I'm worried about my son...

[GoddessOfGuinness]

He called today in tears; and I can't tell you how long it's been since he cried in front of me.

I can't give much background without this turning into a novel, so in a nutshell:

He's 21, his girlfriend is 24 and pregnant. He doesn't earn much money, and she's currently not working at all due to some difficulties with the pregnancy. He moved out of our house last February, into a room in a house nearby; and his girlfriend has been living with him since about March.

Based on what he told me in his phone call today, I think they need to get into counseling ASAP; but he's really resistant to the suggestion.
He sounds as if his situation is futile; and told me he wished he'd never moved out. They've talked about moving in with her grandparents; but due to some recent minor friction with her grandmother, he feels that he'd be walking on eggshells if they did, and he asked if they could move here if worse came to worse.

He also sounds as if he wants to blame his situation on his girlfriend. While I want to be supportive of him, I'd prefer to help him resolve his differences with her rather than getting into the blame game...that's part of the reason why I'd like them to get counseling. But I can only suggest it...I can't make them go.

We really don't have room here for them. Besides, along his request to move in here came the suggestion that Mr GoG and I could move into his old bedroom (which is quite small) to accomodate them. Hmmm...What's wrong with that picture?

I told him I thought he should continue with his plan to move in with her grandparents as it could be mutually beneficial. They're offering an exceptionally reasonable monthly rent in exchange for help around the house. I suggested that if he wants to eliminate tension between him and the grandmother, he should call her up now and offer to rake the yard or somesuch, to let them know he's serious about this.

Then he backed away from the conversation to cry and complain that this wasn't in his plans, etc.

Any suggestions are welcomed...

[Haole Girl]

1. Ugh

This is a very, very difficult situation. But having him move back into YOUR home, disrupting everything, and getting you into the middle of it, sounds like a very poor solution. Same with moving in with her grandmother.

You may not like what I am about to ask. But if they are unable to take care of themselves, have they considered giving the baby up for adoption? I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive. I can't even imagine how painful it would be for someone to do something like that, either; but it is ONE option they might not have considered.

Sending vibes and many hopeful thoughts their way... and your way. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. His girlfriend has decided to keep the baby.

He tried to persuade her to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption; but she didn't want to. So he's resigned to respecting her decision.

I strongly feel it's not my place to tell them what to do; but that I need to be there to support whatever decision they make. They're both aware of all the options that are available.

Thanks for your thoughts and vibes. :hug:

[Haole Girl]

7. They definitely need counseling

You are 100% right in that. :hug:

[cynatnite]

2. If this were my son...here is how I would approach it...

I would tell my son that they are more than welcome to move in, but on certain conditions. For one...no way in hell would we give up our bedroom.

My son could continue to work if he chose, but I would strongly encourage him to consider college or a technical school to improve his financial situation. His girlfriend would help around the house...not too much as to aggravate her condition, but enough to help pull her own weight such as some housework.

Have a plan for after the baby is born so they will have their own place. While she is pregnant, they can be saving their money and after the baby is born she can go to work. Surely it'd be enough for them to eventually get their own place.

I would not give them any money at all. They'll need to either save their own or use their own.

The terms are yours to set, but there is a way to make this work without you having to bail them out. They have to get on their own feet and you can help a little, but the bulk of the work has to be theirs. They will either sink or swim. 99% of the time they'll swim.

[LisaM]

4. Wow - are you a counselor or something?

Your advice seems to pitch perfect that I can't even think of a thing to add. Well done!

[Haole Girl]

5. In a perfect world, it would be perfect advice

But GOG has already said they don't have room. Plus, her son is already making demands. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to allow him to move back in. IMHO.

[LisaM]

9. But it was conditional - just the two of them - NOT in GoG's room -

and move out when the baby comes. I think it was good advice, and I stand by that.

[Zuiderelle]

17. I agree. That's really good advice.

[cynatnite]

10. She can always push back...

It's a simple matter of explaining that it's her house. It's only a disaster if it's not handled properly. There are common sense ways of making this work, but if everyone involved can compromise it can be a decent temporary arrangement until they are on their feet.

Also, another key is that both of them will need to do some growing up if they want their relationship to work and if they want to raise a baby together.

[cynatnite]

8. Nope, we went through something similar with our oldest daughter...

She had a tough time of it a few years ago. Her and the kids had to move back in with us for a little while. We made an agreement and it all worked out.

It's a pride thing, too. Kids want help, but they don't like to feel as if they're failures for having to ask.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. Thanks for your thoughts...

Having them here until the baby is born might be feasible.

I doubt he'd like our conditions though. My son's old room adjoins my 10 year old's room, and the wall between them is very thin. You get the picture, I'm sure.

I'm also a little concerned that they might take their time finding a place of their own after the baby's born...after all, it's not like I could just kick them out.

What you say makes sense though...We'll have to think it over.

[cynatnite]

12. Maybe some compromise is in order...

Perhaps between all of you something temporarily can be worked out for them. Once everyone agrees on a time frame for moving out, I wouldn't budge on it.

Oh, and congrats on you soon to be a grandparent. Trust me when I say that being a grandparent makes having kids worthwhile. It's the best.

Good luck and I hope it works out for all of you. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. We'll see...

I still think it'd be best for them to go to her grandparents. They'd have an entire attic apartment, and they could be a huge help there.

It'll be nice to have a grandkid close by. My stepson and his kids are 700 miles away! :hug:

[XemaSab]

3. Tell him it's a stressful situation and it's okay to feel overwhelmed

Also tell him that you're looking forward to having a grandchild, and being a parent is one of life's blessings. Let him know that you expect him to work it out with the girlfriend, and that everything will be fine.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. He comes over tonight to watch his little bro...

while I rehearse. Maybe I can get a feel for where his head is then.

I tried to be as encouraging as possible when he called earlier, but he had to get back to work, so I couldn't talk very long. I'm sure part of my concern stems from the fact that he had to go before I could discern any relief on his part.

Thanks for your excellent thoughts. :hug:

[Deep13]

14. Are they getting married or what?

It's a little late for him to be worrying about his plans or whatever. There is no happy resolution here, at least not immediately. Whatever his plans were, the new reality is that he needs to find a job and raise money to support his child. One thing they should both get through their heads is that they can make this work if they want it to. They need to decide that they are in fact right for each other and to accomodate each other. As far as the grandmother, I agree he needs to swallow his egocentrism and do something to path things up. He is really in no position to be choosy about where he finds help.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

18. They don't have plans as yet...

...and it'd only be best for the baby if they really want to be married, so I haven't pushed.

He never really had plans before, so I was alittle surprised when he mentioned plans in his conversation. I told him that life often comes up with disruption to our schedule; but that clinging to the old plan is not nearly as healthy as devising a new one which will accomodate changes.

Thanks for your thoughts! :hug:

[Zuiderelle]

15. I think your suggestion was perfect.

And I cannot BELIEVE that he suggested that you move out of your bedroom to accommodate them! :wtf:

You should let him know you're there if worse comes to worse, but that you won't be bending over backward and he needs to contribute and sacrifice.

Sounds like he doesn't really want to be a dad, which is understandable. He certainly has the option not to be, as long as he understands that he's financially liable. It's a bit easier for him, since they haven't married. I think counseling is a good idea, but that he should leave the relationship if he's going to miserable in it. The emotional and financial support of a child is better than coupling it with a miserable relationship (which can only be detrimental to the child anyway). Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but judging by the crying, it sounds like that's where things are headed.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. I think you're right...

I have a feeling their relationship may not last.

From what he's said to me, I think he wants to be involved in his baby's life; but I'm not sure he wants to stick with his girlfriend right now.
I'm sure she's no saint, and has as many issues she has to face as my son does.

I just hope they'll get help from a professional.

Thanks so much for posting! :hug:

[Mike 03]

20. Difficult situation. I have been there, and it is hell.

Huge split up.
No job.
Running out of money.

What I'm about to say is only my opinion, so take it in that spirit.

He should only undertake couples' counseling with someone who has no prior experience with either one of them. In other words, he should not go into counseling with her therapist.

Even though he might not understand now, you are doing the right thing. Support him primarily and use your good judgment when it comes to his significant other. My parents actually pretended like she didn't exist. At the time it angered me, but years after the fact I am grateful they did.

Best wishes to you and your son and this very difficult situation.

P.S.

23 is young. This situation is all the worse because he's so young. This didn't happen to me until I was 30, and even then it was so traumatic I will never recover from it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. Thank you so much...

Your experience speaks volumes.

There's a low-cost counseling service very close to them which I'm certain would help them resolve so many issues...like learning how to argue with each other in a constructive fashion.

:hug::hug::hug:

[tigereye]

22. young adults need to learn on their own... probably he'll wail about your

decision and then do the thing that makes sense. It's hard being a parent some times... and it's hard being an adult. I think your advice makes sense.


:hi: