More fun with wing-nut e-mails

[Touchdown]

I got this piece of crap yesterday. I just couldn't let it pass...

How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


Conservative Answer:
BANG!


Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Here's my version...

You didn't finish it

Conservative Answer:
BANG!
...
He shoots the man in the leg, walks around, sizes him up, realizes that the man with the knife is 7 inches shorter that him. Feeling bigger, but not completely safe without sufficient bullying numbers, he calls his 3 friends on the cellphone, and they drive all their separate SUVs, during rush hour to the shooting site, and get out and begin to make up stories about how all of them (half unemployed) have to work their butts off and welfare queens like this guy on the ground will destroy America. They call him "traitor" "Faggot" "Welfare queen" and "Bush Hater", as they shove the pistol's barrel into his right eye socket.

They look him over and decide he's a terrorist, since his skin is brown...one of them says "Yer either wit us, or agin us!". The man with the knife lays there in terror at all the "proud American patriots" doing their duty to rid this country of filthy scum. Then one bumps into the gun holder, causing it to fire through the brain of the brown man, and kills him. The man who shot his leg says, "That's what that China-man gets when he tries to get me to pay for a bill I rightfully dined and dashed on!"

The next day, when the police are interrogating them, all of them blamed Bill Clinton's penis on it, and they were innocent. They all got public defenders...after they said all lawyers are blood sucking scum should be killed because trials hurt businesses, like the one that they patriotically dined and dashed on.