How can I tell if my friend is a repressed homosexual

[JewelDigger]

I've known this person for nearly 6 years, and I've thought this (in the back of my mind) for almost the whole time. I really don't know very much about the subject (or world) of homosexuality, nor have I really cared one way or the other - I just sort of have a 'live and let live attitude' about it all.

However, lately I've been wondering about this guy more and more. There are so many 'little things' that he does... The fact that he can have 'deeper' conversations with his male friends than he can with me (I am BY FAR his closest female friend as he doesn't have many female friends - he actually has a general disdain for women). And, no, we're not in any sort of 'love' relationship - just friends.

I just think he might be 'respressed', but since I really don't know what I'm talking about here, I wonder if someone can help 'enlighten' me a lil bit. Thanks in advance for any answers/illumination.

[DarkPhenyx]

1. Way too many men...

...confrimed straight men, have a general disdain for women. You can't use that as a clue.

[pw]

3. I was just thinking that

It sounds like he could be a perfectly stereotypical straight guy. (A lot of people I know used to assume that I was gay precisely because I got along so well with women...)

[MuseRider]

2. I am kind of

wondering why it matters? I cetainly don't think you are being concerned for any nefarious reasons but really, why does it matter?

[bif]

4. If you really want to know

Why not ask him?

[pw]

6. If he's repressed

He may not say, or he may not even know. Plenty of gay men take quite a while to recognize the fact.

On the other other hand, his disdain for women could be macho posturing just to reassure himself...

[JewelDigger]

10. Well, if he's 'repressed', he doesn't admit to himself even

right?

I'm not sure why I want to know...it's just been in the back of my mind for six years and I thought I could 'toss it out there a lil bit'...aimless curiousity, I dunno.

As far as other 'clues'....

A) he's always overly concerned about not being 'faggy' .... as in 'I'm not gonna do THAT, that's for fags' (and whatever it is has got NOTHING to do w/being gay or not).

B) Waaaaaay overly neat/tidy - won't use his oven cause he doesn't want to get it 'dirty'; didn't use his fireplace for 25 YEARS for the same reason

C) Extremely vain about his appearance; always impeccably dressed

Please don't flame me b/c I know this sounds like stereotypical crap now that I'm readin it myself. But it has just all been on my mind.

[TrogL]

5. there's no such thing as gaydar

Be that as it may, some of the gay people I hang around with deal really well with women, so that's no indicator.

Until someone fesses up and/or you catch him in flagrante there's no telling.

But give us some more hints.

[pw]

8. Of course there's gaydar

It just gives a lot of false positives or false negative.

[JewelDigger]

11. What does 'gaydar' mean?

[donco6]

19. Gaydar is "radar" that some gay men profess . . .

. . . to possess which allows them to tell if someone else is gay.

It's a valuable skill, since most men don't wear signs announcing their orientation.

[donco6]

20. I BELIEVE in Gaydar!

Ha! Not in the metaphysical sense, but in the fact that most gay men have had to attune themselves to watch for clues other people miss.

[Not a robought]

7. Men have deeper conversations

with other men who they can identify with as being able to. That's not an indication of sexual preference.

[private_ryan]

9. I'm no Dr Phil but if

has a general disdain for women he is probably not gay.

[SoCalDem]

12. My male gay friends would RATHER hang out with us women

:)

[private_ryan]

17. I see it everyday

work with many gay guys. They love women. None of them (thank god) tries that voice changing thing and they're really cool.

Not uptight like some people get and they give and take as far as jokes and stereotypes go. I think they have accepted and are happy with being who they are.

[donco6]

21. I know a lot of gays who do, but I'm . . .

. . . not that way. I prefer male friends. I've never been the stereotypical gay male who has a lot of "fag hag" friends (sorry about the term, but that's what they're called).

So, I don't think that alone can be an indicator.

[tuck]

13. stereotypes aside....

as they fly fast 'n' thick 'round here...

it's prolly not a good idea to bring this up with him. if he is, it'll just make him self conscious and push it further down and make it harder for him to admit it.

and if he's not, he might start doin' the scared of bein' a homie/homophobe thing -- which is never pretty....

[JewelDigger]

16. No, I DEFINITELY won't bring it up with him

Guess I will just let this 'sleeping dog lie' (or is it lye, or lay, or ???)

Anywayz, from what I'm reading here, sounds like he probably isn't.
(*whispering* and now I'm sort of ashamed that I brought it up in the first place).

[geniph]

14. Unless he's likely to either flirt with you or bash you

what do you care? It's only your business if you're likely to have sex with him, or he's likely to beat you up because of your orientation.

[Demobrat]

15. I hope he's not.

It must be so hard to feel ashamed of and try to repress your natural urges, I can't even imagine.

[JackSwift]

18. Ask him

"Look Bob, I'm a bit drunk and a lot horny. You gonna take advantage of me, or are you gay?"

[noiretextatique]

22. no comment

perhaps, like Ms. Magazine, we should start a "no comment" section here at DU :eyes:

[JewelDigger]

23. LOLOLOL

...but I would STILL be wondering if he's thinking, "I'm drunk and a lot horny myself, so if I can't be with the one I love - I'll just love the one I'm with!" ;-)

[Xithras]

24. You really can't tell

Speaking as a bisexual, I really don't think you can accurately tell whether or not someone is gay by the way they act. As someone else already posted, Gaydar is a myth. I have met (and hit on) men who I would have SWORN were gay, but turned out to be straight as an arrow. On the flipside, I've been shocked more than once after men have hit on me who I wouldn't suspected of being gay in a million years.

I'm not sure why you want to know, but the best way to figure out where his beliefs lie are to TALK to him about homosexuality. Don't just ask "Are you gay?", talk to him about his opinions on homosexuality and find out where his opinions lie on it (make sure he understands that you're not judgemental). If he has any gay in him at all, it'll come out during the conversation.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. I'm more interested in why you want to know

If he is repressed, this can mean a hostility towards women since when men aren't quite sure why they are jealous of women (as when ANYONE isn't sure why they are jealous of anyone) it may surface as hostility.

If you are trying to get him to see it, I would suggest that you not, simply because uncovering a repressed desire in a person can open a hornet's nest that you are not prepared to deal with.

Continue to be his friend if you appreciate his company and let it be. If there are BIG issues coming up, steer him towards a counselor if that is feasible.

[resist]

26. Why on earth?

Would you care or want to know? Who people sleep with is their own business and its incredibly bad manners to discuss.

[newsguyatl]

27. there

are tons of signs to pick up on, but one sure way...

for starters though, DON'T come out and ask him like some here have suggested... even if he IS gay, from what you've said he has major problems with it himself and is probably not ok with it yet, so asking him will just make things very uncomfortable for him and he might very well resent you for asking/insinuating... in other words, he might take it as "gosh she must think i LOOK faggy and ACT faggy. fuck her for asking." so stay away from that, if he is, he'll come around eventually...

but a good start is to watch him closely when you two are out, at dinner, at a club, at a house party, whatever... notice where his eyes follow, that's the number one way... stay away from all these stereotypes -- truth is, folks are so varied today that you can't just peg qualities on someone and assume he/she is gay...

but like i said, watch him public... follow his eyes... if he's gay, he WILL be checking out the guys, no matter how discreet he tries to be... you'll see it...

but from what i've read that you written so far, he just sounds like a really uptight straight guy with major resentment towards women maybe... who knows though... :shrug:

[Heddi]

28. so what?

the only 'little thing' your friend could do that would be the only indicator that he's gay would be to start seeing a man.

The way he talks, walks, dresses--the music he listens to, the types of movies he watches, the conversations he has---these are ABSOLUTLEY, in NO WAY any indicator if anyone is gay or not.

I can tell you this from knowing MANY People who did not fit 'straight' stereotypes that were quite straight, and people who did not fit "gay" stereotypes that were quite gay.

I'm not sure why this is a concern to you---if he is, so what. Maybe he has his own issues regarding his sexuality. If he wants to bring it up to you, he will. Perhaps he's reading YOUR reading of his 'little things' and feels judged by you, or that he COULD be judged by you.

Unless he's hurting himself or others, then just let him be who he is. So he doesn't like girls---so what? I know far many more straight men than gay men that are mysogonistic or hateful of the female species.

Don't sweat it.

edited to clarifiy a point

[thermodynamic]

29. Most of the gay men I've observed

have more female friends than male friends.

You haven't said much to go on :-( but from what I can tell, I think he's a hetero.

[TXlib]

30. Etiquette of being come out to

http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/intro.html