all offended and start crusading.

Maybe we're just using different words to say the same thing. I dunno.

The boredom thing makes me insane though. How am I supposed to get interested if the people involved aren't. For example, this weekend's porn-themed party. I saw some of the worst gay porn ever. This guy was lying on a pristine clean white tile bathroom floor (which was a cool setting). This other guy was shoving anal beads the size of golfballs into him and he looked like "ho-hum", just another day at the office. Jeez. If I'm ever having sex and look that bored just shoot me...my life is obviously no longer worth living. ;-)

I'm rambling and probably sharing way more personal info than anyone wanted to know. Shrug.

Velma

[TEXASYANKEE]

18. Yes, exactly.

You said it much more eloquently than I could! I have a low tolerance for porn that is less-than-enthusiastic. I usually fast forward through the foreplay (especially guys licking girls) because they're either really bad at it or they appear to be just going through the motions.

Gotta go now. After reading this thread, I'm going home, pouring a nice glass of red wine, and putting Conquistador in the VCR! :-)

[BiggJawn]

20. Oh, My....

I'd say "Please Marry Me", but I know from experience that NOTHING puts an end to a healthy sex life like those 2 words "I Do..." :7

Your anectdote reminded me of the one about the aging porn star coming home...

"Hard day at the Studio, Dear?"

"Yeah, THANK GAWD!"

[VelmaD]

21. s'okay...

I'm not the marrying type anyway. If you can beat up DarkPhenyx I'm all yours. ;-)

Darth Velma - The closest I get to marriage is having an affair with a married man. ;-)

[thom1102]

5. As a guy who loves porn...

granted gay porn, and is in a relationship, my take on this is: yes, it has nothing to do with the girlfriend, and she shouldn't be too upset that he likes porn. I know that for me, I am very secretive about my porn habit, and feel uncomfortable including my partner in it. This stems from the fact that what happens with my partner is special and intimate, and what I do with porn is dirty and (this I think is kind of weird) more like maintenance. It's like taking the car to Jiffy Lube (Stiffy Lube, if you like; every 3 days or 30 miles). Maybe it is a bit of the Madonna/Hooker complex. Hope that helps.

[SOteric]

8. I don't recommend being sneaky. Ever.

I recommend being confident and honest. If your friend wants to explore pornography with her boyfriend it should be because she's interested in or curious about it, not because she think's he might respond differently to her.

If she is interested or curious, my advice would be for her to just say so. Find an appropriate, quiet time together, tell him she's curious about some 'soft-core' pornography, and maybe ask his help in picking out something they both might enjoy.

[Chilly_Willy]

10. All of this seems like good advice.

What if the real problem underneath this is that her guy is writing to other "girls" (could be guys or other) online the sites and that's what's causing the distance between them? Ah there are so many what ifs aren't there? But that's their problem not mine...Well hopefully my friends' problems will be over this time and I won't have to hear anything about sex again from her because it grosses me out a little to think them having sex.

Ok.

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

13. She will know if that's the case if he has lost interest in

having sex with her because I don't believe there must be any men who would say "No thanks," if their mate says "Let's watch some porn."!

[hotphlash]

15. I made the mistake of being the "good boyfriend" and...

threw away all my porn when I moved in with my girlfriend. I figured she was all I needed anyway. She's now my ex and I am running a huge porn deficit. Lesson to all, no matter how the girl feels about porn. NEVER, EVER, throw the porn away, until it is truly time to throw the porn away.

[BiggJawn]

17. And then, HIDE the Porn!

Label the tapes "Ingersol-Rand 48-900 Compressor Operation" or something else as boring as you could make it for a female. Bust out the safety tab so you don't find 6 hours of Christopher Lowell where Marilynn chambers used to be...

And NEVER throw it away! Fortunately, A friend re-provisioned me after my last divorce. What a guy, tormented, a bible-burn-out with a knock-out looking saoon-to- be ex-wife and a porn addiction...

[hotphlash]

22. I replenished the collection with a call to Girls Gone Wild,

and a taping or two off of pay-per-view.

[NashVegas]

16. I think she should dump him

And not because he likes porn (I think that part's just fine).

This line, if I read it right, is waaaaay telling:

She feels that maybe if she's there when her man is watching then maybe they will be able to explore more and he won't be so distant.

Either there's a problem here that has nothing to do with porn, per se, or he thinks porn is okay for him, but wants her to be pristine.

[VelmaD]

19. I concur...

there are several really bad possibilities here.

I think she's deluding herself on several issues. First, there's the whole "I don't want him to stop, I just want him to be more attracted to me than to a picture". That's bullshit. "I want him to be more attracted to me" is secret code for "I want him to stop looking at porn".

Second, if he's "distant" then it's probably already over. Bail now before you get in any deeper. He may or may not be lying when he says he doesn't go to porn web sites, but he's probably lying.

And I don't blame him. Guys (and some of us girls who dig porn) are in a no-win situation here. How much do you show her? How much can she handle? If you say yes and show her what you like and she gets all offended, then what? You're screwed. And he has to know he's screwed because if she was the kind of girl who could handle porn she would have indicated such before now. Since she hasn't he knows that if he likes the hard-core shit that she isn't gonna be able to take it.

Finally, on the subject of "exploring" - if there's something he wants that he hasn't been able to ask her for there's probably a reason for that. Maybe she isn't as open as she thinks she is or maybe he's a chicken-shit. Either way I don't envy your friend. I say get out before it gets worse.

Just my opinion...your milage may vary.

Darth Velma