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Edited on Fri Sep-19-08 09:59 AM by 1gobluedem
I have turned over a new leaf which is, that from now on everything is ALL ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME.
So, you should now be aware that:
My mood and manner will be either petulant, grouchy, arrogant, condescending, phony friendly, bored, or (in extremely rare circumstances) good. This will have nothing to do with the situation at hand, or the company I am with; it will depend entirely on how I felt when I got out of bed or if I am not the center of attention at all times.
External factors will define everything I do, relevant or not. Every itch, ache, twinge, or other symptom, however minor, must be regarded as the last stages of consumption and I must be accorded the sympathy, deference, and attendant hovering that requires. I cannot be expected to arrive at work on time, complete a project, participate in a work or social function, or return a message if I have dogs, cats, birds, irises, a spouse, in laws, children, step children, a lawn, a basement, a garage, a driveway, only one car, or watch TV past 11:00. In addition I will take at least one day off a week for personal reasons, call in sick if I'm having a bad hair day, or, if I do come in, will note my illness in large letters on the sign-in board (SICK BUT WORKING) so everyone will feel sorry for me and hate my boss for perpetrating this outrage.
My role in any activity, no matter how small, takes priority over any other and my needs, however unreasonable, will be taken care of first. In addition, I must be praised lavishly for doing the job I was hired to do and get paid for. If I am asked to do even one shred of work outside of my job description, even though I'll get paid, I will send a message to everyone concerned, and a lot who aren't, pointing out this injustice, providing graphic details of everything that is wrong in my life and the many injustices heaped upon me by either my employer, my family, my friends, or the world at large.
When we talk on the phone, my day and my interests trump all. If I'm not interested in what you have to say I will a) talk over you, b) change the subject, or c) not say anything until you turn the conversation back to me.
If you send me an e-mail that requires instant attention and only needs a mouse click to respond I will sit on it for however long it takes you to track me down and ask for an answer. I will then answer with something completely irrelevant, thus forcing you to track me down again. This is how I can have more attention paid to me.
If I'm wearing an outfit that's new or that I think looks really good on me, I will sashay up and down the hall, or stand in front of you and preen until you say something. If you don't, I will ask you directly what you think of my blouse, skirt, pants, jacket, shoes, jewelry, or haircut. Please note: I expect only gushingly positive answers.
By the number of people I know who exhibit these characteristics, I've concluded that I have been missing out on something, since they all seem quite contented. Therefore, from this point forward, it's all about me.
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