Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

A: The sack

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.

[TrogL]

1. Hey, you try waving that stick for three hours

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. Every conductor should have to sit in the orchestra

while a clone of himself conducts. :D

[lizziegrace]

28. I agree!

I've worked with some awful conductors. The downbeat is somewhere between 3 and 9 o'clock but you never know where and it changes...

;)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

30. When this guy conducts in cut time, one is up and two is down...

but only sometimes. :crazy:

[bridgit]

2. Heh! Love you!!

:hi: :hug: :thumbsup:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. I'm inspired tonight...

by a conductor with hair-raising lack of ability.

We have stunning soloists. It's embarrassing to accompany them as we are being led to do. :(

[bridgit]

8. We mostly just sit in the seats at performances, or rehearsals, but GOG!!

I've gotten to where I can tell, certainly what seems to me; the ones that have a clue or don't x(

[fortyfeetunder]

21. Concert weekend, eh?

Good luck and I will have to print these for my fun this weekend....

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. It went remarkably well...

Little thanks to the conductor...And most of the credit goes to the soloists.

Do you have a concert this weekend too?

[DarkTirade]

3. What do you do if a musician can't hold a tune?

Give him a couple of sticks and make him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can't manage that?

Take one away and make him a conductor.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. It's funny because it's true!

...At least, many times it's true. :hi:

[DarkTirade]

7. Actually I think I may have heard that joke from a conductor...

:P

[GoddessOfGuinness]

9. You probably heard it from one who could actually conduct!

:D

[DarkTirade]

10. And who had a sense of humor.

Not a combination easily found in conductors.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. They're few and far between, that's for sure.

:toast:

[pokerfan]

11. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call someone who follows musicians around? The drummer.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. HAha!

Funny thing is, for the gig I'm playing this weekend, I'd feel more comfortable following the percussion players than following the conductor!

[pokerfan]

18. And I kid of course

It's just that they are so fun to tease.

Gotta love Krupa...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHr4XQ9SEcg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9J5Zt2Obko

Q: "Hey friend, how late does the band play?"
A: "About a half a beat behind the drummer."

[Cabcere]

17. LOL!

That's a good one - I've only ever heard the punchline as "The knocking speeds up," which isn't nearly as funny as yours. :hi:

[DarkTirade]

14. What's the best tool to use to make a 7 piece viola section play in unison?

A six-shooter.

[Cabcere]

16. Ahahaha!

My band director used to tell a variation of that joke, regarding piccolos (we didn't have an orchestra). :hi:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

31. LOL...

:rofl:

[Cabcere]

15. Ah, I've had practices like that.

:hug: Although usually in my case it was instrumentalists screwing things up rather than the conductor.

Hooray for musician jokes, though...here are a couple of my favorites. :)

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, to hold the lightbulb to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around him.
(Or, alternatively):
A: Ten. One to actually change the lightbulb, and the other nine to brag about how much better THEY could've done it.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - the keyboard player can do that with his left hand.

From high school band class:
Q: How do you tune two piccolo players?
A: Shoot one.

Q: If two trombone players* are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police officer.
(*May be substituted by trouble-making musician of choice - in our class, it was almost always low brass or drummers.)

And probably my favorite musician joke of all time (and one that I find most appropriate, as the older sister of a drummer :P):

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
A: One will eventually mature and make money.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

32. Those are classics...

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can remember them.

[Oeditpus Rex]

19. So what makes a *good* conductor?

I've had many fantasies about conducting. I'd really like to know.

[Rabrrrrrr]

24. An ability to give up electrons easily

[krispos42]

25. *groan*

:rofl:

[Rabrrrrrr]

26. I had to do it. I just HAD to do it!

:evilgrin:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

33. For starters...

Clarity and consistency with regard to the direction of the baton and tempi

The ability to convey desired phrasing without appearing to suffer from St Vidas' Dance (even though many audiences find this entertaining, it drives musicians bonkers)

Knowledge of the score...where players enter, an understanding of the harmonic structure of the composition

A clear and confident sense of how to interpret the composition...the kinds of sounds desired throughout the piece, a precise feel for tempi and dynamics

The ability to follow a soloist and respect their interpretation, offering helpful suggestions as necessary

The willingness to back off from conducting, to allow individual artists the opportunity for self-expression without micro-management (This of course requires an element of trust in one's orchestra)



Conducting is really a complex skill. Are you near Berkeley? You can watch a good conductor in action there tomorrow...The Berkeley Symphony conducted by Hugh Wolff: http://www.berkeleysymphony.org/programs/season.htm#_i72
This man knows how to conduct an orchestra. :hi:

[MilesColtrane]

20. Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: With a bull, the horns are in the front, and the asshole's in the back.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

34. One of my faves!

:thumbsup:

[msu2ba]

22. What does it mean if a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

35. ...

:spray:

[madinmaryland]

23. Do I sense you are having issues with your Conductor?

BTW, can I assume you play violin?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

36. Fortunately, not a conductor I work with regularly...

I would do my best to avoid that unhappy scenario!

Yes, I'm a violinist. :nopity:

Happily, it is unlikely that I will run into this conductor again. It was interesting, though...our sense of comraderie was especially keen this evening. Suffering under a nitwit with a baton can do that sometimes.

[ZombieNixon]

27. One provides important nutrients to help plants grow...

and the other's a bag of shit.

:hide: :P

[GoddessOfGuinness]

37. I think I like your answer better!

:rofl:

[ironflange]

38. whats the difference between babies and choir directors

babies like to suck their fingers

nyuk nyuk

i saw a cartoon once
long ago
that pictured a man in tails standing on a podium looking at a stand
upon which there was only a sheet of paper that read

wave your arms until the music stops
then turn around and bow