Who's right, me or Mrs. Robb?

[Robb]

...And I realize the default answer is of course Mrs. Robb. :)

So here's the situation: after Mrs. Robb got her last promotion, we discussed it and agreed that I should quit my job and stay home, writing and taking care of home stuff (you know, laundry, dishes, shopping, dogs, dinner, packing her lunch, all those goodies). So I'm a house-husband, and have had no complaints about the quality of service in that regard.

Also salient: her promotion brought her to a salary level that was (wait for it) more than four times what I was making. She's doing very, very well as a bigwig.

She just returned from her annual "Chick Trip" with her dear girlfriends, she takes it every year. I don't know why I'm obsessing on it, but she bought a pair of arguably cool boots that would have taken me three or four days at my old job to earn.

Now. This morning she's feeling "concerned about the finances," and told me that since she's taking a dance class on Wednesday nights, I could "pick up a shift if I wanted to" at my old job. Because "it would be nice to have a little more money around, you could pick up other nights too."

Obviously I'm not totally against the idea of going back to waiting tables... it would suck, because it's a step backwards, but I'm not afraid of working. But I know that the house-husband stuff still needs to get done, and will still be my responsibility -- because she's got nowhere near the time to deal with it.

Am I a total jerk for thinking about the fact that if she put off one or two purchases like the boots each month, the net income result would be the same?

[GOPisEvil]

1. No. You're not a jerk for thinking that at all.

Obviously she's got some "buyer's remorse" over the whole thing too, or the concern over finances wouldn't have been raised.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

2. I'd look for a job

a full-time one that won't expose you so much to all your wife's terrible ideas. It'll be good for you too, so you don't needlessly obsess about all her comments. It sounds like she's starting to hint that you need to do more. Suggest that you both share household responsibilities and let her know youll be looking for full-time employment.

[ConcernedCanuk]

6. "let her know youll be looking for full-time employment."

.
.

without going into rationization here,

that idea gets MY vote !

[mdmc]

3. High earning hotties are hard to come by.

House husbands are not...
I would rather be kept, myself. :~)

[WillParkinson]

4. Mrs. Robb is right...

OK, now that the wrong answer is out of the way...

If this was something that you both agreed on then I don't see why she would want to back out of it now.

Ask her, very nicely, OK, honey, I can do that. Will we split the housework so that it all gets done in time or should we hire a maid or what?

[NicoleM]

11. Seconded.

[radwriter0555]

13. Thirded. Definitely go for the maid and a PT gig.

It will make everyone happier.

[rjbcar27]

5. Robb is a dingbat.

:-)

I'll side with you on this one though mate.

[loftycity]

16. Stay home

She's making good money. Lots of people out there who really need a job. And you would take a job away from someone who really needs employment.
Invent something, write a book....or go to a dance class and bring the kids! Start your own business from home...

[TXlib]

7. Get a job, but let Mrs. Robb know...

that since you have to take on a job outside the house, you expect her to share in the housework, as well.

[liberalhistorian]

14. I second that, Robb.

Frankly, I agree with you that she wouldn't be so "concerned about finances" if she wouldn't buy things like those boots that she doesn't really need. And if that's her way of hinting that she wants you to work again, then make it clear she's going to have to pull her weight in the homemaking department as well, that's bullshit that she wants you to work AND do all the rest of the stuff without lifting a finger herself. To be totally honest, here, Robb, as a woman, it sounds to me like she's just taking advantage of you and doesn't even bother to see your side of things.

You should really talk to her about it honestly, because if you don't, the resentment on your part is really going to blow up at some point, and then there will really be hell to pay! I've never been married, but it seems to me that marriage should be a two-way street. You've kept your part of the bargain, and she needs to keep hers. And what about the money you'd earn if you did return to work? Would she expect it to go right back into the house funds, or would you be able to use at least some of it for yourself, like she has no problem doing herself?

Sheesh, you know, the more I read of this kind of thing from DUers, I don't feel so bad about never having been married, lol! Although, I wouldn't mind being kept myself!

[loftycity]

19. You are just too smart for your own good!!

[liberalhistorian]

22. LOL!

I don't know about that, if that were true I wouldn't be 39 years old, still living at home with my son and parents, never having been married, and making much less money with two degrees (a B.A. and a paralegal certificate) than many people make with no college at all. Sometimes, I really think I missed the boat and it's too late to ever get on it again.

[loftycity]

27. It is never too late

I should be living with my parents also..I'm making the same amount of money I did 20 years ago.... It is just strange..

[GoddessOfGuinness]

43. Off-topic a moment, but

my Mom went back to college to finish her bachelors degree when she was 48. At age 51 she received her Masters Degree in Social Work and found a job not long after (even though it was the RayGun Era).

I don't doubt that you'll find something that is as rewarding for yourself; because your posts abound with intelligence and compassion.

Keep the faith... :hug:

[liberalhistorian]

46. Thanks, GOG,

I appreciate it and I hope you're right!

[sybylla]

29. I'm with liberalhistorian

And I'm married. I think she has pegged it pretty well, but only you can know with any certainty.

This definitely requires further discussion. I was in your situation. I couldn't earn enough at my job to pay for daycare so I became a stay at home mom with all the responsibilities of maintaining the home. Then went back to college when the kids were old enough. Now we both work and the housework still nearly entirely rests upon me and I recently had a discussion with my dear hubby about reworking our arrangements as well.

My experience - somehow the work at home has to get done regardless of whether you both work outside the home. Perhaps paying a maid is an option. Perhaps a reorganization will work. But if your kids are still relatively young, you may discover like we did that we preferred quality of life to quality of income and made it work. My kids are in high school now so my being home is not so important.

Talk to your wife and be sure to discuss all the factors, not just the monetary ones. Some things are more important than new boots.

[Brewman_Jax]

31. Agree with liberalhistorian, too

and this time, Robb is not a dingbat. From a guy point of view, Mrs. Robb can't have it both ways. I'll just echo the other posters in that you might want to seek FT employment and have a long talk with Mrs. Robb.

I've never been married. After reading this thread, and another one where one had to bite his tongue and swallow his own bile in order to be a good host and maintain peace for the wife makes me wonder, too. :shrug:

I don't want to be kept, but I'll settle for regular phone calls. Just my

[Djinn]

47. why not

I know an enormous amount of women who work full time and still do most if not all of teh housework - myself for starters, the only thing I get out of is the cooking.

It's not fair but it's pretty much been women's lot since they started in the paid workforce

[Beaker]

8. you're going to need that job-

to pay for the private detective when her wednesday night dance class turns into a friday night pottery class, a sunday afternoon "girl's book club", and a monday doing volunteer work at the hospital night...

[Kamika]

9. If youre gonna stay and take care of the house you aint gonna work girl!

sorry but NO WAY if you're gonna take care of the home and kids you AINT gonna work some damn job.

I want to be a housewife when I marry and the guy who wants me to work a JOB at the same time can get OUT of here

[liberalhistorian]

20. LOL!

We can always count on you to tell it bluntly upfront, Kamika!

[populistmom]

10. Do you have children?

If you do and you're trying to get all the house stuff done and write, it's a lot for her to ask. If you don't, picking up a couple of shifts wouldn't be so bad. Maybe though you guys could do a budget together where you figure X amount of $ goes to clothes every month.

[GOPisEvil]

15. I like this budget idea...

...but resist the urge to assign blame. Be very matter-of-fact.

This MIGHT help her see that maybe you guys AREN'T so bad off with just her employment.

Good luck! :-)

[DuctapeFatwa]

12. Talk it over. Communicate

If she is having second thoughts about the arrangement you agreed on, she should be able to talk to you about it, and you should be able to discuss your feelings with her. Work it out together before it ferments.

[ZenLefty]

17. Mrs. Robb is right.

Now, let me read your post.

[ZenLefty]

21. Okay, now that I've read your post...

It would be a good idea for you to get a job. Otherwise, there will always be the opportunity to be a little resentful when she spends money on superfluous things that she wants. She wants to be able to go out and buy those boots and not have to worry about the money, rather than not buy the boots at all and live comfortably.

Talk it over with her. Let her know your feelings on the matter. Her solution, of course, will be for you to get a job so that you have some of your own income to spend on your own boots. And I think that's probably a good idea. :thumbsup:

[nuxvomica]

18. No, you are not a total jerk

And the next time you and friends go out to dinner and she picks up the check, don't speak to her at all on the ride home. If she asks you why you're not speaking, say something like "You don't want little Richie to go to college!" and then bawl.

But seriously, I think you're right but Mrs. Robb needs some understanding. Because of your deal, she probably feels a little stressed at times by the financial responsibility. I think buying the expensive footwear may be her way of proving to herself that she has the financial power to keep you folks secure.

[Robb]

25. LOL!

"You want Richie to have to sell drugs to pay for college, don't you?!?" :D

I hadn't thought of it in terms of her giving her confidence a boost with the spending. It's so interesting because of the flip-flop of the "traditional" gender roles. As far as we've come, it's difficult to imagine having this conversation were I a woman....

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. Not at all. MrGrumpy and I have this discussion all the time... I stay

home and take care of the kids (I also do some appraisal work) He makes the bacon. I am very cautious in spending...I have been know to put groceries back. Every few weeks MrGrumpy gets in a snit about how we are spending too much money and I have to learn to budget. All this is said before he goes out to oil his $400 chainsaw that he recently purchased to cut down the trees (that we currently don't have) on our property (that we currently don't have). It would be pretty silly to see him using it to chop down bushes on our 60x120 little strip of land. :eyes: I feel your pain Robb.

[liberalhistorian]

30. I think you've hit the nail on the head

right there, the fact that he complains about what YOU spend but then has no problem at all spending that kind of money on what HE wants! What he's saying, and what Mrs. Robb appears to be saying, and what ALL spouses appear to be saying when they complain about money is that they want to be able to spend what THEY want but they don't like you to spend anything yourself!

But then again, what the hell would I know, I've never been married, lol! Although I did live with someone once during college who was my parent's age, who slept fourteen hours a day, then expected me, a college student, to work all the time to make up for his lack of income. My money was HIS money and his money was HIS money! I will NEVER go through that bullshit again!

[bearfan454]

24. I would get a job myself.

Extra moolah doesn't hurt. Even if it is just for you to buy whatever you want for you. You know ?

[gator_in_Ontario]

26. If she wants to change the deal,

then the whole deal needs to be re-negotiated regarding the division of labor.

[Rowdyboy]

28. I'd say its time for a serious discussion...

I say that as I am a gay "house husband" myself

After dinner, and a glass of wine, sit down and discuss the nature of your relationship in several areas-income chief among them. Its time to set priorities and goals, draw up a mutually agreed-on budget specifying exactly where each dollar of income will go per month. That way you'll see how much, if any, you personally need to make. Also, you will have budgeted a "reasonable" amount of money for clothes, entertainment and vacations which should not be exceeded. If it is, she'll be forced to accept that she's causing the problem. Where's the benefit if you wait tables 5 nights a week, do meals and keep a clean house while she vacations and buys designer clothing? Something isn't completely kosher here and you appear about to take a screwing (without being kissed).

I usually agree with wives because they're usually right. In this case, I think you both need more structured finances so there'll be no misunderstandings or hurt feelings. The more upfront and honest you are with each other about your financial and personal expectations of the other, the better it is.

[SOteric]

32. Who does the accounts..?

One of you? Both of you?

Reconfiguring the accounts so that a percentage of total disposable income went to each of you to save or spend as you saw fit might resolve the issue. So, she might get 70% for being the breadwinner, but you contribute, so 30% is under your jurisdiction. In addition to which if you save on household purchases such as groceries, dry cleaning or car maintenance, you might be allowed to keep the proceeds in your bonus account.

Ultimately, it's unlikely that picking up a shift or two will give you the extra monies desired. Costs of transportation, work uniforms or suitable clothing and the maintenance and care can add up. If you're just picking up a shift or two, you'll likely spend as much, if not more than you bring in just to maintain the job.

You might explore with her whether this is actually a desire to have some time to herself. (Since I personally crave time alone I can relate). In which case taking a course, involving yourself with a social group or doing volunteer work might resolve the issue.

Or, you might consider whether, in spite of the agreement, Mrs. Robb has personal difficulties with the idea of supporting a guy. A dear and intelligent friend of mine was disturbed to find that she had such a well-buried prejudice, even though she'd agreed to it and it was working and they had valid reasons, etc...

I do think, however, that as Mrs. Robb is the breadwinner, she should be able to make a few extravagant purchases (within the reasonable boundaries of the community budget). Then again, so should you.

The questions as I see them are:

Do you actually make enough to support yourselves and make a few indulgent purchases as well?

Is Mrs. Robb happy with the arrangement? And if not, what is the real root of her discontent? - Is it money or is it something deeper and more complicated?

[bearfan454]

33. Good points SOteric.

Have a good talk with her Robb. You need to.

[Robb]

34. Excellent points all.

Do you actually make enough to support yourselves and make a few indulgent purchases as well?

The answer to this one is yes, so

- Is it money or is it something deeper and more complicated?

...seems to be the issue. A maid service would be silly, IMO, because I'd basically be working to support the maid's wages. And I expect maids make more than small-town waiters. :)

Yah, there's something else to it. We'll talk tonight for sure... we started talking about it this morning but I realized if we didn't shut up and get her in the shower and me ironing her duds, she'd be late! Hee!!

I'm so domestic... maybe too much so? :shrug:

[liberalhistorian]

35. SIGH.

Now why in the hell aren't there more guys like you out there, lol!

[alwynsw]

36. You should get the job

and while you're at it, volunteer for overtime and volunteer to cover for others on your days off. You should also maintain all of the household chores yourself, you selfish dingbat.

[Blue-Jay]

37. Apply for a job bartending in a strip club.

That should solve everything. You'll make decent money. You won't need to do it "full-time". Most importantly, you'll find out how much she really wants you to go back into the workplace.

[liberalhistorian]

38. ROFLMAO!

Now THAT is, indeed, the perfect solution!:bounce: :evilgrin:

[Rowdyboy]

39. Unless you're in shape to get a job as a stripper yourself

Which would be even better! She'd probably quit for you!

[Robb]

41. Ha! This would be great!

Sadly my town is too small to support a strip club, male or otherwise. A few years back a travelling male revue came through town, and believe you me they're still talking about it. :D

[Blue-Jay]

49. Oh well....

It's the thought that counts, I guess. I usually charge for advice of that caliber. :D

[geniph]

40. See, stuff like this is why I won't combine finances

My husband and I don't have combined finances. We each have our own savings and checking accounts, our own credit cards, etc. We divide the bills roughly proportional to our respective income. That way, so long as the household bills are paid, whatever either of us spends or doesn't spend on discretionary purchases isn't the other's problem. I would hate to be in a marriage where either of us felt we had to get permission to buy a DVD or go to lunch. Now, I make a lot more money than my husband does, so I have more discretionary income - if I want us to go on vacation or go out to dinner or something, I expect to pay, as I know he hasn't the money. It works for us.

We do have one joint account, from the house refinancing money, to pay for household improvements. Even though the house is solely financed by me and the payments are made only by me, he still does most of the maintenance and improvements on the house, so I figure he's entitled to a share, too. Since he's the one who usually is going and buying sheets of drywall or whatever (he's a carpenter by trade, so he gets a significant discount), it wasn't sensible for him to have to ask me to write checks for those things.

[liberalhistorian]

42. That's great that you do it that way,

that seems to make the most sense, but remember that each of you, simply by virtue of being married to the other, is considered legally responsible for each other's debts as well, whether you incurred them or not, which is, frankly, total bullshit. The repukes want to "encourage and promote" marriage, let them start by changing and revamping that aspect of it pronto!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

45. Just make sure

you have something in writing (a will, power of attorney, or somesuch) insuring that you have access to each other's accounts in the event of a serious accident or death.

If something happens to one of you, the other will have to go through a probate lawyer to be able to keep estate together.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

44. Hmmm...You're a writer, no?

I think you should focus on finding a way for you to support yourself doing what you love. Don't let up until you find it. It's important for both parties to have financial independence. God forbid that something should happen to either of you; but accidents do happen, and both of you need to feel that you can survive without the income of the other.

LiberalHistorian is right on the money about sharing the housework. And don't let anyone tell you that a freelance writing career is not the same as work.

Besides, you ARE working now...housewife/househusband is merely another term for uncompensated maid. You should be receiving an allowance from her salary if you're doing all the work around there.

[Exultant Democracy]

48. Hey I got your back,

The two of you made and agreement, so other then in the case of emergency you should be able to expect the each of you will hold up yours side. Then again perhaps you can find something entertaining to do, contrary to popular belief there are fun jobs.

[Eureka]

50. Keep her interested in shoes

No matter the outcome. My 'missus' collects horses, 15 and counting. And, on top of that, she has the argument all worked out in advance.....

"I need another horse"
"No"
"I think I want kids"
"Here's your new horse"

:-)

[Djinn]

51. wish that worked for me

If I tried that one I'd end up with a kid I didn't want AND even less money for horses (or whatever!)

[hedgetrimmer]

52. what you need is a nice pair of boot$ and a trip with your dude friends

yeah, and then be a stripper... it makes a whole lotta dough...
:) happy day.