Talk me down. I can't do this any more.

[CTyankee]

I have tried being very "adult" about always running into my ex husband when I go to visit the grandkids. Today I told my daughter I didn't want to see him yet again when I come up next weekend to see my granddaughter in a play. She doesn't like any dissension but I just can't take it any more. From now on it must be separate visits and separate attendance at plays (we can't do anything about recitals and sports events).

He and his wife are up there all the time when I come up. Thanksgiving was terrible but XMas really capped it for me. He was there MOST of the time (he has moved closer to them as he is retired -- if you'd call it that, he ws almost prosecuted for not paying taxes and was and is still being sued for his business shenanigans in Virginia).

It's fine that he wants to lavish on the grandkids after not being so attentive on them when they were little and of course, not a good father either. I guess it's his old age. But I can't listen to him any more and I can't stand to be around him. My daughter doesn't get it. During and after the divorce she had wanted everybody to be "friends." I've given up that fantasy.

I think that I am now the skunk at the picnic but I realize I can't do this any more. It is causing pvcs after each visit. Guess I'll be the skunk and insist on separate visits and just hope for the best. AFter all those early years with the girls whenthey were babies and toddlers I've now got these older kids who just see grandpa as the friendly old guy who takes them to Red Sox games. I can't compete on those grounds but it looks like I can't compete much at all...

[bicentennial_baby]

1. That sounds really tough...

:hug: I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this.

:)

[CTyankee]

3. Thanks. I "forced" my husband to visit on Thanksgiving and Xmas but

this Xmas he had just been diagnosed with some heart problems and said he couldn't take the stress so I went alone. I didn't realize how lonely it was, being there by myself with my ex barging in on Xmas day and the day after (even tho he had had them over on Xmas eve).

I certainly won't give up going to see my grandkids but I've laid down the markers and I will again until it hits home. I spent several nights awake and unable to sleep due to these annoying pvc's (premature ventricular contractions of the heart which are not serious when you have them at rest but they interrupt sleep), all a result of that Xmas holiday. I never want to go through that again. Nor can I. I have too much stress as it is.

[Dangerously Amused]

2. It sounds like you are apologizing for your feelings.

No need. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are, and there is a reason for all of them even if that reason is not clear at the outset, or to everyone involved.

Your heart is telling you what you need to do to make a bad situation better/tolerable for you. No shame in doing exactly that.

When you are happier with the situation, others will be happier when they are with you. Everybody wins.


Edit: typo

[CTyankee]

4. Thank you. Yes, it just "came to me" that this was making me suffer and I didn't need it.

It's too bad that by leveling with my daughter I brought anger down on me...

[auntAgonist]

5. I would like to echo this post and add

that you are WELL within your rights to say what YOU need in this situation.

I'm really sorry it's been so hard :(

:hug:

aA

[Bunny]

6. There's nothing wrong with setting some boundaries.

Do what gives you the most peace of mind.

[trof]

7. I feel for ya. Been there.

My son-in-law's parents divorced when he was a youngster.
It was...'unpleasant'.
His dad is a jerk.
His mom actually gets palpitations if she even has to consider spending time in her ex's presence.
The dad is oblivious.

My daughter's wedding was a goddam command performance, tour de force, ballet on egg shells, trying to arrange the church seating and reception dinner so they would have little or no contact.

My s-i-l understands.
He has Christmas with his dad and his dad's current wife the week end before the event.
His mom comes for a few days visit including Christmas day.
She lives 2000 miles away.
NEVER the twain shall meet.

Your kids should understand your feelings.

I don't know how old you are, but here's one of my RULES:
If you're 60 or over, "I DON'T WANT TO" is a perfectly good reason.
No further explanation required.
;-)

[CTyankee]

8. I am over 60 and I do understand your reason but I don't want to miss out.

I want a continuing prescence in my grandkids lives so I must ask for separate visitations. But my dtr is not happy with my wanting this, so the ex gets more love and acceptance. I have a bad choice here.

I willhave to make it clear: separate is best. Let's just try for that. I have already told her I don't want to be around him or his wife. So we'll just have to enforce this, I guess...

[trof]

9. Sorry. I don't understand your daughter.

Of course you want to be with your grandkids.
Especially at Christmas.
She should be able to understand the reasons for your desire not to be around your ex.
Again, I'm sorry she apparently doesn't.

[CTyankee]

10. It's all about her reaction to the divorce. She wanted total peace and calm.

She was a teenager at the time. She needed to be reassured that all was well, and I did that. I did not raise the issue of infidelity in the divorce; it was a no fault divorce. I thought it was best to keep the peace. I wanted the kids to have the best, most tranquil time possible. I then discovered my ex husband's girl friend's brother was a IRS agent and he had toldher to insist on having my child support listed as alimony so I paid taxes on it. At that point, I was so anxious to be rid of an emotionally abusive relationship I agreed. That, of course, reduced my income and that of my kids at home who needed every dime I had.

I would really like an apology from both of them, at this point. REally. I mean it. I want them to apologize to me and to my children for denying me income to care for them. I am still upset all these years later.

[trof]

11. I understand your actions.

My parents divorced when I was 4.
As I learned, years after my mother died, infidelity was the cause.
It was a wartime thing.
WWII.

I never saw my father again, and my mother never said anything bad about him.

If you haven't already, I think you need to sit down with your daughter and have a heart-to-heart about the circumstances concerning your divorce.
And why you never want to see this man again.

Just my two cents.

[SeattleGirl]

12. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you want.

Your daughter wanted peace and all, and there's nothing wrong with that either, but she needs to understand that being around your ex is NOT peaceful for you; it is quite the opposite.

It's not like you're bad-mouthing the ex to your daughter or anything. She is an adult, and this situation is not just about her and what she wishes. I wish you luck with this situation, CT.

[CTyankee]

15. I did inform her about the upcoming play situation, so she knows. She wasn't happy t o hear it.

However, I will keep repeating it to her and she will get the message. I have to stand up for myself here and tell her what this is costing me. I have made that decision. I don't know what she'll do. My guess is that she will agree to my demands...they aren't THAT bad, are they?

[SeattleGirl]

16. They aren't bad in the least!

Again, you aren't badmouthing your ex to her.

And you aren't saying anything totally unreasonable like saying "It's him or me, take your pick" (as in, she can only have one of you in her life).

As I said, she is an adult, and as such, she needs to understand what this situation is doing to you, and that you are trying to do what is best for you in the situation, nothing more, nothing less.

[rcrush]

13. I get pvc's

Its annoying and I Have no medical insurance so I cant do anything about it.

[CTyankee]

14. Even with insurance, I don't think there is anything you can do.

I have meds for my high bp and usually that takes care of it. But this situation has placed mein another category...

[SPKrazy]

17. It is hard

and I think you have a right to ask for what YOU NEED and not feel like you have to do it for your kids since your kids are grown.

My son is 8 and I have to be there and it is a little crazy making once a week at cub scouts where I am a den leader and she has volunteered to be an assistant den leader with two other guys that we all do the den. I'm already so ready to leave when that is over it bothers me. People say "do it for your kid", and I am, but it is damned hard sometimes. I left her because I didn't like being around her and I'm still in situations where I am around her. I could quit cub scouts. Then I'd feel like I was a "bad dad".

Too much time spent worrying about what others think I'm sure.

:hug:

sorry!

[CTyankee]

18. You can't back out on your grandkids. That's the thing. If it were just the two of them, no problem.

I probably would have clocked him and his wife by now, but this is about 3 granddaughters so I can't give in to my great desires to hit himin the face with a pie or something.

I would love to have an apology from them for their transgressions against me during the divorce. After all, they were together and I was a single mom so I feel I was the wronged party...