Parents divorcing when their kids are grown

[BeachBaby]

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, whose parents divorced in the early 1990s. Basically, her parents waited until their youngest son graduated high school before they filed.

My girlfriend is absolutely fine with the divorce. She knew that her parents didn't have a good relationship. This same sentiment is shared with one of her sisters, and her baby brother - and they get along with both parents; however, she has three other brothers who have chosen to take sides.....one taking the side of the father, the other two with the mother.

Here are my questions: Have any of you had parents who divorced after the kids were grown? How did you feel about that? Were you okay with it, or did you get angry with them both, or did you get angry at one but not the other?

Also: Have any of you actually waited for your children to be grown before divorcing? And how have your children reacted?

[Shell Beau]

1. Luckily my parents are still married. But I do know people who stayed

together for the kids. I think it should only be an option if you can still be civil and loving to one another. Kids are smart and can sense when something isn't right. A lot of people don't want to split the children for holidays, etc. That can wreak havoc on a kid. But so can parents who can't get along. It has to depend on each individual situation I think.

[BeachBaby]

2. I want to make sure I understand you.

You know people who don't have a good marriage, but have stayed together to appease their grown children?

[Shell Beau]

3. No, not grown children. The people I know eventually

did divorce after their children moved out and went to school or got married. I can't imagine one staying in an unhappy situation for their grown children. The older you get, the more I would think you would understand relationships and not wanting to be together anymore.

[av8rdave]

4. I hadn't thought about that. But now that my children are grown...

[tigereye]

5. I had friends in high school whose parents divorced at that time - it seemed

very hard for them, and caused some of them to go on wild benders, so to speak, or major personality changes. My parents didn't have a perfect marriage, but they were A) Catholic - no divorces and B) seemed to enjoy each other's company through most of our childhood and beyond. So i would think waiting out adolescence might have advantages.


SInce a lot of the longitudinal research says that divorces, even amicable ones, have long-lasting psychological effects on the kids well into adulthood, I think some folks stay together to try to provide that stable home for their kids, even if it isn't always pretty. OTOH, I have encountered plenty of parents now (since divorces are so common) who manage to make blended families work. I really think it's different for kids at various ages and raises questions for them (and their parents) at those different developmental stages...

[BurtWorm]

6. My parents divorced when I, their youngest, was 30.

When I was about 10, I thought my parents were on the verge of divorce and I was actually looking forward to it. But they stayed together, loathing each other for the next 20 years. They waited until they retired and sold the family home. They became much better friends after the divorce. She was with him when he died about seven years later. She remembers his good points now, but she also never hesitates to talk about his bad points.

The children felt worse about losing the home (a beautiful 1789 New England farmhouse on 16 acres of wooded property). The end of the marriage, however, was generally seen as a good thing.

[Inchworm]

7. I waited 'til my daughter was 17

In hindsight, it was a mistake. I probably could have won custody had I filed.

My ex was a poisonous, drug addled, pox on humanity with resources though. I feared my daughter would have had to spend too much time in a drug frenzied environment if a divorce had happened any earlier and went sour.

I guess each case is different.

I'm proud of my daughter's vigor for life.

:hi:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

8. My parents divorced after 38 years. The youngest was 28.

It was complicated and a family business was involved. Some of these details warranted front page headlines in our town. :eyes:

[semillama]

9. My parents divorced when I was a junior in college

and my brother was a junior in High school. It was a complete surprise to me, and I had a hard time dealing with it for a couple years. I think I was more upset with my dad than with my mom. I'm totally fine with it now.

[arcadian]

10. I know that is what my sister is doing.

When I go and stay at their house, the guest "bedroom" looks like it's being used by my BIL.

[lizziegrace]

11. I considered waiting

I left Lelapin's father when she was finishing 8th grade. I realized I was not doing myself any favors by waiting and was sending her a terrible message - that everything I'd been through was okay and should be overlooked. WRONG!

My daughter deserved to know that if things are that bad, you can and should get out. I didn't take alimony even though it was a long-term relationship because I made more than him and I wanted to be free of him. He did pay child support.

I hope that Lelapin knows now that what she saw at home was not a solid, loving relationship.

[TZ]

12. I'm glad my parents didn't wait too long

They tried for a year for our sakes and it made my mother so miserable she cried everyday for a year.
They ended up being good friends after the divorce. Not sure they would have remained civil had they stayed together longer than they did.

[LibertyLover]

13. A good friend of mine did that

She and her now ex and then husband had decided to move to Florida to be near her elderly parents when he retired after 20 years from a police department in New York state. The housing market was a bit odd, so they put their house on the market in the summer, months before the actual move date, thinking it would take that long to sell. Imagine their surprise when the first people who looked at it offered them their asking price. So, she moved to Florida with her daughter who was going into senior year in high school. Her ex rented a room in the city he worked in and lived there for 6 or 8 months, then moved down. Their son, a sort of sophomore in college, eventually moved down as well after spectacularly failing out of SUNY New Paltz. Anyway, they bought a house, she found a job and he started looking. When he couldn't find a fantastically well paying job as a security consultant, he looked for a well paying job in law enforcement. When he couldn't find that he looked for a paying job and finally got hired as a clerk in a beach gift shop. Their marriage, which hadn't been great after the first couple of years, dissolved as he withdrew further into depression. Their kids were both in college when she decided she couldn't take it any more and filed for divorce. The kids took it very hard. Her son started crying one day, saying that all his friends at college had parents who were divorced and he was so happy his parents were still together. Now, after 12 years, the kids realize that it was for the best.