OK, So I am done freakin out. Suppose you became a grandparent

[HereSince1628]

and after 3 months of asking you never received a picture that included your child, your child's spouse, and the new baby.

Would that be normal?

[HereSince1628]

1. Ehh? n/t

[ThePowerofWill]

2. I'd have to go see for myself.

But yeah it would freak me out, really bad actually.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

3. You've got pix but not pix with all 3 in the same shot?

[HereSince1628]

4. Da. Pic of tre na. What gives?

[TrogL]

5. If these people have organizational issues - yes

I doubt if I could produce a camera, 3 people (plus one to take the picture if camera doesn't have self-portrait mode), batteries, and a USB cable on demand. I've been trying to get my wedding pictures to my mother for a bout six months now.

[HereSince1628]

12. Interesting........

[Lil Missy]

6. Yeah, that would freak me out to, or specifically, really hurt my feelings.

[pitohui]

7. i would assume the child's spouse is no longer in the picture

and sadly it isn't that unusual, many people suddenly decide they are not ready to be parents when they hear the baby scream

if you child is still hoping to get back together or to resolve the problem maybe not ready to confide in you about the separation

but i think a separation at such a time is a pretty good clue that it ain't gonna work out

sorry but i assume you suspect this already

[HereSince1628]

10. Well not according to myspace...

[sueh]

52. Are there pictures of the three together on myspace?

If so, maybe you should print pictures from there. My oldest nephew posts great pictures of his family on a website. We all see pictures frequently and print the ones we want.

[pitohui]

54. ok honestly having read the whole thread now...i think your child has a problem

i don't know what the problem is, my first guess is what i said earlier, i don't believe your child's spouse is still in the picture or there is some doubt as to your child's spouse being in the picture

myspace or no myspace

it is not necessarily creepy that the child would take your money and still be ashamed to share a problem like that until it is absolutely certain the problem can't be solved

however, if for some reason you are not sure that the grand child is yours, or even exists, wow, that's really off the wall, and i think the way to find out is to stop sending money immediately until such time as you have been invited to see there is actually a child and a family but even then without DNA testing you wouldn't necessarily know for sure it was your grand child, i don't
really know what to tell you

that is so weird that you would even have to worry about something like that, i wonder, is the child or spouse bipolar or sociopathic or otherwise somehow prone to invent elaborate wild stories to get your money? that's the only times i've encountered these really extreme and elaborate ploys to get money that are just guaranteed to get found out

honestly, me, i would stop sending the money, since it isn't appreciated enough for the child to even humor you a little, sending a photo is a pretty small thing, not a lot to ask, considering what a boss at a job would ask someone to do for money, such as WORK!

[Ptah]

8. I would go there with a camera

and rectify that pronto.

[HereSince1628]

9. Yeah,,,,600 miles...but yeah I think I get that. n/t

[Ptah]

18. OK, maybe they are close to me or another DUer that could do the photos.

:shrug:

[noamnety]

11. I don't know that my folks ever got a photo like that.

I'm not big on having my photo taken. I especially hate the posed kind of photos. We've had many family fights about this. Maybe your child/child's spouse is like me, in which case, good luck ever getting a photo of them. :D

If they are like me, I can assure you, it's not about you.

A pretty good rule of thumb for getting along in families is to try not to control other people. Think about what you want, and whether your "wishing" for the photo makes you "entitled" to the photo. I still remember fights I had with my parents going back over 20 years ago with them insisting rather nastily that I hold still for a photo, and how that made me feel. It's ruined many an otherwise decent visit, becoming the one thing I remember about this trip or that, and it's caused me not to visit them at some points in my life because I just did not have it in me to deal with that bullshit test of wills one more time.

My best advice is to just let it go. You've made your wishes known, gracefully accept that you either will or won't get the photo. Who knows, maybe it's your Christmas gift. But if it isn't, that's okay too. Let it go.

[HereSince1628]

13. Well, all I want to see is evidence that 2 have become 3

and that they accept that.

You can call it controlling if you want. Me, I just want to have a sense that there is an integration going on.

Re Christmas gift: that isn't possible under prevailing religious beliefs.

[noamnety]

23. It's their lives, not yours.

If they are happily together, it's likely they would feel pretty insulted that telling you they are together isn't enough - you require "evidence." You're likely to seriously harm the relationship with them pulling something like this.

If the mom is suffering post-partum depression, she may not be up for plastering on a happy face for a photo. Whether it's that or problems between the two of them, if they WANT to share that with you, they will. Otherwise they have a right to sort that out in private, without your interference. They aren't obligated to share details of their relationship with you that they don't want to share.

Trust them to know their own needs, and please do not badger them, because it WILL become part of their impression of you. They will end up resenting and avoiding you.

I can only speak for my own attitudes, I realize that, but if you were my parent and you'd been going on about this for three months, it would be sticking with me for a long long time. For whatever reason, this is outside their comfort zone, and I think that's something you are going to have to just accept and respect, instead of trying to bully them into something they aren't comfortable with.

[HereSince1628]

25. Yes I'm fucked. Please delete this thread.

[truedelphi]

29. A baby is not necessarily integrating

The average couple has to work themselves to the bone to survive.
Now on top of it they have to feed and care for a helpless (Though enchanting) newborn who has disrupted Mom's hormones and everyone's sleep habits.

People handle this in their own way.
Flipping through the granddaughter's photo albums, I don't notice Mom Dad and baby in any single photo until about the time the baby was the age of four months.

[HereSince1628]

34. Interesting. Thanks.

[truedelphi]

57. May I add, that the sudden thing of being a granma into the mix

Is a bit scary. You have been a parent and in charge so to speak for a while now and this is new and different.

There is a bit of unexpected anxiety here. We want everything to be okay so badly - and it isn't in our hands any more.

Can I give you a hug :hug: As it does seem that I spent a bunch of weeks after my grandbaby was born worrying about a whole lot.

[GreenPartyVoter]

14. I confess. I am reallllllllly bad about getting pics to the GPs in a timely fashion

[HereSince1628]

16. 3 months, dozens of pics have come in,

Yet, none show an entire family.

I feel myself falling back into freaked out.

[GreenPartyVoter]

22. No way my family will ever get a pic of all of us. I DON'T do pictures.

:scared:

[HereSince1628]

24. Ok, you don't do pictures...

But you do understand that grandparents have concerns. Right?

Concerns that are raised when one person never is available on the phone, when one person never appears in pictures, when one person SHOULD be heard or in the picture but never is...

[GreenPartyVoter]

36. I think the phone issue is more important than the picture issue. I mean, my family

has pictures of me from better days to look at, but communication should be an ongoing thing.

[noamnety]

38. Your child won't talk to you on the phone? (nt)

[HereSince1628]

41. Only if I call, never about this issue, and it has been raised.

Point being thereby that this IS something about a problem but a problem that can't be named.

[TrogL]

28. Does the camera have a self-portrait mode and do they know how to use it?

One person has to take the picture. That same person cannot be in the picture.

[HereSince1628]

35. Yes, but then there are 3 sisters, 2 mothers, one father and 3 aunts

who have been reported as PRESENT. And who I have no doubt actually took pictures of said assembly.

[HereSince1628]

17. sorry for the dupe

[eyesroll]

15. Are you OK with a snapshot, or are they under the impression it needs to be a formal pic?

My SO, future stepdaughter and I have been meaning to have a formal "family portrait" done for eons, but we've never managed the time.

That said, as far as snapshots go--of the roughly 10000000 pictures of my stepdaughter, my SO is in approximately 5 of them. He's always the photographer, and the photographer is never in the pictures.

If you've made it clear just a snapshot with one of them holding the camera in front of the group is fine, then yeah, I'd be wondering...

[HereSince1628]

20. All I get are telephone camera shots. I'm not asking for

a formal camera shoot.

[no name no slogan]

19. I never had a pic of my parents and I together

They were married for four years after I was born, and as far as I know there are no pictures of the three of us together. Then again, my parents are/were never big picture-takers. Other than birthdays and Christmas, we never took pictures.

I wouldn't sweat it. Some people just don't take pictures.

[MonkeyFunk]

21. I doubt there's one of me with my parents either

I don't ever recall seeing one. Dad always operated the camera, Mom hated her picture taken.

[HereSince1628]

26. Well, I don't think it is wrong to ask for such a pic, And I did. Weeks now Months ago

Call me obsessive...

[MonkeyFunk]

27. No it's not wrong

but did you ask once and then let it drop? Or have you been insistent? A mother of a newborn might tend to let such requests go unnoticed.

What is it you doubt? That they're together as a family? If you have pictures of the baby with the dad, then you can presume the Mom took the pic, and if you have pictures of the baby with the Mom, that the Dad took the pic.

Have you seen the baby yourself? Maybe you should go visit.

[HereSince1628]

31. You're right. Maybe I should visit, without a welcome.

'cuz I am left with the distinct feeling that this is just like child support.

My money is welcome, I am not.

[riderinthestorm]

40. Hmm, I know how frazzled I was, I would NOT have wanted to "entertain" anyone!

while my kids were that young, there were some days it was almost impossible to get a shower and get dressed by dinner time. And to have company too?! Even if it were my mother (especially if it were my mother!) I know that there were a lot of times I must have appeared really badly ungrateful but I just wasn't in any kind of emotional position to even "do" the niceties. I mean, nothing was a crisis but I was just so, so tired.

I dunno, it's such a stressful time....

Are you concerned because you haven't ever heard or seen one person of the threesome? Or is it a case of baby and Mom pic, baby and Dad pic, none of the three together? Cause sometimes even organizing a group photo would have been too much for me during those months (post partum depression).

If you do go, stay in a hotel - at least the first day or so until/if they actually invite you to stay with them. If you are getting freaked out the only fix (for you) will be to go and assuage your freak-out but don't add any more stress to their situation....

[HereSince1628]

43. Well, it seems pretty simple to me. 3 months on I'd like to see

some evidence that the 2 have shown some ability to become 3.

I get telephoned pics of grandchild...the same ones that appear on myspace...

I never get any evidence that child's spouse is connected to grandchild.

I never get to talk to my child's spouse.

But, hey, what are my musings in the grand scheme of things? They DO cash the checks I send so clearly everything is GREAT, I shouldn't wonder about anything...

[riderinthestorm]

44. I hope you get some resolution soon....

:hug: I can only offer a hug at this stage. Perhaps you should offer to go visit - if it's got you that worried perhaps it's the only way you'll be able to get rid of that nagging feeling that something is wrong.

[HereSince1628]

46. Thanks

But based on the rest of this thread I am clearly an overcontrolling obsessive grandparent.

[noamnety]

47. I do not talk on the phone with my inlaws

My spouse does not talk on the phone with my parents. If we answer and it's the others' parents, sure we say hi, but if my folks call, I don't hand the phone over to the spouse for him to have a chat with them ... that would be weird. He can go easily a year without speaking to my folks at all, and we never thought of it as a problem.

If you are feeling passive aggressive or full of resentment about the checks, don't send them, I guess. It's a bit odd to send them, and then be bitter because they cashed them, and it's not cool to send it as a gift and then act like they are indebted to you because of it. Send it from the heart, or don't. But don't use it as an excuse to justify making demands on them.

It sounds like the relationship between you and them is already a little damaged, and you're at a decision point, start respecting their wishes, or make the relationship worse yet.

Do what's right.

[HereSince1628]

48. Yes thanks so much. That was extraordinarily useful.

You've solved it. Right there.

[skygazer]

50. I'm always amused when people post asking for advice or opinions

And then get irritated and snarky when it's not the advice or the opinion they wanted. Why bother asking then?

[noamnety]

32. "Maybe you should go visit."

only if she's been invited!

[noamnety]

30. It's not wrong to ask.

It's the demanding that's a problem, along with refusing to drop it.

I apologize in advance for moaning and groaning, but I really need to vent to someone.

Yesterday my husband and I had to attend my sisters new baby's baptisim. Most of my family members were there, my parents, sisters, brother in laws, cousins, aunts. My entire family knows how camera shy I am, have always been. My young cousin Marie asked me if she could take my picture, I said NO I do not like my picture taken. She insisted and said she could wait all day to get the photo. I asked her not to take a picture and she persisted in hounding me and following me around. Got many other family members involved and even went so far as to get people to try to hold me down for the picture. I warned them all to leave me alone and that I was getting angry. They still persisted, I got my coat and purse and told my husband we were leaving.

If someone offered you a cigarette and you said NO I do not like to smoke. Or someone handed you a beer and you refused the offer because you do not drink. Why is your refusal respected, but when you say you do not want your picture taken.???? What is it about weilding a camera that gives people the notion that they have a right to disrespect YOU and your choice to not have a picture taken.???????

http://www.imom.org/community/index.php?showtopic=1115

[HereSince1628]

33. Frankly, it seems not an issue of anyone choosing to avoid the camera

There were plenty of pictures from their wedding and honeymoon.

[noamnety]

37. It really doesn't matter what their reason is.

It's not something they have to justify to you. It appears to be outside of either their comfort zone, or outside their abilities to pull off at the moment.

If they share the reason with you, jump in and help solve it if they ask for help and you want to help.

But no marriage, especially one coping with what is a happy - but often VERY stressful time - needs the added grief of grandparents treating the new parents like children instead of adults, and generally they don't need whatever extra demands and stress any other family member decides to add to the equation right now. They don't need your drama, in other words.

They are likely sleep deprived, focused on themselves, dealing with changing self-images and redefining their roles, a thousand things. Let them handle it in peace.

My parents are great people - intelligent, funny, all that, but I am very happy my daughter was born overseas.

[Name removed]

39. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[skygazer]

42. It doesn't sound like whether that's "normal" or not is the issue

It sounds like you want this photo not as a cherished family memento but to prove to you that they actually are a family.

That's NOT normal. It's insulting and intrusive. Perhaps I missed something but I don't understand why they have to prove it to you beyond telling you about it.

And yes, I am a grandparent and I'm not sure if I have photos of the grandkids as babies with both their parents.

[HereSince1628]

45. It wasn't an issue until it became an issue. Ain't that always the way

it is?

It wouldn't be an issue except if it wasn't for the case that it is.

I'd like to see a picture of the three of them. I think that's normal, not insulting and intrusive.

But that's me and not you. You are entitled to be you.

[NashVegas]

49. Sounds Like You're Not Done Freaking Out

It also sounds like you and your child have some major issues that aren't being addressed.

Everyone I know, their parents (usually at least their mom) comes/came for a visit upon the birth of a child. You should consider doing that - it'd be one way to get the photo.

[Skittles]

51. f***ing inconsiderate

get over there and KICK SOME ASS

[Sanctified]

53. Relax, I don't think I have ever sent a picture to either of my parents

that had me, my spouse and all my children in them. In fact the only pictures we have like that are the ones that are A) professionally taken or B) taken by my parents when they come to visit.

Usually when we take pictures it's either my wife or I taking the picture so it's kind of hard to get the whole family in the picture. I remember my mom asking why we never sent pictures with the whole family in it and I told her she can fly out any time and take those pictures.

[snailly]

55. Give them a break

They are probably exhausted from taking care of a 3 month old baby. I didn't want my picture taken at that point. Ask them for a formal family portrait when the baby is one year.

[NNadir]

56. I'm with you here.

We had a hell of a time when my boy was born, with all sorts of complications in mother and child.

Grandma did very, very, very little to help, even in some pretty desperate times.

She wanted that picture though. For many years my wife and I felt that the whole relationship was about the picture.

[hedgehog]

58. Sounds about right considering the organization present in any

household with a 3 month old child, especially assuming both parents are working full time. This is what Photo SHop was invented for. :hug:

[LeftyMom]

59. I assume one parent is holding the baby and one's holding the camera?

It's difficult to sit for a professional portrait with a baby, so I wouldn't think anything of it at all.

They probably haven't even thought of it, I know when my son was that age, I was primarily concerned with when I'd get a full night's sleep. If you'd like one, suggest it and offer to pay, but let them know you're not in any hurry about it.

[pitohui]

60. she's already sent a check, phoned, politely asked, etc

the child's spouse if you read the entire thread (long, i know) appears not to actually be in the same places and same times as the child and baby at all

sounds like the grandparent has reason to believe one of the parents has vanished or one of the parents is not really the parent of the baby and hence not accepting it

maybe paranoia, maybe who knows, but it's a little odd

when confronted by phone, the child is making excuses for why the spouse is never there

so it's just weird, you know?

i think the grandparent should quit sending money, that might make the child wake up and be a little more forthcoming with what's going on if you ask me, once you send money you've given up any say over how it's spent, and with things this weird it doesn't sound like it's being spent on photography frankly

[Midlodemocrat]

61. I have to be honest. There are probably exactly 3 pictures that

exist of me with my family. I am usually the one taking the pics and there is no freaking way I am going to a professional for a pic.

My brother and his wife just had a new baby and their Christmas card is separate pics of everyone in the family.

Don't worry too much about it. It's probably just an oversight.

Merry Christmas!

[nonconformist]

62. My kids are 9 and 12 now, and I have VERY few pics of all of us

When they were babies, I don't think I had any. It just always seemed that either me or my husband were the ones behind the camera. It wasn't a conspiracy to piss of the grandparents, and we weren't trying to hide the fact that we're a family, it just sort of happened that way.

I actually regret not having more family pictures, especially from when they were babies. But what are you gonna do...

[China_cat]

63. I know how you feel.

I have at least one grandchild who is in his teens now and I've never received a picture of him. We even sent one of the bigger Olan Mills photography packages when he was born just to make sure we'd get a picture. They never used it. Got pissed with us because we wanted to send something for and about the baby instead of paying to get their car fixed.