One line on the eye chart.

[eyepaddle]

One line on the eye chart, that's all, just one line on the g-damned the eye chart. Who would think that so small a difference could so completely shape and--yes, generally--fuck up my life so thouroghly?

I am not even sure all of the difficulties haven't turned out to be blessings, and yes, that pisses me off too.

I see 20/50 best corrected visinon--but on occasional good days I can hit the 20/40 line. Some might ask what difference that makes?

Well, I discovered this when I was 15 and going after my learner's permit: at 20/50 you have to go to an eye doctor and have them certify that you are capable of safely operating a motor vehicle, and then with a restriction of going no faster than 55 MPH. The Dept. of public safety makes you renew your license every two years instead of every four, and every now and then they just send you a letter telling you you have to go to an eye doctor to prove that you haven't gone blind or they will cancel your license. The timing for that is pretty random, so I never know when I'll get that "happy-fun-time-love-note. At 20/40, you don't. Your license is unrestricted--hell you can even get a private pilot's licens with 20/40.

I see 20/50....

Always having a restricted license kept me from enlisting in the Marines back in 1987 (they wouldn't take me). I remember sitting in a bar in 1991 watching the news and seeing that Iraq had invaded Kuwait, my first thought was "Wow, if I had normal vision I'd be in the Corps right now." Part of my thinking when I was trying to enlist was "yeah, like anybody will be dumb enough to fight the US these days. I'll get all buff, see the world, and get some cash for college and since there is no chance of a shooting war happeining, what could possibly go wrong?"

Wow. I still am not entirely certain what to make of that? Do I owe my vision for not having Gulf War Syndrome? If so, maybe I shouldn't bitch about it.

I don't qualify for a Commercial Driver's License, since I couldn't drive the truck, I never got put in charge of the big projects and never got past the bottom rung of the hazardous waste management business. So I went to grad school and am now a health and safety officer--most people would rather a graduate degree and an office job than a truck driving gig, but since neithter of those were assured I really never cared for the uncertainty and occasional poverty that came with winter lay-offs. Of course, one winter I took a leave of absence and went to Antarctica to work for a season. Sionce that was a dream of mine since about the third grade I should be happy eh? If I had the license I wouldn't have been able to take the time off and go play polar explorer--do I once again owe a great opportunity to my disability?

There's a lot of other shit I could go on about--struggling in school because I could not read what was on the board or overhead, having to learn how to navigate in a vehicle by instant recognition of small street signs, having to resist the urge to beat the ever-loving shit out of people who ask (usually in a bluntly insulting tone) why I don't just get better glasses. But I won't. This is a part of who I AM. This has played a role in why I am where I am.

Tonight after work I get to go see the eye doctor and hopefully get to keep my driver's license. My odds are almost assured--my condition does not deteriorate any faster than normal people's (in other words it is very stable) and yes, I can totally support the logic behind this tight evaluation. Nevertheless, it is stressful as hell and I do resent having to go through all of this for....

One line on the goddamned eye chart.