Advice on the Appropriateness of Belated Sympathy?

[Orrex]

About two years ago I learned that the mother of a very good friend from high school had passed away a few months earlier. I was very close to the whole family, and news of her passing really struck me, not least because I was so late in finding out about it. My friend and I had drifted out of touch, and I hadn't seen him or anyone else in his family for well over a decade. I was strongly inclined to send a card or some kind of a note at least, but in the end I decided against it because I was concerned that it would, at that point, risk renewing his grief. And, in any case, we hadn't spoken for so long that it just felt weird to contact him in such belated circumstances.

Yesterday I learned that the father of another high school friend died in February. She and I likewise haven't spoken in quite a few years, but I was very close with her family as well, so a lot of the same feelings popped up again.


Is it appropriate in cases like these to send some kind of missive expressing sympathy? Or is it better not to risk causing them to grieve all over again?

[Kali]

1. I think it is fine.

If it were me it might cause a resurgence of those feelings, but what is wrong with that? Grief is natural and the connection of an old friend is all part of healing. Do it.

[raccoon]

2. I'd go ahead and send it.

It acknowledges their loss.

Trust me, they aren't over grieving yet.

[Gormy Cuss]

3. It's appropriate and most often appreciated.

To hear from a long lost friend who also shares memories of your loved one can be comforting. Six months is still a short time when you're grieving a parent, a partner, or a child and no supportive missive should be able to add to it.

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. "Risk renewing his grief"? "risk not causing them to grieve again"? Nonsense.

Pure nonsense.

Have no fear - that thinking is a pure fallacy, a lie, a sign of our immature society that fears death (and sex); that believes grieving is a kind of weakness, something to be avoided, shunned, and shamed; and that is afraid to speak the truth and use words like "dead" and "Died" and "death", and instead comes up with hilariously nonsensical euphemism to hide ourselves from the truth; and an utterly false belief that we are all way too fragile to speak honestly about death, and that to do so will send us off the deep end and into those nasty, horrible, grieving hysterics that make us all so uncomfortable.


Send the note of sympathy - they will appreciate it! And use honest language - "died" and "death", not "lost" or "passed away" or other toxic euphemisms.

They really will appreciate it. Trust me! We all like to hear from people about our dead loves ones, and to know that we are cared for in times of grief.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

7. Well said.

The idea of renewing grief is only applicable if the person is hiding from it. In which case, they NEED the grief renewed in order to move forward with their lives.

Either way, it will be appreciated.

[supernova]

5. It's OK, go ahead and send it

Yes, it can hurt again to be reminded once you start moving away in time from the event. But part of the healing process is learning to deal with those external cues and dealing with whatever feelings come up.

And really, hearing from someone you really enjoyed almost always overrides any current sadness. :-)

[Midlodemocrat]

6. Having been where your friends are in losing their parents

I think it would be wonderful of you to send them a card. Letting someone know that you are thinking of them is a very kind gesture.

[Orrex]

8. Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses, except Rabrrrrrr

But only because he has too many R's in his name.


I suppose that I'll send a card to each of them--I'll need to do a little work to track down their addresses, but I guess that's part of the process.


Thanks again!

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. Everyone except me? Too many r's?

x(

[Javaman]

9. Months after my dad passed away I got a few cards expressing

sympathy. I was so happy to get them, why? It showed to me just how far and wide my dads life had touched so many lives.

[skygazer]

10. I sent a friend a card probably 2 years after her dad died

I'd just found out and we hadn't seen each other for at least ten years. I just said in it that I'd just heard and that I was sorry to hear it, that I had fond memories of both her parents and hoped she was doing well.

She ended up calling me and it caused the renewal of a really great friendship. People appreciate it when their loved ones are remembered - what causes the most pain is when people don't mention them because they're afraid of causing grief. It makes it seem like no one cares.

[trof]

12. ALWAYS right to show concern. eom