okay loungers how would you handle this?

[Beer Snob-50]

my family has christmas dinner a week after the holidays (this year will be two weeks) anyway, my sister had a bit of a family problem for the last couple of years. her husband met someone on the internet, flew the girl (she was 18 he is in his 50's)up here to his house, got her pregnant, and let her live with him and my sister for the last couple fo years. my sister toyed wti the idea of divorce, but due to her very low self esteem decided not to. the girl moved out recently and my siste rand her "husband" are now raising the child. i talked with her yesterday and she said she hoped her husband and child would be welcome at the family christmas dinner.

my thought is that if she could forgive him who the fuck am i? my wife feels the same way. however my brother and his wife are quite the opposite. in their eyes we were equally insulted by what he did and he should be called out for it.

your thoughts?

[MonkeyFunk]

1. What's the issue?

Whether to invite them to dinner, or to "call him out"?

[Beer Snob-50]

2. my brother and sister in law want to call him out

my wife and i do not.

[Marrah_G]

3. Perhaps you could get together with them separately.

It makes little sense to invite them over so people can dump on them.

I do NOT agree with what your BIL did, but at least they have taken responsibility for the child created during this mess. I give him and her credit for this.

Get together separately. Tell your sister you love her and you are there for her. Buy the baby a cute outfit or something.

[Beer Snob-50]

4. i will talk to her ahead of time

i think this is a good idea.

[Rabrrrrrr]

5. Perhaps your brother and his wife might like to grow up and learn to differentiate themselves

from others.

But it depends on who hosts the dinner - if it's you, invite whoever you want. If it's at your brother's house, he gets to decide.

It's too bad your brother is so immature as to think that something done to his sister is somehow an insult to him.

[underpants]

6. If she invites him fine but I would be "cool" towards him

to say the least.

[baldguy]

7. Christmas is a season of giving.

And its not the kids' fault.

[dembotoz]

8. Dont take it out on the kid

does the sister have a place to go to escape.
Are options available to her?

[Beer Snob-50]

14. she has had options available

my step-mother offered her a place, my aunt offered her a place. but she stuck it out.

[ThomCat]

9. In a family situation, the loudest, most obnoxious people

almost always get their way.

I'd meet with your sister separately for the holiday. I'm sure she'd love to know that she's worth some individual attention. And if the husband and child are there, that's okay too.

[raccoon]

10. This one's a keeper!

"In a family situation, the loudest, most obnoxious people
almost always get their way."

I might add, the bitchiest.

It's certainly been true in my family.

[ThomCat]

17. Thank you.

It's unforunately true in far too many families. :(

[Beer Snob-50]

15. fyi, my sister in law

is probably the loudest most obnoxious individual around. my wife cringes at the thought of her coming to our house.

[ThomCat]

16. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I've stopped dealing with my family for exactly that reason. I'm far enough away that it's easier to just avoid them than to deal with them. But I know most people don't have that option.

[Connonym]

11. It's not the child's fault by any means

The husband is a class A asshole and I can understand having a hard time being civil to him but if your sister has accepted this child to raise as her own then I think the child is now family and should be treated thusly. If she truly loves this child then I hope she will make sure there is a legal adoption so that there is no chance of the child being taken away from her or used by her husband as a pawn. I think the only thing that could possibly make this situation more awful is if she loves that child and ends up having it taken away from her.

[Fleshdancer]

12. that's a tough situation

You've obviously taken the high road by respecting your sister's decisions which is probably the best way to handle it. On the other hand, I completely understand where your brother is coming from too. If someone humiliated and hurt someone I cared about, I would want to confront that person too...although not at Christmas dinner.

I guess if I were in your situation, I would tell my brother and his wife that there's a time and place to call this guy out for his actions, and Christmas dinner simply isn't it. If they can't do it some other time, then they need to pull him aside at the very end of the dinner so that they won't ruin everyone else's time. Under NO circumstances should they be allowed to do this in front of the child.

[flvegan]

13. The fact remains: they ARE family.

The inter-familial problems are between the sister and brother in law. The kid probably doesn't need to be in the middle of a squabble. Calling him out is likely just going to cause bigger problems for the sister and kid. If they're working it out, then let them work it out. If she needs you, be there.

The one thing about family is that you don't get to choose them short of whom you individually choose to marry.