"You don't have friend making skills"

[nadine_mn]

This is what my therapist said last week. Now she wasn't saying it to be mean...it was a reflection on the fact that as an only child, from an abusive family, who moved around a lot - I never really made friends. My mother doesn't have any neither does my dad. I have acquaintances - but never really had best friends (my BF from college died way too young from cancer).

Anyway, we were talking about my support system and I said well my husband is my best friend (which he is and I am so lucky for that). But all through life I have been pretty much a loner...never really felt like I was missing much - I have never felt "alone' or "lonely". But just hearing those words from my therapist just made me so sad and it has lingered all week.

So my new year's resolution is going to at least try to improve on my friend making skills....weeeeee!

:party:

[DarkTirade]

1. You're not the only one.

There are plenty of non-people person people like us out there. :)

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. I'll be your friend

but there's a hefty fee involved.

Kidding. :toast:

[nadine_mn]

5. can the fee be paid in beer?

:beer:

[Fire Walk With Me]

6. You should have caught me six years ago...

Sigh... (On da wagon...)

[nadine_mn]

12. good for you... what about coffee??

[Fire Walk With Me]

17. Eeeeeee.... Hows about we don't need beverages to be friends?

:hug:

[nadine_mn]

18. damnit....I really dont have friend making skills

lol...sorry ok

friends w/ out beverages

[Fire Walk With Me]

19. All you have left is to kick me in the 'nads.

:cry:

:rofl:

You're doin' fine..

[DS1]

3. I'm with ya

:pals:

and good luck with the new year!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear nadine_nm...

I suspect that you might benefit from a new therapist...

I really don't approve of that sort of statement from such a person...

It has obviously undercut you quite a lot, and that is counterproductive...

Unless you just love her, and feel comfortable with her otherwise...

Therapists should not make you sad...

I've been in therapy, and that was never something that I experienced...:shrug:

:hug:

[nadine_mn]

11. this was one of the "truth hurts" things

she clearly wasn't saying it in a snarky way - one of the reasons I was there was to find out how to improve my relationships w/ co-workers and to deal with the fact I have gotten fired yet again. I am intelligent, dedicated, and a great adovcate but can't figure out what I keep doing wrong. My wonderfully biased husband says previous employers have been jealous (there have been weird and toxic firings) and I am really struggling w/ moving on. My last boss became verbally abusive and physically inimidating (lunging at me, slamming fist on his desk).
The job before I was recruited from department to another and my last week w/ the old department my boss fired me and no reason was given - just the at-will crap. Finally the job before that, I was fired because...and I can't make this up...my boss heard from an employee who heard from another employee who heard from a former employees that I breached confidentiality regarding the death (which was in the paper) of a resident at a shelter. I actually started laughing because it was so absurd and I had been there for over 3yrs then realized they were serious. So as I begin another job search I need to figure out how to improve myself.

But I understand what you mean about therapy shouldn't hurt - it hit me harder than I expected, and I will bring it up this week.

[qwertyMike]

21. I agree Peggy n/t

[Marrah_G]

7. I don't either

I'm pretty shy and private

[judaspriestess]

8. its hard to make friends well at least true lasting friends

I have lived in Vegas for about 13 and a half years. I have one decent friend, nothing special we don't hang out or anything (she is completely devoted to her family). Everyone else has been total flakes and I'm sure I've been flakes to others also.

good luck on your new years resolution!!! :)

[Lex]

9. If you don't feel lonely or alone, then give yourself a break!

Don't put pressure on yourself to "fix" something that ain't broken for you.

That should be your New Year's Resolution, imho. :)

[Wapsie B]

10. You too?

I know how you feel. But I also agree with Peggy. :pals:

[LibDemAlways]

13. I have had my share of "friends" who turned out to be

anything but. These days I don't make friends easily because I am wary of people in general and because so many of the people I meet are interested in only one thing - themselves. I don't think it has anything to do with "friend making skills." If you have a great best friend in your husband, consider yourself blessed. And don't let the therapist get you down. You sound like the kind of person people would be lucky to have as a friend.

[femmocrat]

42. You said it very well...

I'm pretty much the same way. I am very reluctant to open up to people. I'm friendly and all, but I always turn the conversation around to them, which is what they seem to want to hear anyhow. I can probably count on one hand when someone actually asked, "How are you?" and then waited for an answer.

I am very blessed to have a wonderful family, though. :hi:

[LibDemAlways]

47. I have a great family, too, and the older I get the more

I appreciate them. You are so right about people wanting to talk only about themselves. I know plenty of intimate details about acquaintances who know virtually nothing about me because they never ask. That's ok though. I figure it's their loss.

:hi:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

14. I'm kind of the same way.

[alarimer]

15. I don't have them either I guess

I don't mind being alone generally. Except that I am really ALONE all the damn time. I heard a story on This American Life about an old woman who died alone. The county had to look for someone to bury her. They finally found some cousins or something who never met her but agreed to take care of everything. It was so sad. I thought, that's me. No family, no friends who would even notice if I died. Or it will be me in 30 years.

It's just that I hate people. I don't want to be around them much. It's very taxing to me. I also am very socially inept. I never know how to read people. I miss all the important clues.

But I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't really have time to date right now. I am finishing a MS degree this semester so it wouldn't be fair to any potential new relationship but when I am through (and also when I leave this town- which is a dating nightmare for many reasons) I will be trying harder to meet people. For all things, not just dating.

I joined Drinking Liberally here. Someone started a chapter. But I missed the last meeting because I was traveling but I hope to make the next one.

You might check to see if there is one near you. You don't actually have to drink. They are just politically like-minded people who meet in a bar generally.

[Lisa]

16. You must have SOME "friend-making skills" -- you did meet your husband!

Sorry to hear you're feeling kind of sad. I actually heard something similar from someone last month ... not a therapist, but a former college roommate. And I've been a bit down about it too. It was a bit odd actually, because it came out of the blue -- and it was actually in response to a letter I'd sent her (we haven't lived in the same city since the early 90s but we do write back and forth). I'd mentioned that I'd met some nice people through work, and an election campaign I'm volunteering with -- and that I recently had a date with a pretty cool guy. And then my ex-roomie floors me with her comment. I don't think she was jealous, because she's more beautiful than I am, has a great job, and never has any problems getting dates! So it's a bit of a mystery.

I'm an only child too. Neither of my parents were that gregarious, so I guess I'm also kind of a loner. But while I'm not the life of the party, and I don't have zillions of friends -- the ones I have I tend to keep. We swap letters, phone calls, and e-mails regularly. If I'm stressed or lonely, I've always got someone to talk to. I'm still single -- maybe that's what she was referring to -- but the guys I do tend to hang out with are really good pals and we've helped each other through some tough times.

There are plenty of people out there who throw around the term "friend" (whoever invented MySpace, I'm looking in your direction!), and aren't serious about it. I respect your honesty in pointing out that you have acquaintances, which is not the same thing. Also I would bet that your therapist doesn't know you as well as she thinks she does. Perhaps she forgot that you did become close with somebody ... and the fact that your friend has since died, doesn't negate that. There is a big difference between people who have a few friends, and those who have no friends at all.

I would not be surprised if you do have more friends than you suspect.

p.s. good luck with the job stuff. There are a lot of nasty situations out there with office politics, and I think your husband has made some important points. (Just because he's in your corner doesn't mean he's making stuff up!) If they would fire you on hearsay, without a proper investigation ... that pegs my danger-meter. I served a couple of stints as departmental ombudsperson, way back, and I've seen this kind of stuff happen. It may have been that they wanted to get rid of you on a pretext, because they were afraid that you would blow the whistle based on what you'd seen (or might see). In which case ... they didn't deserve to have you working for them anyway.

[qwertyMike]

20. I was in the same sorta situation

Mother died when I was 16 - blah blah blah
Had trouble with relationships (Whatever the hell they are)

Now I get out, meet PEOPLE, coffee shops library (just joined a Book club there)

Your interests may vary.

But PEOPLE are the answer

Mike

[qwertyMike]

22. "You don't have friend making skills"

NO therapist in the world would/should say that to you.

sorry

Hugs
Mike

[nadine_mn]

23. well at least she didnt call me a freeper

looking back it sounds harsh but really she was being reflective. I have had some whack therapists in the past - I think she was just blunt and it was refreshing (like ice water).

I feel like there is so much pressure to have friends - esp for women - looking at shows like Friends, Sex and the City, etc popular books focus on "sisterhood", - why don't I have friends? I know tv is not real and thats not what one should base life style on, but it made me wonder for a long time should I want close friends that I have drinks and gossip with?

Because I never felt like I was missing out - my hubby is a loner like me so we seriously enjoy our company all the time. Then I start to wonder if I put too much pressure on him to be partner, lover, and best friend....

See the problem is I overthink...

But people have made comments that I can be intimidating...not sure if its because I am overweight (really...not a size 10 who wishes she was a six.... but my size and my age are pretty frickin close), if its because I have no filter, or if I am bossy whatever

so that I want to change...I want people (esp employers) to like me or for god's sake not to be afraid of me....

[tigereye]

39. better wording would have been "let's work on social/interactional skills"

therapists often have to say things no one wants to hear. Some are more diplomatic than others.

[alphafemale]

24. Actually, I'd be willing to bet you "Read People" really damn good.

I grew up under somewhat similar circumstances.

"Reading People" is a survival skill you probably honed well.

Trust can be problem issue. Part of building friendships involves opening yourself up and revealing personal info. It can be hard to open up and reveal your inner self to other people when revealing weakness was something that was used against you in the past. And it was used against you by those you should have been able to trust.

You never had a "safe place" as a child.

I bet it's really hard for you to let down your guard.

If you are able to share and have a best friend relationship with your husband that shows you are capable of being a friend. You have the skills. You are just VERY choosy about who you choose to be your friend.

[nadine_mn]

29. wow - that's pretty accurate

but now I am always second guessing myself...I am trying to trust people more and I end up getting burned...makes me want to crawl in a hole w/th my pets, hubby and chocolate

[alphafemale]

57. Yeah, trust can be leap of faith.

Sometimes you'll soar. Sometimes you'll fall flat on your face.

Just don't give up on people. There's some real gems out there.

[leeroysphitz]

25. I don't know you and I don't know your therapist BUT...

Making friends in various social environments IS a set of learned behaviors or quantifiable SKILLS.

If your therapist has offered a "professional" opinion saying that she thinks you may need to spend some of your focus and energy on better developing some or all of these skill sets then that maybe food for thought. Not necessarily gospel but something to consider.

And why not, as I said I don't know either of you, but this IS her field of expertise and I bet it wasn't her intent to make you sad so what have you got to lose?

JMSO. :)

[applegrove]

26. That is the right attitude. I'm not someone who gets along with everyone - though

I try. I've made some great friends over the years by listening to my heart and sharing that feeling with others.

[no name no slogan]

27. friends are old and busted. Enemies are the new hotness

:P

[nadine_mn]

28. I even flaked out of the MN DU meetup

oh noes - hope I don't have enemies...

can Minnesota nice even have enemies??

[no name no slogan]

33. Yeah, we all said mean stuff about you too

Not to worry, a lot of people missed it. I nearly wimped out myself because of the driving conditions/exhaustion so I wouldn't worry about it. :D

[BlueIris]

30. Maybe you should use your friend making skills to get a new therapist?

Wow. What an asshole.

[dpbrown]

31. I haven't seen you at a Minnesota DU get-together yet, have I?

Come on aboard!!!

:toast:

[blondie58]

32. aw, nadine- of course you always have a friend

besides your husband, of course- YOU!!! You have to be your own best friend at all times, and you can always do what you want, when you want, and so on and so on...

Friends are great to have, but in all honesty, most of us have superficial friends or acquaintances and not true deep friends. And face it, women especially can be really backstabbing and mean- luckily my friends don't run that way.

And it does get tougher to make friends after you get older, but the best way is to get involved! Go take a class, go to a geeks that drink pub quiz, volunteer! Whatever!

I tell you what, you probably have a ton of friends here, you just don't know it. I will be your friend, I don't think you can ever have too many.

And you've got a good sense of humor, your "friends without beverages" line, just about made me spit MY beverage out!

Dawn

[skygazer]

34. I think your therapist is whacked

There is nothing necessarily dysfunctional or unhealthy about being a loner. You have a husband who you love and consider a best friend, you have acquaintances and you have never felt alone or lonely or like you were missing anything. I see nothing wrong with any of that. Not all of us are social butterflies - I'm certainly not and a lot of others aren't either.

I think your New Years Resolution should be to get a new therapist.

[Boojatta]

35. "my husband is my best friend"

You are supposed to have a trophy husband who looks like a movie star and has lots of money. This "best friendship" stuff is totally unacceptable! You need friends, and only quantity counts. You need more of them. One husband won't solve the problem. Read Dale Carnegie. Go out there and tell people that they're right even when you think there's a good chance that they're wrong. Okay, you don't have to tell them that they're right, but don't hint that there might be anything wrong. When their mistakes cause trouble for them, you'll be prepared to offer comforting words to them.

:sarcasm:

[Ivan Sputnik]

36. One thing I've learned

Making friends is more about giving than getting. You have to BE a friend to make a friend -- and even then, you have to accept that some people won't be interested. But some will.

[carly denise pt deux]

37. well, a therapist told me

that I was not the social butterfly type, probably never will be, and that is o.k., as long as I am happy, productive, healthy, that some personalities are just that way, and we are not alone, there are alot of people who are just not the party entourage type... and btw, I am an only child..we learned to enjoy our own company and entertain ourselves from youth.
Carly

[nadine_mn]

45. I do believe that being an only child makes you more comfortable w/ yourself

I entertain myself all the time (hmmmm that could sound like a different type of self -love) but really I crack myself and the best part is I always laugh at my jokes.

Given a choice I would rather stay home w/ a book then go out w/ others. Your therapist gave you some great advice thanks for passing that along.

:hug:

[crim son]

38. Call me crazy, but just this one post of yours

is so honest and poignant that I wanna be your friend right now! But all joking aside, go ahead and work on those skills but don't let the therapist's words color your whole existence. Some of us are not easily able to bond with others and while it may be unusual, it isn't the worst handicap in the world, especially if you don't feel lonely. I've thought many times that the reason I don't collect friends is because I have little in common with most of the people I run across in my narrow little world. Oh well.

A Happy New Year to you, nadine_mn! :toast:

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

40. To get friends, you've got to be a friend

I don't think there's any arcane skill or artifice that wins you true friends. The secret to friends isn't found in some fancy slogan that a therapist invents to appear to earn their $150 an hour fee while you sit on a couch in their office. It just requires giving of yourself to others. And in more than 99% of the cases, those others towards whom you act friendly won't remain your true friends and will leave you high and dry. True friends who stick with you through thick or thin through the course of life are very, very rare in my opinion.

[femmocrat]

43. People always say that, but I'm not sure it's true.

Some people are just self-centered "takers" who don't give anything in return. Finding a "true" friend is as you say, very, very rare. I don't think I have ever really found one although I have certainly tried to be one.

[Blue_Tires]

41. i confess i haven't had many either

[SPKrazy]

44. I don't either nadine mn

not only that, I find that there aren't a lot of people that I really want to be friends with.

I'd like to have that resolution too. I will have to ponder it because I have little in common with many people that are in my zone of potential friends.

So I have to break out of my zone, and look for places to meet people I might relate to better.

Good luck with yours...

:hi:

:pals:

[nadine_mn]

46. true that its hard to find people you want to be friends with

it reminds me of the Groucho Marx quote "I don't care to belong to a club that would have me as a member" - does that apply to friends as well?? I would have to find someone else with a sick twisted humor who likes to be a homebody like me.

Its hard to meet people I think - on another thread someone mention meet-up.com and I think its a great place for me to start. I met my husband at a grocery store so who knows were my future friends are....

good luck with you and btw I love your posts and look forward to reading yours

:headbang:

[Fox Mulder]

48. I am the same way too.

I just don't care to make friends where I work right now.

Hopefully if/when I move in a few weeks I'll have lots of friends.

[Flying Dream Blues]

49. nadine...I'm sorry you had to hear that! As a therapist, I can't

think why she would say something like that, or especially that way, which seems really unkind. As someone else said, your being more of a loner is not a concern unless YOU are unhappy. Some people are just naturally more introverted. However, according to the Myers-Briggs personality typing, introverted types are in the minority and therefore there is a bias towards being more outgoing and social in our society. (And extroverts are also just more likely to TELL you about it if they think something's "wrong" with you! :))

You sound like a really nice and well-grounded person, and as someone else also said, if your husband is your best friend you obviously have good relationship skills. I would encourage you to bring this remark and how it hurt you up in your next session. Therapists are not perfect, and I would hope she would welcome the chance to make this right with you, and possibly deepen your therapeutic relationship by your mutual honesty. If she doesn't handle this well (you feel she is defensive or you feel worse for bringing it up) then maybe you should think about whether or not to continue with her.

Good luck and happy New Year to you, Nadine!

:hug:

[dembotoz]

50. greeting fellow loner

I used to think of myself as shy-now I realize it is more true to say reclusive.
Didn't really bother me much until I wanted to date someone.
Realized that I was missing entire sets of social skills most 8 year olds have.

Sometimes I burn bridges while I am still standing on them.

I also have been working on becoming more social-damn hard to learn in your mid 50s.

Take care of yourself, try baby steps.
I am just trying to be more of a friend to others and perhaps they may become a friend to me.
so far so good.

good luck

[nadine_mn]

55. loners get such a bad rep

always portrayed as the ones that go postal...
Pfft I think the ones that lose their mind are the ones w/ the jacked up MySpace pages

[rbnyc]

51. The thing about friends is...

...you really only need a few good ones. And the sooner you learn to cut off the crazy-makers and the vampires the better. It's okay to be concerned about your self and your own needs. It's not selfish. It's smart. And it makes for better friendships in the long run.

I only say this because I'd hate to see you add energy-suckers to your life because you think you need to be better at friend-making.

But, best of luck. It's great to want to build your confidence and be more outgoing. I'm sure you can do it.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

52. And then you didn't come to the MN DUers' gathering?

:pout:

:-)

[nadine_mn]

54. I wanted to but had a shitty day and didn't want to have my first meeting

be of that very angry woman. x( I had a 2hour long unemployment hearing (frickin asshole employer who threatened me with physical violence fought the granting of my unemployment). I had to listen to them go off on how toxic I am - even though there were no complaints about me in 3 1/2 years until I reported my boss's behavior.


grumble grumble - I was crying and cussing all day. So I figured I would wait until I was in a happier mood to make friends

:toast: however I look forward to the next one....

[Lydia Leftcoast]

56. Okay, see you then!

:hi:

[mainegreen]

53. Gee, how many friends is healthy? Sounds like your therapist needs validation.

I think you should prescribe him something.

:P