My son brought Jennifer Lopez to the company picnic

[SoCalDem]

Granted..a "different" Jennifer Lopez :evilgrin:.. but she's actually cuter than THE JL..

Here's the problem... THIS is the son who's engaged.. His Dad & I were like Regan in the Exorcist when we saw that Maria was NOT the girl with him..

Apparently he met this girl in Vegas when he hosted my other son's bachelor party..

He says they are "just friends",,but we all know what happens next :eyes:

My husband says he has told him that Jennifer is completely different from Maria, and he's not "dating" her, but he also told me that "of course Maria does not know"..

Now I am both angry at him for "slinking around", but concerned that if he wants O U T , he needs to bite the bullet and end the other relationship..

They have been a couple for 4 years and engaged for 2..

I have always made it a practice to stay out of the boy's "girl issues" unless they asked, but I am torn about this one..:(

[greatauntoftriplets]

1. If I were Maria, I would go ballistic once I found out...

...and you know she will. Sorry, but I have no advice to give you, just that your son is playing with fire.

[SoCalDem]

2. I did tell him that she WILL finid out

and his comment was.. Who's going to tell her?? I said...YOU???

so now he's mad at me :(

[roughsatori]

11. Good, tell him HE must tell Maria the truth

My best friend was married and started a very hidden romance with another woman. When he finially told his wife, she asked him who else knew, and he told her that I knew. They stated together but she has never forgiven me for not telling her; and I see my male friend much less because she linked me with his cheating. Please talk to your son (I'm sure you have) about if he is not ready for Marie he should end the engagement and not hurt her even more then he has. Good luck, it feels awful to be in your situation--and poor Marie.

[Dem2dend]

33. Been there, done that

Kiss Maria goodbye son, when she learns you've been out seeking other
"friends" she is not going to trust you EVER AGAIN. (Even if he buys her a 4 million dollar ring)
More importantly sonny isn't ready for Maria or marriage yet if he's still out shopping for "new friends".
When a man finds someone that he loves and wants to marry no "friend" would be worth losing his heart-throb for.
I dated a woman for nine years (9 count 'em) I found the woman I really knew I wanted and I was married within 9 months. No one else mattered to me but her and I knew I was in love.
That was 15 years ago. Yea we're divorced now but I still love her. (I told me therapist and he went BLIND!!! He said he couldn't see me anymore)

[GOPisEvil]

3. Cue the soap opera organ...

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Boy's playin' with fire...

[displacedtexan]

4. join the club!

the parental woes club, that is.
my 20 year old daughter has been hanging out with a seventeen year old boy this summer. we're not at all happy about this.

[Pale Blue Dot]

6. My wife is 3 1/2 years younger than I am

We met when I was twenty.

Try to look on the bright side. It could be that all the guys her age are just after one thing, and she's found a younger guys who respects her for who she is.

[Pale Blue Dot]

5. Sorry, SoCal, there's really only 2 ways of looking at this

Either your son isn't telling Maria because there IS something going on, or, your son isn't telling Maria because there's not enough trust in the relationship.

Either way, I think Maria may be gone soon. :-(

[roughsatori]

17. That is very astute Finnfan

I had not thought of it so logically. I tend to indulge in melodrama when romance hits the fan.

[molly]

7. If he is not sure about what he wants

he better get out now and tell Maria the truth. That's probably a very difficult thing to do. Didn't Maria wonder why she wasn't invited to the company picnic?

[SoCalDem]

14. I don't think he told her about it

:(

He insists that even though they have discussed "the wedding", that they are "not really engaged"..( :eyes: )..

I reminded him that he's CRAZY.. when you buy a girl a $4,000.00 diamond ring, YOU ARE ENGAGED !!!!


To be fair, I was engaged to a different guy when I met my husband 33 years ago, but I immediately broke the engagement.. (actually I didn't have much choice..it was a month off :)..)


We just want him to be upfront with her..

She is a very sweet girl and has been raised in a very traditional hispanic family.. She is modest and shy, and the "new" one is definitely not ... Jennifer(the new one) seems to be a very nice girl, but in a very gregarious way..

I did also tell him, that even if he does not tell her, he will always know that he's keeping secrets from her, and that's not a good feeling..

aaaaah..kids :eyes:

[Karenina]

37. If they are "just friend"

baby-boy committed an egregious breach of etiquette IMHO by involving you and all those who know Maria. Friends can meet on neutral territory; no harm, no foul. I also hope she hears it from him rather than someone else. Sounds like an "escape tactic" to me.

[Demobrat]

8. I hope Maria does find out, and soon.

She has a choice to make. She can forgive him, thereby giving him tacit permission to cheat when they're married. Or she can move on. But she deserves to make her choices based on all the information, like we all do. Poor girl.

[Exultant Democracy]

13. Forgive him for what? All he did was hang out with a friend.

[Demobrat]

15. A friend he doesn't want her to know about.

In other words, he's already keeping secrets about other women. But that's OK. They're just friends. And I just fell off the turnip truck yesterday.

[Exultant Democracy]

20. So he has to tell her about all his friends?

Would you care if he brought some guy named Jeb?

[Demobrat]

24. Do you think he would keep a guy named Jeb a secret?

And expect his family to do the same?

[Exultant Democracy]

26. Not bothering to tell someone is different then keeping a secret.

It would only be keeping a secret if he was involded with the other girl. As for the family telling the other girl, that would be kind of weird, and make a situation of of nothing.

[Demobrat]

32. Not telling someone is different from keeping a secret.

I'm not even going to argue with that. It's too ridiculous. I won't even ask you how you would feel if your girlfriend started "hanging out" with a "friend" she didn't want you to know about. All I will say is that I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend, or the girlfriend of anybody with your sense of honor.

[JewelDigger]

9. He's not married YET

and if this is how much he LOVES and treats his fiancee, perhaps he should rethink the whole thing while he's still single. Re-think the meaning of 'love', marriage in general, his choice of partner, perhaps the 'time' isn't right yet, etc.

I hope you can convince him to treat his fiancee with the same honesty and respect that he would want to get if it were 'the other way around'.

[nedlogg]

10. He says they are "just friends",,

Guys are not "just friends" with good looking women.

Head for the hils! There's gonna be a shit storm brewing.

[StopTheMorans]

12. if you're looking for a good-looking young progressive

to distract jennifer lopez and defuse the situation, I would be willing to volunteer my services :evilgrin:

[SoCalDem]

16. She loooks like that girl who was that vampire series girl

only with brown shoulder length hair..

[StopTheMorans]

19. it is a damn shame

that I am in Boston, and (assuming the handle bears some semblance to reality) said person is in California. I really wish that I could help out here (being the completely altruistic young man that I am O8)

[Exultant Democracy]

18. Maybe you son is telling you the truth.

I have many female friends and most of them are very attractive. Cool people that are fun to hang out with come in both sexes. So if they are just friends why doesn’t he tell Maria? He is an adult and his friends are his own business. Not anyone else, if he was involved with this other girl in more then a friendly way that would be different.

[GOPisEvil]

21. If he were telling the complete truth...

...he'd tell his fiancee about Jennifer.

[Exultant Democracy]

23. It's only a lie of ommision, if there is something to omit.

The fact that the friend is a girl is not enough to make it a lie. IF he was involed with this other girl and he failed to tell his fiancee then it would be a lie though omission.

[GOPisEvil]

25. He's not lieing...he's just not being completely truthful.

There is a difference. Relationships are based on honesty, trust and open communication, and that is lacking here.

[SoCalDem]

27. That's what makes US so angry..

We care about Maria, and it's going to be awkward for US now, because WE know something that SHE shold know, too... and it's not our place to tell her..



She's 24 and Steven is 24, and they both have said that they are in no hurry to get married, so maybe this will be the "clarifying event" that they may need.

When he gave her the ring a few years back, and then said they were in no hurry to get married, I warned him about a LONNNNNNG engagement..

Maybe he is now starting to feel pressure because Maria's mother is pressing...

Maria is also moving a bit further away to finish school..(no they have never moved in together), and he may be feeling like they won;t see each other as often...

whatever it is , they need to sort this out...and soon.. It's making me crazy...:(

[Demobrat]

40. That is tough.

I had a friend who cheated on her husband and expected me to listen to her go on and on about the affair, and then hang out with her husband and act like I was his friend too. Without letting on of course. I couldn't, and she couldn't understand why. Of course we're no longer friends. But this is your son. My only suggestion is that you make it clear you won't cover for him. You don't have to be the one to tell Maria, but if she asks you you can't be expected to lie.

[Exultant Democracy]

28. I'm not telling my GF I'm going out with my Buddy Dan tonight.

She is out of town and I won't see her before I go. Does this mean that I'm not being completely truthful?

[SoCalDem]

29. If "Dan" is short for Danielle and "Dan" is a cutie, then...yes

:(

[Exultant Democracy]

34. Why would it make a difference?

So why you are saying is that it is fine to go out with Dan.
It is also fine to go out with Dan if he is an ugly girl.
But if Dan is a cute girl it isn't fine anymore.

All I plan to do is have a few beers. Why does it matter if the person I have them with is male, female, ugly, or cute?

[SoCalDem]

35. I guess I am old fashioned, but

"open" relationships only work when people are OPEN with it BEFOREHAND..

It bothers me that he does not see this..:(

[GOPisEvil]

30. No, but you'd tell her if you had the opportunity...

...that is the difference. SCD's son has had the opportunity, and chose not to tell Maria.

[Exultant Democracy]

36. You may very well be right...

But we don't know enough of the facts to condemn the kid. Maybe Maria was supposed to go in the first place and she couldn't, and he asked Jen at the last second.

[SoCalDem]

41. Apparently he did not tell Maria about the picnic

:shrug:

They came in Jennifer's car to the picnic.. She apparently lives near our son's apartment complex..

In a relatied quirk.. her brother-in-law adopted one of my kittens, and bowls on my Tuesday league....HE came up to me at bowling and said .."I understand you met my sister in law"..

So even if my son thinks it's no biggie, Jennifer is talking about HIM to her family :eyes:

[Chilly_Willy]

31. Wow omission

So if Maria meets a sexy guy in Las Vegas and spending lots of quality time with him, but she omits it, that is also 100% ok. Problem is if he doesn't inform her that they are leading an open relationship, then Maria needs to know about it, she has every right.

And if nothing is wrong with the new friendship then he needs to tell her ASAP b/c nothing is worse than getting a call from a friend " Hey your fiance is at a bar with this chic ", when there isn't anything going on. Marriage based on "omissions" can end in them too.

Where is the honesty in the world gone?

[Exultant Democracy]

38. Good point

I’m almost done playing devils advocate, but first I have to point out that SCD's son never said anything about an open relationship. Also there is a sizable difference between going to dinner or a bar together, and going to a family company picnic.

[Chilly_Willy]

43. The problem

"I’m almost done playing devils advocate, but first I have to point out that SCD's son never said anything about an open relationship. Also there is a sizable difference between going to dinner or a bar together, and going to a family company picnic."

He did not say anything about an open relationship even though he is living one by omitting the fact that he has such a close female companion without his fiance knowing about it. Now an aquaintance is ok to anyone's standards to omit from telling a spouse, fiance, partner, but bringing the companion to a family company picnic puts the thought in everyone else's mind that she is family...or a really really good friend, a best friend, someone you would take to a company picnic, a woman that wants to go meet your coworkers, your boss, their families. Am I correct?

So the woman is introduced to everyone except his future wife, why?

In fact, if Maria's best friend was of the opposite sex why would she omit that from her fiance, if she has nothing to hide? This goes both ways in a relationship. If it's an open relationship than you don't have to tell your partner everything, unless it goes as far as sex b/c everyone needs to be honest about health issues and such.

Well I seem to be going off and off the subject here, the difference between seeing your fiance at a bar with another companion that they have never mentioned and knowing that your fiance took this companion to a "family picnic" yeah I think the picnic is worse, not because there's any cheating, this isn't about cheating, this is about honesty b/c there are no facts put down in this post about cheating. So assuming he's really great friends and keeping the relationship from his partner than it's worse to introduce the other woman/man to your family and friends at work because they will judge him and even feel uncomfortable (like the father does on this post) that maybe Maria should know.

The bar scene, that would take a friend 1 minute.

See the drama he's creating. Too much drama, I had enough when I was a teenager, this still isn't just about him see all the people it's affecting that have to keep up with his "omission". (no spell check sorry if I write like someone at work trying type out a post quickly)

[Chilly_Willy]

22. Marriage off yet?

The whole bachelor/ette party scenerio in the real world:
Guy/girl spends night before they commit their love infront of the world...by cheating on each other.

My pretend world:
I liked to have a huge party with my husband to be and if strippers need to be there, my parents aren't invited, but most likely love to throw a party at a comedy club or why not Las Vegas invite the bride, groom, a few in the wedding party and go crazy!

But why trash all those years of prior commitment and love, in one night? Of course Maria maybe be a passing thought, but you should remind your son that the one he marries won't look like a supermodel forever so it's better to be in love than lust. And you know once your son looses his looks, hate to tell him, but he'll be out the door as fast as he was in that other woman's bedroom.

[Chilly_Willy]

39. Why?

I posted a statement, but now I have a question after reading everyone elses posts.

Why is he wasting Maria's time? Life passes fast and if he isn't the right guy for her considering all the facts in this you've told us. Why doesn't he let her go so she can find the man she is meant to be with? My questions might be a little personal for you, but after I hit 21, I realized relationships aren't games they are real people chosing their paths in life around both party's decisions. Marriage is a huge commitment and pretending to be engaged could really be stopping Maria from getting the job she really wants, having the children she might want to raise, buying the house she dreamed of, there are so many secondary effects your son is causing someone else harm. He really should be more considerate, life does not revolve around him and who he decides to go out with this weekend.

Sorry again if this seems personal, but it sort of is now.

[SoCalDem]

42. That's what I told him too..

Don't waste any more of her time..or his for that matter.. If he wants out, he needs to be a man and get out.. not sneak around like a high school kid who's going steady and not brave enough to break up..

He was not too happy to hear that, and that's when he said they were "just friends"..:(

[Chilly_Willy]

44. Well what can a father do?

Mine isn't around, but if I was in the same scenerio he would like me make my own decisions and learn they hard lesson of life on my own. So maybe that's what he needs to do. You seem like a really great dad to have, that cares enough about his son's future to worry about it and confront him. Please keep up, there are so few fathers I know that don't care about their children at all.

If your son breaks her heart you'll love him, if he doesn't you'll love him the same correct? Tell him that you don't lie and if Marie ever asks you are not covering for him b/c that's the only way to handle the situation without stepping in, please don't change your values for his cold feet.

[SoCalDem]

45. I'm his Mom.. but his Dad and I are of the same mind here

:)

[Chilly_Willy]

46. Sorry sorry

You must have laughed at my post! You know what I mean, and same goes you are a caring mother. For some reason I thought you were the dad, and skipped over the post a little. I am always the one to try to give advice, but not always a great listener, go figure.

[BlueJazz]

47. SoCalDem...

...Sounds like he's not really in love with Maria.
If he was I doubt that he would have brought her to the party.
Also, it might be his way of telling people (and you) how he really feels.
The pressure that one feels to please their family and friends (over a soon-to-be-marriage) can be overwhelming if the person discovers that he/she isn't ready for what is expected to take place in the future.
There is certainly nothing wrong with finding out that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is truly "not the one"
I do think he's going about it all wrong but please understand that your son is going through a great turmoil inside right now and when such strong emotions are involved it takes a lot of years and experience to sort-out things that seem so obvious to everyone else.
Far, Far better to learn from this life experience then marry someone who he'll always feel was not the true love he had expected.