I think I have God figured out.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

Now, I'm basically an agnostic, leaning toward atheism, but there's one thing that prevents me from becoming a stone-cold, rock-ribbed, devout atheist: the existence of kittens. Kittens are the perfect creation, so I figure there might be some sort of divine hand involved. But there's too much other bad shit in the world to explain the existence of the sort of garden-variety nice God who answers people's prayers and stuff. So I've concluded that there really is a God, but all he does is create kittens. If you pray to Him, chances are that if you listen closely He'll tell you, "Ya know, I'm just gonna sit here and make kittens; you assholes are on your own." And if you think I'm going to Hell for this bit of heresy, I'm not too worried. God wouldn't do that to me because all He does is make kittens.

[TZ]

1. I don't know...

When my two were little I could SWEAR the little fuzzy monsters were prodcuts of the DEVIL..:rofl:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. If you take a Manichean view of the universe,

then you would assume that there are also satanic kittens. Apparently, yours.

[HopeHoops]

3. If you've got him figured out, remind him he owes me twenty bucks!

[DarkTirade]

4. I prefer the polytheistic look... every creation is the handywork of either somebody else, or worse,

a committee. :P


http://www.takeourword.com/TOW184/page5.html

Well, Yes. I became a polytheist because I have a scientific mind. I looked at the evidence: Teats on men. Nose hair. EAR hair! The Krebs cycle. This body has all the earmarks of something designed by a COMMITTEE! And I know women were involved. Because, let's face it: If a MAN had invented MEN, my balls would not be where they are. They'd be in my chest, or my skull, somewhere SAFE. My real problem is that they let the trickster gods into it. Like farting. You KNOW farting was Pan's idea. It's just exactly his style.

I can just picture the animal design committee in my mind. There's Hermes in the corner, making insect after insect after insect. They're small, they fly, they're annoying. Perfect!

So Artemis wanted something to hunt them: invented the Wren. Aphrodite didn't think that was pretty enough: invented the Bluebird. Ares thought that was too tame: made the Hawk. Zeus thought that was too small: invented the Falcon. Poseidon had to top that: created the Eagle. Athena put her twist on the idea: invented the Owl. Hera wanted something more practical: invented the Chicken. That was too ugly for Aphrodite: made the Peacock. Zeus wanted bigger chickens: created the Turkey. And Bacchus chimed in: "Ok, ok! It's a chicken. A BIG chicken! A REALLY big chicken! And it's got a looonnngg neck!" "Looks too big to fly, Bacchus." "It don't fly, it runs really fast!" "That's nice, Bacchus."

So then, we know Poseidon created the Horse. Aphrodite didn't think that was pretty enough: made the Gazelle. Hera wanted something more practical again: created the Cow. Zeus made it bigger: invented the Ox. Poseidon had to top THAT: invented the Elephant. Cows weren't fierce enough for Ares: made the Leopard. Which Zeus wanted bigger: created the Lion. Which now Artemis had to top: invented the tiger. And Bacchus: "Right! So it's a horse, a BIG horse! And it's got a looonnngg neck; And ORANGE POLKA DOTS!" "That's nice, Bacchus." And it went on.

Athena made Fish for Poseidon. Zeus made them bigger: created Whales. Poseidon returned the favor: invented Rabbits for Athena's Owls. Aphrodite wanted them softer: made Chinchillas. And, of course, Bacchus: "Ok, So; it's a looonnngg neck!" "How many feet does it have, Bacchus?" "It's got no feet! It's just a loooonnng neck. Slithering on the ground!" "That's nice, Bacchus." And so it went.

If you listen carefully and observe the world around you, you begin to hear the music of creation. And it's not the monotone, monotonous march of a monotheistic deity. What single god would bother to invent 9000 different kinds of Frog? No, that music is Jazz! One idea bouncing off another, and taking off in a new direction. Riffs; and variations on themes, and variations of the variations. Obviously a group effort! Until finally, Bacchus, from deep in his cups: "Platypus!" "THAT'S NICE BACCHUS!!!"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

5. ROFL!

That's as good an explanation as any...

[DarkTirade]

6. I have a better version of that spiel on my livejournal, but I'll be damned if I can find it.

I just went through three years of my archives and I still couldn't find the damn thing. :\

[Jamastiene]

12. That is a work of pure genius.

:rofl:

[hobbit709]

7. There is no God but Finagle

And Murphy is his PROPHET!

[DarkTirade]

14. The perversity of the universe tends towards the maximum.

[SallyMander]

8. Well *I* think God makes salamanders, too

Look how cute! :D

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

16. Maybe I should expand my concept of what God does

to include the creation of all cute creatures.

[av8rdave]

9. Every time I think I have him/her figured out, I start to wonder....

What if God was one of us?

[Orrex]

10. Kittens turn into cats

Ergo, if God exists, then God is evil.

[Jamastiene]

13. If God exists, God DEFINITELY has a twisted, sick sense of humor.

We know that much to be highly likely...if God exists. I doubt any of us could deny it.

[Jamastiene]

11. OMG, you just might be right.

:rofl:

[keroro gunsou]

15. i like how futurama explained god:

"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godfellas

[LaraMN]

17. God stole the evolvefish sticker off the back of my 'wagon!

And he makes too damn much snow.
He's fired.
I'm hiring Neptune; I want an overlord who saunters around with a bare chest.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. No, he didn't steal your bumper sticker, and he doesn't make snow.

He makes kittens. Period. Maybe salamanders, too, but only the cute ones.

[LaraMN]

19. I ran over a crapload of dead animals on the highway today.

What does that mean?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

20. Nothing.

But God is busy making kittens to replace them.

[applegrove]

21. Yup. I see god when I see a kitten. When I see babies too. And a beautiful sunny day.

Don't have it all figured out quite yet. Doubt I ever will.

[leeroysphitz]

22. God's got security. Hands like snakes sew the seeds. n/t