Have some Madeira, m'dear

[trof]

She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was nice,
She was fair, she was sweet seventeen.
He was old, he was vile, and no stranger to vice,
He was base, he was bad, he was mean.

He had slyly inveigled her up to his flat,
To view his collection of stamps.
And he said as he hastened to put out the cat,
The wine, his cigar and the lamps:

"Have some Madeira, m'dear,
You really have nothing to fear.
I'm not trying to tempt you, that wouldn't be right,
You shouldn't drink spirits at this time of night."

"Have some Madeira, m'dear,
It's a-very much nicer than beer.
I don't care for sherry, one cannot drink stout,
And port is a wine I can well do without,
It's simply a case of 'chacun à son goût',
Have some Madeira, m'dear!"

Unaware of the wiles of the snake in the grass,
Of the fate of the maiden who topes.
She lowered her standards by raising her glass,
Her courage, her eyes, and his hopes.

She sipped it, she drank it, she drained it, she did,
He quietly refilled it again.
And he said as he secretly carved one more notch,
On the butt of his gold-handled cane:

"Have some Madeira, m'dear,
I've got a small cask of it here.
And once it's been opened, you know it won't keep,
Do finish it up, it will help you to sleep."

"Have some Madeira, m'dear,
It's a-really an excellent year.
Now, if it were gin, you'd be wrong to say 'yes',
The evil gin does would be hard to assess,
(Besides, it's inclined to affect me prowess),
Have some Madeira, m'dear!"

Then there flashed through her mind what her mother had said,
With her antepenultimate breath:
"Oh my child, should you look on the wine that is red,
Be prepared for a fate worse than death!"

She let go her glass with a shrill little cry,
Swann: (Ow)
Flanders: Crash! Tinkle! It fell to the floor.
When he asked, "What in heaven?", she made no reply,
Up her mind, and a dash for the door.

"Have some Madeira, m'dear...",
Rang out down the street, loud and clear.
A tremulous cry that was filled with despair,
As she paused to take breath in the cool midnight air.

"Have some Madeira, m'dear...",
The words seemed to ring in her ear.

Until the next morning, she woke up in bed,
With a smile on her lips, and an ache in her head...

And a beard in her earhole that tickled and said:
"Have some Madeira, m'dear! Ha ha ha..."

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. Flanders and Swann!

[trof]

9. Bingo!

[Ellen Forradalom]

11. Hey, I grew up to the dulcet tones of Messrs Flanders and Swann.

My parents were great fans.

[tigereye]

2. I can't even remember the last time I heard anyone talk about Madeira...

[SeattleGirl]

3. Seems I saw Tony Randall reciting that on TV one time.

Maybe I'm recalling the wrong person, but I do remember seeing someone reciting it. I remember cracking up as I listened to it.

[SPQR]

5. I saw that too...

it was on the Tonight Show years ago. I remember it being funny and odd.

[CBHagman]

12. No, no, I watched the same program!

I can't recall which show it was -- probably some variety hour or other; remember those? -- but it was definitely Tony Randall. In fact, that's the only reason I know "Have Some Madeira, m'Dear."

[Lydia Leftcoast]

4. The Reluctant Cannibal--very timely

Flanders: A song which we call, "The Reluctant Cannibal":

Seated one day at the tom-tom,
I heard a welcome shout from the kitchen:
"COME AND GEEEEEEEEEEET IT!"
Roast leg of insurance salesman!

A chorus of "yum"s ran round the table:
(Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum...)
Except for Junior, who pushed away his shell,
Got up from his log, and said:

Swann: "I don't want any part of it!"

Flanders: What? Why not?

Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: Hey?
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: Huh?
Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: I must be going deaf!
Swann: Eating people is wrong.
Flanders: It's wrong?

Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: Have you gone clean out of your mind?
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: What's the matter with the lad?
Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both: Eating people is bad.

Flanders: But people have always eaten people,
What else is there to eat?
If the Juju had meant us not to eat people,
He wouldn't have made us of meat!

Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: Oh no, not again.
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: All the day long.
Both: Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both: Eating people is wrong.

Flanders: Well... I... I never heard a more ridiculous idea in all my born days. To think that a son of mine should grow up to be a sissy - me, chief assistant to the assistant chief! I suppose you realise, son, if this was to get around, we might never get self-Government.
Swann: I won't eat people!
Flanders: Have you been talking to one of your mothers again? You're not getting to be one of these cranks who think that eating people is cruel, are you? Seeing the man sitting in the pot and you think he's suffering. Oh, it's not like that at all. Why, he's just had an invigourating chase through the forest, sitting there in the nice warm water with all the carrots and dumplings and things, he's thinking, "Oh, the pleasure and happiness I'm going to give to a heap of people". That man in the pot there, he enjoys it!
Swann: Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Look son, son, I admire your sincerity. Always be sincere... whether you mean it or not. But you're young, you're young, when you're young you think you can change the whole world overnight, even eating people - I know, I've been young myself. Take it from your old Dad, you've just got to learnt to take the world as it is.
Swann: I won't let another man pass my lips!
Flanders: I know why you say "Don't eat people", because you are a coward, Francis, that's your trouble. Yes, a yellow-livered coward. You wouldn't mind eating people if you weren't afraid of ending up in the pot yourself - how despicable! If you go on like this you're liable to get ME into hot water.

Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: That's enough!
Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: I don't want to...
Swann: Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Communist!

Flanders: Going around saying "Don't eat people",
That's the way to make people hate'ya.
We always have eaten people, always will eat people,
You can't change human nature.

Flanders: Now let's try...
Swann: I won't eat people,
I don't eat people,
I won't eat people,
I don't eat people!
Flanders: Must have been someone he ate!
Swann: Eating people is out!

Flanders: I give up, I give up, you used to be a regular anthrophagi. If this crazy idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, I just dunno where we would all be. Just about ruin our entire internal economy. Fortunately, I suppose it's catching on isn't really very likely - why, you might just as well going around saying "Don't fight people", for example...

Swann: Don't fight people? Ha, ha! Don't fight people?! Ha ha ha!
Flanders: There, imagine? There, you see! All part of the same...
Both: (laughing) ... fantastical impossibility!
Flanders: That's the boy!

[elleng]

6. The Limelighters!

!!!

[quip]

7. Yes! I remember my dad listening to this by them when I was 5 or 6

Need to find that and hear it again for the first time in over 40 years!

[elleng]

8. Found references,

but didn't find it on utube.

Here are some other limelighters songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Bj01b8tNNs&feature=related

[grasswire]

10. They were often called the "Slightly Fabulous Limeliters."

Note the spelling. You might get more you-tube hits using Limeliters.

Here's a link to the web site, although the members are not the originals, of course. Lou Gottlieb, Glenn Yarbrough and Alex Hassilev.

http://www.limeliters.com/