1st Ref. C of V issues statement on Haiti

[Robb]

PRESS RELEASE

Contact: Dingbat, First Reformed Church of Volume

"On the matter of Haiti, and the ousting of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, the Church of Volume wishes to make its own position clear.

"It has become apparent that the obvious resolution to this crisis has been ignored by all but our church members. Simply put, we recommend immersing in water Aristide, Supreme Court Chief Justice Boniface Alexandre, and Prime Minister Yvon Neptune. This, of course, is for the purpose of determining how much water they displace.

"Whoever is proven to have the greatest volume should rule, in his own greater holiness. There does not seem to be any reason to believe any of these men are clowns, so this exception does not apply.

"We at the Church of Volume sincerely hope our own efforts will lead to a peaceful resolution in Haiti, and throughout the world. It should be noted that while we feel certain any of the Democratic candidates (with the exception of Dennis Kucinich) will displace more water than George W. Bush, we cannot make any recommendations until such time as we can immerse them all.

"Thank you, and may you remain safe from clowns."

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