OK it's been eleven years already...will it EVER quit sucking??

[grannylib]

Eleven years ago today my life changed forever; my firstborn died of injuries suffered in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. And I'm SO FUCKING DEPRESSED.
I lost a job I loved (last day was last Tuesday); my youngest headed back to college today; my middle daughter wasn't able to come home for the holidays at all, and neither were the grandkids...
I'm in the middle of taking down the Christmas stuff, it's so damn depressing already, and I can't quit fucking CRYING.
Damn. I really really hate this. I am not usually a depressed sort of person, but the whole optimism/get over it/the sun will rise tomorrow thing just IS NOT WORKING today.

Thanks for letting me rant.

[flvegan]

1. Sorry to say, but probably not. I am sorry, though

for your loss. It's true what they say about life not being fair.

edit: spelling

[grannylib]

10. Yeah I don't think it really does get better. I mean, the really raw

grief does, I don't think a person could survive and function if it didn't, and the daily stuff does get a little easier as the years go by, but holy shit...I just miss her so damn much.
It's just a bad day.
:hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

2. Oh god, yeah that's way too much to deal with.

I'm sorry life sucks so badly for you right now. I'm glad you feel comfortable discussing it here, though. At least getting it out like this is healthy.

:hug:

Is there anyone nearby who can take you out for a good long in-person talk/cry over coffee or whatever?

[grannylib]

5. Not really, no...I mean, yeah, I've got some friends from where

I used to work, but I live out in the boonies and nobody really nearby.
I'd kill for a drink and a cigarette right now. Or a few and a pack.
Can't even smoke in the damn bars in this state though, and it's near zero, so that's depressing too at the moment...
Maybe I'll skip the drinks and just go for a road cruise for a bit. Alcohol is depressing too.
:hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

29. Well sweet,

I'm no shrink but I would say that whenever the pain gets to be too intense, and there's no one around with whom to talk it out, then it's time to distract yourself with whatever it takes to get you through the difficulty until you find a better time to deal with it. Take a ride (would suggest a walk but it sounds too cold for that), go to the library or a movie, sit in a restaurant or coffee shop and read a book or newspaper and/or eavesdrop on other people's conversations, wander around whatever store is still open, post like a banshee on DU... whatever it takes. And pamper yourself a little before bed, a nice warm bath or whatever will get your mind/body tired and relaxed enough to sleep well, because good sleep is healing on many levels.

Love and peace to you.

:hugs:

[LynzM]

3. Lots of hugs for you...

I can't tell you whether it will ever quit sucking... I can tell you that it's ok to be sad, and to cry, and that you've got open ears here if you want to talk about it... :hug: Love and peace to you.

[grannylib]

6. Thanks...it's just too much at the moment. Sometimes it helps to

think of all the folks in WAY worse shape or facing much more depressing circumstances than I (and I hate whining!!!) but it's just not happening today.
Thanks for the ear though...honest, it does help to have all you nifty people here...:hug:

[NJmaverick]

4. sorry

:hug:

[grannylib]

12. Thanks for listening...it's just really bad today, not sure why this

year is any worse than last year or the year before that (and it probably isn't; this day just sucks every year...along with the odd other days here and there when it's just seemingly unbearable to face her being gone...)

[SPKrazy]

7. Sorry for your losses grannylib

:hug: :hug: :hug:

no words :(

[grannylib]

8. Thanks for the hugs...the support here really does help, can't tell

you how much it means...
It's just a bad day.
:hug:

[Critters2]

9. I'm afraid it'll always suck to some degree. Some days less than others.

Of course, the other stuff on top of your loss is adding to it now, but you know that.

Have a good cry. Scream at God or the universe or that drunk driver or whatever helps. Sream and cry as much as you want! Stop taking down the Christmas stuff, if that's too painful. And have a drink, if that helps. Some days, it doesn't feel like the sun will come up tomorrow--or that you want it too.
I'm sorry you're having one of those days.

Do whatever safely gets you through it. I'm just so sorry. :hug:

[grannylib]

11. Thanks...good advice...I probably will leave the Christmas stuff; I

think Hubby can live with some totes scattered around for a day or so; it's just that having it up is almost as depressing as taking it down right now, if you know what I mean.
I honestly don't know what I'd do without DU! You lovely people really are lifesavers at a time like this. Honest.
:hug:

[Critters2]

13. Technically, Christmas isn't over. So there's your excuse.

My stuff stays up through Epiphany. But I'm anal about stuff like that. Occupational hazard.

[grannylib]

19. Yeah, I used to leave it all up through Epiphany; I'm a PK so we were

pretty anal about that too...
I only left it up this long this year because Sarahbellum was home, and I didn't want to undo it while she was here...

[Arugula Latte]

14. You have experienced the very worst thing that can happen to a human -- losing a child.

I don't have any advice, just ... hang in there, I guess. It's not much. I'm sorry. Life is too hard, sometimes. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and let the seconds, minutes, and hours pass until things get a little brighter.

[grannylib]

20. Thanks, Oregonian...working on it...second by second is exactly how

it is sometimes, when it's just unbearable to think of even an hour longer without her.
:hug:

[trof]

15. Aw...granny?

We had a Crappy Christmas too.
Got weathered out of our road trip (snow, ice, freezing rain) to be with our only child in Boston.
And our two *precious* grandchildren.

And we both came down with a yucky virus.
*cough*hack*snort*
that looks like it will take three weeks to shake.

Christmas Dinner was...
Chicken Soup.

New Year's Eve Celebration was a few Scotches, a chicken salad sandwich, and in bed by 8 o'clock.
Bummer.
Here ya go:
:hug:

[grannylib]

21. Thanks trof...hope you feel better soon...

:hug:

[abq e streeter]

16. Damn--nothing I can possibly say to console you, but hope it helps even a little

to know there are a whole lot of people out here who you'll never know, but who still care, and wish you the best, and hope with all their hearts that you still have many moments of joy and happiness in your life.

[grannylib]

23. It does, honestly...it's why I come here sometimes, and you people

are the best, truly...
The support system here is remarkable, and it really does help!
:hug:

[femmocrat]

17. So sorry, grannylib.

You have been through a hell of a lot and have every reason to feel sad and to rant. I think the holidays are really hard on most people. We are supposed to be all full of cheer and goodwill, but it's really impossible not to miss those who aren't here with us. I hope things get better for you now that the holidays are just about "packed away" for another 11 months.

:hug:

[grannylib]

26. Thanks, femmocrat...it will help after it's all put away, and after Wednesday

is over (anniversary of her funeral) -
these are the two hardest days of the year for me, and I try not to let it get to me, but am rarely successful.
*sigh* I have a big interview on the 8th for a new job, so I'm trying to suck it up and prepare for that, but holy shit, it's been hard this year...
Thanks for your support, honestly...you people really do help!! :hug:

[Shell Beau]

18. I am sooo sorry. It has been 12 years for my mom, and I don't think it quits

sucking. My oldest brother died from a car accident himself. I believe he was drunk.

The holidays, his birthday, mother's day, and his death anniversary are killer days for my mom. She dreads those months in advance.

I will say her heart has lightened up ever since her grandchildren were born.

:hug: I can't imagine!

[grannylib]

27. Yeah, those are all sucky days here too...I'm sorry to hear your family

has dealt with this too :hug: The grandchildren really do help; it's just hard to see them growing up without her, and they were too little when she died to remember her much.
But they sure are the lights of my life...

[Shell Beau]

30. My brother has been sooo good with making his children know who

Bo was. I will do the same for my Bella.

When my brother's second son was born, his daughter was 2. She saw a picture of Bo a couple of months after her brother was born and said Bo makes me laugh. My brother was stunned. He said when did you see Bo. She said he was holding Jackson in the hospital when he was born.

I don't care what anyone says, our loved ones are always with us. :hug:

[grannylib]

33. OMG...I've got goosebumps now. Thanks for telling me that...

When my grandkids were smaller, J (who was 4 at the time) was asking his sister K (5 at the time) about Mommy, and he said, "I know when we die we'll get to see our Mommy in heaven, 'cos that's where she lives with Jesus now, and I know what she looks like, 'cos I've seen her picture, but how am I going to know her voice when she calls my name?"
I nearly dropped; he didn't know I was listening and I cried for a week after that one...but I found some old home movies on VHS and they had sound and I gave them to him so he could see AND hear Mommy. I can't bear to watch them yet; I've tried and it's just not a good thing for me, not yet anyway...but I'll sometimes get up to get a drink or whatever in the wee hours, and will find J awake in the living room, watching his Mommy...

Glad we have those tapes; I really should get them transferred to DVDs before they deteriorate.

[Shell Beau]

45. That is awesome that you do have those tapes.

I often try to remember my brother's voice. That is the one of the hardest things. I don't remember it. I am sorry she left behind children. That must make it that much harder. I hope, though, that you are able to see her through her children. She left a big part of herself. :hug:


My brother was one of those loner types. He almost refused to even take pics, so the ones we have are precious. The first Christmas without him, my brother found this unknown pic and blew it up and framed it for everyone. I remember we all opened that gift at the same time. It was rough. We all lost it. Especially my mom. He was on a path to nowhere. He was 24 and drinking like crazy. He had already been DIShonorably discharged from the Navy. He was coming home drunk everyday. My mom finally told him to get a job and straighten up or get out. That was the last time she saw him. She carries so much guilt because of that. You never know when your last words will really be your last words.

[grannylib]

47. Oh, I'm SO sorry to hear that the last words exchanged were not the

greatest...I'm so sorry. That's one thing that's a HUGE comfort to me; the last words she ever heard out of my mouth were "I love you, Baby" and the last she said to me were "I love you, Mom" and I LIVE on that.
I did some pictures too the first Christmas after she died, in those multi-mat frames, you know? Where you can put about 10-12 pix into one frame? I made one for my folks and my husband's folks, and one for my brother (her godfather, my only sibling). Those pix are so precious. We have very few of her with both the kids; her son was only 18 months old when she died, and we have just 6-7 shots maybe of her with him or with him and his sister.

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom carries such a burden of guilt with your brother; that must be so fucking hard. Clearly she was acting out of love, tough and frustrated love, but love nonetheless...
My heart aches for her. Give her an extra :hug: from me the next time you see her...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. Aw, grannylib

Sometimes everything sucks all at once.

Let your anger and grief out instead of trying to put on a brave Minnesota face. Find a way to pamper yourself.

And by all means, try to make it to the next Minnesota DU gathering!

[grannylib]

28. Good advice, all of it!! Thanks Lydia...I'd go outside and scream but

it's freakin' cold out there.
And I surely hope to be able to make it to a MNDU gathering, and have some face time with some fellow DUers
Thanks for listening...:hug:

[undeterred]

24. I'm so sorry.

No, I don't think the loss of your daughter will ever stop hurting, but over time it will be a little easier to think of her without thinking of her death.

:hug:

I hate drunk driving and we have a lot of it in Wisconsin.

[grannylib]

38. Anywhere there's ANY of it, it's too much.

Thanks for listening, undeterred...
:hug:

[Haole Girl]

25. Oh grannylib...

it will get better. Hold on!

Here is a happy song for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r04SJdyGuRM

:hug:

[grannylib]

36. Thanks KC2...

:hug:

[AirmensMom]

31. Aw, I'm sorry.

Sometimes life really does suck. I hope you can feel better soon. And I hope things improve so you have a reason to feel better. :hug:

[grannylib]

35. Thanks much, AirmensMom (I'm sister to a former airman myself)

:hi:
Interview on Thursday, hoping for a job...that will help...
:hug:

[auntAgonist]

32. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel grannylib

The pain must seem overwhelming at times.
I don't have any wise words for you. Just know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts with lots of good wishes too for better 2009. Good luck to you also in finding gainful employment. Someone out there must need your expertise.

The sun WILL rise tomorrow. But no one has the right to tell you to 'get over it'

:hug: :loveya: :hug:

I wish you peace.


aA
kesha


y'know, your grandkids sure are lucky to have you and your unfailing love for them.

[grannylib]

34. Thank you, auntAgonist...I'm lucky to have them; I don't know if I

would have survived without them. I'm just so damn glad they weren't in the car with her at the time of the accident.

Interview on Thursday, maybe something will work out right and I'll get a damn job...
:hug:

[auntAgonist]

37. awesome GOOD vibes coming your way and especially on Thursday

go get em.

:hug:

kesha

[grannylib]

39. I'll do my best!!

[ThomCat]

40. I'm sorry.

:(

You'll never forget, and you'll never fully get over your grief. It just gets less intense and maybe it hits you less often as the years go by.

I wish you had family around you and weren't alone. :hug:

[grannylib]

42. Thanks ThomCat...my hubby's here, but he's just as depressed as

I am...
My dad died a few years ago and my mom is in a nursing home down in Iowa, and my brother is more concerned with his cars and his money and his homes and his possessions than anything else...

It'll be OK; it's a bad day today but I guess things will get better...and God knows, they could surely be worse. :hug:

[Kajsa]

41. That's a hell of a lot to deal with

all at once. No wonder you're depressed!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know what you mean about the time thing,
There are a lot of people I missed this Christmas.

:hug:

[grannylib]

43. Thanks Kajsa...

:hug:

[Skittles]

44. grannylib

you have kids and you have grandkids, something I could never and WILL NEVER have. Please concentrate more on what you have and less on what you have lost - please. And check in with you doctor too in case you are slipping into major depression.

[grannylib]

46. I'm trying, Skittles...some days it really helps to focus on what you

have and not on what you've lost, but some days it just doesn't happen, even after all this time.
Most days I'm OK and I function fine, and life is good and "normal" whatever that is...
But occasionally there are still days when it's just HARD.
I'll be OK... thanks for caring :hug: I know I'm lucky to still have my family; I'm not trying to ignore or downplay that. Sometimes though death is just hard. She was just 19, she was planning her wedding, she left two kids who don't remember her...it just sucks. I know it will pass, but today it sucks.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

48. I really have no words for you

I'm so, so very sorry. No one deserves to have undergone what you have gone through and my heart aches for you

Sadly, I know how painful anniversaries can be. My mother died almost two years ago on a Friday afternoon and I often have great difficulties getting through Friday afternoons without thinking and mourning for her loss and the actual date of her passing is a source of great pain for me every month. And given all that you've gone through recently and the fact that some of those you love are absent, it's understandable that this anniversary is going to be hard

I think the whole "optimism/get over it/the sun will rise" expectation that some people have toward people who have experienced death and loss doesn't take account of the dynamics of the situation. Yes, you can heal and you should look to the future and be thankful for everything you still have. But you also need to acknowledge the grief and sense of loss that is still there because sadly it will continue to be a part of your life and it's probably not healthy to hide or deny those feelings. But please do seek counseling, talk to loved ones/friends who you know will understand (if you can) and take solace in what gives you comfort because you need that as well

My deepest and sincerest thoughts, prayers, condolences and sympathies on this anniversary of your loss:hug: :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

49. I wish I could form the words to soothe the ache.

No parent should ever have to bury their child. I cannot imagine the pain.

:hug:

We almost lost K about 5 years ago to a severe RSV infection. I still freak out whenever she has asthma symptoms.