Ok here are tons of examples from comercials and the 2 chat radio stations Remember this game takes place during the 80s which explains communism etc This game DOES poke fun of liberals too ill post the anti liberal things If theres a demand theres not at all asmuch anti liberal as anti conservative though.. (they are really funny too.
For each commercial or transcript ill write some comments before
Ok this is the first commercial its for a typical arnold/sylvester movie imagine narrator sounding like any action movie trailer narrator, tim as your typical american hero and Hoochi as some vietnamese girl
Exploder-Evacuator Part 2
Narrator: He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. Till one day all hell broke loose.
Male: Tim we need you.
Tim: I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing. I wanna raise a family.
Man: That's just it Tim, They've got your family.
Tim: Noooo!
Narrator: Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder. From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one mans quest for peace.
Tim: Hoochi vet is that you?
Hoochi: Tim I know you come, just like old days we kill everybody.
Male: Tim they've got your wife!
Tim: But I'm not married!
Male: You are now to America.
Narrator: He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost his friend.
(Shot)
Tim: Hoochi!!!!
Hoochi: Tim don't leave me, you tought me baseball Tim, and how to laugh.
Tim: Nooo, she would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing!
Narrator: Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends the American way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2. Rated PG may include patriotic garbage.
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This is a comercial for AMMU Nation the leading chain of gun stores in vice city (miami)
Ammu-Nation
Male: The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow
out sale! Ammu-Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on Militia-Mondays, exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor piercing bullets. We’re the only gun store that let’s you try before you buy it! Need anti-tank missile? We’ve got’em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit, no problem! No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shot now, pay later! If you’re in the 10 minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation gun range, featuring faces of commie pinkos! Come by Ammu-Nation and register to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia’s ass! This weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with
free screening of the documentary Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation protecting your rights!
(comment the part with "whopped australias ass is a homage to the first gta3 game where a vet from the big australian american war calls in to a chat station and nobody has heard of this war)
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In the game there are two competing cars one is asian one is american. This is the commercial for the american one
Patriot
Male: What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone
steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it’s the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things?! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car! When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American’s table. (Baby cries) There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries is a threaten! Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defense system! Make sure you do the American thing!
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In the game there are several really funny characters one is governor Shrub (!) one is Pastor Richards. heres Richards commercial
Pastor Richards Salvation Fund
Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favor and pick up your telephone, call now. 1-866-9-SAVEME what better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then from the comfort of your very own readynuclear bunker? When we raise 25 million we will build a 50 story tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates. and when the eminent nuclear strikeoccurs, those who put faith into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me inside the Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 1-866-9SAVEME.
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remember the exploder movie? well now you can buy the knife
Exploder Survival Knife
Male #1: It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder,you'll love this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or jungle of your backyard. It comes complete with fishingline, needle and thread for sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick
Hoochi: Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth.
Tim: It's okay Hoochi, try this!(Knife Opening)
Male #1: For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there’s a saw for building your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream.(Man Grunting)
Tim: That'll shut you up!
Male #1: The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it can save you.
Male #2: This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now you can too.
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A fun commercial
T.Blox
(Man screaming and running)
Male: Germs are running scared.
Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Male: Last Year communists killed 34 hard working Americans, but germs kill over 25 million people. Your home much like America is constantly under attack from germs. And we all know what germs cause Dislexia and Lepracy, thank goodness there's blox.
Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Male: Blox sends germs running like refugees, just add a few tablespoons to your childs bath, and put them in the tub.(Child crying) Presto, that tingling sensation is germs dying. Now your child has rosy red skin and is 100% germ free. Now that means little Jimmy won't catch a cold or ask difficult questions about reproduction. It's even great for Rover's breath. (Dog drinking then whining) Now he's sleeping peacefully, free from germs. Blox is endorsed by the society for cleaner America. It uses a patented formula by the Pentagon for use in the field, now it's avaliable for your home.
Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Sargent: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Sargent: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox
Male: Some germs hate acid, some germs hate bleach, Blox kills indescrimitly
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Pastor Richards seems to be serious
Pastor Richards Salvation Fund 2
Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favor, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in this world, but there's also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates, philanerderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting material possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust, plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming, it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone call now, 1-866-9SAVEME
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Who said Americans only speak American?
Learn Redneck
Male: Throughout human history people have come to these shores to pursue the American dream Life, liberty and the chance to exploit others and get one over on your fellow man. Some people say America is a wild west darwinian nightmare! But hey, We have the best fried food, and theme restaurants in the world! To take full advantage of the remarkable opportunity of this land of select freedom, you got to understand the language of freedom. Some call it American English, others call it; backwater, stump jumpin, jibber speak! But to us it's plain old redneck. It's the language of government, business and the language of friendship. And now you can learn real spoken English fast with this exciting 40 cassette program called Learn redneck pretty fast! Available in Spanish to redneck, French to redneck, Japanese to redneck, English and of course Latin. Just listen to this vocabulary lesson!
Female: Repeato hermana.
Male #2: Girlfriend!
Female: Bueno!
Male: Order now and you'll get a commemorate spit tool and a video tape that shows you how to cook armadillo. Armadillo is good eatin! It's like a lobster except you can run over it and eat it! Call now.
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Is your child red ??
Advice about Reds |
Kid: *Laughs like a small baby*
Mom: What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read is laura Engle's Wilder.
Speaker: If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs. They read complicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even like to share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphelts about recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about the fariness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman immediately.
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Join the army
Speaker: We'll teach you how to make beds, march in squares, shine shooes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all with pride. The military teaches you all the
skills you'll need later in life. Call 1-880-BEAHERO. And become a
real man today.
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OK that was the comercials so lets change channel
In GTA vice city there are two chat stations one is a public radio (abit more serious) vcpr one is commercial chat k-chat.
Now The vcpr pokes ALOT of fun on conservatives but there are also many stereotypical "pinko commies" debating against them
The public radio has some serious thoughts behind it heres a description of the host the major of vice city and pastor richards.. there are MANY MANY more characters too.
Maurice Chavez - The host of the only show we hear on VCPR, Pressing Issues. A retired clown and divorced man who is said to be "living on the edge", Maurice takes control of the show and tells everyone to shut up constantly. Maurice is apparently a parody of a talk show host named Ray Saurez. He hosted a show called "Talk of the Nation."
(i just read this cantback that up)
Alex Shrub )- A state representative who uses his propaganda
to give himself a positive image. Hes parody of Bush (Shrub ---> Bush with the continued references of tax cuts for the rich. However, his personality also seems to be mingled with "McCarthyism," (communism scares) as he makes repeated references to being a communist and preferring a "hammer and sickle," symbols of communism."
Pastor Richards a reactionary priest who was inspired by
80's preacher Jimmy Swagart. Richards plans to build a statue of
himself and launch it into space with anyone who helped fund the statue. His reason for doing this is to leave behind those who are "morally
corrupt".
There are some cuts since i wont include the unpolitical guests etc
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Maurice: Thanks guys! Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to
Pressing Issues on VCPR. That's Vice City Public Radio. Radio which
gives people exactly what they want: High quality educational
programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that this world is going to hell in a handbasket if you don't give us money. Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded entirely by donations by our listeners... and corporate sponsors. So, if you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable discussion group in which we as self-important people exactly what they think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit...
Before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only
joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient
Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of feeding wisemen hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?) and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now, the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious one: Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a very safe place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people. Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast food restaurants and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super markets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or something. Another view is that we are all a little confused and really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as quickly as possible. o, let's press the issue, eh?! Sitting at our panel right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items
of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wisemen following very different stars. To my right, heh, to everyone's right in fact, we have congressman Alex Shrub; the youngest state congressman to ever be elected by Vice City and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!
Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base insticts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this
opportunity to set the record straight.
Maurice: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me introduce my other guest first.
Alex: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love Vice City more
than anyone, and I can proove it.
Maurice: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the opposite end of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". He is fluent in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.
Callum: Hi Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and
buongiorno. Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!
Maurice: Uhhehehe... Let's stick to English. Most of us struggle enough with that. Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with a noble solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory.
John: How y'all doing!?
Maurice: Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind
you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one rated show on public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,
Maurice Chavez.Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri. HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Maurice: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I
will only step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't
forget what my voice sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean
fight. Nothing below the belt on in the chops. And remember Maurice's moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's so important I think. Don't you? So, congressman, let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low, everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger, metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job?
Alex: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all
statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better
statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a fluffer in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry for you and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column (that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?
Maurice: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Maurice.
Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press the issue?
Alex: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want
to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my
permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be
doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile, Crayshaw, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who wants to share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere. I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor and to look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the top.
John: Ehem,if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into this great state from all places north.
Alex: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain
cells to talk!
Maurice: Enough! We've just started and you have prooved yourself, Mr. Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a funny act! Once voted the best upincoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of Vice City. I tried to take it to the Catskills, but Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We are talking about you.
Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and bicuspids for a reason... To open packages of potato chips.
Maurice: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that bitch! What's funny about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from the slaughterer's hands? ...Or her big act: "I Am a Milk Cow: A Lactating Machine For Your Breakfast Cereal"? How do you think a little kiddie enjoyed that on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears, not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped!
John: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more issues than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day!
Maurice: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to
get to? You have some chicklings and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?
John: Hey, be nice man!I just want to talk a little politics and you made it all personal.
Maurice: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Shrub. I've
got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody
feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck
with a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do you think, John F. Hickory. Please, press the issue!
John: All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand... Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into our state from all over America. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and corrputing the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take Florida out of the Union. We start anew as our own country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or Philadelphia or any of them fancy places from settin' foot on our soil!
Alex: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks? Have you read the Constitution?
John: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Florida from the stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation. Build your own damn theme park in your own damn state! Florida theme
parks is for Florida people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to Alabama to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?
Maurice: Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't
believe there are theme parks in Alabama.
John: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "United States", guess what? There's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each other like they are in Australia. What we're going to do soon is build a river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from the 47 states of wastrels and bad influcences to the north. We are going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over. There're be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!
Maurice: You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.
John: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate yankees! By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further north. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're going to build ourselves a river! FBI, CIA- I don't give a damn! They can't stop us. You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrit! What have you done for Vice City up there in Washington?
Alex: I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25 cents per household, over a six year period.
Callum: At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor
people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must stop-
Alex: So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger.
Callum: I'm not little. I'm 5'5". It's time for corporations and all of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this planet, you're spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can't afford to loan you anymore of our nature. Those are our trees. I only wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old. Someone must take my legacy. I must train a little me!
Maurice: How old are you?
Callum: I'm 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything. I've seen a lot of the world.
Alex: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do
things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmire.
John: I agree with that. People from other countries are good for
nothing, that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I tell you what makes a real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.
Callum: I'll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a very narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace... Travel. I recently went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really see what's wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, mustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there.
Maurice: But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying
about whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just take?
Callum: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama, so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It's a lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad's money.
Alex: Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic. It's no wonder that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.
Maurice: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce
taxes to zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!
Alex: No on is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of government, the... the hideousness of my wife and... the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh oh, sure... Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and and and... it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely get up in the morning.
Maurice: ...And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick
break to tell you something very informative. You're listening to
Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio. Over to you, Jonathan.
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Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our
panel, we've got the successionist lunatic, John F. Hickory; Liberal
rich kid, Callum Crayshaw; and Neo Facist congressman, Alex Shrub.
Gentleman, welcome back. Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F?
John: For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove
tattooed all over my groin!
Maurice: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How
do we get guns under control in this city?
Callum: By giving everyone hope... A dream of a better tomorrow. By
encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the
satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a
ho, planting seeds in a peasent village?
Alex: Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself. We don't need gun
control. If you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that
should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare-
mongers and non-believers, men like you Chavez, under control. I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.
Maurice: We don't get any funding.
Alex: Exactly. But... Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me!
You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and... and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun... or a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or... whatever that word is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! ...And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.
Maurice: That's quite simple. Are you really saying that?
Alex: Of course I am. Vice City is a growing city, and of course there are going to be some growing pains. Well, what I tell people is this: Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the... Shrub-inspired boom... And enjoy the kind of things sensible people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.
John: No no no no! Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old
folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes!
Florida does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What's wrong
with Nevada or Kansas? We want a river! We need a river! The freedom
river.
Maurice: ...And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime,
fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Callum: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. he more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spendning all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Maurice: What ARE you talking about?!?!
Callum: I'm talking about hopes... Dreams... The magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Maurice: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and
pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA
group meeting recently?
Alex: Baseball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining
together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
John: I hate that Spring Training. Who do those guys think they are?
Comin' here and gettin' in the way... Showin' us no respect! Drinkin'
our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk! Train in your own home,
mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin'! Diggin' a
big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom. So far, we've dug 17 feet. We're almost free... Almost! When we are
floatin' away in the Caribbean Sea, free to run our way, singing,
"Kumbaya!!" in the sun! No school, no tax! Free barbeque and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated entertainment!
Maurice: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of America. I like it a lot! I get public radio! I can hear Maurice Chavez! I own a small, one
bedroom home... A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic... Three or four radios, all turned on to VCPR... A dog... 15 ice cubes... But I don't feel safe. I'm worried about gangs."
Alex: Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and
demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud? The dream of America is to live in a duplex and share a yard. Why... Why would anyone want to threaten that great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog.
Callum: ...And, Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up for my trust fund... We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's identity. A grouping... A community within a community. Gangs are a way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators.
Maurice: ...And that's supposed to terrify people?
Callum: No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to
life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love... To be inclusionary.
We'd award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool.
Maurice: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street... or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?
Callum: ...Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. Anyone
can join our group. This is about poor people getting together.
Maurice: ...But your father owns half of Florida. How are you part of the working class?
Callum: Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace.
Alex: Your father is a great man. He's done more for the arms trade in this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. America needs hope, not songs or are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people... Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.
Maurice: Now, now Mr. Shrub. Let's not make this personal. I
appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the issue! Vice City is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing any serious solution. So far, we've got successionism, rearing it's ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a flower"! You're all a little unrealistic, yes?
Callum: Maurice!
Maurice: Not to say, "Over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Crayshaw, how do we stop people running amock in the city with machine guns and heavy artilery?
Callum: You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with
wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them
from themselves.
Maurice: How... How on Earth do you do that?
Callum: Well, um... You can let them off-
Maurice: Marvelous, great! That's a sensible plan!
Callum: Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!
Alex: We've been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we
keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we say that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; Sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now.
Maurice: Mmm... I thought you worked hard at school because the other
kids laughed at you and called you a square.
Alex: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me wet fart.
Callum: They called me "The Bat" because my voice didn't break until I was 19.
Maurice: So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don't believe in regulation.
Alex: I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with
lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral
people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.
Maurice: ...But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Alex: Yes, we've made a lot of progress!
Maurice: ...And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing
through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a
dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Alex: Uh... Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them
probably deserved it.
Maurice: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.
Alex: Well... I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a friendly face in the White House. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.
Maurice: Uh, just a minute-
Alex: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.
Maurice: But you're not-
Alex: This man won't let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me
speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three
inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!
Maurice: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.
Alex: I'm a professional. That's my job.
Maurice: ...And Mr. Hickory, what about you?
John: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north. The state is filling up with trash; People who can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don't the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. We must build a moat to the north or they will come down and ruin this great state.
Maurice: ...And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida?
John: Tuhah! What a stupid question! Of all the cheek!
Maurice: Were you?
John: Of course not! No one's been born in Florida since 1877! BUT...! I've been here five years which is a very long time.
Maurice: Yes it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio. I this episode of pressing the issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, and John "Florida" Hickory discussing safety. I've guess you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish, or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? Gentlemen, I feel we really got somewhere, and that Vice City and people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began. And now, over to Jonathan and Melissa to talk to you about public radio in your area.
======================================================
Heres the next segment
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and
Barry Stark. The degenatron is a parody of Nintendo
Maurice: Thank you, guys! So, we are back on Pressing Issues. Just one of the many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio. Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez. A man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of six knots. Six years ago I was a clown, and now I'm a success! Hahaha! Think about it! Imagine where I could be in ten years... I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head and discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos... Why? All very confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, "That is a perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show." ...Which is very lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality we have firebrand preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC... Or is it MAPS... MAPKAY... Uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory? And finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended." He's the editor of Vice City's "Naturist News" and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more nude activities to Vice City. To protect the dignity of our other panelists, we've placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.
Barry: I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person!
Maurice: Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes... Is it moral to be naked?
Barry: Yes! You can't stop me!
Jan: Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day. My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked. When it's bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's... That's also the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things.
Barry: Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the '60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I had always felt very constricted. Then it hit me like a slippery fish. Clothes are plain wrong. When you're born you're not wearing any clothes. When you die... you're not wearing any clothes.
Maurice: I'm going to have to interrput you there. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working?
Barry: Clothes lead to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting. Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately? People around the world are nude. You don't want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scold in quite a personal fashion, quite frankly. Have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime and the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car. No one's ever pick-pocketed me. They've never even tried.
Richards: That's because you're a degenerate loony.
Barry: If the police were naked, it would set a great example to
everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.
Richards: Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm
buildng the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah hand an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50 story statue will be able to deflect alpha, beta, and gamma radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the Artificial Suns when rain down to punish the degenerates of this city. But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space, and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me.
Barry: Hmm... Will there be naked people?
Richards: No, turd brain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're
shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... They're
the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick, and should be shot I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions.
Maurice: Phew... That's extreme stuff, Pastor, but we'll leave amateur
eugenics for a moment and ask our other panelists. Jan, you're a mom,
so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you
think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or a book?
Jan: Well, yes I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special they
go to special classes. Now I teach my kids history to give them
perspective. Last night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed
around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave
him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an
important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many
species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially
true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really
important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!
Maurice: Okay... But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I don't think I understand.
Jan: Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and
working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else. That's what this country's all about. I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap. Wha-What's your kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or Wave or Horseradish or whatever they call 'em. How can you take your kid to a little league game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs? It's awful! And that's what my life is about: Looking down on others.
Maurice: Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards,
in your book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?
Richards: Oh, that's right! People need to learn how to take care of
themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That builds moral character. Morality, Maurice, there's not much left in this city. Every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark ages. Look at Russia! They keep trying to help each other out; extend a hand to a neighbor. And guess what? Every ten years, someone's invading, burning down their homes, and taken their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun... All of them. After you read my book, you will understand. I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy.
Barry: Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked?
Maurice: Yes, soon Barry! Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please
my friend. Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and vampire sitings at the mall... Can the family be safe? ...Or to put it another way: "If we're meant to be monogomous, why weren't we born already married?" Jan, over to you.
Jan: Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working hard I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it.
Maurice: Go on. Tell me more about... your family.
Jan: Um well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one
planet, even if we do just want to maime and kill each other.
Especially, me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies,
besides making babies and criticizing people, is biology. You learn so much from nature. People these days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the super market. Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place. Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. N-No wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, The Degeneratron?* What a crock of shit!
Maurice: Heh-Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have
regulations about that sort of thing!
Jan: ...But you let a naked man on.
Maurice: Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that
exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash.
You'll get the picture.
Jan: Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying.
Maurice: Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore.
Jan: I'm sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick the 3rd... I heard him using slang words in the house the other day. Rad and cool and stick it... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly!
Maurice: What?
Jan: No, don't interrupt me! I've got children, you know, please! This is really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pull accident. My daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills?
Maurice: Barry... You look like you've got something to say.
Barry: I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kind of families. You see, social class destinctions disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white. It doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around... Mother Nature. That's why we're lobbying to build a naked casino in Vice City, so old people can gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff.
Richards: It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles his money away is a fool. But he that believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people. It's that simple. Do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself.
Maurice: Oh, but I think it is Pastor. We look around: Nudy clubs,
discos, drinkin... Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate
morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives?
Richards: Absolutely! Yes, of course I can. Just look at prohibition or the cultural revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or intellectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built. People want to be told how to act. Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and what's evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it's a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt unnecessarily in my opinion.
Jan: I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to potty train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy. My kids are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong this country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the park to catch their own food. They're learning to be self-sufficient. Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.
Maurice: Okay... It's time to take a break before we hear about anymore criminal acts against government employees. You're listening to Pressing Issues. Morality is the subject at hand. Let's explain
exactly how free radio without commerical breaks works. We'll be right back.
----------------------
back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: I love those guys! Really professional and living proof that all the talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love because they have integrity, just like me! We're back with
Pressing Issues. I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of five public radio awards in the Vice City area, including best voice. On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we are discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions. Why are we here? What time is it? And is there a place around here a guy can get a drink? Early man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there. Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people think. If you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not sure. Let's press the issue.
Barry: Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew
makes sense. Do you know how much money I save not having to wear
trendy clothes? Read a history book. At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone was naked. Even you! Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice, please!
Richards: Because nobody is interesting in seeing your... "business." Because we have standards of decency which you are offending.
Barry: Look at me! I'm jumping up and down!
Jan: Oh my goodness! Get back behind the divider, please! I'm married!
Barry: What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I'm happy? Jan, give me a hug! I won't hurt you! And by the sound of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary.
Jan: No! We worked through it! He was stressed! It's hard keeping a family together these days.
Barry: Everyone! Take you clothes off and feel what it's like to be
free of bondage. Everyone out there in Vice City take your cltohes off! If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air conditioning! Uh! A breeze is so liberating!
Maurice: Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider Barry, please, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you. Uh, no-now sit down... On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to respect one another. To treat each other like we would like to be treated.
Barry: I want a hug!
Richards: If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to Russia? I don't understand people in America today. They call this a Cold War, but it's hotter as hell. Mark my words! Anyday now, you're sitting in school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when suddenly you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over. What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends? Call yourselves The Wolverines? Put twigs in your hair and beat back the Russkies? No... You hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space! But there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and security of your own bunker, give now. Call 866-9SAVEME. We'll get you on the payment plan and if you're paid in full on D-day, you and your family will be safe! If not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave the others behind.
Maurice: Hey hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You're not a valued sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.
Jan: I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things about being a mom; not ruining their life with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks.
Maurice: Really?
Jan: That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but my kids certainly ain't going to see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient.
Barry: That is offensive! My mother understood I was special! She made me wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it! After social service moved me she was still right to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye.
Maurice: But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking
your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.
Barry: I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues.
Look at me! Please, Maurice! I need a hug!
Richards: There's another example of immorality in this city; public
showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and
carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction! We're building a statue and we need your help! Call me now!
Jan: You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, "It might be an android... Suck your brains out." You must have seen the mini-series event on television. I read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars- all this science fiction- and focus on the family. If you really want to dance like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! ...And that's a fact!
Maurice: Eh... Uh... What's a fact?
Jan: I'm sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you... I'm moved to Florida to bring up the American way; in a theme park. And that's just the kind of person I am: opinionated and moronic.
Maurice: I see, well... This panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aide to Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?" Critics complain it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards-
Richards: What?
Maurice: What do you make of meddling in other people's business like an over-opinionated sociopath?
Richards: Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better
things like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.
Maurice: Stop doing that!
Richards: Don't interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue
in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain
simple. They eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants
to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with
copies of my book but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the
people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day!
Maurice: Yes, but don't you think it's important-
Richards: I think it's very important to listen to me, young man!
That's what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve where they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been! We should send some pictures of Flordia to those people in Alaska. I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs, and get pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should know, I'm from Mars!
Maurice: No you're not!
Richards: Uh... Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.
Barry: The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you
can't work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your
birthday suit, then what's the point of living?
Maurice: Uh, well it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when
it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair.
Richards: That's a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!
Barry: Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash! As
soon as you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral.
Well, we're not! I'm married... I love my wife... In our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile.
Richards: What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?
Barry: Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio and a stick in your hand, shifting gears... Over, and o
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