25 Rules to be a Republican:

[davsand]

Rules for being a Republican

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4. You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

5. You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

7. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

8. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9. You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10. You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

11. You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

12. You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

13. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14. You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

15. You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

16. You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

17. You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but creationism should be taught in schools.

18. You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

19. You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

20. You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

21. You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

22. You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

23. You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

24. You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".

25. You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

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These are by Enid Goldstein of KNRC radio. You can look her up at this
address:

http://www.knrcradio.com/hostsgoldstein.asp

I got this email and just about cried...


Laura

[frogbison]

1. Don't cry...

Read this reply, point for point, from a friend of mine who got a similar email:

1. You must believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
Actually, I believe it's a virus - not a curse from God - spread through blood transfusions, IV drug abusers and exchanging body fluids (and it can happen between straight or gay people).

2. You must believe the same teacher who cannot teach 4th graders to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
Fourth graders should be able to read already. Cody is learning in 1st grade. Anyway, unqualified teachers should get the boot. I'm pretty sure it's a priority among Democrats to increase funding for education. That's kind of hard to do when the Republican billionaires keep reducing taxes for their wealthy friends all the while wasting the surplus we gained under President Clinton.

3. You must believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.
Nuclear weapons are a threat, period. No one wins a nuclear war. I suppose we must have our guns but don't you think the world would be a better place without guns, bombs, war...

4. You must believe there was no art before Federal funding.
Well of course there was!

5. You must believe global temperatures are less affected by cyclical,
documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies
driving SUVs.
Sounds like something the wealthy oil profiting billionaire Republicans (ahem, G. Bush) would want us to believe.

6. You must believe gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
Anyone who has ever bothered to read up on science in the last decade or two might know that homosexual behavior is practiced far and wide in the animal kingdom. It's natural for some, but not all. Furthermore, Republicans should keep their noses out of everyone's bedrooms!

7. You must be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
On the other hand to be a conservative you must be for capital punishment but against abortion. It's as broad as it is long. Capital punishment is reserved solely for the poor, minorities, the mentally ill, etc. In short, you'll never see a wealthy person put to death in this country.

8. You must believe businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
The current government (Bush & Friends) don't know much about creating prosperity. It's a special form of memory loss if we forget how good things were during the preceding administration - and how quickly things got really bad under the current one.

9. You must believe hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
Not all activists are loony, but some probably are. That's true of hunters too: the ones who shoot at anything that moves. No, I know hunters do things to support nature, but probably not enough since most of them are conservatives lead by the nose by the NRA.

10. You must believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
Must be why Pres. Clinton instituted welfare reform. Actually a lot of liberals think he might have went too far with that. Imagine that.

11. You must believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars where military personnel, not corrupt politicians, die.
I believe corrup politicians (mostly Republicans, specifically G. Bush) start wars to settle scores that end up killing hundreds of our military personnel as well as thousands of innocent civilians. And in the process, wasting billions and creating debt...

12. You must believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution.
I believe some conservatives are bad because they tend to forget about the Bill of Rights. Uh, I mean G. Bush again.

13. You must believe taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
I believe taxes are too low for millionaires. I avoid ATMs if at all possible.

14. You must believe Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E.
Lee, or Thomas Edison.
Nonsense. They're all important because they are a part of our history.

15. You must believe standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and
set-asides aren't.
Hadn't given it much thought. It's not one of those things that affects me on a day to day basis.

16. You must believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
You better ask Hillary about that one.

17. You must believe the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's
been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
I don't believe that.

18. You must believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a
liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
We have a liar in the White House right now. And he does belong in jail. This reference to B. Clinton - I don't think anything he did categorizes him as a sex offender. Conservatives are too busy minding other people's personal business to have sex anyway.

19. You must believe homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and
bestiality should be institutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
Religion should be a private thing and no one should be subjected to someone else's beliefs. And what does bestiality have to do with homosexuality anyway?

20. You must believe illegal political party funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
Huh? Haven't heard about that one. Probably something the conservatives thought up to hide the fact that G. Bush is a lying idiot who bought the White House.

From frogbison: If you ask me, these folks have too much time on their hands, to compile such lists. Maybe they are unemployed, as a result of GW's economic policies? Anyway, props to my literate friend!