I had a fight with a good friend.

[Raven]

I feel badly about it but not enough to call her. She is one of my oldest friends and has had a number of medical problems over the last several years. She tends to "run for luck" and is not a very good medical comsumer.

Recently she decided to have the joint in one of her fingers taken care of because of painful arthritis. She scheduled surgery with a doc but didn't ask what the procedure was going to be. At the last minute she found out that the doc was going to fuse the joint and that she would never be able to bend the finger again. She cancelled the surgery. She then went to another doc. This doc has a known alcohol problem and was pulled over recently for DWI (it was in the newspaper). In spite of all of that, she scheduled surgery with him and he ended up replacing the joint but now the finger is bent at a 90 degree angle. I suggested that she call the doc and find out what is going on and what can be done. She declined to do that.

Last week she called me to say that another doc had called her (an internist that she had seen two years ago) and told her that test results in connection with the surgery which were sent to her (this doc) indicated that she might have diabetes and another medical problem (she could not remember what this medical problem was and did not write it down and will not call to find out).

I got pretty firm with her on the phone about following this up and she got angry and accused me of "bullying" her. I hung up. I know someone here is going to tell me that I should not have done that and they are probably right, but I am pretty tired of being asked for advice from someone who then not only doesn't take it, but who does nothing. I'm pretty frustrated and think that I should give this relationship a rest for a while. Any thoughts?

[MissMillie]

1. Give her time to cool off

Then call her and say that you still want to be friends, but that she shouldn't ask you for any more advice regarding her health care.

[Nikia]

3. Yep

Do that. I also usually apologize even if it is just "I am sorry that what I said made you upset." Maybe this is overally generous, but unless you are becoming a door mat, it helps your friendship. She might be having emotional problems because of her health situation. Be patient with her even if you think that she is furthering her problems.

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. As a friend, you are called to both listen with compassion and empathy

and without advice giving; but as a friend, you also have the right and responsibility to offer your honest opinions on the relationship and/or on your friend's behavior.

That's one of the reasons we have friends - not just for companionship, but also hopefully to have someone who will slap us in the face occasionally - and someone for whom we care enough to slap them in the face, even if the cost is that slap is the end of the friendship because the other person can't accept it.

Maybe she didn't need to hear what you had to say. But sounds like you definitely needed to say it. Hopefully, she'll figure that out.

[zanana]

4. I think I'm a little like your friend.

When I have a problem, I want someone I can unload on, but I don't always want the person to solve the problem for me. Sometimes, I just want to complain, y'know?

[VelmaD]

5. I don't have any fabulous advice for you

Just one of these. :hug:

I very rarely fight with my oldest and bestest friend but when I do I feel awful. Take some time away from the situation to think and distance yourself and then call her and talk to her as honestly as you can about how you feel. That's the best I can do advice-wise.

Here, have another. :hug:

On edit: if you need anything, to vent, to talk, whatever, drop me a line.