kimmerspixelated must be learned-ed. Mitch Hedberg thread!

[LaraMN]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Wikipedia:

"Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Hedberg's comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes, and observational comedy, mixed with absurd and elements as well as non sequiturs Hedberg's comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them."

Larapedia:
"Mitch Hedberg: The funniest man who ever lived. EVER."

Some gems:
(from his Wikipedia page):
* I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."

* "I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night all sweaty n' shit, and then I think, "Ah shit! Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

* "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."

* "I walked by a dry-cleaners at 3:00 in the morning and there was a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, We Are Closed." I was like, "Don't be sorry, it's 3:00 in the morning, you're a dry-cleaners...there is no need to apologize."

* "You know how when you go to a restaurant, they call out your name? Like "Dufrain, party of two... Dufrain, party of two." And if no one answers, they'll say it again "Dufrain, party of two, Dufrain, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just move on the next name: "Bush, party of three." What happened to the Dufrains? They're missing, and no one cares. Right now, they're tied up in the trunk of someone's car, with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! They should say "Bush, search party of three." "You can eat once you've found the Dufrains."

* "Dogs are forever in the pushup position".

* "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

* "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."


:loveya: