I've been here for almost 2 years now, and I have an ugly secret to confess.

[Lil Missy]

I make no apologies, because I simply do not like to discuss it, and on a personal level I always keep my cards close to the vest. Nevertheless, the damned demons of the past can rear their ugly heads on occaision. It sure has for me, and also with some of my closest friends. And right now, we cannot figure whether to scratch our watches, or wind our asses.

This is the thread that explains some of how this started.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8390986

My secret? My confession? I lost my son due to a tragic accident. And serious neglect. It involved City and State, and a LOT of heartbreaking retaliation from them. Fines were assessed, (to them) news reports were endless, and a court case ensued. I won, in a unanimous verdict, BTW. It was absolutely horrible what they put me through.

I held my son for 18 hours that night he was on life support. When the inevitable became apparent, I practically lifted him off the bed to hold him. I said, it's okay, and mommy is going to help you. (die) Hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life. But I did that out of love.

Just had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

[LeftyFingerPop]

1. I'm so very sorry

:hug: :hug:

[Lil Missy]

4. Thanks dude.

You've never fooled me.

I know you are awfully tender hearted.

:*

[Heidi]

2. My friend,

I'm so sorry that the demons are visiting. You're still the same sweet Missy in my heart and in my eyes. :hug: :hug:

[Lil Missy]

6. Thanks. But hey, I warned you I am meaner than snake shit!

Demons go away. We will get through this.

[1gobluedem]

3. I can't begin to imagine that kind of pain

I'm so very sorry. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

7. Awww, I was awful. I made him paddle his own butt when he was naughty.

And it worked, LOL!

[zanne]

5. I'm so sorry, Lil Missy....

My heart goes out to you. I hope you're able to be good to yourself and find some peace.

[Lil Missy]

9. I try. And I know he would want that. But sometimes I have a lapse.

[zanne]

109. I you ever need to "talk", please PM me.

Please don't keep those feelings inside.

[Dystopian]

8. Bless your heart, Lil Missy...

I was shocked to read this. I can't imagine the never-ending pain...
My heart truly goes out to you. I'm typing through tears because I held my adult daughter in the same way because of her disease, and at one time I prayed to God to take her because I couldn't endure her pain. She lived through it, but I know the feeling of helplessness, horror, and impending loss of a child. When you held your son, you lost him forever....yet the love and memories are forever.

I'm certain that many things will bring this to the surface...
I wish I had words of comfort for you...I just felt your words.
Yes, you last act of love is etched in your heart.
Please don't think of this as an ugly secret...It is the story of a mother's pain.
I am so very sorry...

peace~

[Lil Missy]

12. I DO love happy endings! I am happy to hear your daughter came out okay.

Honestly, I do not look for the pain of others to ease my own.

He was a very happy, easy going, and well adjusted kid. And it makes me feel very good that I might have done something right with him, and his life was happy.

[Dystopian]

32. I know.....

I just related my experience because I could feel so very deeply what you were expressing...kind of a knowing bond.
I do understand that in life, others' pain can never ease the pain of another...
In retrospect, it would have been best left unsaid....I was just very caught up in your words.
Yes, mine was a happy ending, yet know that I will lie in a hospital bed again with her in my arms. It's our life, and she's much better at life than I am.

I apologize...I was not really trying to compare my experience to yours...there is no comparison.
:hug:
Thankfully, you know what a wonderful mother you are, and that his stay was filled with happiness and love...





peace~

[Lil Missy]

37. Oh please! Do not apologize! I was very inspired by your story!

I am flattered that my words touched you. I'm glad you said and revealed what you did.

Good grief, your pain and experience is not unworthy at all. That's what I meant about that trap with comparing apples to oranges.

I did not think you were trying to compare your experience with mine. I don't consider that especially useful anyway. I don't expect people to eat the shit piled on me by others.

[Dystopian]

40. You're a sweetie....thank you.

I am constantly apologizing for my sheer existence! If I ever feel that I've worded something quite not right, a DUer will get a very long-winded PM from me....This time, I'll just give you another :hug:


peace~

[Lil Missy]

43. No worries. We're good.

:hug:

[Dystopian]

35. delete. dupe.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. my deepest condolences on your loss and my profound admiration

for sharing your "secret". Brave Soul. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

16. Oh hell, my son would insist I move on, and be happy.

And I guess it's not a "secret" anymore.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. not with this motley crew anyway

carry on.

[Danger Mouse]

11. ...

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

17. .....

:*

[Danger Mouse]

27. Anything for my favorite Lil Missy.

;)
:loveya:

[Lil Missy]

33. Now, you're not telling any of our private stuff out of school, are you?

Ya rascal!

:loveya:

[Danger Mouse]

34. It's our little secret.

;)

[mcctatas]

13. You must be a very strong woman.

I don't know if I could survive that but you did and you amaze me. So sorry about your loss.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

23. Oh heavens. No, I was not a strong woman. My entire world revolved around him.

I did not have a choice in the matter.

And I am not so amazing either. I just wanted him to have mommy's love, hold, support, and permission. Since he couldn't help it anyway.

[BarenakedLady]

14. I'm so very sorry.

I can not even imagine.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

24. .....

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

15. I don't know you very well

but that doesn't matter right now.

"Mommy is going to help you" really got me.

No one should ever, ever have to go through that. Not the first thing. Not the second.



:hug:

[Lil Missy]

26. Yes, I did say that. And that is when he let go. I held him tight, so I know he felt it was okay.

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

18. My God, sweetie. How awful for you.

God speed to your son and God Bless You, my friend. My deepest condolences. I have a son and can't imagine losing him. :hug:

And, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend as well.

[Lil Missy]

28. My son was such a happy camper, and he'd be so pissed at my melancholy right now.

Couple of my favorite pics of him, as a youngster. He never changed. Not a single pic ever taken of him that he did not have the same shit eaten grin on his face. I have his last one on his headstone.

My favorite pics:





Thank you.

[graywarrior]

19. Man, that is a rough thing to handle

It's astonishing the things we can go through and still remain human. My heart goes out to you.

[Lil Missy]

29. I'll take that as a compliment that you still consider me human!

I try. Honestly, I really do try.

[Bunny]

21. I'm so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

39. .....

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

22. I'm so sorry that happened to your son and to you.

i don't how you felt or feel but i can imagine. Anyhow i appreciated your support when i sent you the link about my missing friend and i know you totally understand.




:hug:

[Lil Missy]

42. I do still have a heart, and an occaisional redeeming moment.

:)

Please do keep me updated. I do care.

[CreekDog]

25. i don't think i can even comprehend that kind of pain

i'm so sorry. that said, i admire your strength. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

45. I had no strength, whatsoever. I had no choice.

Nothing to admire about me. I've never been the same, since then.

[RetroLounge]

30. So sorry for your loss...

I can't even imagine...

:hug:

RL

[Lil Missy]

46. .....

:hug:

[JohnnyLib2]

31. Ah, gawd.

You are part of a small and different world, no matter what is said. Compassionate Friends-type support and standing-beside you.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

48. I'm in a different world! That's for sure!

Hey, thanks dude. I understood the message of support, and I appreciate that.

:hug:

[oshyposhy]

36. From one mother to another

You have my respect and admiration, for your son to be in your arms when it was his time, really what an amazing gift, the gift of pure mother/child love.

Hugs.

[Lil Missy]

49. OMG, it was awful. But better for him to be held and go peacefully.

Broke my fucking heart. But he just couldn't hang on anymore.

[oshyposhy]

66. Oh, you sweetheart

I was with my grandmother, I know it isn't the same thing at all. I have been thinking about you all day and your little boy. I don't know your story, but I have very steadfast beliefs in what happens when our souls pass, and I truly truly hope that you have some peace knowing that you are am amazing mom, and just how lucky your boy was to be in your arms.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

72. Oh, I do very much take comfort in the fact that he had a happy and well-adjusted life.

Thank god I've had no guilt pangs about that.

I do look forward to meeting him again when my day comes.

But I just know the little shit is not going to be wearing his shoes.
:eyes:

[oshyposhy]

89. eh, shoes are overrated

And pretty much not needed in Heaven.
:pals:

[Lil Missy]

99. LOL! It's just kind of a familiar problem/joke, with my son.

He had this really irritating OCD fixation with some things, including shoes on occasion.

He kept throwing his shoes out of the window in a moving school bus. I kept buying him new shoes. One day, on a field trip, he threw his new shoes into the damned river as they crossed the bridge. Now, is that a fuckin' poetic statement or what?

I got snarly, and told them they'd be buying his new shoes from now on. Honestly?? I asked, why do you continue to seat him next to an open window? Then they figured it out, since it was going to be on THEIR dime after that.

So, that is why I mentioned the shoe thing. It's kind of a comforting family joke that when we see him again, he's not going to be wearing his shoes!

[oshyposhy]

106. Great story.

Thank you for sharing. Memories like that are the best.

[Shell Beau]

38. I am so sorry!

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

50. .....

:hug:

[LaydeeBug]

41. My God, Lil Missy, how brave you were through the most tragic of situations...

I am so moved by you. And by this. Thank you for sharing. I know that wasn't easy. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Lil Missy]

52. Oh hell, I was not brave at all. I did not have a choice in the matter.

One thing you're right about, it was not easy to share this. But I don't care to have it as my entire identity, or wear it as an albatross either.

:hug:

[LaydeeBug]

113. Just sharing it was brave.

How absolutely lovely of you. I know you will not be defined by it. :hug: This thread is a shining example of that.

[davsand]

44. That is the sort of thing I can't even let my mind explore.

One of my biggest fears is facing anything like that with my kid. That is one of the few subjects where I am such a coward I just can't LET my mind explore it. I suspect it is a very common fear, but it doesn't change the horror one bit.

You not only faced it but emerged out the other end with body and soul still together in spite of the anger and pain. You are a strong woman beyond anything I can imagine.

It feels inadequate as hell, but deepest sympathies on your loss.

:hug:



Laura

[Lil Missy]

54. I was like you, and could not even explore the possibility in my mind.

And, I don't deserve any accolades. Sure, I still live, and survive. But losing him cut me off at the fucking knees. I've never been the same since then.

I am not a strong woman. But, I do appreciate the condolences and sympathies.


:hug:

[UrbScotty]

47. (((((Lil Missy)))))

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

55. .....

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

51. This was not at all what I expected to read. I don't

really know what I thought the thread was about.

I'm so sorry that this tragedy took your son and destroyed a part of your life. There are no words I can offer you that will help in any way. I'm glad you won your case although I'm sure it's small consolation.
I'm going to quit typing now ... my heart aches for you.

It's amazing what the human spirit can handle in love.

:hug:

kesha

[Lil Missy]

57. Now, thank you. Ya just made my day! LOL!

You thought I was going to confess a crime, or a criminal record or something like that, didn't you? LOL!

Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.

:hug:

[AwakeAtLast]

53. Whoa. That is so heartbreaking!

:hug:

I am so sorry you lost your son. There isn't anything more that I can say other than you are very courageous for sharing this with us.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

58. I'm not so courageous. I just got a bug up my ass!

I get ornery like that sometimes. :)

[Jamastiene]

56. There are no words.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

59. Nope. There are not.

:)

[SarahB]

60. I'm very sorry for your loss.

And for what your friend is going through.

[Lil Missy]

63. My friend is in peace now. And thank you.

[fight4my3sons]

61. I am so very sorry.

Your son's smile was absolutely gorgeous. Thank you for sharing his picture with us.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

65. I always thought he was fuckin' adorable. But I could be a bit biased.

:)

[Flying Dream Blues]

62. Oh, Lil Missy, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Thanks for sharing your son's pictures with us. I'm glad things are going better for you and that you felt like sharing this with us. I also lost a son and wish I could have held him! So I'm glad you have that memory of helping him let go. Motherhood is forever, though, and I know he's with you still.
:hug:

[Lil Missy]

68. Now see? You make my point for me about comparison of grief.

It's just useless and silly, and like comparing apples to oranges. Everything is relative.

Grief is painful, no matter the circumstances. You lost a son too, and that is awful. I don't know your circumstances. I was devastated because I held mine, and told him it was okay to die. You wish you could have been there to hold your son in death.

Either way, the ending is absolutely devastating. It's not a game or a contest about who had it worse. Lose a child, or a close loved one, and the grief is all the same. And there is NO grief that should ever be discounted or dismissed.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

104. ThruTheLookingGlass

Thank you for your private message.

Please, your grief is no less than mine. Comparisons about details are just worthless, and discounting. ANY loss of a child is devastating. You endured circumstances that I didn't have to.

Do tell the story. I'm interested, and I care.

[KitchenWitch]

64. I admire your courage

Not only the courage it took to share that, but the courage it took to handle that awful situation.

:hug:

Much love to you.

:loveya:

[Lil Missy]

69. Thanks, Kitchy.

I had to grow some brass ovaries to finally tell that here. But I have yet to know whether it was a good or bad decision.

As far as courage goes when my son died, pffffft! I have none, and I do not deserve compliments. He had no options left, and I was just being a mom and helped him.

Hey, you are one of the few people that knew I lost a child. And I appreciate you letting me reveal it in my own time.

:loveya:

[KitchenWitch]

70. Of course.

It was not my story to tell.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

73. Oh now quit being adorable and all that.

I was gonna have a good cry. But you made me smile and laugh and stuff again.

Ya spoil sport!

:)

:hug:

[easttexaslefty]

67. all of my thoughts are with

you and your son today.

[Lil Missy]

71. Thank you.

We are fine. :)

[BlueIris]

74. I'm terribly sorry. nt

[Lil Missy]

123. Thank you.

I was just reading this thread again and realized I skipped your response.

It wasn't intentional. :)

:hug:

[applegrove]

75. So sorry.

[Lil Missy]

124. Thank you. I did not mean to overlook your post before.

Just had a brain fart. :)

[skygazer]

76. Demons do have a way of reappearing

Sometimes when we least expect it. I am so sorry for your loss and that you're coping with those demons.

I also want to say this - I've read this whole thread and I understand what you say about courage. That it wasn't courage, that you had no choice.

That's true as far as it goes. Getting up each day, putting one foot in front of the other -that doesn't take courage (though it does take a dogged stubbornness). What else are you going to do? Lay there and die yourself?

But there are plenty of people who would not have had the courage to hold their child and help him die. To allow him to go. I would never criticize those people because I cannot imagine that pain.

You had the courage to do it. For him. For love. That's damn humbling. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

80. Thank you for that perspective. I never considered it "courageous" at the time.

It was gawd fucking awful for me. But, I felt he should have my support, held close, and permission from mom to let go. It was going to happen anyway, and I did not want him to struggle with it anymore.

I was not courageous. I was fucking numb, and heartbroken.

[lightningandsnow]

77. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

125. .....

:hug: to you too.

[Lil Missy]

78. Ya know, it is also interesting to note who never, ever, responds to anything I ever say.

I am not suggesting that I should give a shit. And nor should they.

I'm just saying, I notice things.

[Shakespeare]

82. I know what you mean.

I had a similar experience last week when I posted about my cousin's suicide. I was very hurt by the absence of a few people on that thread. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did.

And more :hug: :hug: :hug: for your OP. I can't even imagine going through something like that. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

88. Oftentimes, I do think it is a matter of timing.

I don't recall seeing your personal thread about your cousin.

But most of mine sink like a rock. I don't take that personally, I just figure my topic was fucking boring, LOL! (And I certainly do not mean to say the death of your cousin was boring. I just didn't see it.)

But it does stand out after a couple years who never participates in certain threads. Or, to have a snarly comment hurled towards you in an unrelated thread.

Yup, I'm dumb. ;) Nothing to see here...

[Lil Missy]

79. oops! dupe

[Shakespeare]

81. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

No parent should ever, ever, have to endure that. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

90. Some parents do. And sometimes under worse circumstances than I endured.

[NewJeffCT]

83. I'm so sorry

I can't imagine the pain you've suffered. You have my sympathy.

[Lil Missy]

91. Suffering is over now. No sympathy needed here. See happy pics above.

:)

[Odin2005]

84. OMG, I couldn't imagine having to go through that!

:cry: :hug:

[Lil Missy]

92. Neither could I. But I was not consulted beforehand.

Hey, do you have kids?

Have pics? :D

[Odin2005]

94. Kids? hell no. I'm just a 22yo college student right now.

The GF and I aren't even close to thinking about THAT yet!

I do, on the other hand, have a 10yo niece and a 2yo nephew who I adore and spoil rotten, and protect as if they were my own. My sister constantly joke around about how I'm so overprotective of her kids.

[Lil Missy]

96. Well, ya little whippersnapper!

Then all I have to say is, don't make babies! Be careful!

Sorry, just doing the old lady mom thing now.

[Odin2005]

98. LOL, your sounding like my mom!

:rofl:

[Lil Missy]

100. I AM a mom!

;)

[Chorophyll]

85. ...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Say what you want, but you are courageous.

[Lil Missy]

93. Well, thank you.

But really, I'm a big sissy! Shhhhh! :)

[Fleshdancer]

86. oh dear goddess Lil Missy

From one mom to another...you have experienced my absolute worst nightmare. I sit here reading this thread and clicking on the link to your previous post and all I can offer you are my tears. I am so sorry my love. I am so sorry.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

95. Hey, thank you for the supportive words. But let me tell you this:

I have resolved and settled this issue so many times now. But, like I said, sometimes another tragedy or hardship can bring them damned ugly demon heads to the surface again.

It's happening with friends of mine too. I'm not so special in this. I just had a lapse.

As far as my son is concerned, please don't feel sorry. He had a very happy life, and always felt he was special and loved. I am very happy about that, and so are my immediate family members who loved the crap outta him too.

:hug:

[latebloomer]

87. Words are not sufficient

to express how sorry and sad I am hearing your story.

One of the worst things a mother can experience.

And yes, you were strong indeed, even if you feel you hd no choice. I know about that.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

97. No, I was not strong at all. I was sucker-punched.

[Missy Vixen]

101. Lil Missy, I am so, so sorry for your loss

I am thankful, though, that you were with your son till the end.

As long as we remember, our loved ones live on.
Julie

[Lil Missy]

103. And we do remember him!

Not a family gathering yet that someone has not recalled something silly he did.

It's always a happy memory, and laughter ensues.

He was always a happy, engaging, and funny little fart.

[Lil Missy]

102. Thank you to those who responded.

I don't think I've ever had a thread go on this long without developing into a flame war over something stupid! LOL!

[Lil Missy]

105. one more kick tonight

And BTW, where is, ******** that PM'd me earlier.

Ya need to spit that poisonous shit out, gf. I've got your back. But seriously, I don't think you need my help.

[Tom Kitten]

107. I'm so sorry

I had no idea, how awful to have this happen... :hug:

I know we've gotten testy a few times before but for what it's worth whenever that happens(for me)it usually means I like you...just ask Philboy!

Here's to hope and better times to come in the new year, dear...

[Lil Missy]

115. Not to worry about that little spat.

I don't even recall what it was about now. ;-)

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

108. I love you.

Seriously.

You are the best. Love you.

[Lil Missy]

116. Why, thank you.

:pals:

[silverojo]

110. Oh, my God, I feel so bad for you

Though it's good that you won the case, NOTHING is enough to repay you for the horrible, soul-destroying loss of your beloved son.

Just reading your words brings me to tears. I wish there was some way I could help ease your pain.

[Lil Missy]

117. There was no doubt I'd win the case. But you'd think rush limbaugh

was handling their case with the kind of bullshit he spewed. As if his clients were the unfortunate victims of the tragedy and I as his mother was picking on them instead of minding my own business. Sheesh!

His client, a state run facility, was ticketed and fined by the state for their negligence in the case. So it's not like I dreamed it up!

[Maine-ah]

111. Missy, I do not think I could be as strong as you.

:hug:

It breaks my heart to even think of it.

[Lil Missy]

118. I sure wasn't strong at first. I was a total basket case for about 2 years after that.

I hope no one else here ever has to go through it themselves.

:hug:

[FloridaJudy]

112. I'm so, so sorry.

I can't even begin to imagine that sort of pain. And to be hassled legally on top of it. I don't know how you remained sane. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

119. OMG they were such bullies. I initially filed the suit;

all I wanted was copies of the reports and statements of the employees that were present at the pool the afternoon of the incident. I just wanted to know how this could possibly happen, with 4 caretakers on the scene.

That's all I wanted. They refused to provide me with any of the reports that day, so I sued them to get them. I did get the reports I requested, about 2 weeks before the trial date. They then requested I drop the case. I said go to hell, now after all the crap you put me through.

City was involved too and investigated, since it happened at a City run pool. They threatened me too, saying they would insist I repay every Medicaid dime spent on him if I proceeded and won. I said go right ahead and try. Assholes!

[ThomCat]

114. It breaks my heart that you ever had to go through that,

and that you had to fight about it too. :hug:

I am glad that you are such a strong person.

I hope the retaliation ended. I hope the bureaucratic stubbornness finally stopped. I hope it's all behind you except for the memories. And I hope you're strong enough and have enough support to handle the memories.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

121. Hi sweetie!

It was several years ago, so they are long part of history now.

I have run into a couple of them over the years. Talk about awkward moments!

:hug:

[mainegreen]

120. Good grief. I can't imagine (and dont want to). I'm sorry you ever had to experience that.

Children should not go first.

:(

[Lil Missy]

122. Life is not fair like that sometimes.

:-(