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as I usually get pro-conservative/pro-Bush e-mails from him. Maybe he's coming around. Sorry if this has been posted before.
Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, distinguished guests, my fellow
Americans: never have the rich been richer or more coddled, and never have the poor been poorer or more neglected.
In this great divisible nation, we who never saw a day of combat deeply appreciate the sacrifice of the poor, the brown, the uneducated, to enrich us and our wealthy contributors. (9-11). We pledge to continue to applaud their sacrifice until we can secure all of Iraq's resources. (9-11).
We are proud of the advancements in medical technologies, and pledge to ensure that all who can afford to pay will continue to have access to the best medical care in the world, and those who can't will continue to access our crowded emergency rooms when they absolutely need it. We can always send them to a collection agency later, increasing jobs in the challenging, competitive, creative, and fulfilling collection industry. (9-11).
We further support the division between our heterosexual and homosexual citizens. We defy any judge who rules that those in long, committed relationships deserve the same benefits of marriage as Brittany Spears. We will amend the Constitution, if necessary, to protect her right to marry and annul within 24 hours, for even a heterosexual joke wedding is sacred; but granting equal rights to those hated by the radical right is profane and un-American. (9-11).
Never fear, my fellow Americans, for Lady Justice-on our watch-will have her breasts covered, her eyes blinded, and her scales tipped toward our whims. We will wiretap, intercept emails, secretly confiscate financial, medical, and library records, fingerprint, photograph, arrest, and detain-without-counsel whomever we deem fit, and I urge the Congress tonight to extend their consent for this patriotic act forever, (9-11), keeping in mind that terrible day of 9-11.
We will continue our prohibition of all drugs except alcohol and tobacco, introducing drug testing in our schools, to divide-as early as possible-as many poor and brown people as possible into prison compounds, well away from the rest of us, while demanding that sports teams stop the use of steroids right now, before chemically-enhanced athletes get aspirations to become Governor of California or some other great state. (9-11).
We will not re-institute the draft, which last time brought us to the brink of revolution. We will, rather, export manufacturing jobs, continue to raise college tuitions, do away with affirmative action, make financial aid ever more difficult to obtain, so that sons and daughters of working families have no choice but to join our volunteer Army, while C-student sons of the rich and powerful will continue to get into Yale and Harvard and move into positions where we can deploy that military wherever we wish-to protect our way of life. (9-11).
We will never seek permission from the rest of humanity to attack whomever we will, to use strong-arm diplomacy wherever we will, to pollute as much as we like, to violate human rights and international law when it is in our best interest; and evoke it against others when that is in our interest, to sell arms (such as landmines) when it is in our interest, and I repeat, we don't need anyone's permission. (9-11).
Yes, we not only espouse division within our own country, my fellow
Americans, but also division from the rest of the world. (9-11). Because might makes right. (9-11). Because God is on our side, (9-11), and He, after all, is the "United" in United States of America. Goodnight and may God continue to bless America-and only my America.
Mary Oishi, parodying the State of the Union address of 20 January 2004. Written & performed on KUNM-FM, Albuquerque, NM, 21 January 2004
Permission granted by author for radio & print distribution
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