I have a question for those who are familiar with dealing with narcissists...

[Writer]

I'm keeping a narc. at arms length right now, but he's in a position of authority over me. Essentially I'm giving him only the attention required to him as his student. I simply want nothing more to do with him. (Yes, this is Prof. Douchebag).

I have noticed a bit of pettiness from him in response - especially during class discussion. He tends to negate nearly everything I say. When I presented the readings a few weeks ago he was extremely catty in his questions and nit-picked my class handouts.

What do narc's tend to do if you don't feed into their egos? Should I expect retribution? Will he (hopefully) ignore me in return? Could my grade be in jeopardy?

[Darth_Kitten]

1. He must be jealous of you.

What class are you taking?

[Writer]

2. It's one of my core doctoral classes.

He's the prof.

Why jealousy?

[Darth_Kitten]

3. Why is he needling you?

Why should he care so much? Sounds like jealousy to me. :)

[Writer]

4. I don't know... that's why I'm asking.

Maybe he's trying to get a rise out of me so he can feed off it? Perhaps it's a kind of "punishment" for rejecting him? I don't know, honestly.

[Darth_Kitten]

6. Rejecting him? Hmmmm.....

:shrug:

[Xipe Totec]

5. Mostly Harmless

Feed their ego, get your grade, move on.

[Writer]

7. Hmmm...

I can see the practical aspects of that... but it's hard to feed the ego of someone who is picking on you.

I dunno... this guy has some issues. I don't know if it's a good idea to get stuck in his tar pit again.

[Xipe Totec]

10. I've done it, trust me

It is a good Zen excercize to supress your own ego and not respond to provocation.

The guy I have to deal with is a dean of graduate studies...

[Writer]

12. Oh dude... I'm sorry!

I'm sorry that you have to deal with an a-hole narc.

I don't respond to him at all... I don't want to feed his ego. (Did I get you right that you were suggesting to feed his ego to get the grade?)

I may have missed something.

[Xipe Totec]

14. No, I'm suggesting you don't get defensive with a narc

Just treat him/her politely, and don't respond to provocations.

You don't have to sing their praises, just don't challenge their authority.

[Writer]

17. Right. I get it.

If he's an ass next time, I'll just smile and move on to my next point.

Luckily, there's another prof. in the class so we're not alone with him.

[BeachBaby]

8. My dad was labeled as a narcissist.....

who has fits of "narcissistic rage". (This was told to me by the psychiatrist who evaluated my dad).

I'm hoping that your prof doesn't retaliate the way my father does. It's brutal.

Does your prof show any signs of throwing tantrums?

[Writer]

9. He and I had a big argument last semester before Thanksgiving.

So... yes. He was contemptible and mildly threatening... this being just after he found out that I was switching to another prof. to work as his RA.

I knew that I was witnessing a kind of narcissistic rage - he was doing his best to pin the blame on me, but I stood my ground.

[BeachBaby]

13. Yeah. That's what they do.

I was forced - really quickly - to learn about narcissistic rage, and how to deal with it. This happened to me in May of 2005.

They bully, manipulate, twist things, guilt-trip.....anything and everything to make sure that THEY come out on top. Their goal is to belittle you, because it's the only way they can feel like they are "above" you. Better than you. Smarter than you.

I could tell you some stories that would make your jaw drop. Holidays, birthday parties, MY WEDDING.

Most horrifying part of all of it, is that, according to psychiatrists, narcissistic rage is not a medical diagnosis, so therefore medication isn't prescribed.....and therapy oftentimes goes unsuccessful - for even the most willing participant.

[Writer]

16. I am so sorry that you have to deal with your father.

My mother is one, as well. I have to be very careful and measured in my interaction with her. She's a constant provoker and simply does not care about anyone but herself. Her moments of "kindness" (gift-giving, etc.) are typically efforts to draw attention to herself... I barely survived my teenage years living with her.

I've dealt with several others over the years at various levels of the disorder. It's such a strange disease, because while the personality and behaviors are consistent across the board (eerily consistent), there isn't a specific causal factor.

I guess I should expect that this prof. will attempt to be aggressive somehow ... but I honestly don't know what to expect.

[hippywife]

11. I work for one.

Not directly, tho. He is the CEO but we have plenty of contact. I tend to just kind of joke with him in response to his self obsession, not about it but in response to some of the things he says. This approach probably doesn't work for every situation. He tends to like it and he knows when he needs something done, he can depend on me to do it.

[Mike 03]

15. You are not in an easy position, to say the least.

I don't have any good suggestions as to how to escape the situation you are in.

But once you are out of it, I have some ideas about how to stay out of similar situations.

Are you attending a private university?

[applegrove]

18. I would try and melt into the woodwork if I was you. There is no way any dealing

with them will result in anything positive. Stay away and keep your head down. Don't react. Turn into a ghost.

[Tsiyu]

19. Yes, there will be retribution

If you don't buy the image they're selling, narcissists tend to get very
unsettled. Part of their schtick (sp?) is thinking they have the whole world fooled.

The best thing you can do for self-preservation is to pre-emptively put their behavior right in front of them. Call them on it in the nicest way possible.

Narcissists are exremely predictable, but they imagine they have everyone fooled. If you say "Are you mad at me?" they will deny it even if they have a knife in your back at the same time.

So you have to find a way to fool the ego into NOT doing the vindictive thing they want to do. You have to "predict it" and then they will do their best to prove you wrong. No one is supposed to read them that well, is what I'm saying. If you can read this person, he will feel vulnerable and should NOT do that thing just to prove YOU wrong.

Narcissists suck. Don't take my advice if it will cause more problems; that's just how I dealt with one who was totally destroying my mental health. ymmv

good luck :)