Oil Change

[DearAbby]

Oil Change instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.




2) Drink a cup of coffee, read paper in comfortable waiting room.




3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle (Oil,filter changed, lubed, all fluids checked and filled. Windows washed, interior of car vacuumed). Safety check performed.







Money spent:

Oil Change:

$28.95
Coffee: Free

Total: $28.95
==========




Oil Change instructions for Men :




1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.




2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.




3) Open a beer and drink it.




4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.




5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.




6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.




7) Place drain pan under engine.




8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.




9) Give up and use crescent wrench.




10) Unscrew drain plug.




11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.




12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.




13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.




14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.




15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.




16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.




17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.




18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.




19) Remember drain plug from step 11.




20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.




21) Drink beer.




22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.




23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.




24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.




25) Begin cussing fit.




26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.




27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.




29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.




30) Beer.




31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.




32) Beer.




33) Lower car from jack stands.




34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.




35) Beer.




36) Test drive car.




37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.




38) Car gets impounded.




39) Call loving wife, make bail.




40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.







Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

[FloridaJudy]

1. 41) Notice six months later

That there's still a plastic dish pan full of used motor oil sitting in your carport.

Do men think that someday the Used Motor Oil Fairy will come and remove that stuff, leaving a dollar in its place?

[DearAbby]

3. excuse me I burped

[DearAbby]

4. No

they expect it to clean itself by osmosis. Also note they keep it in a place where you can easily tip it over, and then you have to use more kitty litter to get it up off the concrete, kids and dogs track it onto your freshly cleaned carpet...and you then go to jail for smacking the idiot on the back of the head while he was sitting in the recliner in front of the big screen.

[FloridaJudy]

5. *I* ain't touching that stuff!

1) It's nasty.

2) What the heck am I supposed to do with it? You can't pour it down the drain or on your lawn. You're supposed to save it and turn it in on "hazardous waste disposal" day. Like I'm going to put a container of it in my car and drive over to the mall with it? Riiiiight.

[petronius]

2. Heh heh. You said "lube".

;)

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. I don't drink, I know where all my tools are, I take used oil to Kragen to be recycled

and I've worked on my own cars since I was 16.

Five quarts of oil and a filter costs me about $15.



And, yes — I know the job was done right.

[astral]

7. Yah but you're not normal

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. I'm a guy. I give the dealership $25 to change my oil, while I read and enjoy a coffee.

And while they're changing my oil, they rotate my tires, get tires to proper pressure, check tires for wear, check all my fluid levels and level of contaminants in them, and check all the lights.

[flvegan]

9. As a man that's changed my own oil at least 50 times

on cars ranging from Corvettes to a Jag, Benz and Porsche...I've never had that much issue. $15 and an hour, max.

Matter of fact, I enjoyed maintaining my own cars.

[machI]

10. Yes sir, that is a typical weekend for me (except for the part about getting arrested)

I don't drink much anymore, so the the beer part doesn't fit me either.

Five quarts of fully synthetic oil and a premium oil filter can set a person back 35 - 40 dollars with tax.

<>


The job ain't hard if you got the right stuff