How would you respond to the MOST obnoxious christmas card ever?

[Amelie]

I have an acquaintance who I see once or twice a year who sends me a christmas "card" every year. I say "card" because it's actually an eight and a half inch sheet of paper, single-spaced, usually in 6 point font. I read them because they are so jaw-droppingly braggadocios it's funny. This year tops them all. She wrote, and I am not making this up, about some recent hurricane damage to her house:

"As I write this, I am awaiting the final verdict on how "good" Allstate's "hands" really are, compared to my $16,000 in roof damages. With a 5% hurricane deductible, I'm not holding my breath for those hands to be all that helpful. And, that's ok, because God gave me a new salary with my new job that coincided with the storm event, so I do not need to worry about where I will get the cash for my roof. Thank you Jesus, and Happy Birthday."

Keep in mind this is less than one inch out of eight and a half of text. The rest is just as bad.

How would you respond? I'm going to see her on Wednesday, and could say something then. But I'm thinking about making up a family, and sending her a letter in five point font, with one of those plastic magnifying glasses old people use to read menus. The letter would either be obnoxiously over-the-top bragging like hers, or over-the-top misery (cancer came back, blind dog died, husband lost arm, deaf child suffered head injury, etc).

Oh, and how weird is this: Every year, they adopt a dog. At the end of the year, they give it away and adopt a new one. Creepy or what?

[Orrex]

1. My suggestion?

"I write this with a heavy heart, knowing that it may be the last Christmas card I send. I honestly expected to be acquitted, but it didn't work out that way, as you've probably heard. I'll appeal, of course, but my court-appointed lawyer warned me that my chances aren't great. I really should have done my research and gone to a state without the death penalty. I shouldn't complain, though, because I have my own room and no one bothers me. And if the appeal doesn't go through, then I won't even have to stay in this room much longer.

Thank you Jesus, and Happy Birthday."


Just let them try to top that.


And welcome to DU, by the way!
:hi:

[Amelie]

2. Thanks!

I wonder if I could get that mailed from a prison. I don't live very far from Angola.

I mostly lurk. I just couldn't resist sharing this.

[Lil Missy]

3. I used to get tiny print emails like that. I'd send it back, and

tell them I wear bifocals and cannot read print that tiny. (Which is true.) And also to lose the fancy colors and background on the message.

What's even more irritating is to get a 3 page message without a single paragraph break! I send those back too, and suggest that "whitespace" is your friend.

[flvegan]

4. When I saw her on Wednesday, I'd have a printout of that "card"

and I'd sit down across from her, pull out that "card" and say, "I appreciate this card of yours, and..." at which point I would crinkle it up in both hands into a fine sphere, and throw it in her face. I'd continue with, "fuck you and the horse you sucked off to carry you here."

I get mean when people are unkind to dogs.

[Amelie]

6. Can you believe the dog thing?

I can see getting a car knowing that you're going to give it up and get a new one at the end of the year...but a pet? That's just serial-killer creepy. I even get attached to our fish.

[Radical Activist]

5. Are you going to put your name on this card?

Or is this an anonymous fake letter/family?

And what's the point of adopting a dog for a year? Do they get bored with them quickly? I hope they don't have kids. It's a good way to teach them to never get attached to anything or anyone.

[Amelie]

8. No; Fake Family

They have FOUR kids. And you're right. It's a good way to teach them friends are useful until disposable. And how cruel is that for the kids? If my parents had just up and given away our pets every year, I would have been devastated. And I probably would have wondered what would happen to me if I ever outlived their pleasure.

[Radical Activist]

9. As soon as the kids get attched the dog is gone.

The kids will be fucked up and seeing psychiatrists for years trying to figure out why they can't trust anyone in a relationship. WTF

You need a Christmas card with a long story about someone's abandonment issues, how they got divorced recently after a 6 month marriage, can't keep friends, going into rehab for various addictions, all because his/her parents kept giving away family pets.

[davsand]

7. It is what they DON'T say that I love about those letters.

"Dale is doing just fine we think he'll probably get the bullet out sometime this spring."

"The twins are growing and the docs think they will retry the operation will just as soon as they get that new scanning machine at the local hospital. We are praying it will be a success."

"Who KNEW that a ceiling fan would do that?"

"We think the puppies will be big and gray."

"Holland was a blast, but that trip to the jail was NO fun at all."

----
We used to get one of "those" letters every year from one of my husband's family members. Literally, there were years in there where we were crying because it was just SO painfully funny to read. Sadly, they stopped coming a couple of years ago.

We are praying for their safe return.

:evilgrin:


Laura

[Amelie]

10. Oh, of course

Last year, we learned that their 2007 Lexus just couldn't handle all the hard driving to and fro for all the many extracurricular activities of their very successful children and their many successful friends, so they had to opt for a more practical vehicle to accommodate the sports and dance gear for the kids' championship tournaments. Ooops; they forgot to mention that the bank needed that Lexus back because someone couldn't make payments.

If you really miss your letters, I'll scan hers and send it to you so you can get some laughs. In our house, it's a family event; we can't wait to get them.

[LibDemAlways]

11. I don't respond at all. It's impossible to fathom why

some people feel the need to share the most boring details of their lives with people they rarely see. Every year we get a card from a guy my husband worked with a decade ago. He and his wife and daughter have moved several times since, and they now live in a different state. Nevertheless we receive the Christmas letter like clockwork every December and get to read all about their daughter's school schedule, names of her teachers, current grades, specifics of extra-curricular activities including what part she played in a children's theatre play over the summer. We get the scoop on both the husband's and wife's current jobs including detailed description of job related duties. Then we get information about their extended families including siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. One year we got a blow by blow description of a cousin's wedding they had attended. It's all very bizarre, but if it makes them happy, I suppose it's pretty harmless. I just shake my head and let it go.

[moriah]

12. Are they fostering service dogs?

Some people foster puppies, raise them, and then when they're grown they leave and go for training either as seeing eye dogs, police dogs, bomb sniffing dogs, search-and-rescue dogs, etc....

[Amelie]

16. No; they adopt a PET and then give it away at the end of the year

It's just bizarre. Last year they had (hold on; let me consult the letter) a pug. This year they got a Peagle (Pekingese/Beagle).

I'm with you; if they were taking in dogs to train as service dogs or to rehabilitate to be adoptable, that's all good. But they get a dog to have as a pet, and then give it away at the end of the year. I don't know how they do it. As annoying as my yappy dogs are, I couldn't just give them away. Good grief, they're a part of my family.

[Skittles]

13. ask her why God allows people to be killed in hurricanes

but pays her for her roof damage

[SoDesuKa]

14. Ignore It

I'd say ignore it. Some people just don't have any sense. Their hearts may be in the right place, but they just can't see the effect of their actions on other people. Just shrug and say, Nice people. Too bad they send such a lousy Christmas card and leave it at that.

[krispos42]

15. Ask her why God wants her to work more ( or work harder) and not net any more income

"Why does God want to keep your income level?"


"So, God's negating your raises with more out-of-pocket expenses. Why doesn't he want you to get ahead? I'd get everybody screened for cancer if your husband gets a bonus."

[kentauros]

17. How about a Francis E. Dec transcript?

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2005/05/gangster_comput.html

:P

[Sanity Claws]

18. Why are you friends/acquaintances with her?

If you don't like her, don't see her. In fact, if you don't respond, she will eventually drop you from her card list.
Saying something to her probably won't make a difference. There is something emotionally wrong with someone who could continually give away dogs.

[Amelie]

21. It's a complicated family connection

And I can't really avoid her unless I skip christmas and easter with family. Here's the connection: My brother is married to a very nice woman. This woman has a very nice brother. Brother has a so-so wife, who has a freak sister. Freak sister and family show up at many family functions where extended family are. How I got on her list, I don't know; we exchange about two dozen words a year. I think she's just a braggart.

[av8rdave]

19. I would respond with...

An even lengthier, overly detailed one of my own. Make it as sarcastic and funny as possible - I'll bet someone that self absorbed won't get it anyway.

I only send Christmas newsletters to those who send them to me. Mine is all pictures, with just a caption or two - that provides all the news anyone would want, and I think people actually enjoy getting pictures (as opposed to unending novels about every little detail in life).

The dog thing might not be as strange as it sounds. We fostered dogs for a rescue agency for several years. They would be with us for anywhere from a couple of months to the better part of a year until a good home was found for them. It's rewarding, but really hard when it's time to send one off to his/her new home.

Welcome to DU and happy holidays!

[Amelie]

22. That's what I was thinking of doing

Just a completely obnoxious letter about vacations on the yacht, the hassle of boarding schools, the laziness of my personal trainer, and oh, how hard it is to find good help these days.

Sadly, I don't think she's fostering dogs. Her letters don't indicate any kind of bittersweet moments when she gets rid of them. She also doesn't describe where the dogs go (which I would do if I were fostering dogs; it would be a proud moment to find the perfect family for a dog).

[Pacifist Patriot]

20. So hard not to play armchair pastoral counselor with this one but that dog thing...

speaks to massive dysfunction within that family system! If that isn't a presenting symptom I don't know what is.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't even mention it. If she asked if I got it I'd say yes and leave it at that. I have found that tends to drive people like this insane.

[JoDog]

23. Ignore it

By mentioning it, you are only reinforcing her bad behavior. If she asks you about the letter, tell her that you thought it was junk mail and tossed it. Because it is junk mail to you.

While writing an outrageously over the top letter back bragging about vacations on the yacht, winning the lottery, have 10 kids, etc. sounds like fun, I doubt the woman in question would get that you are mocking her. People who are dumb/despirate/tasteless enough to show up at gatherings for a family that they are only tenuously related to probably would miss the point of your response.

How is it that any animal shelter would even allow this family to adopt any dog at this point? If you really want to get her, inform (in writing) every animal shelter, humane society, etc. in her area of what she's doing (with her picture, if you have it). Yes, it would take more time, but ultimately do more good.

[Rabrrrrrr]

24. Send her a family letter filled with every vomit, diarrhea, surgery, painful rectal itch, and nasty

thing that happened to your family over the year, using her own text as the template.

[gmoney]

25. Send her a card signed by all the discarded doggies...

"Thank you for the early release... our new families are much more loving and blessed. Except for Rover, who had to be put down because the shelter couldn't find a new home for him. Merry Christmas, B**ch!"

[Amelie]

26. To say one good thing about her

I think she does actually find a home for them before she gives them away, although I can't guarantee the quality of the home.