To those of you who are married or who were married before

[La_Serpiente]

Prior to the marriage, did you ever think that you could change your husband/wife?

For example, my mom was in love with my dad. She thought he had the best character and attitude. They were both compatible with each other on an emotional level.

However, my mother told herself that she would change him after the marriage. My father was not the best financier and he was also very adamant. Of course, being the stubborn person he was, he didn't change, and my mom lost faith in him as a husband due to this. They ended up divorcing.

Did you feel that there were certain flaws in your spouse that you could change after your marriage? What do males think about this? Howabout females, what is your take on this question?

And hey, GLBT people you can add in your input since your time will be coming in the eyes of the law (unless the Reich wing achieves what they want).

[asjr]

1. No, I didn't want to

change the man I married. He was sweet and kind. However, within a week of our marriage I found out he was Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. To this day I don't know why he wanted to marry me unless it was to dominate a person. And dominate he did. I should have gotten out then but I was too stunned and dumb.

[demsrule4life]

2. I think the biggest mistake couples make is trying to

change each other. If you don't like some traits of someone don't marry them.

[zanana]

13. I agree with you 100%, demsrule4life.

I've been married for 24 yrs. People can only change themselves.

[alwynsw]

22. Agreed 100%

Either accept the things you don't like or don't get involved. Even if you're successful in making a change, the resentment isn't worth it.

[matcom]

3. can't change anyone

have to decide if you can accept the good with the not so good. trust me on this one.

[no_hypocrisy]

4. No. Marriage is like stud poker: you play the cards you're dealt.

You learn to love IN SPITE or because of the faults.

[FunBobbyMucha]

5. A happy 20 year vet here

I've been extremely happy with my wife, and she with me, for nearly two decades now. We've been asked by young couples and friends a lot over the years, and we've always agreed on one little bit of advice that we share:

There's an old addage which is a stereotype, but a stereotype based in reality: Women marry men hoping to change them, men marrying women thinking they'll never change. Unfortunately, people don't really change much, and you can't change them.

I know I'm not the punk rocker leaping off the roof of the dorm I was in 1982, and certainly my wife has influenced me over the years, but the core changes in my mentality, my regard for others, my desire, as Jack Nicholson put it, "to want to be a better man" was the result of my wife having faith and affection for me even when I fucked up, not as the result of some mechinations on her part to change me.

I realize that may sound like a contradiction, it's all about passive versus active effort to change a person. My wife has led by example and loved me regardless, whereas my friend D, who married a girl everyone agreed was wrong for him, is three years into a marriage that he is clearly miserable in. The reason for his slow torture is that 'she' (aka Succubus) reeled him in and then lowered the boom--"I want that Star Wars collection outta here, you're a grown man," etc, etc. That's an extreme example, I know, but it provides a pretty clear compare/contrast.

Sorry for the soapboxin.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

9. "I want that Star Wars collection outta here, you're a grown man"

Deport the bitch to Siberia. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

If my wife said something of the sort to me (like throw out my Matchbox collection or something), I'd kick her out so hard she'd be bouncing off the pavement until this day. Joyfully, she loves me as a whole, including my "kid side". And vice-versa.
:loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[FunBobbyMucha]

11. JC, you have no idea.

I practically Saving Silverman'ed this guy to stop him. He's now 30 lbs heavier and a complete tool. She parried with telling him she didn't like me or my wife (or anybody else in our small clique), basically putting a yellow police tape around the punani until he broke off all contact with us. She and I went to war over a photo of him she wanted that I had (classically, he gave it to me long ago, then backtracked "I didn't mean you could keep it forever.") and I told her she would have to kill me for it. Tensest ten seconds of my life--bitch probably would've.

[Richardo]

19. "yellow police tape" HA!

I'm laughing my ass off, FunBobby! :D

[SheepyMcSheepster]

6. an older freind of mine has always advised me of this.

he alway said don't marry someone and think that you are going to change somethings about them. it just doesn't work like that.

[Robb]

7. What you think doesn't enter into it

A marriage is a system by which both people change, they're supposed to, over time. Thinking you're going to change someone in a particular way is as absurd as thinking you can change the way a wave hits the beach.

If you don't both change over the course of your marriage, you're keeping yourselves at the same emotional level you were at when you got married -- which for most folks is dang young. But "flaws" and "quirks" aren't part of this equation; they're symptomatic of a refusal to adopt a more mature level of intimacy in the marriage.

Or something. :)

[ConcernedCanuk]

8. Did I ever think i could? - it never crossed my mind, cuz I didn't WANT to

.
.
but

alas . .

AFTER we got married,

I WANTED to,

cuz she kept sleeping in the wrong bed . .

[Rainbowreflect]

10. Yes & no.

My first marriage I thought our relationship would change. He was very controlling and abusive. Somehow I believed it would be better after we married. NOT.
For my current marriage I was much smarter. If was a marriage long before the ceremony

[EstimatedProphet]

14. That's the best way to do it

My current relationship is like how you describe your current one-we're not engaged yet, but it's obvious we will be. We're just trying to figure out now how to work out the "long-distance" thing, and when we do, we'll be getting married.
When I was married before my ex worked overtime to split me away from all my family and friends, and she cheated on me too. Wish I'd never met her. Good riddance.

[roughsatori]

12. In a fit of bourgeois romantic love I asked another man to marry

me. Unfortunately he said "yes." When I asked him I had, with me, an expensive, very subtle ring designed by a jewelry designer. We went to the cliché expensive restaurant. He was exhibiting his usual odious behavior which I thought the commitment would change. It did not. Three days afterward we called the "engagement" off. He kept the ring. I ran into him 6 months later, he was still wearing the ring. When I asked him why he was still wearing the symbol of our engagement he said: "Because it's a beautiful, expensive piece of jewelry." I took the ring and tossed it into a garbage can on Broad Street in Philadelphia.

BTW: I was walking down the street once and when L and I were still dating and I saw L and some of his flamboyant friends talking on a corner. A car of about 5 very South Philly guys stopped and screamed "faggot." I ran across the street and punched the driver in the face and tried to grab him. They pulled off.

I, of course, considered myself to be a hero. L told me that my punching the guy was "unacceptable." Again, he knew up front that I was a "butch-bookworm" whose intellectual demeanor disguised my pugilistic tendencies.

[lovedems]

15. No, I didn't want to and after 9 years, still don't want to.

I love the strengths in my husband, but I also adore his flaws! We all have flaws and I wouldn't want anyone to try to point mine out and try to change them!

If his flaws were major flaws, I wouldn't have married him and then tried to change him.

[izzie]

16. No I never did but what about this?

My husband was not the same as he said he was and he said I just told you those things so you would like me and marry me. That really put me in a fix.I also did try and make the best of it.I did not do a good job. I was not what you call a good wife and was very happy to be alone.

[NicoleM]

17. One of the biggest mistakes people

(mostly women) make is thinking that marriage will change their partner in the specific way they want him/her to change. HA! The only thing that changes for most people is that they're wearing jewelry that they didn't have before, and/or they're experiencing stress that they didn't have before. IMO, if things were good before the wedding, they'll be good afterwards. But if they weren't good before the wedding, they'll be worse afterwards. Because at least one of the people was expecting them to get better and they didn't, which leads to a downward spiral of blame and resentment.

Women are especially prone to this because we're raised to want a fairy-tale wedding which will of course be followed by happily-ever-after. That means that a lot of people must think somebody waives a magic wand at their wedding or something.

[trof]

21. Well said, Nicole.

I especially liked "The only thing that changes for most people is that they're wearing jewelry that they didn't have before."

Miz t. sez: "Tis folly to think you can change someone after marriage.", and I agree.

What you CAN do is learn not to mind the little quirks and shortcomings so much. You can change yourself...a little.

For reasons I will never learn, Miz t. only understands the "on" function of electrical switches, and is incapable of properly putting lids/caps back on containers.

I used to periodically do my nut about this, but I have learned that she will not change. She wants to change. She PROMISES to change. But she cannot.

I have learned to just make an occasional sweep through the house, turning off lights and TVs. I have learned to secure the top on the Tabasco sauce before I vigorously shake the bottle and spray the room with hot sauce.

And I have also learned that life is too short to obsess about these little things, and not to mind.
Ain't I a saint?
;-)

[regularguy]

23. Wow! I see you're married to my wife too!

Yes, she's quite a woman!

[foreigncorrespondent]

18. In all honesty...

...I truly believe that once you have been with someone for so long, you get used to any flaws they might have and don't take any notice of it.

But at the same time, I don't believe anyone should change a person they fell in love with. If you want to change them, then why get with them in the first place?

[ElsewheresDaughter]

20. expectations suck...they lead to depression

[no name no slogan]

24. People change during marriage, but you can't change them

I'm definately a different person that I was seven years ago (or nine years ago when I met my wife), and so is she. And I still love her more than anyone in the world.

People do change over time. However, you'll never succeed in trying to change them into what YOU want them to be. That NEVER works.

My wife has never tried to make me less of a packrat or better with money, although I've tried to change that myself.

Nor have I tried to restrict her active social life (I'm more of a homebody than her), or turn her into a morning person. We just accept each other as we are, warts and all.

I think people can change, but trying to change them into what you want them to be does not work.

[rbnyc]

25. We both hoped we'd continue to grow and change...

...together. And I think we are both improving all the time.

But, no, I never thought that there was some flaw in my husband that I could change after our wedding. We're both realistic about our strengths and weaknesses, and we're both good at nurturing and encouraging each other as we continue to grow up.

:)

[populistmom]

26. Nope, I never had that illusion, but he did change

in ways not for the better.
Actually, it was more like things that I thought were dealt with before we began our relationship that reared their ugly head years later. It's really a shame too because otherwise things would be different now and we'd both be happier together.

[lumpy]

27. My ex-husband changed

with a little bit of help from me. He no longer follows the Republican lockstep since he finally started using his brain. He finally saw the light several years ago. We used to have some very spirited political discussions, now we have little to talk about since that was our limited communication. Other than that I must admit I tried to change him in some ways. Big mistake. He still drinks too much, is a tower of negativity and has developed the 'old lady syndrome'many old farts develop. I really only put up with him through a sense of loyalty and sad to say, pity.

[spinbaby]

28. I changed my husband

After 27 years of marriage I've finally convinced him that he does not look good in pleated pants.

;-)

[Fleshdancer]

29. Nope. I married him because I had no interest in changing him

Plus, if I don't think someone can change me, why would I think I could change someone else?

[geniph]

30. People don't change because you want them to

or try to nag them to. They change because THEY want to. Everyone changes, and that sometimes causes stress in a marriage too (my ex-husband turned into his father, and while his father was a very nice old fellow, I'd no wish to be married to him!). Marrying with the expectation that the marriage will work when the other person toes the line you draw is childish at best and leads to horrendous disappointment and disillusion.

Marry the person for who they are now. If they change, and it's something you can't adapt to, then you have a problem. If you change, and they can't adapt either, ditto. On the other hand, in a lot of relationships, both people change somewhat and both people find the changes in the other just fine.

[Crowdance]

31. Only the small stuff

toilet seats, obsession with putting raked-up leaves around the shrubberies, other obsession with organizing clothes by color (actually, he gave up on that one by himself). The big stuff? Nope.

[Nikia]

32. No

I followed my father's advice "People don't change other people." and "People don't control other people." He made me repeat that several times after him over the course of me growing up. I think that had something to do with my parents marriage and divorce.
I know that I cannot change my husband or anyone else.
I can accept that unless it involves a situation where things went really bad that I thought that there was a moment that I could have said or did something different that would have changed another person a little to prevent the bad situation from happening. That is inward though. It only hurts myself, not other people.
I have trouble following my father's other advice "Don't have any expectations. That way you won't ever be disappointed and everything will be a happy suprise."