A friend is extricating herself from an abusive relationship. Any advice?

[Plaid Adder]

I just heard the story from my friend and I am just stunned because the partner (they're both women) never struck me as someone who would become abusive...but she has! My friend has put some distance between herself and the abusive partner, and I have no doubt that she will eventually cut the cord but of course she is still very conflicted, having spent so much time loving this person before the whole abuse thing started. Anyone have any words of wisdom about how to help a friend deal with this?

Still boggling,

The Plaid Adder

[Coventina]

1. Counseling

I never really "got over" my abusive ex until I had a year of talk therapy.
Even though my friends and family saved my life, it took talking it over with a "stranger" to help me see things in a more rational perspective.

It really helps, or at least, it really helped me.

[onebigbadwulf]

2. Tell her to date a computer nerd

and then she can do the abusing.

[izzie]

3. Just leave. Hard but best.

sorry

[catzies]

4. Is your friend in any imminent physical danger?

I hope not. If she is, I'd recommend a shelter. If she isn't but wants to/has to get away, she should go to a friends' house.

I've been in that situation and I'd also recommend your friend to get counseling to learn more about herself and why she's accepted this relationship and how not to do it again in the future.

Hugs to you both, dear. :hug:

[Plaid Adder]

8. No, as I said, they're no longer in the same city, state, etc.

Physically and geographically they're already pretty well separated. It's just the emotional aftermath I'm thinking about.

I mean I suppose there's not a whole lot you can do, really, I'm just really rattled by the whole story. I've never had someone close to me go through that (to my knowledge, anyhow). And I mean really, why do people do this to each other? I ask you. I just do not get it.

Ah well,

The Plaid Adder

[redqueen]

10. It's the gift that keeps on giving

When you grow up in a family where domestic violence is even an infrequent occurrence, the idea of letting your primitive nature take over when you've become overly angry and frustrated is lodged in the back of your mind like a time bomb.

After you grow up and get into a relationship, you will find that you're more likely to either accept abuse from another, or to be the abuser. Some even say that we who grow up that way seek those people out who will fit with what we've learned is 'normal' even if we recognize on a conscious level that it's really abnormal.

The human mind is really very fascinating.

[mouse7]

5. If alcohol was involved... Al-Anon

It's a great organization for those who have had to deal with the side effects of alcoholism.

[displacedtexan]

6. So sad!

My only advice: Professional help, even if it's just a crisis hot line. And make sure your friend isn't vulnerable to future attacks.

Your friend is really lucky to have you on her side!

[redqueen]

7. Let her know it's okay to still love them

But that her love for herself has to come first. She has to take care of herself, and that means staying away from the one she loves. It will be hard, but make sure she has phone numbers (cell if possible) of a handful of people to be available for her to call when the urge to reach out to her partner strikes -- because it will. And if she is able to talk to them, they will just suck her back in, or try very hard to, which won't help her recovery at all.

There could still be reason for her to be hopeful. If her partner showed an interest in getting help, in working on the problem. But without their recognition of the problem and self-motivated willingness to change, it has to be over. She can still love her, but only from afar.

Good luck... I'll be praying for both of them.

[Bertha Venation]

9. BE there.

Be PRESENT.

* Invite her to your house & let her choose a room & be alone.

* Invite her for videos -- funny movies.

* Invite her for an overnighter B&B style -- meaning no socialization if that's what she wants.

* Invite her for dinner at your home.

* If she wants to talk, listen. If she needs to cry, hold the kleenex box. If she needs to be held, hold her.

Just be a warm body nearby. This means a lot to the desperately hurting.

[Niquie]

11. If she goes back to her, AND SHE JUST MIGHT,

...put a lot of distance between you and these people. Our families provide us with enough crazy situations, we don't need our friends to do the same.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

12. This could be REALLY tough...

I helped a friend through this very thing -- unfortunately she went back several times, and only finally ended it when her boyfriend had kidnapped her, fractured her head in three places, and left her for dead in the mountains.

This can be a hard role for you -- being supportive without being enabling.

Things for your friend to consider are:

Any need for a restraining order,
Counseling, counseling, and then counseling,
Reading material on domestic violence and the promises made by batterers to get their victims back and the threats made (I'm going to kill you/your family) to keep them,
Seeing the batterer ONLY in the company of another person -- time alone with a batterer will allow them to do the sweet-talk that is the hallmark of such a relationship (beat, promise it'll never happen again, cajole parter back, and start all over again)

Good luck to you and your friend --

Hell

[WildClarySage]

13. I work in a DV shelter... hope this helps

Have your friend call the local domestic violence shelter. There are usually many services offered, such as education and counseling, beyond shelter. Most shelter workers now are trained to deal with the needs of victims of abuse in same-sex relationships. If she needs shelter or material assistance, they can help with that as well. Most shelters do not charge for any services including counseling.

Be there for her, and reassure her that the violence is not her fault. She may have a lack of non-judgemental people in her life already, and the abuse may have alienated her further from social supports. Let her know that she isn't alone- many women (1 in 4), hetero- or homosexual have experienced this type of violence and there are resources available to help her get out.

And, if she decides not to get out, be supportive of that decision as well. It's very easy for us to look from the outside and say "oh, she just needs to leave" but it has to be her decision. The abuser has been taking her power and control away for a long time and she may have 'forgotten' how to make her own decisions. One way to empower her (and make her stronger in the process) is to support her decisions, even when you don't agree with them. However, don't accept her staying because the abuser decided she should stay. If, after counseling, education, etc. she wants to stay, then it's her decision. If she decides because it's easier than leaving, or safer, then it probably isn't her own decision. Don't pressure her to leave- leaving is a long process. Sometimes it looks to others like she's not doing anything about getting out, but she's gathering her strength and developing her resources (internal and external) and while it may be frustrating to wait, don't voice those frustrations. Empower her to leave at her own pace.

Encourage her to develop a safety plan. Figure out what she would need to take with her if she has to leave quickly- keys, social security card, change of clothes, etc. and have those things packed and in a secure place. If she doesn't have them packed and ready, she should still leave if it becomes unsafe. They can be replaced... she can't. Other important measures for safety- carry cell phone so can dial 911 if necessary... avoid alcohol or other drugs... develop code words with friends so that friends will know to call 911 if she isn't safe to ask that... find out which neighbors can be of help if there is a violent incident... eat healthy foods and get enough sleep to keep physical strength up... have an escape route planned in case of an incident... keep an eye on her purse at all times- in case she needs to leave quickly, having to locate her handbag can waste precious time.

If you (or she) have any other concerns or questions, I'd be happy to help- send a private message if you would like. And best wishes to you both for safety and security.

[WildClarySage]

14. Sorry

just realized you had stated that she has already left. So lots of that isn't relevant to her case.

Bertha had some great suggestions for being supportive.