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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In
fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door,
where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's
rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn in to an
eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's almost Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it
on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with
gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why
bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If
you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice
of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples
and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to
have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some scruples.
****Please disregard Para (9). (I like fruitcake and have already
purchased two boxes)****
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't
been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to
live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
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