EVIDENCE OF WMD IN SHIRE

[AndyTiedye]

EVIDENCE OF WMD IN SHIRE (Mordor Mail) - Mordor spies have uncovered
evidence of a Weapon of Mass Destruction. In an interview yesterday,
The Voice of Sauron said "We now have incontrovertible proof that the
hobbits possess this weapon. Our spies have performed a detailed
analysis of the intelligence and have found consistent references to
'Shire' and 'Baggins'."

When asked to comment on suggestions that the weapon was manufactured
in Mordor, The Voice said "Mistakes may have been made in the past,
but that does not release us from our obligation to deal with the very
real threat which faces us today."
-----

WEAPON INSPECTORS MOVE IN (Isengard Informer) - Officials are seeking
confirmation from Mordor that nine weapon inspectors have been sent to
The Shire to investigate the claims that the hobbits have the WMD. "We
know it is there" said a senior government official, "we can sort of
smell it."

The nine Weapon inspectors are expected to cross the River Isen
shortly before midsummer's eve. No-one in The Shire was available for
comment.
-----

NO WMDs FOUND (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials were last night
unrepentant about their decision to send weapon inspectors into The
Shire. "Just because we didn't find anything, doesn't mean that it
isn't there."

Officials now believe that the Weapon may have been moved into
neighbouring territory and have issued a stern statement to other
races not to interfere with the hunt for terrorists.

In a separate incident, officials have also released a recent picture
of Gandalf The Grey. Tall and bearded, the wizard has been associated
with the hobbits and is considered to be assisting them. "This man
must be caught" said an official.
-----

LEADERS IDENTIFY AXIS OF EVIL (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron
issued a stern statement, seen as provocative by many. In it, he
described Dwarves, Elves and Men as an 'Axis of Evil'. Intelligence
sources believe that the three races could be harbouring a group of
terrorists known as 'The Fellowship' and again issued a stern warning
for them not to interfere.

"You're either with us or against us" said The Voice. "There is no
middle ground.".

Asked to comment on the statement, Lord Elrond replied "il-lasta.
Suuro henulka."

Mordor officials have now appealed for anyone who can translate Quenya
Elvish to contact them.
-----

ISENGARD TO JOIN COALITION (Insengard Informer) - Saruman yesterday
confirmed what many have suspected - that Isengard will be joining
Sauron in the war of the ring. "Isengard has always had a 'special
relationship' with Mordor and it is right that we stand shoulder to
shoulder with Sauron at this difficult time" said Saruman in a
statement yesterday.

Saruman also confirmed that armed forces would be prepared for battle.
Though exact numbers and the nature of the battle itself were a
closely guarded secret, an insider confirmed that they are to be armed
and ready in two weeks.
-----

WEAPON INSPECTORS WITHDRAWN (Mordor Mail) - Weapon inspectors have
been pulled out of Northern Middle Earth. Officials have been
frustrated by the lack of co-operation and have instructed them to
return to Mordor. Sauron is now considering his next strategy.

Reports of an incident on Weathertop which suggest that all nine
inspectors were repelled by one man with a flaming brand have been
denied. "We hear lots of stories like this and we think it's best to
wait for the facts to emerge rather than pay lip-service to local
gossip." said an un-named official.

Locals have said that, following the attack at Weathertop, several of
the riders were seen floating down the River Bruinnen after being
un-horsed by a single female Elf. Officials have refused to comment.
-----

WE GOT HIM (Isengard Chronicle) - Scenes of jubilation at Isengard as
reports of the capture of the bearded wizard are confirmed. "We knew
it was only a matter of time" said Grishnakh, a senior orc. What
surprised many was the nature of the capture.

It seems that after many months in the wilderness, the bearded wizard
simply gave himself up and entered Isengard willingly. He is being
held at an undisclosed location believed by many to be on the top of
Isengard itself. Early reports suggest that the wizard is refusing to
co-operate.
-----

INCURSIONS CONDEMNED BY ENTS (Isengard Chronicle) - The leader of the
Ents yesterday condemned recent incursions into Fangorn. Suggesting
that the attacks may have come from Isengard, Treebeard has called on
Saruman to condemn them and issue assurances that they will stop.

Saruman confirmed that the attacks had taken place but refused to
condemn them saying that the orcs had a right to defend themselves. He
added that there were many documented incidents which show the trees
in Fangorn to be hostile.
-----

WIZARD ON THE LOOSE (Isengard Chronicle) - Embarrassed officials
yesterday admitted that reports which heralded the capture of the
bearded wizard, may have been premature. Early reports indicate that
eagles assisted in a daring escape. There are suspicions that Gandalf
may be hiding in the hills around Caradhras, though some reports
suggest he is being protected by the Elves.
-----

INSURGENCY CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The Voice of Sauron has
called on the Elves to make a statement regarding allegations that a
small number of insurgents were seen crossing the southern border into
the vale of Moria.

The Elves released a statement following the incident but there is
still no-one in Mordor who can understand what they said.

The Voice repeated his assertion that he believed the Elves to be part
of an ?Axis of Evil? and called on the Elves to renounce violence in
all its forms or face the consequences.
-----

SHOCK AND AWE (Isengard Chronicle) - Saruman of Isengard was called to
make a statement to Mordor yesterday following the failure of the
planned "Shock and Awe" tactics. Expecting a quick end to the war,
Isengard unleashed a Balrog of Morgoth into the mines of Moria, where
the insurgents were believed to be holding out.

Unfortunately, the intense and dramatic display of power failed to
have the desired effect and the insurgents appear to have escaped
across a bridge which was later broken, preventing any pursuit.

Intelligence officials have stated that they believe the bearded
wizard was killed in the attack but this has yet to be confirmed.
-----

REGIME CHANGE LIKELY (Mordor Mail) - Frustrated by a lack of
co-operation, The Voice of Sauron made his clearest indication yet
that 'Regime Change' was a likely course of action in the battle to
bring democracy to Gondor.

"The people of Gondor are living under a dictatorship. They have no
free will and no democratically elected leader."

Asked to comment on the apparent disparity between this view, and the
fact that Sauron didn't actually win an election, The Voice replied
"The people of Mordor have sworn an oath of allegiance to the Eye. All
orcs understand the current situation and support the governments
attempts to preserve democracy in all the lands of Middle Earth."
-----

THE HUNT CONTINUES (Isengard Chronicle) - The whereabouts of the nine
insurgents continues to mystify the Isengard government. Following the
failure of the recent Shock and Awe tactic, nothing has been seen of
any of the remaining eight rebels. Reports from within Moria suggest
that the bearded wizard Gandalf may still be alive, though officials
believe also that recent sightings could be a look-alike.
-----

PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AN OPTION (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron
yesterday refused to rule out the option of 'pre-emptive strike' to
bring neighbouring regions under the cover of 'democracy'. Recent
skirmishes on the borders of Mordor have led to increased tension in
the area. "All options are being considered" said a spokesman.
-----

SUPPORT FOR WILDMEN JUSTIFIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman came out
on the offensive following criticism of his support for the wildmen.
"The horseman took their land and drove them into the hills to scratch
a living off rocks" he was quoted as saying yesterday. Asked if he
thought his strategy to 'burn every village' was likely to win hearts
and minds, he said "History will be my judge."

In a separate incident, Saruman refused to comment on a leaked
transcript of messages between Isengard and Mordor. Saruman insisted
that in the first message (The old world will burn in the fires of
industry. The forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will
drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron
fist of the Orc), his comments were taken out of context.

When asked to comment on the second message - "Rohan, my lord, is
ready to fall". Saruman repeated "History will be my judge."
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CLEAR LINKS BETWEEN GONDOR AND ROHAN (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of
Sauron confirmed that Rohan is a legitimate target for military
action. "There are clear links between Gondor and Rohan" said a
spokesman. "Our leader has made clear the penalty for co-operation
with a known enemy".
-----

ROHAN EXPELS ISENGARD DIPLOMAT (Isengard Informer) - War moved closer
last night with news that Grima son of Galmod, the Isengard ambassador
to Rohan was unceremoniously expelled from the capital of Edoras.
"They flung me down the stairs" said a battered Grima. Saruman added
"This proves the hostility and unpleasantness of these people and
destroys any hope for peace."
-----

PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE ONLY OPTION (Isengard Informer) - Saruman confirmed
last night that 10,000 orcs have been despatched to Rohan in a
pre-emptive strike. So far they have met little resistance, however,
this is expected to change as they approach the outskirts of Helm?s
Deep.
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ROHAN LINKED TO WIZARD. WAR INEVITABLE (Mordor Mail) - Last night,
intelligence reports confirmed that definite links exist between Rohan
and the rebel wizard Gandalf. Although there is no empirical proof,
Gandalf has been known to be riding a horse provided by the Rohan
regime. The Voice of Sauron described the findings as ?significant?
and warned of severe consequences if they are found to be true.

No comment was made regarding the search for the weapon of mass
destruction.
-----

WAR DECLARED. HELM'S DEEP FIRST (Isengard Informer) - Ten thousand orc
troops are expected to descend on Helm?s Deep before nightfall today.
With only three hundred poorly trained Rohan soldiers to defend it,
the war is not expected to last long. Saruman said this morning "I
believe with every fibre of instinct and conviction I have, that the
decision to go to war is the right one."
-----

HELM'S DEEP MASSACRE DENIED (Isengard Informer) - Saruman continued to
deny claims of a massacre at Helm?s Deep insisting that only a small
number of casualties were reported. "The troops withdrew in the face
of unexpected strong opposition from the Rohirrim" said a spokesman.
There were some casualties but they were fewer than those suffered by
the Rohan regime.

Saruman dismissed the withdrawal as a minor setback and added that the
decision had been taken because Helm?s Deep was now considered
?strategically unimportant?.
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ISENGARD ATTACK CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Leaders across Mordor
condemned a cowardly attack on Isengard. The incident left much of the
surrounding area under water, and killed an unknown number of orcs.
Two of the remaining hobbit insurgents were believed to have
masterminded the attack. It is understood that planes were used in the
offensive - along with beeches, oaks, chestnuts and ashes.
-----

WMD IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - The Voice of Sauron last night called on
Denethor, steward of Gondor, to "come clean" about the weapon of mass
destruction. Intelligence reports confirm that the weapon is hidden in
Gondor. Saruman of Isengard also confirmed suspicions adding "Are we
to believe that he doesn?t have the weapon? That he would allow one of
the other insurgents to carry it. I say that such a claim is palpably
absurd."

The Voice of Sauron went on to clarify that the decision to go to war
is a clear one. "We have provided the right diplomatic way through
this, which is to lay down a clear ultimatum to Denethor: cooperate or
face disarmament by force. All the way through we have tried to
provide a diplomatic solution." The Voice went on later to say "should
Denethor choose confrontation, the orcs of Mordor can know that every
measure has been taken to avoid war."
-----

WAR IN GONDOR (Mordor Mail) - War broke out in the early hours of this
morning. Orc troops quickly took the city of Osgiliath after limited
resistance. Military strategists are pausing to re-group. They are
expected to move on to the capital city of Minas Tirith before dawn.
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SUICIDE WARRIORS CONDEMNED (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials called on
leaders across Middle Earth to condemn a suicide charge by a regiment
of Gondor soldiers - promising that the perpetrators would be found
and brought to justice. Using warriors in this ways signals a
disturbing change of tactics by the Gondorians. "There can be no
justification for this evil" said a spokesman.
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DISBELIEF AS GONDOR RAISES DEAD (Mordor Mail) - Coalition leaders were
united in their condemnation regarding the use of undead spirits to
attack Mordor warriors. "What depths will these people stoop to? This
is clearly in breach of the Mirkwood Accord" said an unnamed orc.
Officials dismissed the incident saying that only a small number of
insurgents remained. They also repeated their determination to stay
until the job is done. "Do not stop the attack until the city is
taken" an orc commander is quoted as saying.
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GONDOR TACTICS AGAIN UNDER FIRE (Mordor Mail) - The death of the
military commander of the Gondor assault was confirmed last night.
Although significant, this is not considered a major setback. The
Voice of Sauron described how The Witch King of Angmar was apparently
slaughtered by a woman. A hobbit insurgent is also believed to have
been involved in the attack. "It is unthinkable that these people now
use women in their brutal offensives - at least we never thought they
would think of it" said a source.
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SARUMAN ANNOUNCES WMD INQUIRY (Isengard Informer) - Saruman the
?Whiter than White? finally bowed to overwhelming public calls for an
inquiry into the decision to go to war. Maintaining that he still
considered the war to be ?morally justified?, he acknowledged the need
for an inquiry.

He added: "I think we've done the right thing, not just because Rohan
was a dangerous place under Theoden but also because the rest of the
world needs to know that this issue will be tackled with firmness."

The inquiry will be far reaching and look into all aspects of the
decision to go to war. Saruman the White confirmed that the inquiry
would be handled by an independent review body, led by Grima son of
Galmod.
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WMD READY IN 45 MINUTES (Mordor Mail) - Mordor officials confirmed
yesterday that Aragorn, along with a small number of insurgents had
gathered at the gates of Mordor. Terror alert status in Mordor was
raised to "Code Orange" in anticipation of an attack.

Officials rejected advice of intelligence officials and refused to
raise the alert level to "Code Red". While confirming some
intelligence reports that the WMD may actually be inside Mordor
itself, the dismissed the reports as erroneous. "We are confident that
Aragorn still has the WMD" said the official in charge of the search.

Although he called for patience, he predicted that doubters were in
for a "surprise" by the time his work was done.
-----

TERROR ATTACK ON MORDOR (Isengard Informer) - Reports are flooding in
of a terror attack in Mordor - believed to be the first attack on
Mordor soil for several hundred years. Saruman The White issued the
following statement. "There have been the most terrible, shocking
events taking place in Mordor within the last hour or so. I'm afraid
we can only imagine the terror and the carnage there, and the many,
many innocent orcs that will have lost their lives. I know that you
would want to join with me in sending the deepest condolences to
Sauron and to the Orcs on behalf of Isengard. It is understood that
shortly after the attack, the tower of Barad Dur along with the twin
towers of Narchost and Carchost collapsed.

- Bruno Krondstadt

[TennesseeWalker]

1. Brilliant. n/t