Newly Single - Ex Hates My Guts

[Jack_Dawson]

Well...after 9 months of a roller-coaster relationship, I put the kabosh on it last week. My ex-girlfriend is not taking it well at all, telling me I've "abandoned" her and I "won't even fight" for the relationship. She "doesn't even know me anymore." Today she emailed me "Stay the fuck away from me."

I wanted to remain friends, but it doesn't sound like that's going to be possible. She has remained friends with zero (0) ex-boyfriends.

I still love the girl, I really do...but she has long-standing issues with men and won't even consider going to a shrink. At first I thought I could "fix" her but I've more or less abandoned that belief.

Should I even attempt to remain close or just give it up entirely? I feel guilty and depressed. :cry:

[LynneSin]

1. Her loss - move on buddy

Seriously!!!

Women who act like that are a plague on relationships. You may not realize it now, but some poor sucker down the line is going to feel sorry and propose to her and she'll make his life miserable.

[liberalhistorian]

30. I agree totally,

as a gal who's had boyfriends like that in the past, ones I went back to because I felt sorry for them and didn't want to hurt them, when that was the WRONG thing to do, for both of us. It took years to get rid of one, sometimes I'd get up to three letters or phone calls A DAY from him.

Jack, I'm really sorry, you deserve so much better. And you WILL find it some day, I'm sure. You definitely did the right thing, as much as it sucks right now I'm sure you'll soon realize that.

And I'm one of those people who really don't think it's a good idea to remain friends with an ex, even if it was a friendly breakup. Unless there are children involved, of course. It just causes too many problems.

[Jack_Dawson]

31. Thanks Lib

That's some good perspective for me.

[TXlib]

2. From what little you've told us of the relationship,

I'd say it wasn't your fault.

Especially since she is not on speaking terms with any of her exes.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

3. Don't know enough

I wish I could help you, but you don't really tell us why you broke up with her. What's her long-standing issues with men? Does she not trust you? Does she not trust herself? I'd love to help you in any way I can, but there's not enough to really go on here. If you'd prefer, feel free to IM or email me.

[Blue-Jay]

4. "Let's remain friends"....

That's one of the most difficult things in the universe. Just call it the end, and stay the fuck away from her for at least a while. Maybe when she stops hurting a friendship can be rekindled. Don't try to force the matter, though. Too many feelings still in play.

[arcos]

14. exactly...

the WORST thing someone can do is "force" a friendship after breaking up a relationship. It hurts a lot to have the other person say "but let's be friends!" and act like nothing ever happened before.

[TXlib]

5. Also...

Don't ever get into a relationship with a 'fixer-upper'.

Somebody who you feel you need to fix is not a good romantic prospect.

Become a psychiatrist/psychologist if you feel the need to help others in this manner... but don't take your work home with you!

[supernova]

6. Leave her be

she's acting out on you so there's no point in suffering through that. And it's good you learned you can't "fix her." It's not an SO's job to fix another person. They have to be content with themselves first. And she's not.

Just take care your yourself now Jack. Hang out with your friends. Keep your mind on school or work, however old you are.

[Snow]

7. You can't fix people -

never go into a relationship with that in mind; it's not going to happen.

[felonious thunk]

8. It'll be better for her if you give it up I think

It'll help her move on if you just let her think you to be the asshole and not give her any reason to believe that you want her back. She sounds like she's trying to first guilt you into taking her back and then threaten you with never seeing her again.

It's probably best for both of you if you just let go for now, and in a while maybe you actually could be friends. But not now.

[Jack_Dawson]

20. Good advice

Guess I'll have to be the bad guy. Doesn't really come naturally but OK. :-)

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

9. Can you spell

M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-E

[LuLu550]

10. Sorry, but it sounds like it will be better for you

You have a lot to offer...after all, you support Wes Clark!
Seriously, sounds like it is time to move on. And if it makes you feel any better, my ex-husband still hates me after 13 years!

[Jack_Dawson]

12. LOL

for some reason your last line made me laugh. Damn I don't want her to hate me, but maybe there's no getting out of it. This sux.

[mmm]

11. Move along

you have to live your life, too

[Love Bug]

13. "Let's stay friends" almost never works

Just my observation from my own experience and watching my friends and their breakups.

Rarely can a couple break up and remain "friends." Usually one of the parties (generally the one who was dumped) will continue to hope the relationship can be repaired. I think it's possible for the couple to become friends after a great deal of time and healing has passed, but before that, it doesn't work.

In my experience when one party asks if they can still be friends, that's usually a euphemism for either "Don't hate me because I dumped you." or "I'm hoping if we still hang out you'll want me back."

YMMV

[arcos]

18. exactly! n/t

[Habibi]

22. Well . . .

I've remained friends with my exes. Yes, initially it was difficult, but I didn't stop loving them just because one or the other of us realized the relationship wasn't going to work out.

Understand that she is in pain right now, and will need some time to adjust. If you really want to be friends, communicate to her that you will be there for her as a friend would. If she wants you to "stay the fuck away" from her, do that, after you've let her know that if she needs you, you'll be there. (I mean "needs" in a friendship way--willing to listen, willing to come rescue her if she's stranded with a flat tire, that sort of thing.)

I know this is painful for you, too. Try to take care of yourself as well.

[Jack_Dawson]

23. Thanks Mmarke - good advice.

[NC_Nurse]

15. When a relationship is having problems

and one person isn't willing to get help like counseling or whatever is available, then THEY'VE made the choice. Sounds like you're doing the best thing.

If she changes her mind and wants to try a shrink, you might want to give it another whirl. It takes two willing people to make a relationship work, everybody has issues. If you're both willing to work on yourselves, great, if not, move on. Guilt is a useless emotion.

[BlueJazz]

16. She's had a lifetime to "cement" her inner being and

I'm sorry, my fellow DU'er, but you're not going to change that without a lot of heartache and hassel to yourself. I've been there... :)

[VOX]

17. Walk on...

When these things end, it's so sad. There's an inevitable power-loss for the "leavee," which she is, and that's why she's really on the defensive now.

Obviously you care for her, and the implication here is not that you're heartless, but you can't be responsible for her issues -- that's her deal.

Best to say goodbye, break contact, and walk on.

Take care --

[slor]

19. How about you BOTH...

seek help with a counselor. By your own admission, you do "love" her, fight for it if it is real my friend!

[Padraig18]

21. One word, Jack: "Next!"

These 'Let's stay friends' things almost never work out, in my experience...

[Samurai_Writer]

24. Whenver anyone says...

"Stay the FUCK away from me!"

Take them at their word. Move on, dude, she is NOT worth any more time or energy from you.

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. Her loss..I'd take her advice and "stay the f--k away" for your own

good...not hers. Good luck Jack. :hug:

[Melsky]

26. Move along

If she's remained friends with 0 ex-boyfriends, odds are she's not going to remain friends with you.

[Jack_Dawson]

27. Easier said than done

But of course I know you're right.

[Plaid Adder]

28. If she has zero ex-boyfriend friends...

...odds are you're not gonna break the trend. Alas.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[mykpart]

29. Never, ever get involved, even as friends,

with someone you feel needs "fixing."

[Cheswick2.0]

32. Why would she want to be friends with you?

Some tough love here Jack. When someone wants to be friends after dumping the other person it is usually more about their self image as the "good guy" than about the person they dumped. You hurt her and in this case you don't get to be the good guy (not to her). Yes you have a right to end a relationship. You don't have a right to continuing seeking approval from someone you have harmed. Make no mistake, telling some one they need to be fixed (whether you verbalized it or not, she knew you felt that way)and then dumping them is not an act of friendship.

Leave her alone, you are only thinking of yourself. Don't feel guilty, learn from your mistakes.

[Jack_Dawson]

34. Ouch

Do you really think my motives are that shallow? Sure I don't want anyone to hate me but I realize if I'm breaking up, then I'm going to be perceived as the jerk. But I think the overriding concern is I genuinely care about her and don't want her thinking I've "abandoned" her.

Guess there's no way to really "win" this situation. Thanks for your input.

JD

[Heyo]

33. Let it go..

It's not worth it. Trust me. Ive been there.