My husband told me on the cell phone he wants a divorce

[buckettgirl]

Yes, you read that right.
Monday, my husband left for work at 6p (he's on nights) and told me goodbye, that he loved me and would see me in the morning. We'd had no fights, nothing was obviously wrong. I mean, we always have issues, but really who doesn't - but was a good day, nothing was going on.
not even 20 minutes later he called me on the cell phone and told me he wanted a divorce. Which was then followed by about 7 or 8 text messages over a 3 hour time span telling me to get my shit and get out, that I was not welcome in his home.
When I inquired "what the holy hell is going on" He told me (in a text message) that he is miserable and it is all my fault. Mutual friends speculate that he has been having an affair, which he denies, and besides his weird behavior I have no proof of (which he is always kinda weird).
I was shocked. He has serious issues that stem from a terribly abusive childhood, and he refuses to deal with his issues. He has always been miserable to some degree. I tried to make life better for him - bent over backwards.
Sadly, though, I knew this was coming eventually - 4 years ago I opened a money market account in my name only and saved a couple thousand dollars in case I had to leave.
We have been married 5 years and together for 8.
I took my puppy and my cats and bunch of my stuff and went to my parents house. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of lies; I'm tired of walking on egg shells; I'm tired of being constantly criticized. Nothing I ever did was enough.
I'm truly heart broken - I really loved him and I would have stayed and endured (despite being broken). But at the same time it feels really good to be free - that I don't have to worry about what I'm going to be bitched at about next or what is going to set him off; that I can look forward to rebuilding myself and maybe even finding someone who will finally value me and treat me with respect.

My friends have told me in the past that I suffer from battered woman syndrome - even though he never laid a hand on me. All the scars are emotional.

Luckily, this isn't going to be really messy. I've agreed to sign over the house (which I geniunely don't want and has no equity in it) and he is going to sign over my SUV and I get the pick of what I want in the house, very few exceptions. He still only wants to deal with me through text messages!!! How low is that.

It sucks, but at the same time it doesn't.

[likesmountains 52]

1. It sucks....mine emailed me that he was en route to reconnect with is college girlfriend...

[Critters2]

5. Mine taped a note to the front door, that he was going home to his folks'.

To which I thought "Good. They can have you."

[Danger Mouse]

2. Sounds like he is an odious bastard, and you will enjoy your freedom.

Good for you. :hug:

[mainegreen]

3. Jesus. Some people have no spine.

[Critters2]

4. Wow. Sorry. But it sounds like you've got a good perspective.

Just take care of yourself. You'll find support here. :hug:

[LeftyMom]

6. Sounds like a good thing in the long run.

But get a lawyer's advice before you start signing things and divvying up your stuff. If he's being this generous, he likely knows he's in the shit, which probably means affair, which means you get everything that isn't nailed down if you have a smart lawyer.

[buckettgirl]

13. yes

Mom is helping me find a lawyer tomorrow. And storage unit. I'll probably stay with the parents for a couple of months to get some paychecks under my belt (I just started a new job and don't get my first full paycheck for 3 weeks).

[Liberal_in_LA]

36. You might be due spousal support.

[Liberal_in_LA]

35. agreed! DON"T SIGN without advice.

[The Straight Story]

7. Understand what you are going through

up and down with my wife right now, more down tonight than up and I am at my dad's house.

Similar issues - lots of anger, previous abuse as a child, etc and so on.

Long story.

[flvegan]

8. First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Although it seems like you're taking it in stride and you are seeing this in a "good light" for lack of a better term, it still sucks. As "considerate" as he's being, I'd still talk to a lawyer.

Secondly, I was in a mentally abusive relationship. I can remember telling her that I'd rather she just hit me. I felt so incredibly liberated when I was free from her. I hope you have the same experience.

[LeftyMom]

17. God, that sounds familiar.

Except that he did hit me. And worse. But the emotional shit was the worst.

[Breeze54]

9. What a fucking coward!! Gheesh!!

"Sadly, though, I knew this was coming eventually..." - intuition?

4 years ago I opened a money market account in my name only --> SMART WOMAN!!! :woohoo:

and saved a couple thousand dollars in case I had to leave." --> VERY SMART WOMAN!! :woohoo: :woohoo:

But why not make him leave?!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Here... have a beer on me.. :toast: ...

Been there, done that and more than once and worse. :(

But, I survived and you will too! :hug:

Consider yourself lucky!

[buckettgirl]

15. I didn't leave because he "kicked" me out

I left because I don't want to be there. I like my house, but I don't want it - it is a reminder of too many promises, too many lies, and too many tears.

Our house is in his hometown, which I never really wanted to move to, but agreed to because he wanted to be near his mom. If I can get out of this without having to worry about the house, that will be best. My name is on the title only - I am not on the loan at all. Funny thing is, without my income, he can't afford the house payments.

[CreekDog]

28. it's half yours

not that you have to live there but i would not walk away empty handed.

i'm sorry this has happened to you though i hope this is a new beginning of something better.

[FloridaJudy]

10. You're well rid of him.

But I imagine it still hurts like hell.

[leftofthedial]

11. I'm sorry for the pain

why do *you* have to leave the house?

[Symarip]

12. That sucks.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I know what you're going through, to some degree. My wife left me when I was out at sea. I thought everything was A-Ok and one day I get a letter saying it's over. Insult to injury was coming home months later to a heap of shit, financially and emotionally. Everything was ruined and my life as I had come to know it was unrecognizable.

Keep your head up. It'll get better.

[ThomCat]

14. I am really, really sorry.

Nobody should have to live like that. :(

I hope you can really grow and recover from living in that kind of environment. I hope he recovers from his issues and problems. But from the sound of it, I'm glad you're out of there. :hug:

[Inspired]

16. It does suck but you'll look back someday and be relieved you got out of this mess.

[elshiva]

18. Sorry.

:hug: :hug:

[buzzycrumbhunger]

19. Harumpf

Emotional abuse IS worse than physical abuse (ask me how I know). It's more insidious because it sneaks up on you and you don't even realize that pieces of yourself are being chipped away. Probably doesn't help much at this moment, but trust me--it's much better to know now than to sacrifice 20 years to such an arsehole before it happens. At least this way, you have less time travel to recreate your life the way you prefer it to turn out.

And with a little karmic justice, he will come back in the next life as a herpes virus or a dung beetle. :evilgrin:

[supernova]

20. Sounds like my ex

He was emotionally abused as a child and turned around and abused me in our marriage. He had all kinds of emotional problems that he found difficult to cope with and, as a result, I did too.

I left though so that his behavior would not harm me long term.

It's hard but you're smart and in a few years, it will look like the best thing to have happened, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

:hug:

[BlueIris]

21. Thank god you're away from him. Stay safe (and DON'T go back). nt

[buckettgirl]

24. all our friends thought he was bluffing -

the problem is, I wasn't.
This isn't the first time he has pulled crap like this - just so he can get a reaction.
but I swore if he ever said it again, I was done. And I am. I don't want to do this anymore - the only way it would work is IF he hardcore worked on his issues and sought help for mental health issues - which he will never do. I think he is probably borderline personality disorder.

He would never hit me (I know lots of women say that, but there is a backstory to that). But boy, I would sure like to bitch-slap him. Once and for all - I really do wish I would have done that years ago.
I finally called him today (he hadn't heard from me since he called to tell all this monday evening) to tell him that he needed to transfer all the utilities to his name by tomorrow afternoon, cuz if he don't, everything is going to be shut off. At least no one can say I am a cold-hearted bitch - I did give him 24 hour notice.

[CreekDog]

29. you don't have to teach him that actions have consequences

but wouldn't it be nice to know that he's learned he can't dish out this kind of crap and get away with it anymore?

you helped him in that regard.

[harmonicon]

22. man, I'm really really sorry

That totally sucks. A few months ago, my girlfriend dumped me via phone. We had a normal conversation for awhile, then almost out of nowhere, she just said that she didn't want to see me anymore - after being together for nearly 4 years. I asked if we could talk about it, she said "no", and hung up. No text messages, no calls, no emails or anything since then. She's just done.

I'm still horribly broken up about it, but I guess I maybe wasn't as ready for it as you were. I'm really horribly sorry. That totally sucks.... I wish I could say something, apart from just that I empathize, and I'm sorry.

:hug:

[crim son]

23. He sounds like a coward.

That doesn't matter; what matters is that you are having to pay a huge price for his issues. I'm going very slowly through a divorce for reasons of mental and occasional physical abuse and it's HARD. But it's good, especially if there are children involved. As somebody already posted, you will find plenty of support at DU, some of it a bit off base but almost always well-meaning. :hug:

[buckettgirl]

25. OH - NO! No children! we did not have kids.

Thank god for that - he refused to have kids because he had a son die at 2 months old (this was 10 years ago) and therefore believed any children he had would die too.

[crim son]

26. Awww. That's an incredible burden.

I guess it's a good thing there were no children. Have you ever wanted any?

[buckettgirl]

37. I didn't at first, but

a few years ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I *need* to be a mom. he never accepted that, and I wasn't ever going to force him to be a father again.

[Zavulon]

27. I know this sucks, but based on the last part of your post I'd honestly say that

you got off light. It might not seem that way to you now, but from my outsider's viewpoint I'd bet that a few years from now, you'll look back on this day as one of the best in your life. The inevitable came, it wasn't nearly as unpleasant or financially damaging as it could have been, and you're free from a massive anvil that was hanging around your neck and bringing you down.

In one very significant way, I'm actually very happy for you. You'll be better off, believe me.

[originalpckelly]

30. Two things people shouldn't do via text: fatherhood and divorce...

I've been a victim of the former, though thankfully it was a false alarm. Texting is a cold and cruel way to communicate with someone.

FUCK TEXTING!

[Sultana]

31. Aww, so sorry

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

32. Get an attorney. Get one immediately.

Don't make decisions based on emotions only. Later, you'll regret it.

That's the only advice I have besides take good care of yourself.. and be your best friend. :hug:

p.s., It was very smart of you to stash some money away for a rainy day. More women should do that. Men too, for that matter.

[dem629]

33. I'm so sorry to hear that. But at the same time it does sound like you recognize the

positives in it, so that's good.

I hope you find true happiness and peace.

[Arugula Latte]

34. Please stay strong and do not go back to him under any circumstances.

He needs to deal with his own mess now.

Hang in there; I'm glad you are free. It is definitely for the best. Sometimes it is far more lonely to be in a relationship than to be alone.

[Shell Beau]

38. I hope this ends up being a really good thing. I am so sorry. This has to be so hard.

Epsecially when you didn't see it coming. :hug:

[redqueen]

39. Damn, that's cold.

If he has those issues though, from serious abuse in childhood, well... he probably needs to do a lot of work on himself, and if he's not willing to do that, there's not much you can do.

Good luck. :hug:

[BlueJazz]

40. For what it's worth...I think this was a Good Day for you.

:)

All the Best !