How important is physical attraction when confronted with

[malta blue]

compatibility?

I mean, if you mesh really well with someone and the only thing holding you back is the physical attraction (things that could be changed like hair, wardrobe), woudld you say something to the person, suck it up, what? :shrug:

And yes, it is shallow, but I am curious....

[billyskank]

1. I think it's awful that people make you feel it's shallow.

Physical attraction is often (usually?) how it starts. Now it's quite true that you can come to love somebody whom you never felt any physical attraction for, and in the end the affection can change the way you even see them. But this doesn't always make you want a physical relationship with them either, and I don't think we should let people make us feel shallow if that doesn't happen.

Sight is probably the principal of our senses, so why should we consider it unworthy? Just my 0.02.

[malta blue]

2. Thank you billy

:hug:

[redqueen]

28. Because it's massively superficial, and physical appearance changes.

Well, not if your Jacklyn Smith, or Barry Manilow... but normal humans age and their looks change.

[billyskank]

31. Thanks.

[LeftyMom]

3. It's important.

What if you established a relationship? Even if everything were otherwise great, that person would eventually realize that you do not find them attractive physically, and would likely have some feelings of inadequacy or rejection as a result.

Personally I'm of a mind that you can't go into a relationship expecting to change someone.

[malta blue]

5. very honest, thank you

and you are right about changing people :thumbsup:

[mcctatas]

4. I think anyone who tries to say it isn't important are full of crap...

For me a sense of humor is the most important thing, but if I had the funniest guy on the planet and he had a mullet and wore pink polos and cocks hats I would definately say something.

[Symarip]

6. Note to self:

Ditch the pink polo.

[mcctatas]

8. You might be able to pull off a pink polo

;)

[Symarip]

12. Where would I pull it off to?

z!ng.

[mcctatas]

14. If I told you...

the thread would surely get locked :evilgrin:

[malta blue]

7. see, THAT is what I am talking about....

Why should people make you feel bad for not being attracted to the mullet man?

[mcctatas]

9. Plus it's unfair to the mullet wearer...

there is some perfectly wonderful Wisconsin Waterfall worshiping girl out there who would love him as he is, why hold the mullet man back from true love everlasting? :P

[malta blue]

13. Wisconsin Waterfall

:rofl::rofl:

[Oeditpus Rex]

23. A few years ago

I had what some people would probably call a mullet. :eyes:

[Chan790]

70. Real men wear pink!

It's a color that looks good on people. It's silly that people won't wear a color because they think it might make them look effeminate. That to me is the perfect example of the sort of insecurity that is undesirable in a mate.

Mullets are just bad though and I have no idea what a cocks hat is...unless you mean a Gamecocks hat, which might make sense if you were a huge non-fan of Univ. of South Carolina. (Baseball caps look stupid on everybody but baseball players anyways...give me a nice trilby, bowler or porkpie. Men should wear more real hats.)

[mcctatas]

76. Pink is not the problem...

nor is a Cocks hat, it just happens to be the unfortunate uniform of douchebags in my area :hi:

[Chorophyll]

10. I think physical attraction is pretty important for most people.

I know that in my own relationship (15 years, married for 13) when the chips are down it's nice to still have that primal physical thang.

Also, I think physical attraction is more than just visual, so changing hair or wardrobe probably wouldn't make a huge difference.

ETA: definitely nothing to feel shallow about! :)

[malta blue]

11. In this case, a little hair and wardrobe would make

a HUGH difference - that is the dilemma. :dilemma:

[Chorophyll]

18. Ah. I get it. Then the question becomes

how one suggests the changes delicately. Hmmm. Buy the person a couple of shirts? (I'm useless, here.)

[malta blue]

19. hmmm

thanks for the suggestions

[Chorophyll]

20. Really? You're welcome.

I've been known to quietly lose/replace some of my husband's clothes from time to time. It's hard to do that in the early stages of a relationship, though.

[malta blue]

21. thing is, this person lives far from me so there is

no way I can misplace clothing, etc. And actually, it's more the hair - wow - I feel like such an ass - but it just does nothing for me.

[Chorophyll]

24. Well... maybe next time you hang out

you can gently broach the subject.

"Hey! I'm treating us both to a day of beauty at the fabulous unisex Salon de Supercuts!" :P

[malta blue]

25. Or I can just chop it off, or shave his face....

:hide:

[Chorophyll]

39. Get him unconscious first.

That's my last bit of advice.

:evilgrin:

:hide:

[harmonicon]

52. shit, it's me, isn't it?!?!

Damn!

[malta blue]

59. you found out

:hide:

[Mutley]

68. "Accidentally" get gum in it.

Then a hair cut becomes necessary.

:P

[Chan790]

71. A direct question.

Is this person clearly interested in you? I'm assuming the answer is yes.

My suggestion is to be coy but not forceful. Find ads and pictures of things you like in this vein...show them to him from time to time and say things like: "I think that would be a good look on you." or "That's a really nice shirt." or "I love when men wear a suit"

Generally, you're talking about things here that men really don't have either an attachment or a strong opinion on. I've had the same haircut for 10 years. It's not because I like that style, but because it's not the sort of thing that I care enough about to change or seek out a different look. It's the same for my perpetual wearing of pajama pants around the house and the 40 lbs. I could afford to lose.

Not to be crass but to be fairly-blunt: The possibility of the potential for some "fun" is a strong motivator for guys. We'd do pretty much anything (as long as it was something we didn't care about in the least) if we thought it might get us somewhere with a pretty woman.

The caveat is what's fair is fair...he might be repulsed by your favorite shade of lipstick or really hate flats. He might also think you'd look better as a redhead or dressed in concert tees. You've got to ask yourself if this is a door you're really willing to open if it goes both ways.

[malta blue]

81. I appreciate your candor - and

I am thinking the answer to your question may very well be yes, so I should stop and consider all your suggestions.

Thanks :hi:

[harmonicon]

51. I have shirts that my girlfriend forbade me to wear

This was after we'd been going out for awhile though.... other clothes too.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. its the main difference between your friends and your lovers

so it is an important issue.

[malta blue]

16. clear and to the point

Thanks LP!

Glad you have returned safely from India, even though you were not near the attacks :hug: we were worried about you.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. thank you malta b

[DarkTirade]

22. IMO It's only important to a point.

In my experience the only time it's a barrier is when someone is just plain outside your sexual preference. Which happened to me once. I met a girl online, only saw a tiny thumbnail picture of her. Got along with her fine, thought I'd like to meet her. Up to that point I didn't really care what she looked like, she was quirky and interesting and into a lot of the same things I was and there was a lot of compatability there. Then I saw a full sized picture of her. And I was just plain incapable of finding her attractive. I tried to push through anyway, had dinner, hung out, did all that. I think I was just trying to prove to myself that I'm not that shallow. But it was simply impossible for me to find her attractive in any physical way. I really enjoyed her company, but there was just nothing romantic there whatsoever. Eventually we decided to just be friends, and we kept hanging out.

I've dated people who I didn't find to be particularly physically attractive, but they at least fell within my range of sexual preference. I didn't find them to be UNattractive. I was ABLE to be attracted to that person. Even if most of it was just personality, I was still able to get turned on by them in some way. Looks only an issue if I am completely incapable of finding someone attractive. Hell, I wouldn't expect a straight guy to go out with me just because we got along great. :P Same principle.

[malta blue]

26. If I could change the hair/facial hair it would

be all good.

How do I approach that?

[DarkTirade]

30. Other than just hinting, "Y'know, it would be really hot if..."

I dunno. :)

[billyskank]

45. You put that better than I could have.

I agree completely. :)

[redqueen]

27. Compatibility is all there is for me.

If I'm compatible with and really like someone, I start fetishizing things about them. I know I'm not like normal people though.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

29. My dear malta blue...

My story:

When I first met my husband, I was not at all attracted to him physically. Not one little bit. He was sort of nerdy/dorky looking...

But he wanted to go out with me, and I didn't want to sit in my dorm, all alone Saturday nights...

So, I went out with him.

I very quickly discovered that inside that nerdy face/body, lived a remarkable man...

It took awhile for my spark to happen, but it did. I still am very much in love with him...

And he looks great to me!

I do buy his shirts, though...;)

[malta blue]

34. he just has bad facial hair - that is all there is to it

We get along very well and have known each other for about 10 years now, and have been close friends for 6 of them.

[Deja Q]

32. Well, if you want more than an petty fling, then there's got to be more than just fireworks/sex.

If people want physical attraction and "freedom", fine. If they change their minds, I hope they don't have any diseases - for they have done themselves and others a disservice and disrespect by getting a disease in the first place.

It's tragic, but I'm not going to interfere. I will still say my piece, say it in pride despite pride being a sin, and that's that.

[malta blue]

33. there are no fireworks, just good friendship and it

has been that way for some time now - about 6 years....

Lately we have been communicating more often since my jerk STBE decided he wanted out. He visited me over this past weekend, even before visiting "the guys". On Sat. night, we were all at the same party and some of the guys were asking where X was and I piped up that I had seen him the night before, and they were all shocked that he had come to see me instead of hanging out with them. I promptly sent him a text to get to the party and get me off the hook....

[La Lioness Priyanka]

66. people w. STD's are disrespectful of themselves and others?

you're really an awful person.

[Heidi]

74. Are you kidding about that characterization of people with STDs?

1. Physical attraction and freedom don't cause STDs.
2. How does having an STD disrespect and do a disservice anyone else if one doesn't infect anyone else with the STD?

There's plenty of tragedy to go around in life, and scolding, judgmental posts like this are among them. :sheesh:

[Deep13]

35. Nothing that could be changed with wardrobe or hairstyle...

...would affect physical attraction. And yeah, it's important.

[latebloomer]

36. Well, it sound like you ARE attracted to him!

You just have to find a diplomatic way to address the issue.

What are his hair and beard like, anyway?

[malta blue]

37. that's the thing - I do find his mind and personality

attractive, but it's the other things...

He has this silly handlebar moustache that can be curled up :scared:

The hair is not really a big deal - it's long but i can deal with long hair - it the moustache - it kills me.

[latebloomer]

38. OY!!

I hear what you're sayin.

Could you say something like, "You know, you'd be so much hotter if you shaved that off."
.

[Chorophyll]

40. I bet he'd

shave it if you wanted him to. Really.

(I almost put that whole first sentence in the subject line. Then I thought better of it.) :P

[malta blue]

46. omg

:rofl:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

41. Ask yourself these two questions

(1) Is his physical appearance/wardrobe going to be an ongoing problem in this potential relationship if he is not prepared to change it?
(2) Would I be prepared to make the changes to my appearance or wardrobe if he found it unappealing? And think about that question seriously

[malta blue]

47. see that is the hard part....

my STBE and I had serious issues with him wanting me to change.

[Zavulon]

42. Regardless of compatibility,

I couldn't work out a relationship if I weren't attracted to the woman.

If you're talking about things that he / she could actually change to make you attracted to him / her, do NOT suck it up unless you're unwilling to hear the same things from that person. If you are, then by all means tell the person - if you're truly compatible, there won't be a problem. If there's a problem, you've overestimated your compatibility.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

43. It's not a good idea to expect a partner to change their look...

I think if physical attraction is important to someone, they need to be true to their own feelings. Otherwise they aren't being fair to their partner.

[unpossibles]

44. It really depends for me

For one thing, I almost never am not attracted to someone simply based on hair or clothes, unless said hair or clothes were a signal that we'd have nothing in common (such as if someone were wearing a NASCAR hat and Rush shirt and had a mullet) anyway.

Honestly, I am pretty open minded when it comes to attraction, BUT I have also learned that sometimes I need to be honest about it too. I've tried dating people I meshed with but who did not "do it" for me on that basic level, and honestly, after a while I felt like I was living a lie, and not being fair to them or to me.

[malta blue]

48. that whole not being true to oneself is very

important - perhaps you are right.

[mentalsolstice]

49. Ahhh, the psychology of the human mind!

My husband and I were instantaneously attracted to each other, however, we spent several months getting to know each other before taking it further. I just asked him, what if everything physically was the same, but I wore my hair, make-up and clothes differently...he said he didn't know if he would've been "that into me."

I think there are basic physical types we're attracted to (short, tall, dark, light, thin, stout, muscular, lean, etc.). These preferences are probably ingrained into us early on by our families.

However, some of those physical aspects that are changeable, give us a clue to the values and psychological makeup of the other person.

For an example, and I don't want to offend anyone, but if I had big, streaked hair, heavy make-up, skin-tight clothing, lots of glitzy jewelry, my husband probably would have loved to have me for a friend, but not a partner. He likes the outdoors, camping, spontaneous decisions about going to a movie, dinner, and other social activities, without hours of getting ready. So, he likes low maintenance, as do I. None of the qualities I listed above are wrong, as I have many loved ones and friends that fit that description. However, for the lifestyle we both desired and have carved out for ourselves, it's was imperative that our wardrobe and grooming habits be very manageable, with little time and expense.

[harmonicon]

50. I don't think I get it

I'm either attracted to someone or not, and it changes as I get to know them. I might think that someone is beautiful but get to know them better, not like them, and then I always think they're ugly too... or just not actually attractive. Sometimes I've met people that I didn't see as attractive until I got to know them better, and one day, they're suddenly beautiful.

[elleng]

53. Minor

.

[Forkboy]

54. Third on my list behind intelligence and humor.

[malta blue]

61. that is how I like to consider myself

I am just having a weird feeling about this. :shrug:

[Forkboy]

65. A lot of people think physical attraction is shallow, ignoring the biological aspect....

...that almost all animals share. We're hardwired for it. To me, it only becomes a problem when we use physical attraction at the exclusion of the other good traits a person may possess.

[SPKrazy]

55. it depends

It is apparently something that in some cases cannot be overcome, but with others they are able to go past that.

Shallow? I dunno, one has to feel it all the way through, and if looks are going to be something that you get stuck on, then it may be a problem for you... which isn't a way of saying shallow, its just preference and what you want.

:hug:

good luck!

[malta blue]

62. i have never been stuck on looks, ever.

I think that is why I am so perplexed by this.

I guess I will see what happens

Thanks :hug:

[LaraMN]

56. Smart+ funny+cool= trumps minor aesthetic deficiencies.

Absolutely.

On a side note, I buy MrLaraMN's clothes so he doesn't look funny.
:P

[malta blue]

58. ...

:rofl:

Good thing about MrLaraMN. ;)

[crim son]

57. I believe real physical attraction transcends things like clothing or bad hair.

On the other hand, what the bad clothing or hair might symbolize... how it is the gentleman came to wear such horrible attire or to believe that shaving animal shapes into his hair is attractive... this might lead you to question if you and the guy have anything in common. If you love intelligent blue eyes and a great smile, what difference could it make if he wears shoes with tassels instead of Eastern riding boots or whatevah?

[malta blue]

60. true enough

:thumbsup:

[Gormy Cuss]

63. If you don't feel a physical attraction, changing hair and wardrobe is unlikely to create it.

Chemistry is chemistry. When I meshed really well with someone but didn't find him attractive, I knew that I had found a friend, not necessarily a mate. Turned out that initial assessment was true every time for me. YMMV.

[Orrex]

64. No one ever goes after the person whom they find unattractive

No one. Ever.

[redqueen]

69. Untrue.

The first guy I picked out to date was what most people would call unattractive. He was funny though, and he was nice, so I hit on him, and we dated.

The first long-term relationship I had, again, the guy was what most people would call unattractive. But again, he was nice, and we shared a lot of the same taste in music, books, movies, etc.

I picked neither of these guys because I considered them physically attractive. There were lots of people in our group of peers who were very hot... and I got along with them well enough, but I was never attracted enough to any of them to ask them out. I have done that as well though, asked out someone I thought was attractive... both people I didn't even know and people I did know.

It really makes no difference to me what someone looks like.

Can't speak for others... maybe I'm just a freak of nature.

[Orrex]

78. I think you're misreading what I meant

Third-party opinions re: attractiveness are irrelevant for purposes of my post. "What most people would call unattractive" doesn't matter, either; it's what the individual doing the hitting-on thinks.

I'm happy to accept that you find appearance to be of lesser importance when you're on the prowl. Maybe you are a freak of nature!

[Burma Jones]

67. It's the difference between "Just Friends" and incessant, steamy sex

At least for the first few years.........

[NewJeffCT]

72. It really depends, but it is important

If I had met a woman that had a great personality, was smart and I got along great with her, I would be less concerned about her looks, but I would still need that physical attraction. But, her physical attractiveness would be magnified by her personality, compatibility and intelligence.

[MissMillie]

73. I guess I'm not usually "turned on" by the physical stuff, but

I most certainly can be "turned off" if I think that someone's physical attributes (combined w/ their lifestyle) indicate that we might be so different from each other that it's just not worth the effort.

And it's not just about the looks. A big guy who leads a very active life would be ok.

I just can't be around a couch potato. I need to be active and I can't let someone else's inactivity bring me down.

And the guy needs to be clean. No long stringy oily hair. No icky smells.

[LanternWaste]

75. From where I sit, the outside of a person...

From where I sit, the outside of a person and the inside of a person are both important, and are both dependent on the other.

We often say, "it's only what's on the inside that's important", but why is that? Seems to me that physical attraction, skin, beauty, et.al. is as much a part of the total package as is that person's humor, tenderness, sweetness, etc. Why disregard one part of the human machine as irrelevant?

"People get old, beauty fades..." Well, I reject that particular premise-- beauty changes, it doesn't fade; but then again, so does a person's emotional and spiritual beauty change too (along with our perceptions of what beauty is).

My tastes at seventeen are so much more different than they are now-- back then, anyone over the age of thirty was an "old hag". Contrast that to these days: when I see a seventeen year old girl, the best I can think is, "give her about ten or fifteen more years-- she'll be a real looker..."

It don't think it's shallow at all to admire a person for the beauty we see in them, any more than it's shallow to admire a person for the beauty we see within them-- they are both part and parcel of that person, and they are both subject to change. Rejecting one aspect of the person, or ignoring it all together seems almost shallow in and of itself.




Anyway, I've never heard anyone proudly say of their SO, "yeah-- s/he's really horribly ugly-- but who cares?

[redqueen]

77. When I was with men who would be considered by most to be 'ugly',

I didn't make believe that they were Rock Hudson clones... but it really didn't matter that they were what others would call 'ugly'. I wouldn't call them ugly cause they were nice people... or so I thought at the time anyway, in one case.

... am I really the ONLY person here like this? :(

[LanternWaste]

80. But it's all a combination of degrees and perception, isn't it?

"I didn't make believe that they were Rock Hudson clones... "

But it's all a combination of degrees and perception, isn't it? By modern standards, I've never dated a stunningly gorgeous woman (insert example of" stunning here"... Catherine Zeta-Jones comes to mind). Yet when I was dating them, I honestly and sincerely thought they were both stunning and gorgeous to look at.

And the most attractive one of the bunch, who herself was both striking and attractive to look at when we were dating holds absolutely zero physical appeal to me in the here and now because of a seriously ugly breakup, though I've been told she look even better today than ever by shared friends. Perceptions of physical beauty predicated by the inner beauty, and vice-versa; each one based on the other.

Today, I have a major interest for a girl who works on the sales floor of my office building. I think she's adorable and cute-- a "real looker" as grandad would've said. But a fellow in my department tells me, "don't waste your time with her-- she's not that great, you can do better." Well, what's better to me may not be better to him. I think she's adorable, he thinks she's mayonnaise at best. I think she looks like a princess, he think she looks like a peasant.

I sincerely believe that inner and outer beauty are in a symbiotic relation with each other-- feeding off of, and feeding the other. Add to that our own, wholly personal definitions and perceptions of what is or is not beautiful (I think Norman Rockwell paintings are gorgeous, though my best friend thinks they're hideous and without merit), and odds are that even the ugliest person (whether that ugliness is on the inside or outside-- or both) is truly and honestly and sincerely Beautiful to someone else.

Beauty I think, is a most diaphanous concept that, even within ourselves has a constantly changing and updating definition.

But... I'll think and ponder this. Maybe there is an absolute "right" answer and a "wrong" answer. I dunno-- I'll never consider myself a wise or smart person, and if it turns out that at the end of my life I've been wrong more often than not (this included), I won't be surprised at all.

:hi: :hug:

[redqueen]

84. Outer beauty, IMO, is nothing. Meaningless.

For me, it only enters into the equation where lust is concerned. :)

[IndianaJones]

79. physical attraction is #1...followed closely by not having any kids. nt.

[Lucian]

82. Physical attraction is pretty important to me.

If a woman had a great personality and was really compatible with me, but was only so-so to ugly in looks, then it would be really hard for me to get any closer to her. We'd most likely be only friends. Yes, I know that it's shallow, but it's just me being human.

[malta blue]

83. but if she just had bad hair it would be okay?

Just asking? Because this is a facial hair thing more than anything else....

[Lucian]

85. Bad hair can always be fixed.

And facial hair on a woman is a no-no for me. :puke:

[malta blue]

86. ....

:rofl: facial hair on a woman .....

[kwassa]

87. Compatibility is wildly more important, and a form of attractiveness.

I've been led astray by empty physical beauty a number of times in life.

Part of what makes someone truly attractive is who they are as a person, and how they fit with who I am. Once I started to focus on that, instead of filtering people instantly by their looks, I became much more successful in relationships, and I mean in the sense of being really happy in relationships.