When does one give up on a friend?

[midnight armadillo]

The situation, in a nutshell: one of my very best friends from college (occasional roommate too, we graduated about 10 years ago) who lives a few towns away about 30 months ago vanished off of everyone's radar screens. He was still working at the sample place etc just not answering emails, phone calls, and the like. After 12 months he re-surfaces, and tells a harrowing tale of family strife, his near-fiance sleeping with a mutual friend of theirs, and real deep depression. He would see us on caller ID when we called and wouldn't be able to even pick up the phone. Everything seems ok, he profusely apologizes for being out of touch, and then about 15 months ago he starts taking a long time to respond to messages...and then once again drops out of our circle of friends lives again.

So, over 1 year of complete radio silence. We have no idea what's going on.

Do I give up on one of the best, closest friends I've ever had after all this? It's starting to seem a little futile to keep sending off the occasional email or phone message. I would just drop by his place but don't actually have his current address. <sigh>

While this is not quite appropriate, since he's still alive, a Robert Frost poem comes to mind...
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

[billyskank]

1. There's no rule. Give up on him if you want to. Don't if you don't.

What matters is what you want.

[Xipe Totec]

2. If you're asking, you've already given up

but you feel guilty about it; that's normal.

This is not a question that anybody can answer for you.

[crispini]

3. Just ping him every now and then, that's all you can do.

It's minimal effort to send an email or call every couple of months, and if he doesn't respond, then obviously your frequency is naturally going to drop down, but I'd still keep pinging him every once in awhile.

[skygazer]

4. Perhaps he's going through another period of depression

As someone who has experienced this, I can tell you that the last thing you want to do is inflict your misery on your friends. And in fact, it's hard to deal with anyone anyway, no matter how much you care about them.

If you think he's just blowing you off, maybe it's time to give up on him.

But if you think he might be experiencing cyclical depression, and you still care about him, keep sending those occasional messages. Believe me, when all is dark and miserable, it's nice to know that there are those who care. Even if you're unable to respond to them.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

12. Having been there, too,

I second what skygazer wrote. Absolutely right on. You wouldn't give up on a friend who was sick in a hospital and unable to tolerate visitors, would you?

Just let him know, maybe even via snail mail, which causes a lot less anxiety to the recipient, and which might also show the depth of your concern and affection, that you're thinking of him. It might make him feel bad - because he's helpless to do anything to change the situation - but, ultimately, it's a good thing to do.

Well done, skygazer.

:toast:

[Dangerously Amused]

15. Thirded.

[Haole Girl]

5. I just found this thread interesting

What is the reason, exactly, why you would terminate his friendship? Are you offended when they drop out of sight and then come back into your life? If you quit sending emails and phone messages, are you afraid you'll not hear from him when he's ready to reach out again? :shrug:

[bicentennial_baby]

6. I have a best friend, almost 17.5 years now...

We've gone without talking for 2-3 years at one point, months, days, etc. It ebbs and flows, depending on life circumstances. I wouldn't give up on him for anything though.

:)

[harmonicon]

7. what's your beef?

I get that it's frustrating when we don't always hear back from our friends when we'd like to, but if they're real friends, and they haven't done anything egregiously bad to you, they ought to be friends for life.

If you're really concerned, make a call or send an email asking for his address, and tell him that you'd like to stop by and talk. Depression is a bitch. It's good to have friends when one's depressed - it can take me weeks or months to write back to my friends when I'm depressed, but I'm always glad to hear from them.

[midnight armadillo]

10. Despair, mostly

I fear he's depressed again, and me and the rest of the group of friends worry about the guy, you know? I've lost friends before, usually due to distance and time, once due to mutual stupid mistakes, and I'd like not to repeat that experience here.

I'll continue sending messages into the void...even the slightest response would be heartening though. Heck, I'd give him a kidney if he asked.

[harmonicon]

11. yeah, it can be hard

I know, because I'm one of those people that it can be hard to be friends with - sometimes I just disappear, either because I get lost in my own world and forget about things, or because I need to get away from things on purpose.

It really might make a difference if you said you were going to drop by his place - sometimes the prospect of physical contact will get people to pay attention in a way that a phone or email message wouldn't.

[fizzgig]

8. i agree with skygazer

i've gone through those phases before where i don't want to talk to anyone because i don't feel like good company or don't have anything to say.

drop him a line now and again to see how he's doing.

[undeterred]

9. You sound like you have contempt for him.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. never. --

Just because you are not actively in someone's life does not mean that you don't care for them or that you have lost feelings for them.

[Ivan Sputnik]

14. I sympathize

I'm in a similar situation with a friend who does not reply to e-mails. I think I understand why -- he's embarrassed about his situation. I wouldn't give up if you think he might come around eventually. Send an occasional e-mail, one that doesn't criticize or necessarily demand a response, to let him know you're still out there and open to the relationship. That's about all you can do, I think.